Taking Care of Me.

I've been trying to be good to myself.

Going to bed early. Eating well. (Well, when it occurs to me.) Talking to those who are a comfort. Using my words. Telling my story. Working out.

There are those who tell me I'll just be victimized all over again. And it wouldn't do any good. LI is going to get away with it. Let it go.

And there are those who tell me that even without the physical evidence, I still have a case. I still have a right to be heard. I didn't do anything wrong.

I told my therapist everything. Yes, everything. And we laughed when I swore to him that I'm right-handed.

And then the couples therapy. That was actually pretty productive. The guy did tell us that it doesn't really seem like we should get back together. And then the husband acted like it mattered. And I told him about LI. And he was actually pretty nice about it.

And then I worked out with Pete Jones. And it was awesome. And I realized that he can never break up with his girlfriend. Because he's the only man I trust right now. And he's been so great to me. Helping me work out frustrations. Helping me focus on being healthy. Telling me that LI was a fucking asshole. Telling me that no matter what happened since, that he hoped Eric would step up and testify about how messed up I was when LI left. Because that would be the right thing to do.

And I'm being patient. And not impulsive.

And three days later, I spoke to a lawyer.

And I'm still just so stunned and grateful for the conversation we had tonight. He is the first person I went into detail with. And he let me cry. And he told me over and over again that it's not my fault. He asked me detailed questions. He told me what my options are. He was really, really good to me. I'm incredibly grateful for the kindness this stranger showed me this evening.

This week has been a rather difficult one. But I'm trying really hard to be good to myself. I haven't written much. I need to catch up. I've got a bunch of middle-schoolers counting on me. I need a good night of sleep tonight. I haven't really gotten one since LI walked through my door a month ago.

So, I'm offering myself the gift of sleep.

I'm not going to think about whether or not Eric would step up to tell the authorities about how I sat on this couch that night, huddled under a blanket, shivering uncontrollably. Or if he would continue to pretend I don't exist and just let me continue to suffer without justice.

I'm not going to think about the people with whom I work who are not quite as dedicated as I am to these amazing kids.

I'm not going to think about how I could have been on a transatlantic flight tonight.

I'm not going to think about the fact that my husband actually asked me out on a date for tomorrow evening.

I'm not going to think about any of that.

I'm just going to stretch the muscles that Pete Jones pushed twice this week and think about the book cover that a former student drew for me. And the poem that some girl I don't even know wrote for me because she loves the book I wrote last year and she believes that I've inspired her to "read and do right choices"...

I'm going to think about how snuggly my boy was tonight and how well he's doing in school.

I'm going to think about how I may be getting rid of this couch sooner than I had even thought possible.

I'm going to think about the girls who hugged me and yelled at me and loved me on Sunday.

I'm going to breathe.

And I'm going to be.

And I'm going to rest.

And that's all for today.

You risk nothing when you stand to lose everything.

This is why I have the hard conversations.

I feel like I'm more "me" than I ever could be.

In this place, I take the high road, but I don't run from the confrontations. In this place, ClaRiTy comes in waves... That nearly knock me breathless...

I am still a work in progress... But I am surrounded by people who shake me up a bit... TF, who asked me why I was focusing on something I have no control over and got me to open up about what was really upsetting me... V, who told me to MYOB...

These are women who make me brave... Brave enough to tell someone the truth, knowing s/he will judge me but will love me anyway... (The first time I said it, I said, "I know you won't judge me..." and then stopped to correct myself "You absolutely WILL judge me, but you'll love me anyway!")

ClaRiTy comes from being stuck in the middle... The same position into which I threw some of my dearest friends... It's a little different here, but from this perspective, I am open to accepting the decisions they made during that time... And while I refuse to betray anyone's confidence, I still insist that I am not wrong about how there needs to be a conversation.

TheRaPist told me to write a letter several weeks ago... Instead, I picked up the phone today... Well, answered it when it rang. LOL.

And while my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweating, I said the hard words. And they were received openly and with love...

I am so blessed.

V taught me last night that one of the beautiful bits of living on my own is that I can go out to dinner with a friend at 7 on a Wednesday... And have a glass of wine with dinner.

Amazing.

I called my SoulMate this morning and asked her husband to tell her how much it touches me that I see the words Love and Light in so many new places... I love that RK used it in his own blog, recently... My SM taught me that (she signs her emails with Love, Light, and Angel Hugs) and I love that I am putting it out there and so many are taking the L&L and making it theirs... She has influenced those who are strangers to her in such a positive way...

Update on the neighbor and the injuries:

I went to the office and showed them the notes and let them listen to the voicemail... She called and left a voicemail for the person we'd determined it to be and explained that I do live here, it is my carport, and it's unacceptable to place nasty notes on residents' cars... That same evening I got a voicemail from him... Opening with the apology. Going into an explanation about the history of my assigned carport, and how he'd had a bad day and he was so very sorry and he's really not an "a-hole" (his exact words! LOL!), and that I will have no issues with him ever again.

I admire a man who can sack up and apologize when it's warranted. Or a woman.

I lost a toenail in the fallout. The pinky toenail. I was probably going to lose it anyway. But still. I limped around for a couple of days, and wore flip-flops at work, thanks to the suggestion of a student (who really just wanted to see the toe! LOL!)

Last night as I waited for V to come pick me up, I stiffened up on the left side... The bruising turns different colors every hour, and last night, I had a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep... I'm still pretty swollen... Sitting is rather uncomfortable...

But I am healing.

It usually gets worse before it gets better... Physically and emotionally.