Calling a Spade a Spade.

So, I have a beau... I don't think I'm comfortable with the word "boyfriend". Although, I am completely okay with being his "girlfriend". I'll probably get used to "boyfriend". ::shrug::

This man is good to me. He's good FOR me. He brought me flowers and Thai food when I was sick. And cupcakes.

He said, last night, that we haven't even been on a real date yet.

And, yet... We're together.

And I told him what D and E said and what my Therapist said about how he should date other women and whatnot. Give himself more time. But this is what it is.

And, again... I'm not going to be afraid of loving... I shall be cautious about how enmeshed we become in one another's lives...

I shall sign another 12-month lease on my place... He told me he's ready to buy something, and I told him that while I would love to help him decorate, I don't want to be any part of the buying process. I don't want to even look at any of his prospects. He needs to do that on his own.

But when he offered me points so that I can stay in a hotel across the country with the kidlet? And followed through with three hotel options? I'll let him do that for me.

He told me he's afraid of hurting me... Because what happens if he realizes in six months that I was right and he should have taken more time? Because he's not over his ex. But I'm not really over mine. (Can anyone ever truly be "over" someone with whom s/he has created children?) Being where I am in my journey, I feel somewhat wise when it comes to this... And he talks it out with me... And I'm becoming a better listener... And it doesn't hurt me to hear him process through it. I'm all zen and shit about it.

I told him I'm not afraid of six months from now. And I'm really not. If it doesn't work out, I'll grieve that. But in the meantime, I will just enjoy this... Learning to love and be loved.

And, no, D... I have not had sex with him... Things got a little hot last night, but no... I'm not ready for that... Shocking, I know.

I giggled as I watched him walk away from my car last night... Thinking to myself, "I have a boyfriend, and he has no ass." But he's adorable. And he's mine. I shall continue to call him Eric. And, perhaps, boyfriend. But, beau, for sure...

A Puma is a Cougar in Training.

I have girlfriends calling me a Cougar.

But I'm not over 40. So, I don't know if that counts. Apparently, a bunch of friends of mine got together awhile back and categorized people who date someone much younger than they... And a puma is a cougar-in-training. (A man who dates a much younger woman is just a "dirty old man". Again, this is according to others...)

Anyway.

Something's been in the air around me lately...

I've been asked out four times this week. And only one of those was a man older than I am.

I had a date with a boy 9 years my junior last night. But the day before that, I was asked out by someone three years younger than THAT!

I don't really understand what's happening here, but I'm enjoying it!

(I think the Universe has picked up on me using the word "boy" and is throwing them in my path! Or the Universe is throwing people in my path who are willing to have sex with me. Not that I've indulged, but it's nice to be asked??)

So, I'd been talking to this boy (Let's call him... Jason Mraz. ::snort::) for months. He worked at a store I frequented, and we always had a great time talking to each other. Flirting. Enjoying each other's energy.

Finally, I brought NOF with me and she pretty much pimped me out, and the next thing I know, he and I are friends on an online networking site, and texting fairly frequently, and talking on the phone. He came out with me and some friends a month or so ago (during the Leon-era), and we had a nice time. Apparently, he'd been reading my blog and knew all about Leon, but we pretty much established that there was an attraction there.

Anyway.

First day of school. I got a text from him, saying "happy first day", which was really touching (no, I hadn't heard from Leon. ::sigh:: LOL.) So, we kinda texted back and forth a bit, and then somehow, we ended up deciding to go to dinner last night.

I was pretty thrilled. (Because for weeks, I'd been joking with friends that I needed to hurry up and have sex with Jason Mraz before I ended up in a relationship. (Because it would be fun to say "I had sex with Jason Mraz!" Even if it's not THE Jason Mraz. Yes, I am a dork.)

So, I drove more than 45 minutes to meet him at this awesome restaurant, and we had an enjoyable time. The food was amazing... The company? Meh. Neither one of us was really feeling it. I was struck that he's really, really, really young. Or maybe he just didn't care enough to open doors or whatever, but I'm kinda spoiled.

I like it when a guy shows me that he's considering my feelings or whatever. I loved how Leon would wait for me to walk past him and place his hand on my back (or just watch me walk in front of him. Also flattering. ::giggle::) I loved how the first guy I went out with two months ago was so considerate of me, holding doors, holding my hand, walking me to my car, etc. I like that. I also felt like a guy who knew that there was non-valet parking on the street should have told me that before I arrived and parked with the valet. Argh.

Anyway, we had a wonderful meal (I'll totally go back to the restaurant!) and then the evening ended rather abruptly. I wasn't all that disappointed, but I was a bit surprised at how it went down.

I had a bit of a drive ahead of me, so I went back inside to use the restroom. It was barely past 8:00, and I considered sitting down in the bar and listening to the live music and hanging out with what seemed like a pretty chill crowd...

But common sense won out at that moment. I should probably head home and get some sleep. I still had two days left of my first workweek, and I didn't know how I'd feel by Friday.

So, I went to get my car from the valet... And when that amazingly handsome guy asked, "How was your dinner?", I responded, "Well, the food was great!"

And he picked up on something in my voice, and asked, "But not the company?" And as I pondered how to put it into words, he went and got my car, and asked me again how I'd felt about the date...

It was more than an hour and a half later that I finally drove away. This guy was amazing. Smart, educated (still in college. Leaving to go back in three weeks. Yep, even younger than my date last night!), gorgeous, interesting... We hit upon some pretty sensitive subjects even in the short time we spoke. I felt more of a connection with him than I had with the guy I'd been talking to for months! And he felt it too. Turns out, we actually live in the same town, and it wasn't long before he'd asked for my number. He called my cell "so that I won't show up as an unknown number", and I could have talked to him for hours... I loved looking at the moon with him... It was all hazy but bright... It was pretty awesome. Some mild flirting, but mostly just talking about whatever popped into our heads. No awkward silences. It was just comfortable. And he used words like "How do you keep your zen?" without me ever saying the word "zen". He just really got me.

I hated to leave, but I knew I would need some sleep. So, with assurances that we would connect soon, we said goodnight... And, yes, there was kissing. ::giggle::

So, no, I didn't have sex with Jason Mraz, who is 9 years younger than I... And I probably never will.

But the evening wasn't a total wash because I ended up with a beautiful boy's tongue in my mouth anyway. And even if I don't ever see him again, it will still be a night to remember.

MeltDown.

I kept it together for more than five months.

I was the epitome of zen.

I knew I would be laid off more than five months ago. And then was actually laid off more than three months ago.

And I was all zen about it. I knew that worrying myself sick about it wouldn't change the outcome.

I was diagnosed with cancer. And beat it. And throughout nearly that entire process, I kept my cool. Because freaking out wouldn't change the outcome.

And, truth be told, if I hadn't been laid off, I might not have gone to find out that I had cancer, and maybe I would still have it.

I scrimped and saved and threw my pride out the window and allowed my friends and family to spoil me. (Which they did, and I am so grateful for that!!!)

And then, within four days, I got rid of the cancer and found out I would have a job again.

But which job?

Would it be the 6th grade math/science position that my principal asked me to take back in FEBRUARY?!? Or would I have to change schools again? Maybe even go back to (::gasp::)ELEMENTARY?!?!? Because that would suck in a thousand ways. I gave away all of my elementary stuff. I would have nothing.

And this morning was the big meeting. Shockingly, I wasn't hung over after last night's shenanigans with wine and cheese and whatnot with my girlz. (Again, struck by how blessed I am with wonderful girlfriends who heeded a text sent just the day before. They knew I needed them and came over even though it was way past a couple of their bedtimes! (NOF was the only one who knew how badly I needed them. The others just thought we were celebrating, but rose to the occasion when they heard the other reason why I was so desperate for company on that particular evening.))

So, I got myself to the meeting place. There were 101 people in there to fill 101 positions. 140 of my colleagues are still left unemployed.

And then they handed us the packet that included all 101 positions. And then seated us in order of seniority. I sat next to my colleague who was gunning for one of the two positions I wanted. And then people started choosing their positions. And there were disappointed noises coming from behind me as jobs were chosen. And I kept breathing a sigh of relief every time another elementary position was taken. Because most of these teachers don't want middle school. I knew I had a good chance, but 30 people would choose positions before me. And the woman who was right before me was freaking out. I was trying to be all nice and encouraging to her. But inside my heart was pounding. My hands were shaking. My palms were sweating. It was hard to breathe. I was texting back and forth with my friend, RA, who was about 35 people behind me. My heart ached as he told me he knew he would have to "settle."

I breathed a sigh of relief every time someone chose a position that wasn't the one I wanted. But I'd mapped out a few Plan Bs, just in case. And then someone called out a number close to the one I wanted, and I frantically flipped through the pages of the packet before confirming that "my" position was still open.

My colleague and I were poking each other and squealing under our breath at each other, telling each other that it was looking good, we'd be okay...

The woman before me had crossed off several of her Plan Bs, and I told her that whatever she chose would end up being great. She rubbed my arm and said, "I want your positive energy to rub off on me!" I laughed and thought about how I totally had her fooled.

And then it was my turn. In a clear voice, I stated my position, and it was done. I hugged my colleague quickly, and went to hug RA and give him some support.

Then I went to fill out my paperwork, and I left the building.

My principal called me just as I climbed into my car to ask me if I had gotten the position. And I told him I had... Yes, I will be teaching 6th grade math/science at my old school. Just as we had planned so many months ago.

I sent out a few texts and made a few important phone calls on my way over to my school. And I was joyous driving into the newly painted parking lot. Looking at the brand new building in which I will teach for the next school year. I got my keys and went to explore my new home.

And there I was... In my room. With the boxes I'd packed back in June, plus a whole lot of computer stuff that doesn't belong there. The room is gorgeous. The teacher workstation is amazing. And I freaking adore my chair!!!

The first thing I did was put up the poster from a recent half-marathon. I put it in a place where I will see it all the time, and I will remember how I kicked ass there.

And then I looked at the boxes and couldn't breathe. I didn't know where to start.

I called Leon to ask if he wanted to meet for lunch, that I was too overwhelmed to deal with it right then. It wasn't going to work out, so I got to work.

And unpacked nearly all of the boxes. I put stuff in the brand new cabinets. And it was a beautiful thing.

And then I left to go pick up my son.

And that's when the meltdown happened...

Five months of keeping it together throughout this whole horrific process only to end up exactly where I would have been even if this hadn't all happened!

Yes, there have been countless blessings received that wouldn't have been if I hadn't been laid off.

But holy anti-climactic occurrences!

I was bawling. Harder than I did yesterday during the whole ClaRiTy thing.

And E took my call.

Next thing I knew, I was trying to think of a place for us to meet because she was dropping everything to drive two hours in my direction to meet. The kids would play and I would be able to vent.

And just knowing that she would do that for me made me feel better. Gave me the energy to go ahead with a couple of school-related errands before heading home for some chores.

Enter Leon. Again. Since I would be meeting her in his town, I needed his help. And he totally took my call and internetted (Yes, it can be a verb!) for me to find me a place to meet them.

So, E and her kids met up with me and the kidlet for food and shenanigans of the non-alcoholic kind.

And she brought me presents. Curriculum. Books. Science kits. And Bundt cakes.

Wow.

I was so touched.

After dinner when we let the kids go play, she was the hot one that "creepy headphone guy" wanted to hit on. And when he found out she was married, he instantly turned to me... Said, "Well, you have a man..." To which I responded, "no I don't." Of course, he asked why. And I explained that I'd just broken up with someone two days ago... And he asked a couple of questions about it and then deemed Leon "a good guy". Which seemed to bum him out, actually. Later, a security guard would ask us if we were okay, that we seemed to have a visitor to our table quite often. Minutes later, he would tell us that the guy had been removed from the premises.

Good times in that town.

And it was with hugs and loves that we said our good-byes... The kids decked out in their , matching, friendship bracelets. Me with a huge bag of goodies over my shoulder.

And now, exhausted, I'm finally ready for the sleep that has been cut short for the last several nights.

While my eyes are still raw from the tears which poured from them hours ago, my heart is full... So much Light and Love coming from so many people in so many places... I could totally feel the support when I was in that room fighting for breath this morning. And I certainly felt it when E gave me a safe haven in which to break down... And I most certainly felt it when the kidlet and I were running across the street because we were so excited to see our dear friends.

So amazingly blessed are we... That I can have a MeltDown and have a friend drop everything to be with us. To celebrate. To listen. To laugh.

Thanks, E. I needed that.

Okay, fine. Here goes.

AD sent me a link to something about "The Worst Blog Ever". And the gist of it was about how you're supposed to just write it. And click "publish post". Just do it.

And after tonight's little TMI Skype session with dear friends, I realized my blog is not exactly living up to its title.

So, here goes....

::deep breath::

The second date. The surprising and wonderful second date.

With someone with whom I am comfortable. I am myself. Both the Zen and the Fun one.

Or so I thought.

He was the one who actually picked me up. Like, at my apartment. And he took me out. But not before sitting with me for a few minutes and chatting... And then kissing me in a way that had me a bit flustered and nearly leaving my keys in their little hanging place in the kitchen. (No, that wasn't our first kiss. Apparently, RetroMama kisses on the first date. ::shrug::)

And he opened the door to his car for me... And played me new music. (I am a total sucker for a guy who adds something to my world... Whether it's a new song, a new band, a new place, a new food... And on our first date, he'd already gotten the new food thing points.)

And we went out in my town.

And I was comfortable. And he held my hands across the table. And we joked and laughed and talked about lots of serious stuff too. I thought we were on the same wavelength with the "I'm not looking for a relationship right now... I'm just looking to enjoy good times with good people..." I told him that I'd made a lot of mistakes and that I've not always behaved honorably. But that I am consciously working to behave honorably from here on...

And after a dinner that we lingered over for more than 2 hours, we went for a walk. And we held hands. And we found a place to sit and people watch. And saw some wonderful things that you would only see in my town... And we just held each other and kissed and talked... And kissed...

And it was lovely.

And then he drove me home... Holding hands the whole way... And there was more kissing... And... Shtuff.

Okay, maybe I'm chickening out on the TMI stuff.

Let's just say that I'm not exactly putting another notch in my lipstick case. But it was discussed. And I realized I was open to it. (No pun intended.)

But we both seemed to realize that it was too fast. But that we'd take a raincheck.

And when he left, much later, it was with more kisses and assurances that it had been a great day. And we would talk in the next few days and see each other somewhere around the end of the week.

And I was grinning happily when I saw his name on my Caller ID this morning. And answered the phone cheerfully, glad that he'd called.

And I don't even remember the whole conversation, but I think I remember the gist of it.

Something along the lines of "This can't go anywhere... We're done."

Um, okay. Wait. WHAT???

Somewhere in there, he reminded me that he'd had a really good time with me, and it wasn't me, it was him... Blah, blah, blah.

I'm embarrassed to say that I actually cried a little after we got off the phone.

And not because I'd fallen for him or anything like that. But just from the shock of it. I'd had a great time. And, sadly, I will admit that it was a bit of a blow to the ol' self-esteem. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me again? ::hangs head in shame at that one:: But that was only for about five minutes.

Because then I spoke to a girlfriend who helped me put it into perspective... OF COURSE it's just that I kick too much ass. And he can't handle the awesomeness that is me.

Haha. I'm really not that stuck on myself. But I cannot believe I am just as crappy a judge of character as I was a year ago. (Okay, I actually snorted with laughter when I wrote that part! Heee!!!)

But seriously.

I do appreciate that he picked up the phone to explain it to me. I appreciate that he showed me that respect. I think that took guts.

And during that TMI Skype session, I absolutely adored the reassurances that he probably does actually like me. But got scared or whatever. (DM: "Do you have a penis, flutiefan? No. Then shut up." lmao.)

He'll figure it out. And maybe I'll be in a place where I'd give him another chance. Or maybe I won't. And that will be his loss. At least that's what everybody keeps telling me. But in this moment, I will admit that it still feels like my loss. Because I don't have that to anticipate.

But lucky me.

I have friends who want me to come visit. So I get to get the hell outta Dodge once again which is awesome. And be with people who want to be with me.

And I will continue to be open to whatever (and whomever) comes next.

Moving on...

I've got a little SomeThing I need to get off my chest.

So, I still have the cancer.

I was all zen when I went to the dermatologist last week. I got up and did yoga that morning. Watched an episode of Friends. I was in a good place.

I got there, got checked in, and waited a few moments.

And then I was told that my insurance was terminated.

Um, what? No, it's not. I still have insurance through the end of August.

It was a snafu and got figured out, but it was a very stressful 40 minutes or so. There were snot bubbles, yes.

Ultimately, I had to reschedule my appointment for next month.

The good news is that now the top doc in the practice will be doing my surgery. And as much as I say I don't care about scarring, it's in a pretty visible place, so the idea of having a better doc is rather appealing. Plus, I got all the insurance stuff worked out so that it didn't affect my vacation.

Friends were all indignant on my behalf, but once I left, I dried my tears, took a deep breath, and moved on.

So different from who I was six months ago...

And then the kidlet and I headed for points north to visit some dear friends... Who we actually hadn't met until we arrived at their house with our suitcases.

And they spoiled us rotten for three days straight.

There was lots of sitting around relaxing... The kids played game after game of Monopoly, Sorry, and Apples to Apples. They introduced us to Ninja Warrior, which is this awesome Japanese game show. E kicked my ass with the Pilates and the Water Aerobics. D made these amazing meals that nearly made me cry with the deliciousness. There was wine every night and coffee every morning... And one wonderful evening with margaritas and shenanigans.

We came home with a suitcase full of hand-me-downs for the kidlet, a memory stick with photos (many of which will never be posted on the internet! LOL!), a box of peanut butter bonbons, Skype on my laptop, a brain full of inside jokes and memories, and a name for my cancer.

I knew I needed to embrace it since it will remain with me for several weeks more.

And after racking my brain for a day, it took D about 45 seconds to name it: SomeThing. Because now I have a little SomeThing to get off my chest.

Yes, this is my sense of humor. And we all share the same kind. And it was lovely.

And I came home with things to anticipate, which is good. Kept me from slipping into the doldrums on the drive home...

And everything I anticipated has turned out better than I'd even hoped so far...

Time with friends, unexpected pleasures, hilly miles and a summer concert.

Yes, even with this SomeThing, I am good. Focusing on all that is wonderful and beautiful in my world.

And there is a LOT.

Because my blogs are her espresso.

Last week, I got a text saying "You haven't blogged lately."

And I said I'd blogged the week before. Twice.

And she said, "But your blogs are my espresso when I can't have coffee..."

And while I promised to blog that day, I didn't really feel motivated to do so until now. I was pretty busy getting some other writing done... I entered a contest last week, and got some pretty positive feedback so far... I shall keep you posted on the results...

But speaking of not having coffee...

I think I've weaned. Today is my second day without caffeine... I had a slight headache for three days, but today was actually okay. Even after the 10 miles of hills this morning. Of course, Kev reminds me that there's still some caffeine in decaf coffee, but whatever. :P And the withdrawal headaches of those three days were nothing compared to when I quit cold-turkey two summers ago.

I spent two days in my hometown with the kidlet last week... The last time I'd been home was over spring break, and I was still a bit of a basket case... Afraid to go out and about. Afraid of running into any of the girls who were so cruel last summer... Afraid to go to that other town because I didn't want to run into the soulmate unawares...

Last week, I took my hometown back.

The visit was somewhat impromptu... I mean, I'd known I would be going, but didn't really think about planning anything until I was actually there...

And I was pleasantly surprised that I managed to fill my time with loveliness and love. We had a wonderful breakfast with a pal from elementary school/jr. high. It was cool for me that my dad was there because he totally remembered this friend as well... How wonderful to see what a beautiful woman she has turned out to be...

And that evening, when a few of us got together at a favorite restaurant... I loved that the kidlet told his dad that we weren't just meeting my friends, but his friends as well... And when I asked him which friends we were meeting, he included P's new baby as well. Even though they hadn't met yet... I love that children count the children of their parents' friends as their own, even if they've never met.

How uncomplicated are children's friendships? Such lessons to be learned from their innocence...

Speaking of P... He's a good friend of the ex-fiancee, SB. But he and I had been friends before I even met SB... And even though we hadn't seen each other in nearly 7 years (he came by once when the kidlet was a baby), it was so easy to just pick up where we left off... And so awesome to see him all settled and as a daddy...

There was a moment during dinner when we joked that I could never go to one of our high school reunions. That I "could never show my face there"... And then someone said, "But it could be really funny..."

And I realized why I was so comfortable in that town... It's because I am different enough in the core of me that I believe those girls wouldn't even recognize me now... They see me as this totally wild girl who indiscriminately kisses, and has to be the center of attention, and will say and DO whatever outrageous thing pops into her head...

And I'm not that girl anymore. Oh, she's still in there, but I'm a bit more mellow these days. More centered... Even my SoulMate said to me, "Your energy is totally different!"

And I realized that part of the reason why I played those roles is because that had somehow been established that I was "that girl"... And those friends came to expect that of me... And having always been a "people pleaser", I gave the people what they wanted... And that was that particular aspect of me. They were the catalyst for some of those behaviors.

They thrived on my drama and fed me the fuel to keep it going.

But I'm not really into that anymore. Like, at all. I flee from drama these days.

::shrug::

This last week was one of much reflection... Probably because last week marked one year since so much changed... When I met HRT... And every wonderful and awful thing that happened in the following couple of weeks. I spent last 4th of July with him and with a dear friend who was spending her first holiday without her little boy...

I didn't have to spend yesterday without the kidlet. Even though it was, technically, his dad's day, I still got to see him for several hours, and I love that we have such a flexible arrangement and that we can all still hang out for his sake... I am a very fortunate woman...

And this morning, with the 10 miles of hills... CoffeeLady asked why I jumped in with a story from last year when she shared something with me... And it's because I'm making connections all over the place... I'm picking up on them faster and faster these days...

Seeing things so clearly for maybe the first time ever.

Driving back from my hometown, with my precious boy asleep in the backseat... I heard a song that had me shaking... Because it evoked a memory from much earlier in my marriage... A memory from before we were parents... From a time when I managed to be able to arrange a spectacular date... And ended up only getting part of the evening I'd hoped for because someone else was more important... And as I sobbed in my car, I was so angry with myself... For having put up with that for so much longer than I'd even admitted to myself.

But I can never regret it.

Because staying netted me my boy. That precious little soul... My heart. My Number One Priority.

And as I grow inside this new skin of mine, I will watch with some sadness as some I've counted on move away... Because they were really drawn to the drama queen who isn't there anymore... But I will welcome with open arms those who are drawn to this woman I am becoming... Who will accept me, flaws and all, but who truly know the value of a more zen existence.

Eight steps forward...

...and maybe a few steps back.

ClaRiTy came several weeks ago... In finding that "the spell had been broken"... And it was liberating and wonderful.

And I totally thought I was just going to let it all go... Just be grateful for the role this person played in my life... Glad to have experienced that beautiful little pocket of time... And to just let it go... Because I'm now all zen and stuff...

Um, yeah.

Apparently, I'm still me.

And even though I'm being all strong and deleting phone numbers so that I can't do stupid things with technology during weak moments, I am, apparently, still going to have weak moments. And even though I don't want them to think that they matter, I still want to think that I matter to them...

And even though the season is over, or the reason has been fulfilled... I still would like to know that I mattered. That I was important. That I left a footprint on their past, just as they did mine.

I just think that when you share something huge with someone, it's supposed to matter. Not that it has to be the central thing forever, but it still had to matter...

Because certain things still matter to me... Certain days during my year are still going to matter...

And when you tell yourself for two years that this particular person was so important, and that they were wonderful, loving, caring, and took such good care of you in your time of need... But then you remember that they weren't actually there. Like, yeah, they cleaned you up and fed you and stuff... But later... When you were hitching up the big girl panties and going for that painful procedure... By yourself. And the one person who should have been there with you not only wasn't there, but didn't even call until much later... Or maybe didn't even call at all... Maybe you were the one that called... ???

Wait. That person was actually kind of a shit about the whole thing.

Ummm... Okay, what now? The illusion I've created for myself might not actually be the reality in which the rest of the world exists...

And there will be those in the "You're the bigger person, you should say these things so that the next person doesn't have to hurt the way you did..." camp.

And there will be those in the "You've grown so much... Leave the past in the past..." camp.

But where's the part where I'm getting the closure I deserve so I'm not sitting here crying as these waves of clarity wash over me???

Maybe while I ponder this, I should stay far, far away from the technology...

Signing off for awhile...

Goodnight.