Why, yes, I am in junior high...

I've been asked to update.

It's been an absolutely amazing week.

I have been kicking ass and taking names. I wrote an article. The night before the deadline. And it's going to be published. Holy shit.

I wrote a letter to someone I owed an apology and an explanation. And it was well-received. She even apologized to me, too!

I was in the middle of planning a fun night with E and Wendy (and a fun afternoon with D!) when I got a phone call... And it was a dear friend whose mother had just died... And suddenly, I was trying to maneuver a trip halfway across the country with a day's notice. The Ex was totally supportive and such, but it meant a lot of plan changes. No fun night with E and Wendy. I'd have to bail on the brilliant plan we'd hatched for me to win Brendan over. Sub plans, etc.

But I would have done it. Because I'm that kind of friend.

But hearing about his mother's passing brought my own mother's passing back to the surface. And I was in a fragile place when Brendan called me.

I'd been planning to be the awesome chick and there I was, completely spaz-tastic.

Oy.

But he called me later and when I told him about the beautiful way that my friend's mom had died, he told me about how his own mom had been there at her mother's side when she'd died. And he told me how she'd told her it was okay to let go. And that she was there, holding her hand, when she'd taken her last breath.

And tears streamed down my face. I was trying to stifle the sobs because I didn't want him to know I was crying.

And then I said, "I did the same thing for my mom."

I don't think he had known my mom is dead.

::awkward silence::

But it wasn't awkward.

It was amazing.

And we had this great conversation. Brendan likes me. He really likes me. And he gets me. And he appreciates all that is me. In a way that no man I've been close to has been able to.

And then he told me he's dating someone.

Fuck.

They've been seeing each other for a few weeks (which is why he stopped writing to me after the new year).

And I was BUMMED. And, stupidly, I told him that. Shit.

I realized later (thank you, CF!) that I was really crying over the whole dead-mommy thing and not the boy. But still.

I remember how in the past, I've always stepped back when it came to other people's relationships. I gave up a friendship that really mattered to me last summer, remember? I've allowed myself to let go of something because someone else was there first.

But this time it's different.

It's not like they're in a relationship. It's not like he told me he can't see me because he's with her. He told me over and over again how much he wants me in his world. How much he likes me.

And by the time I got to D and E's house, my resolve was back.

All's fair in Love and War, right?

If they're "meant to be", they will be. And if they're not, well then I know I didn't just roll over and let go of something that could really matter.

I didn't hear back from him after an email on Wednesday. And we were still up in the air about whether or not we'd see each other tomorrow.

I planned to email him on Friday so that I would know how much wine I could drink tonight. (It makes sense in my head)

So, there I was at 8:00 in the morning in my classroom yesterday. I had 10 students in my room, hanging out, helping me with a few things. I was frantically trying to put together a bulletin board for the office that I'd been told that morning needed to go up that day.

And then my phone rang.

And I could see from the caller ID that it was Brendan. I couldn't NOT answer it!

He had decided to call me spur-of-the-moment just to tell me that he was thinking about me. He was listening to something in the car on his way to work and it made him think about the gratitude thing I've got going on... So, he decided to call me and tell me that.

It was all I could do not to cry and laugh and jump up and down while I was on the phone with him. One of my students was staring at me and I was totally doing the happy dance.

I attempted to keep my cool while we were still on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I raced up and down the rows of my classroom and laughed and jumped up and down.

And it totally made my entire day. Every one of my students had an awesome day because I was in that great of a mood.

And I got all of my stuff done and then had a great night with my son and our friends and the Ex.

And Brendan did get back to me today about tomorrow. He can't go. Which is fine. I may have a date with someone else I just started talking to... (What? I don't mind being the kettle!!!)

So, I will enjoy a Wine and Secrets night with NOF and V this evening... And I shall sleep in tomorrow... And I'll see Brendan next week. After I go out on a date with someone else.

:D

Rain washes it all way...

I need to blog so badly that I'm using a computer I swore I'd never use for this site.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Granted, I've had a rough start back to work.

But this thing with Clark is getting to me... There's something about him... That tore down all of my defenses...

So, after these couple of days... When I went home alone last night... And cried myself to sleep...

Realizing that I am so ready... For something more...

My marriage is over. And even though Liz Gilbert wrote yet another book that I read just when I needed to read it, I need to LIVE it.

I actually called the Ex and read him a passage from "Committed". And he totally understood why I read it to him. And he agreed that he'd been trying to tell me that for that period of time two years ago when we stood over the precipice that had become our distance from each other and chose to step away.

Holy clarity. That hurt.

But last night. When I remembered seeing my neighbor's boyfriend show up at her door with flowers a month ago...

I realized that I do want it all.

So, I'm putting it out there to the Universe:

~I want a man to bring me flowers. Not because he has to. But because he wants to. Sunflowers are a safe bet. As are tulips.

~He should be a coffee-drinker. And should understand my need for the stuff.

~He should be a reader.

~He should be active.

~He should be passionate. About something. Something that is, at least, somewhat interesting to me.

~He should be a texter.

~He should be one who calls. And he should be glad to hear from me when I call.

~He should have a calendar and be willing to talk to me about which nights I am available to see him.

~He should at least communicate with me on the days when I won't see him.

~He should be willing to plan for something the following week.

~He should be amazing in bed.

~He should think it's awesome that I'm going to shave my head for charity. Maybe he'll even be willing to do it, too. :)

~He should drink wine. Red wine.

~He should like sushi.

I've been meaning to blog about the online dating thing I've been doing... And I've met some great guys. Each of them has had something wonderful to offer. I've learned a bit more from each of them...

So, now I'm making my list. Oh, and that reminds me... I need to make my List... CF will be number one on it this morning, for sure.

But my point is this:

I can and will add to my requirements. But they are just that: Requirements.

I'm done compromising. But, dammit, I'm ready.

So, this or better, Universe. You hear me???

Potty Talk.

When I moved out, I knew I needed an apartment with two bathrooms. Having shared a bathroom with two boys for years, I knew that one thing that would be lovely for me would be to have a bathroom of my own. And nobody else would get to pee in it.

CF totally understood. "Yes, I can totally have sex with a guy in my bed, but he can't pee in my bathroom." Uh-uh. The bathroom is mine.

I remember when I was thinking the day would come when I might have sex with Leon... And I kept telling myself I needed to clean my bathroom. Because if I had sex with him, he'd probably stay over and stuff. And I hadn't let anyone stay over. Uh-uh. I have been a "have my way with them and kick them OUT" kind of gal lately.

When I thought Leon would be picking me up from the airport, I was overwhelmed with the idea that I needed to make sure to clean my bathroom before I left town.

But then I didn't. And I told myself that I would make sure I wouldn't invite him to stay if I didn't have a clean (enough) bathroom.

Apparently, that was my little passive-aggressive way to keep me from letting anyone stay. To keep me from letting anyone get close enough to me. I think the clean bathroom almost became a metaphor for my love life.

I had a good excuse in November. I was noveling. I may have vacuumed once during that month. And that's pretty much it. Dishes piled up, laundry too. It's the nature of the beast that is NaNoWriMo.

As soon as December hit, I caught up on the housework. But only the very basic cleaning in the bathroom. Very basic. Certainly not "let someone else go in there" worthy.

The first time the 23-year-old came over, he went off to my bathroom to clean up. And I was pretty close to having a panic attack. Not kidding. Hated the idea of a boy peeing in my bathroom. That was MY space. He didn't belong there. He could put his penis in my vagina, but was NOT allowed to pee in my toilet. I directed him to the other bathroom the next time. And the brat still tried to make a break for my bathroom on another occasion. I did not allow this.

So, CJ and I had the talk I had decided it was time for. And he answered all of my questions... And then asked me some really good questions. Hard questions. Questions that made me think. And didn't hold a single answer against me. Totally respectful. Asked me if we ended up having sex if I was willing to date him and see where it could go. Or if I wanted no strings attached.

And shockingly, I realized I am open to seeing where it will go. While I'm not ready to be "all in" and be his girlfriend, I'm actually open to moving forward cautiously, but with my heart and eyes wide open.

Weird.

And he asked me out. For Saturday night. And wants to take me someplace that I have always wanted to go. But I haven't. We had already established a date for Thursday. And I thought we would go there then. But he said he wanted to make it Saturday, but still wanted to see me Thursday. And I was flattered and touched.

I cried on the way to work the next day. Because I felt happy. I imagined being out with him on Saturday night, enjoying where we would be, looking at him and being so grateful that he is the one that brought me to that place... And the tears spilled over. I hope I don't actually cry when we're actually there. LOL.

And we're in pretty regular communication. He's not afraid to let me know that he's thinking about me. And he's not afraid to step back and let me do my thing. I am not quite sure how to deal with that. I like it a lot, but it's so unfamiliar to me.

Okay, I wrote that last sentence and my eyes filled with tears. How sad that it's unfamiliar to me for someone to be attracted to me, want to be with me, and yet unafraid to let me kick ass like I do.

Huh. I did not give CJ enough credit.

And we did go out on Thursday. And he got me pretty hot and bothered, but sent me home alone because he didn't want to pass his cold along to me. As we were hugging and (not) kissing outside my car that night, we heard my phone indicate a text. Which I ignored until I got in the car to head home.

Of course it was 23-year-old. Making it clear what he was hoping would happen later.

And I shut it down.

Even though I was desperately aroused. And while I thought I was pretty clear about our little thing being over, apparently it takes a bit longer for this kid to "get it". I tried to be sensitive (yes, okay, perhaps he did have some actual feelings for me. Oops!), but I didn't give in. Even though I'd started drinking Cabernet.

I'm actually giving this loyalty thing a try. Holy wow.

And then it was Friday night. And I did the usual Friday night thing. Hanging out with the Ex and the Kidlet and a small group of friends. Got to snuggle the kidlet and enjoy him.

And then I came home. Dragged all of my purchases up the stairs, while on the phone with CJ. We ended our conversation because I had "things to do".

And what I had to do?

Clean the bathroom.

And I did.

Big-time.

Clarity is sometimes fun and sometimes painful...

... but it always, apparently, arrives at the moment it's supposed to.

I learned a lot about myself in the last several days.

I took my son on the out-of-state trip we had planned. And I did it. All by myself. And that validation I had been waiting for didn't come from anybody else. I had been waiting for just one person to say, "Yeah, I can imagine that even though it's going to be great, and I totally believe you can do it, but yeah, I can see that it would be scary to do."

Nobody said that to me. But I sure said it to myself. While I appreciate that everybody seems to believe that I kick ass and I take it in stride, there are some scary things that I take on. This was one of them.

Amazingly, upon our return, it was my sister-in-law who stared at me admiringly. I don't think she was impressed about me driving that many hours and that many miles with just me and him. She was impressed by the fact that I took him on a trail... With no handrails. (Again, a moment of clarity right there!) The idea of being responsible for this amazing little human being who was, potentially, inches from plunging nearly a mile to his death. Was absolutely terrifying. And he was scared, too. And he talked about how we were being brave. And I love that he learned that with me. And I explained to him that "courage is not the absence of fear. It's deciding that something else is more important than the fear."

Fuck. Writing that out just now made me realize, once again, that CF was right last night.

Ugh.

So, after this amazing trip, in which we were both total troopers, I pushed it hard to get back last night. CF was in town for the holiday and last night would be my only chance to see her.

So, I did. And over drinks and dinner, I sobbed to her about how I had woken up at 3:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day, having imaginary conversations with Leon in my head. And I had written him a letter that night (unsent. Don't worry.) that was somewhat healing for me. But how I have this certainty that it's not quite finished with him. Because of one stupid thing he said to me two months ago. Apparently, I'm supposed to do this one thing. And I got angry. "Why is it that I always have to do what's right for someone else? Why can't I just consider what's in it for me?" And she calmly took it and said, "That's just not who you are."

Ugh. I hate it when people are right about me.

But I hate it more when people are wrong about me.

Which is why I'm so angry with Leon. And, I suppose, Roger, too. He was so sweet the whole time I was gone. Texting me with "hi beautiful". But some stuff has been rubbing me the wrong way. I'm proud of myself for telling him. And he's been taking it in stride. The impression I have of him, though, is of someone that would just let me have my way all the time. And, contrary to popular belief, I actually need someone who will put me in my place every now and then. Take me down a peg.

CF certainly did that last night. Calling me out on stuff. Asking me the hardest questions of all. Making me think. Giving me an assignment.

But doing so with Love and with Laughter.

Sick laughter. Our poor waitress. Who happened to walk up to leave a drink as we were talking about "tossing mommies off the pier". Luckily, she didn't hear us giggling about how "it's all fun and games until somebody's bleeding out on the bathroom floor."

Yep, your RetroMama's a sick, sick girl. And she loves that she has an amazing CF with whom to share that laughter.

Totally worth the all-day drive to get there.

Even if she's got to pull up the damn BGPs again.

Which she's doing now. As she signs off to go get ready for her date with destiny... Or, rather, (hopefully!!! fingers crossed!) with "other guy".

All in good time...

Timing is everything.

I am a hopeful girl. I live in Reality but dwell in Possibility.

One of those stupid notecards had a sentence on it: Tell the truth.

And when I saw that sentence, I knew what I needed to say. But I didn't say it.

Later I would question why I didn't tell him that one thing. Because that one thing would remove that one obstacle he kept insisting was there. Was I sabotaging us? Was I not telling him that one thing because if I removed that obstacle then I'd actually have to try to be with him? Or was it that he truly didn't need to know? What was my motivation for that?

I got myself pretty worked up on Tuesday about that one thing. I had this sick feeling in my stomach about it. I just knew that I should have told him. But could I fix it? And would it make any difference?

So, I called Leon. And he took my call, which I find surprising still.

I told him I would tell him the truth, but could he tell me first if my impression of our situation was correct? Because I had gotten the impression that he's done. That he's not even willing to entertain the idea of a possible future down the line. "Yeah, I'm leaning that way."

So it shouldn't have mattered when I told him the truth. The thing I'd kept from him for two months.

I apologized for not having told him sooner, but that it should prove that his excuse was ridiculous (I don't think I used that word to him. But it's the word I hear in my head now. LOL).

He told me it was okay.

And then instantly came up with another excuse. This time about how we're incompatible. That his lifestyle wouldn't be okay for me. Um, WTF? "Yesterday I told you a bunch of reasons why I love you for who you are, and now you're deciding that we're incompatible?"

He went on to tell me that "I would have to make major changes to my lifestyle to be with you and I just don't see that happening anytime soon."

It got a little escalated. It ended with apologies from both of us and quickly getting off the phone. His last words were, "I'll talk to you later."

And I pretty much lost it when we got off the phone. AD got the initial breakdown.

Later CF called me... And I explained to her what had happened over the previous twenty-four hours. At one point she said, "You know, he'll figure it out. He'll miss you in a few years, when he grows up."

And I stopped her and said, "He's thirty-five years old. This is not a man who is going to grow." And I told her to hold on while I wrote that down. And now I have a piece of paper on my desk that reads, "This is not a man who is going to grow."

That will stay there until I don't need it anymore.

And then I went to Therapy. And glared at my Therapist. And used up half a box of kleenex.

And told him by the end of our session that "I'm grateful for this pain. Because if I hadn't gone through this, I never would have known that he loves me. And I heard him say it. More than once. And I'm glad I did this now instead of waiting until the new year. Because now I can start healing now..."

And that's precisely it. When I heard him come up with yet another excuse the moment I poked holes in the original one, I realized that this is a man who is so fearful of loving someone that he will sabotage it before it even starts. And this is a man who is still communicating with someone who has done nearly as horrific things to him as HRT did to me. And someone who will invite that drama into his world is not someone whom I should be around.

Sadly, I lost respect for him in those moments. And that's not something he's going to have the chance to get back.

But in the midst of all of this pain, there has been so much joy... A colleague went out of her way to comment about how happy I am all the time. And today I told her that it meant a lot that she had said that yesterday because I had actually just had my heart broken into a thousand pieces. And she hugged me. And that was so great.

And I'm planning my next races and found out that one of them involves an extra day in which I can finally get the tattoo (maybe two?!?!) that I've been dreaming about...

And Roger texted me the very next morning to say "good morning"...

And my students are amazing... One of them gave me an antenna ball with a football helmet from my favorite team. This is a kid I had thought didn't even like me. And he's giving me presents. And displaying integrity by pointing out that his last test was graded incorrectly and he actually had earned a lower grade than the one he'd been assigned.

Wow. Bet that kid's not gonna grow up and run away from the woman he loves. Maybe he'll even stop smoking for her... Or at least give her the chance to decide if she wants to take on helping him with that.

Oops. Projecting again. Sorry. Haha.

But after last weekend and these last few days, I'm realizing that, once again, everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am grateful for not having delayed this heartache. I'm supposed to be experiencing it right now...

Hmmm... Maybe one of my characters is going to go through a horrific breakup.

Haha.

All is well... And all will be well...

First of all, for those of you who care, I am now cancer-free.

And that kicks ass.

:D

For those of you who were wondering about the dating stuff, well... Here goes:

I saw the guy again. It was a rather brief interlude, but I was pretty thrilled when he held my hand and kissed me in front of my friend. He asked me when my surgery would be and when I told him, he told me he would call me Monday afternoon to find out how it went. He said "I'm glad you're getting that taken care of. I know you've been worried about it..."

And he's right. I had been worried. And while I put up this total ass-kicking front for nearly everybody, this was one person with whom I'd been really honest about it. I WAS scared.

So, I loved that he understood that and made me feel like it was important to him to know about it.

And then he kissed me and said "goodnight, sweetheart..."

Nobody has called me by an endearment in a very long time... (No, flutiefan, "gargoyle" doesn't count. lmao)

And I giggled about it for many hours that night with CF... And woke up really happy about it...

And even after Sunday night's shenanigans, I was still thinking about him. Realizing that even though, yes, I AM interested in other men, spending time with other men, this is the guy that is my first choice right now. When I am considering going somewhere, he's the one that comes to mind first when I'm considering who to take...

And then Monday rolled around... I hadn't slept well the night before, and when I called to talk to my son to help me find my center, I ended up finding all kinds of frustrations, thanks to my ex.

Ugh. He picked the wrong day to pull that crap.

I ended up putting out the fires and was in a good place when TF came to get me. I told her my secret and instead of giving me shit, she just smiled, shook her head and said she wasn't surprised or mad...

Phew!

And then we went for my surgery... And she teased me about what a dork I am... And then I went in...

And the doctor was awesome... He chose a less invasive procedure because of where the cancer was, and gave me an extra shot of novacaine to make sure I was numb. He scraped away for a few minutes and then cauterized it with this machine that makes a sound like a bug-zapper and the scent of burnt skin wafted into my nostrils... Nothing would taste right for the rest of the day.

Forty-five minutes after walking into the office, I was on my way... Cancer-free.

Breathing a sigh of relief, TF and I went to a movie (Julie and Julia), and then out for lunch, cocktails, and dessert. Hey, we were celebrating!!!

I walked out of the movie with several voicemails and texts on my phone... I was overwhelmed by the Light and Love that was coming my way!! SO MANY people let me know that they were rooting for me... I was beyond touched...

And I tried really hard to focus on that when I realized that the guy hadn't called. Like he'd said he would.

TF reminded me that it was still afternoon, and he had time.

By 5:30, I sent him a text telling him I was cancer-free and to have a nice evening.

An hour later, I was comfortably ensconced in a bar downtown, celebrating flutiefan's visit (and the absence of cancer!), telling her about how I was bummed I hadn't heard from him...

And only because he'd told me he would. I hadn't asked him to. We'd already made plans for later in the week. If I didn't hear from him on the day of the surgery, I knew I'd see him a few days later, and we'd talk about it then.

He's a different kind of communicator than I am... He's not a texter. He's not even a phone-guy. He'll talk on the phone just long enough to make a plan for face-to-face time. And while that is strange to me, I find it somewhat refreshing... And something that I can totally deal with.

Shocking, I know.

But when he didn't call.... My feelings were hurt. I admit it.

Of course, moments after telling flutiefan, my phone rang. And it was him. And, no, I didn't take his call. I thought I'd call him when I got home that night. Maybe around 9:30 or so.

Of course, I didn't end up getting home until 12:30.

After a wonderful night with friends and strangers... Strange men flirting with me, and friends of friends coming to my rescue... I felt comfortable and alive...

I did speak to him this morning. And he apologized a dozen times for not having called when he'd said he would. He had a fairly legitimate excuse, and finally I told him to stop apologizing. I actually really appreciate that he did apologize. But I want to get over it. And I am over it.

But it gave me pause...

Do I really want to date a guy who says he'll call on the day I have surgery and doesn't?

Because I was married to a guy who let me go to surgeries by myself.

Granted, this is very new. And we're not in a committed relationship. But I had been open to that. And then I felt like maybe I wasn't.

CF already knew that I'd realized this guy matters. That was my big ClaRiTy revelation on Saturday night.

And TF and NOF (and E!) all told me to stop saying I'm going to break things off with him when I see him. That I should take a deep breath, tell him that he matters, and tell him that if he's really got all this stuff to work through, that he should probably take some time to work through it.

Maybe I'll still be available when he's ready, and perhaps we can try then.

But I can sense that he probably shouldn't wait too long... Because wonderful people are walking into my world every day... And I'm not saying that I'm going to find someone else right away.

But I AM open to it.

I keep saying everything happens for a reason. And so does he. But it feels like he's focusing on the bad stuff, and that's so not me.

Whoa.

I typed that last part and paused for several moments.

Because I realized it's finally true.

I understand it's a process and everybody goes at their own pace...

But I'm there. And I like it.

So, whatever happens next, I will say what needs to be said... And my heart and my mind will be open to whatever comes from that...

Of course, with that in my head, I spent a couple of hours with the ex this evening. The kidlet did his sport-thing, which left us with 90 minutes to chat, and then we all went to dinner... Our usual Tuesday routine.

I've been pretty quiet the last couple of Tuesdays... Now that I'm dating, I've found it more and more difficult to talk to my ex. Even though he's proven over and over again that we're done, I had still held out some hope until a few weeks ago. Moving on is one thing. Telling him about it is another thing, entirely.

But something clicked last week, and I was fairly certain something had changed with him.

Tonight, I asked him about it.

And, apparently, he's been on a date, too!!! Supposedly, he probably won't go out with her again. I'm the curious gal who asked for details, which he kept from me.

It was almost a relief when he asked if I was dating. Because then I was able to tell him. He doesn't ask as many questions as I do, which is fine.

But then we started teasing each other and joking... I about fell off my seat when he asked if I was seeing the cable guy. Because I am so NOT seeing the cable guy!!!

And while he insisted it was weird that we were talking about this stuff, I think it's just how we roll... And we'll go with that...

The only time I got upset during the conversation was when he insisted he'd offered to take me to my surgery.... Because he SO hadn't offered that. Grrr. Oy, with the re-writing history!!! Ultimately, I found it funny... Especially when he realized he'd had this whole imaginary conversation in his head. Which had culminated, apparently, with him ACTUALLY bringing me to my surgery!!

Yes, twisted senses of humor.

Hey, it's what keeps me sane.

Ish.

Haha.

But in these moments, when I am slightly nauseous at the idea of the conversation I'm going to have soon, I am secure in the knowledge that I will be able to say what I mean. And while I can't control how he takes it, I can control my own reaction to the situation.

The blinders are off. I know what I want and what I deserve. While I may be terrified, once again, I'll pull up the BGPs and face my fears...

And if this guy isn't on the same page, that's okay. Because, again, I'm pretty happy with where I am.... I have so many girlfriends who are amazing and wonderful... Both men and women seem to be attracted to my energy these days... And I'm just truly enjoying every moment.

So, no matter what happens, I know that all is well... And all will be well...

Ass-Kicking Eve...

Finally.

Surgery tomorrow. TF is coming with me. Not that I really had a choice. She sent me an email telling me that she is coming and that I have to just deal with it.

Apparently, even though I totally kick ass, I don't HAVE to do it by myself all the time.

Just as long as we all know I COULD.

;)

I found out that there are actually maybe more than just two people reading this thing. There might even be, like, FIVE of you. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you, in particular, to the one who said she cried over the last post... Because we ended up bonding even further over it. And thank you to the one who's been reading it and not holding the TMI against me... And thank you to the one who told me I'm a good writer. And, yes. I do have a kid. And yes, I do have cancer. But by this time tomorrow, I won't.

:D

So, I went home again for a few days last week. And it was wonderful and amazing. Interesting twists and turns all around. And most of it was really fun, actually.

There were a few rough moments...

Like when one of the former friends from last summer showed up at the restaurant fundraiser where I was... And she totally sat with her back to me. And while I had thought I'd gone commando, apparently, I had brought the BGPs because I pulled those damn things up, walked over to her, hugged her, told her I was happy to see her and inquired about her daughter.

Moments later, the kidlet would ask me how come he never gets to play with her daughter anymore. Yeah, that one ripped open the old wound. I was so grateful later when someone said "Wow, that was really shitty for it to spread to the kids. It's so sad when people can't be adults about this..."

Of course, I even invited her out with me and a few other moms the following evening so that the kids could play.

She didn't show.

And while I was proud of myself for being the bigger person (Again... Jeez.), there were moments later when I was tired and asked myself why she looked so uncomfortable... Because she knew she fucked up last year and is too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it because she's afraid that she killed my loyalty and I would possibly tell her secrets? (I haven't. Ever.) Or is it because she is actually so filled with negativity that it was more a "Ew. I can't believe she hugged me. Bitch."???

I don't know.

I tried not to go down THAT road...

I actually pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad and made a list... I listed the people who went out of their way to make time to see me during my brief visit. On the other side, I listed the people who, apparently, still have a bit of power to hurt my feelings, but that they shouldn't really matter. The list of people who actually do matter was far longer than the other side. And it helped for me to see it in print.

JWG said "It's important as an adult to have people around who knew you as a kid..." I am so blessed that she is one of those people... As well as so many others whose company I enjoyed during this particular visit...

And then...

As I left town, I picked up CF and brought her back home with me... And during those 24 hours, something shifted in me.

There was this moment of ClaRiTy over dinner where I sat there, choking on my words, tears in my eyes, when I admitted the truth about this Patience thing. Whoa. And it was absolutely lovely to be so secure in the knowledge that I was in a safe place... And although the realization was somewhat terrifying, it actually felt... Right.

Weird.

And over white-trash margaritas into the wee hours of the morning, we talked and laughed and shared far more secrets...

And exactly 24 hours after I'd picked her up, I put her on a train for home... And I was sad. Because I don't know when I'll see her again.

Luckily, I had something to anticipate...

Which was a lovely Sunday evening in the park... With a craptastic band... Which actually made the experience even better...

And I felt the Light and the Love from these dear friends of mine... People who are rooting for me... People who gave me beer. Which I don't ordinarily drink. And I love how IP heard about it and called me out on it. Because she knows me that well.

And now I'm home... In a place of my own... And I'm alone, but not at all lonely...

Because tomorrow will be a day of loveliness with TF... (With a slight detour into the "operating room"... LOL) And then catching up with flutiefan... And the next day will be lovely as well... And so will the day after that...

Huh. Still so much to anticipate...

And while I got some not-so-great news on the job front (presently 30 openings left... I'm number 32 on the list), that news could change in a few days as well...

And when I get my job back, here's a partial list of what I will do to celebrate:

(in no particular order)

• Brazilian
• chiropractor
• some kind of storage unit to organize the kidlet's stuff
• manicure (pedicures are not luxuries, they are necessities. I haven't had a manicure since the layoff)
• schedule travel for ultramarathon
• artwork for dining area

No, I won't do it all at once. But those are a few things that I've been putting off... Again. Patience.

I'm learning it.

And it's not quite as difficult as it used to be... Because while I've totally gotten the messages about how everything happens for a reason, and that it's not all about me, I'm learning, too, that sometimes things are sweeter when you've waited for them... And that it can often be far more worth the wait than you could have ever expected...

And now as the clock strikes midnight, I will sign off... Find my quiet place... And rest...

Because tomorrow, I get to call myself a survivor.

Sweetest dreams, all.