So, I broke up with Eric. Like, for real.
And that just fucking sucks.
I go back and forth between overwhelmingly crushed and royally pissed off.
I wish I could crawl into his BlackBerry and take back my last email. When I told him how sad and mad I am. Because I felt better when I was writing it out, but I probably shouldn't have hit "send".
Oops.
I was so strong for almost the whole day, too.
I adore that I have amazing friends who say the hard shit. V's words from last week keep running through my head, "You're feeling this way because you know he's not "the one" and you're settling... That's okay, but that's what it is."
And I can't help but think that he WILL BE the one. But, like, in a year or something.
And I knew that almost from the beginning.
I'm going to try not to beat myself up too much over this one. He brought me much joy for awhile. It just couldn't be sustained in its present state.
Time heals.
I just kinda wish we could fast-forward through the crying bits.
Showing posts with label v. Show all posts
Showing posts with label v. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Why, yes, I am in junior high...
I've been asked to update.
It's been an absolutely amazing week.
I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.
I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!
I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.
But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.
But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.
I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.
Oy.
But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.
And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.
And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."
I don't think he had known my mom is dead.
::awkward silence::
But it wasn't awkward.
It was amazing.
And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.
And then he told me he's dating someone.
Fuck.
They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).
And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.
I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.
I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.
But this time it's different.
It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.
And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.
All's fair in Love and War, right?
If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.
I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.
I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)
So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.
And then my phone rang.
And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!
He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.
It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.
I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.
And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.
And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.
And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)
So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.
:D
It's been an absolutely amazing week.
I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.
I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!
I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.
But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.
But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.
I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.
Oy.
But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.
And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.
And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."
I don't think he had known my mom is dead.
::awkward silence::
But it wasn't awkward.
It was amazing.
And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.
And then he told me he's dating someone.
Fuck.
They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).
And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.
I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.
I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.
But this time it's different.
It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.
And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.
All's fair in Love and War, right?
If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.
I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.
I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)
So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.
And then my phone rang.
And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!
He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.
It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.
I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.
And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.
And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.
And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)
So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.
:D
Monday, February 16, 2009
Six months lasted a week. If that.
I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.
But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.
I do need to blog it.
It's like breathing.
We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.
I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.
But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...
Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.
And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.
I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...
And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.
And then we were done for the evening.
And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.
As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"
And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"
And then he left.
And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"
But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.
I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.
Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"
And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.
I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.
Harmless is good.
Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.
M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.
And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.
But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.
Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.
Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.
I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.
And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.
Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.
And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.
And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.
And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...
And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...
I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.
I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.
But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.
I don't want to hide.
And I know I'm not ready for this.
Six months, Blanche said.
Six months.
Okay, maybe I'll start....
Now.
But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.
I do need to blog it.
It's like breathing.
We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.
I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.
But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...
Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.
And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.
I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...
And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.
And then we were done for the evening.
And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.
As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"
And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"
And then he left.
And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"
But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.
I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.
Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"
And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.
I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.
Harmless is good.
Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.
M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.
And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.
But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.
Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.
Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.
I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.
And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.
Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.
And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.
And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.
And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...
And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...
I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.
I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.
But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.
I don't want to hide.
And I know I'm not ready for this.
Six months, Blanche said.
Six months.
Okay, maybe I'll start....
Now.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You risk nothing when you stand to lose everything.
This is why I have the hard conversations.
I feel like I'm more "me" than I ever could be.
In this place, I take the high road, but I don't run from the confrontations. In this place, ClaRiTy comes in waves... That nearly knock me breathless...
I am still a work in progress... But I am surrounded by people who shake me up a bit... TF, who asked me why I was focusing on something I have no control over and got me to open up about what was really upsetting me... V, who told me to MYOB...
These are women who make me brave... Brave enough to tell someone the truth, knowing s/he will judge me but will love me anyway... (The first time I said it, I said, "I know you won't judge me..." and then stopped to correct myself "You absolutely WILL judge me, but you'll love me anyway!")
ClaRiTy comes from being stuck in the middle... The same position into which I threw some of my dearest friends... It's a little different here, but from this perspective, I am open to accepting the decisions they made during that time... And while I refuse to betray anyone's confidence, I still insist that I am not wrong about how there needs to be a conversation.
TheRaPist told me to write a letter several weeks ago... Instead, I picked up the phone today... Well, answered it when it rang. LOL.
And while my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweating, I said the hard words. And they were received openly and with love...
I am so blessed.
V taught me last night that one of the beautiful bits of living on my own is that I can go out to dinner with a friend at 7 on a Wednesday... And have a glass of wine with dinner.
Amazing.
I called my SoulMate this morning and asked her husband to tell her how much it touches me that I see the words Love and Light in so many new places... I love that RK used it in his own blog, recently... My SM taught me that (she signs her emails with Love, Light, and Angel Hugs) and I love that I am putting it out there and so many are taking the L&L and making it theirs... She has influenced those who are strangers to her in such a positive way...
Update on the neighbor and the injuries:
I went to the office and showed them the notes and let them listen to the voicemail... She called and left a voicemail for the person we'd determined it to be and explained that I do live here, it is my carport, and it's unacceptable to place nasty notes on residents' cars... That same evening I got a voicemail from him... Opening with the apology. Going into an explanation about the history of my assigned carport, and how he'd had a bad day and he was so very sorry and he's really not an "a-hole" (his exact words! LOL!), and that I will have no issues with him ever again.
I admire a man who can sack up and apologize when it's warranted. Or a woman.
I lost a toenail in the fallout. The pinky toenail. I was probably going to lose it anyway. But still. I limped around for a couple of days, and wore flip-flops at work, thanks to the suggestion of a student (who really just wanted to see the toe! LOL!)
Last night as I waited for V to come pick me up, I stiffened up on the left side... The bruising turns different colors every hour, and last night, I had a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep... I'm still pretty swollen... Sitting is rather uncomfortable...
But I am healing.
It usually gets worse before it gets better... Physically and emotionally.
I feel like I'm more "me" than I ever could be.
In this place, I take the high road, but I don't run from the confrontations. In this place, ClaRiTy comes in waves... That nearly knock me breathless...
I am still a work in progress... But I am surrounded by people who shake me up a bit... TF, who asked me why I was focusing on something I have no control over and got me to open up about what was really upsetting me... V, who told me to MYOB...
These are women who make me brave... Brave enough to tell someone the truth, knowing s/he will judge me but will love me anyway... (The first time I said it, I said, "I know you won't judge me..." and then stopped to correct myself "You absolutely WILL judge me, but you'll love me anyway!")
ClaRiTy comes from being stuck in the middle... The same position into which I threw some of my dearest friends... It's a little different here, but from this perspective, I am open to accepting the decisions they made during that time... And while I refuse to betray anyone's confidence, I still insist that I am not wrong about how there needs to be a conversation.
TheRaPist told me to write a letter several weeks ago... Instead, I picked up the phone today... Well, answered it when it rang. LOL.
And while my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweating, I said the hard words. And they were received openly and with love...
I am so blessed.
V taught me last night that one of the beautiful bits of living on my own is that I can go out to dinner with a friend at 7 on a Wednesday... And have a glass of wine with dinner.
Amazing.
I called my SoulMate this morning and asked her husband to tell her how much it touches me that I see the words Love and Light in so many new places... I love that RK used it in his own blog, recently... My SM taught me that (she signs her emails with Love, Light, and Angel Hugs) and I love that I am putting it out there and so many are taking the L&L and making it theirs... She has influenced those who are strangers to her in such a positive way...
Update on the neighbor and the injuries:
I went to the office and showed them the notes and let them listen to the voicemail... She called and left a voicemail for the person we'd determined it to be and explained that I do live here, it is my carport, and it's unacceptable to place nasty notes on residents' cars... That same evening I got a voicemail from him... Opening with the apology. Going into an explanation about the history of my assigned carport, and how he'd had a bad day and he was so very sorry and he's really not an "a-hole" (his exact words! LOL!), and that I will have no issues with him ever again.
I admire a man who can sack up and apologize when it's warranted. Or a woman.
I lost a toenail in the fallout. The pinky toenail. I was probably going to lose it anyway. But still. I limped around for a couple of days, and wore flip-flops at work, thanks to the suggestion of a student (who really just wanted to see the toe! LOL!)
Last night as I waited for V to come pick me up, I stiffened up on the left side... The bruising turns different colors every hour, and last night, I had a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep... I'm still pretty swollen... Sitting is rather uncomfortable...
But I am healing.
It usually gets worse before it gets better... Physically and emotionally.
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