Thing2

"...And I call them Thing One and Thing Two.
These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun."
Then, out of the box Came Thing Two and Thing One!

I realized a couple of days ago that my skin cancer's back. I thought I might be mistaken, so I didn't say anything. But this morning, I was sure of it. So, I called the dermatologist and made an appointment for next month to have it checked out and removed.

And I'm so not freaking out. It's just a little SomeThing. Way smaller than last time. So, this one is Thing2.

But I found myself wanting to talk about it. And I didn't want anyone who loves me to freak out. Enter CJ. I had an appointment in his town this afternoon so I texted him and asked him if he was willing to meet me... "no awkwardness or expectations. just food." He actually responded that he couldn't tonight, but would love to another time. Was I available next week? I told him I wouldn't be in his town next week. Haha.

The only reason why I wanted to talk to him is that he doesn't exactly matter, you know?

But then I did tell a few friends. And reminded them that I am NOT freaking out. I'm not.

I am getting my zen back. I yoga'ed this morning for a bit before work. And had an awesome day with my kids. Answered my classroom phone and had a colleague say, "You sound so happy!" Yes, this on the day I admit I have cancer again. 'cause that's how I roll.

But then this evening... After a wonderful chat with my dad... Where I filled him in on all things RetroMama. Well, all things regarding dating. He was surprised I wasn't seeing Clark anymore. I didn't go into detail. Haha.

But it just kind of got me thinking... I ran into 23 last night. And he was so sweet. Asked how I was doing. Hugged me. And I realized that this kid totally thinks he's in love with me. And he's pining and shit. And that actually really bothers me. I never meant for that to happen. And last night when I was exhausted after my double-platelet donation, I found myself thinking about him as I drifted off to sleep... And how he probably wanted to stay with me those nights... And I never even allowed myself to consider that.

Then tonight, I was joking with an 18-year-old who works at a place I frequent. I was about to give him my number (we're going to be in the same place at some point this weekend and he wanted to make sure I would be able to find him) when this other customer kind of teased me about giving out my number to an 18-year-old. So I came back with my usual "they have to be old enough to at least sit at the bar with me," and he said I was being "cold". I said, "What? I have no problem with younger as long as they're at least 21. I have to draw the line somewhere." It was all funny and we all went on our way.

But then I came home. And I'm totally PMSing. Which gets me all sad and shit. (And there are no more brownies in the house. WTF was I thinking??!!??)

So, I find myself thinking about 23. (Shut up, you guys. You know who you are.)

And how that first time he came over, I was really struck by his maturity. This kid grew up out of necessity and is really responsible and has a grownup job in a grownup world. And he totally supports his younger siblings. At 23. Shit. I was married, but going to school full-time at his age.

But I wanted him to stop talking because that's not what he was there for, dammit.

And maybe it's because this week is the anniversary of the first time we met (ish). But I find myself remembering all of our interactions that came before. And that I liked him. He wasn't just a toy. But I shut off that other part because that was the deal we struck that day.

And I feel like I have to stick to that. And until yesterday, I thought that all he wanted was sex. But I think there's something more there. But we fucked it up already, right?

Crap.

I should not be allowed technology or to be out of the house at this time of the month. This was always when I broke up with Leon. Okay, I'm totally laughing now.

But my point is that I'm in a slightly vulnerable place right now. I find myself really wanting to make a connection with someone. No, not just anyone.

But tonight? When I spoke to my little boy and I know I have to tell him when I see him tomorrow that it's back (I have mad skillz at not freaking my kid out about stuff like that), I hung up the phone feeling so incredibly lonely.

I just really want a hug.

I've got a little SomeThing I need to get off my chest.

So, I still have the cancer.

I was all zen when I went to the dermatologist last week. I got up and did yoga that morning. Watched an episode of Friends. I was in a good place.

I got there, got checked in, and waited a few moments.

And then I was told that my insurance was terminated.

Um, what? No, it's not. I still have insurance through the end of August.

It was a snafu and got figured out, but it was a very stressful 40 minutes or so. There were snot bubbles, yes.

Ultimately, I had to reschedule my appointment for next month.

The good news is that now the top doc in the practice will be doing my surgery. And as much as I say I don't care about scarring, it's in a pretty visible place, so the idea of having a better doc is rather appealing. Plus, I got all the insurance stuff worked out so that it didn't affect my vacation.

Friends were all indignant on my behalf, but once I left, I dried my tears, took a deep breath, and moved on.

So different from who I was six months ago...

And then the kidlet and I headed for points north to visit some dear friends... Who we actually hadn't met until we arrived at their house with our suitcases.

And they spoiled us rotten for three days straight.

There was lots of sitting around relaxing... The kids played game after game of Monopoly, Sorry, and Apples to Apples. They introduced us to Ninja Warrior, which is this awesome Japanese game show. E kicked my ass with the Pilates and the Water Aerobics. D made these amazing meals that nearly made me cry with the deliciousness. There was wine every night and coffee every morning... And one wonderful evening with margaritas and shenanigans.

We came home with a suitcase full of hand-me-downs for the kidlet, a memory stick with photos (many of which will never be posted on the internet! LOL!), a box of peanut butter bonbons, Skype on my laptop, a brain full of inside jokes and memories, and a name for my cancer.

I knew I needed to embrace it since it will remain with me for several weeks more.

And after racking my brain for a day, it took D about 45 seconds to name it: SomeThing. Because now I have a little SomeThing to get off my chest.

Yes, this is my sense of humor. And we all share the same kind. And it was lovely.

And I came home with things to anticipate, which is good. Kept me from slipping into the doldrums on the drive home...

And everything I anticipated has turned out better than I'd even hoped so far...

Time with friends, unexpected pleasures, hilly miles and a summer concert.

Yes, even with this SomeThing, I am good. Focusing on all that is wonderful and beautiful in my world.

And there is a LOT.