Thanks for the Clarity.

Damn, a lot has happened in the last year.

A year ago, I was a scared single mama. Taking the kidlet on a road trip, just the two of us. We made amazing memories during that long weekend. I agonized over whether to contact Leon, and remember how I decided to just do it. Hell, I'd just stood on the edge of a canyon with no railing. I could text a man I cared about to let him know I was thinking about him. I wished him well and he responded.

And I came home a different person. Braver. I remember racing home to see CF, who called me out on stuff, and got me out of my comfort zone. What we decided that night did not end up happening. But not because I wasn't brave enough. Because he wasn't.

And less than five months later, the kidlet and I flew to another state where I navigated a wonderful trip for him. On my own. And I wasn't scared and it was amazing. And a few months after that, I did it again.

I've got this.

I had avoided watching Private Practice for the last three weeks. I didn't think I could handle watching the Charlotte/rape storyline.

But yesterday, I went to therapy. And we talked about the assault. And we talked about how scared I've been. And we talked about how I need to remember not to let my anger at LI get pushed off onto the husband or to Eric. And how I should be responsive, not reactive. It's a little easier said than done. Because I can't control how other people act.

But last night, I decided to go ahead and watch the episodes I had been avoiding.

And, sure, it was awful. And, yeah, I looked away during the brutal scenes.

But what really struck me was how they focused on the reactions of those closest to her. And how they navigated the minefield of emotion around her.

And I found myself realizing that maybe... Just maybe... Eric isn't quite the asshole I think he is.

That maybe he simply did not know how to deal with what happened. And the flipping out I did freaked him out. So, he ran away instead of facing it head-on.

Am I excusing his whole "it's okay for me to cheat on my girlfriend and make you feel insignificant" act? No.

But maybe he was grieving too. Because if he ever did love me (and I really would like to think that he did at one time. I spent a significant period of time with the man) maybe it was really hard for him to deal with what had happened. Then again, maybe he didn't really realize what happened. I did downplay it quite a bit that night.

But last night, watching that show... I sat on this couch, beneath the red blanket, and I shivered. Just like I did that night. With Eric on the other end of the couch. He had to have known that something inside of me had shifted.

But for whatever tough act I'd put up that night, Eric was the one who knew me best. He was the one who pointed out the vulnerability inside of me. And he was the one who had sworn never to hurt me.

And then there's the husband. Maybe the reason why he wouldn't hold my hand the other night after dinner or when we went to coffee is that he's scared. He actually does know what happened. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves a little bit of grace because maybe, just maybe, he's scared to touch me because he's scared of scaring me the way he does know that I was scared that night.

And the girls who know and have not contacted me since? Maybe I can offer them some grace now, too. Because they don't know how much it hurts to share something so awful and then have them disappear. And they don't know that Eric did the same thing to me, so that makes their disappearance hurt that much more.

For whatever reason, people are who they are. And they don't get the answers when they don't ask the questions. And I can learn to be okay with that... Eventually.

Two years ago, TF and CB included me with their family. And I remember checking my phone for some kind of acknowledgement that HRT was thinking of me. (I really need to stop having major breakups in November! (Yes, even the husband and I broke up over Thanksgiving. Three years ago. LOL)

But this morning, I did that silly note about books on fb. And some of those titles were highlighted, thanks to people who are no longer in my world.

So, I sent a little Light and Love their way, and I'm moving on.

I'll get through this day. Even though I know where I'm not wanted. I'm grateful to know that I was wanted in many other places today.

And I'm going to forgive those who didn't want me today. Because they know not what they do. They're not wired that way.

And, hell, I'm even going to forgive the ones who didn't want me today that DO know what they do. Because I want to be THAT girl.

I'm going to be good to ME today.

And I'm so fucking grateful for the Thanksgivings past that brought me to where I am today. I DO have a lot to be thankful for, even if it doesn't look like it from the outside.

Scars heal. And they DO fade. I'm walking proof of that.

I have a wonderful child who loves me and I had an amazing day with him yesterday. And when I do see him again, I'll be so glad.

I have a plan for today.

I have my BGPs. I have technology. I have an awesome job. I have amazing friends. I am loved. Maybe not by one man who wants to love me and be with me, but I am surrounded by love. I do know this.

And I'm finally learning to be alone. And it doesn't totally suck. It's got its perks, too.

Happiest of Thanksgivings to you, the few who bother to read this drivel. Live and Breathe Gratitude.

Hungry.

Last night, I got out of my comfort zone...

I'd gotten a text from a friend whom I've never really gotten to hang out with. She invited me to the Improv and how many tickets did I want? I signed up for two, and NOF was the pal who got to go with me... Since she and I met at the Improv not too many moons ago, it was like we would be celebrating some kind of anniversary.

So, yesterday, I went on a date with the guy (Okay, I'll call him Leon. Not his real name, but I am sick of calling him "the guy", because he may well end up not being "the guy". ::shrug::).

He came over and we sat on my couch and talked for quite awhile before going to eat... He could tell something was on my mind and asked me to tell him. So, I did. I said the things I needed to say, and he really heard me. Where we'll go from here remains to be seen, but at least I know that I'm being true to myself. And that felt good. And we still went out and had a great meal with good conversation... I'm really comfortable with him, and that's a good place to be.

After he left, I got a text from the aforementioned friend letting me know that she was going to be early and if I wanted to come meet her at a nearby bar, I should.

So, I did.

Even though I knew NOF wouldn't be there until the show, I pulled up the BGPs and went. She was there with a few of her friends, already, and the seat made available to me was in between two strangers... And, yet, I still managed to have conversations and get to know new people. It was frightening, yet exhilarating...

And then we all went to the show... NOF and I shared our favorite shot, and she said we were toasting my cancer-free state... I love celebrating that... The show was more great than not, and I had a great time...

And then it was time to go home... Exhausted, we pretty much left right after the show, and as I was driving home, I started to realize that something is different... Perhaps it was the cocktails I'd had, or just that it's been more than six months, or that Leon and I had kind of established that eventually we will probably share an evening in the not-so-distant future, but I found myself feeling damned horny.

The thought crossed my mind to call Leon and ask him to meet me at my place. (Hell, I'd shaved my legs and everything, but ended up wearing jeans when I was with him... Although, I did wear a cute dress out that evening!)

I called NOF and told her to tell me not to call him. Which she did. And then told me that she'd only told me because I'd told her to!

I didn't call. For a thousand reasons.

If I really needed to get off, I do have a vibrator... Which I didn't end up using. I guess I really was too tired... Or I'm actually getting sick of the substitute. It's been a really long time, and I think I'm actually ready to have some sex. At least physically, anyway. And I think I might finally be in a place where I can handle it, emotionally, as well.

So, there it is.

Of course, today was the first day I didn't need to cover my scar. Thank goodness. My poor skin is red and raw next to my scar(s)...

My gramma suggested that perhaps I've developed an allergy to latex???

Fuck.

So then I became the girl who said to her gramma, "Well, I should probably figure that out before I end up putting anything latex in certain sensitive places..."

Shit. I really don't want to discover the answer to *that* question by default.

Luckily, I am reminded that timing is everything... Maybe I'm not actually ready for sex.

Summer is winding down... And this evening I found out that it really is winding down. I go back to work soon. The location of this work will probably be known about two days before I have to report back. But, yes, I will have a job. Something else to celebrate...

And I got to be with my son tonight, even though he was scheduled to be with his dad. And THAT is the most beautiful thing of all...

All is well... And all will be well...

First of all, for those of you who care, I am now cancer-free.

And that kicks ass.

:D

For those of you who were wondering about the dating stuff, well... Here goes:

I saw the guy again. It was a rather brief interlude, but I was pretty thrilled when he held my hand and kissed me in front of my friend. He asked me when my surgery would be and when I told him, he told me he would call me Monday afternoon to find out how it went. He said "I'm glad you're getting that taken care of. I know you've been worried about it..."

And he's right. I had been worried. And while I put up this total ass-kicking front for nearly everybody, this was one person with whom I'd been really honest about it. I WAS scared.

So, I loved that he understood that and made me feel like it was important to him to know about it.

And then he kissed me and said "goodnight, sweetheart..."

Nobody has called me by an endearment in a very long time... (No, flutiefan, "gargoyle" doesn't count. lmao)

And I giggled about it for many hours that night with CF... And woke up really happy about it...

And even after Sunday night's shenanigans, I was still thinking about him. Realizing that even though, yes, I AM interested in other men, spending time with other men, this is the guy that is my first choice right now. When I am considering going somewhere, he's the one that comes to mind first when I'm considering who to take...

And then Monday rolled around... I hadn't slept well the night before, and when I called to talk to my son to help me find my center, I ended up finding all kinds of frustrations, thanks to my ex.

Ugh. He picked the wrong day to pull that crap.

I ended up putting out the fires and was in a good place when TF came to get me. I told her my secret and instead of giving me shit, she just smiled, shook her head and said she wasn't surprised or mad...

Phew!

And then we went for my surgery... And she teased me about what a dork I am... And then I went in...

And the doctor was awesome... He chose a less invasive procedure because of where the cancer was, and gave me an extra shot of novacaine to make sure I was numb. He scraped away for a few minutes and then cauterized it with this machine that makes a sound like a bug-zapper and the scent of burnt skin wafted into my nostrils... Nothing would taste right for the rest of the day.

Forty-five minutes after walking into the office, I was on my way... Cancer-free.

Breathing a sigh of relief, TF and I went to a movie (Julie and Julia), and then out for lunch, cocktails, and dessert. Hey, we were celebrating!!!

I walked out of the movie with several voicemails and texts on my phone... I was overwhelmed by the Light and Love that was coming my way!! SO MANY people let me know that they were rooting for me... I was beyond touched...

And I tried really hard to focus on that when I realized that the guy hadn't called. Like he'd said he would.

TF reminded me that it was still afternoon, and he had time.

By 5:30, I sent him a text telling him I was cancer-free and to have a nice evening.

An hour later, I was comfortably ensconced in a bar downtown, celebrating flutiefan's visit (and the absence of cancer!), telling her about how I was bummed I hadn't heard from him...

And only because he'd told me he would. I hadn't asked him to. We'd already made plans for later in the week. If I didn't hear from him on the day of the surgery, I knew I'd see him a few days later, and we'd talk about it then.

He's a different kind of communicator than I am... He's not a texter. He's not even a phone-guy. He'll talk on the phone just long enough to make a plan for face-to-face time. And while that is strange to me, I find it somewhat refreshing... And something that I can totally deal with.

Shocking, I know.

But when he didn't call.... My feelings were hurt. I admit it.

Of course, moments after telling flutiefan, my phone rang. And it was him. And, no, I didn't take his call. I thought I'd call him when I got home that night. Maybe around 9:30 or so.

Of course, I didn't end up getting home until 12:30.

After a wonderful night with friends and strangers... Strange men flirting with me, and friends of friends coming to my rescue... I felt comfortable and alive...

I did speak to him this morning. And he apologized a dozen times for not having called when he'd said he would. He had a fairly legitimate excuse, and finally I told him to stop apologizing. I actually really appreciate that he did apologize. But I want to get over it. And I am over it.

But it gave me pause...

Do I really want to date a guy who says he'll call on the day I have surgery and doesn't?

Because I was married to a guy who let me go to surgeries by myself.

Granted, this is very new. And we're not in a committed relationship. But I had been open to that. And then I felt like maybe I wasn't.

CF already knew that I'd realized this guy matters. That was my big ClaRiTy revelation on Saturday night.

And TF and NOF (and E!) all told me to stop saying I'm going to break things off with him when I see him. That I should take a deep breath, tell him that he matters, and tell him that if he's really got all this stuff to work through, that he should probably take some time to work through it.

Maybe I'll still be available when he's ready, and perhaps we can try then.

But I can sense that he probably shouldn't wait too long... Because wonderful people are walking into my world every day... And I'm not saying that I'm going to find someone else right away.

But I AM open to it.

I keep saying everything happens for a reason. And so does he. But it feels like he's focusing on the bad stuff, and that's so not me.

Whoa.

I typed that last part and paused for several moments.

Because I realized it's finally true.

I understand it's a process and everybody goes at their own pace...

But I'm there. And I like it.

So, whatever happens next, I will say what needs to be said... And my heart and my mind will be open to whatever comes from that...

Of course, with that in my head, I spent a couple of hours with the ex this evening. The kidlet did his sport-thing, which left us with 90 minutes to chat, and then we all went to dinner... Our usual Tuesday routine.

I've been pretty quiet the last couple of Tuesdays... Now that I'm dating, I've found it more and more difficult to talk to my ex. Even though he's proven over and over again that we're done, I had still held out some hope until a few weeks ago. Moving on is one thing. Telling him about it is another thing, entirely.

But something clicked last week, and I was fairly certain something had changed with him.

Tonight, I asked him about it.

And, apparently, he's been on a date, too!!! Supposedly, he probably won't go out with her again. I'm the curious gal who asked for details, which he kept from me.

It was almost a relief when he asked if I was dating. Because then I was able to tell him. He doesn't ask as many questions as I do, which is fine.

But then we started teasing each other and joking... I about fell off my seat when he asked if I was seeing the cable guy. Because I am so NOT seeing the cable guy!!!

And while he insisted it was weird that we were talking about this stuff, I think it's just how we roll... And we'll go with that...

The only time I got upset during the conversation was when he insisted he'd offered to take me to my surgery.... Because he SO hadn't offered that. Grrr. Oy, with the re-writing history!!! Ultimately, I found it funny... Especially when he realized he'd had this whole imaginary conversation in his head. Which had culminated, apparently, with him ACTUALLY bringing me to my surgery!!

Yes, twisted senses of humor.

Hey, it's what keeps me sane.

Ish.

Haha.

But in these moments, when I am slightly nauseous at the idea of the conversation I'm going to have soon, I am secure in the knowledge that I will be able to say what I mean. And while I can't control how he takes it, I can control my own reaction to the situation.

The blinders are off. I know what I want and what I deserve. While I may be terrified, once again, I'll pull up the BGPs and face my fears...

And if this guy isn't on the same page, that's okay. Because, again, I'm pretty happy with where I am.... I have so many girlfriends who are amazing and wonderful... Both men and women seem to be attracted to my energy these days... And I'm just truly enjoying every moment.

So, no matter what happens, I know that all is well... And all will be well...

Ass-Kicking Eve...

Finally.

Surgery tomorrow. TF is coming with me. Not that I really had a choice. She sent me an email telling me that she is coming and that I have to just deal with it.

Apparently, even though I totally kick ass, I don't HAVE to do it by myself all the time.

Just as long as we all know I COULD.

;)

I found out that there are actually maybe more than just two people reading this thing. There might even be, like, FIVE of you. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you, in particular, to the one who said she cried over the last post... Because we ended up bonding even further over it. And thank you to the one who's been reading it and not holding the TMI against me... And thank you to the one who told me I'm a good writer. And, yes. I do have a kid. And yes, I do have cancer. But by this time tomorrow, I won't.

:D

So, I went home again for a few days last week. And it was wonderful and amazing. Interesting twists and turns all around. And most of it was really fun, actually.

There were a few rough moments...

Like when one of the former friends from last summer showed up at the restaurant fundraiser where I was... And she totally sat with her back to me. And while I had thought I'd gone commando, apparently, I had brought the BGPs because I pulled those damn things up, walked over to her, hugged her, told her I was happy to see her and inquired about her daughter.

Moments later, the kidlet would ask me how come he never gets to play with her daughter anymore. Yeah, that one ripped open the old wound. I was so grateful later when someone said "Wow, that was really shitty for it to spread to the kids. It's so sad when people can't be adults about this..."

Of course, I even invited her out with me and a few other moms the following evening so that the kids could play.

She didn't show.

And while I was proud of myself for being the bigger person (Again... Jeez.), there were moments later when I was tired and asked myself why she looked so uncomfortable... Because she knew she fucked up last year and is too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it because she's afraid that she killed my loyalty and I would possibly tell her secrets? (I haven't. Ever.) Or is it because she is actually so filled with negativity that it was more a "Ew. I can't believe she hugged me. Bitch."???

I don't know.

I tried not to go down THAT road...

I actually pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad and made a list... I listed the people who went out of their way to make time to see me during my brief visit. On the other side, I listed the people who, apparently, still have a bit of power to hurt my feelings, but that they shouldn't really matter. The list of people who actually do matter was far longer than the other side. And it helped for me to see it in print.

JWG said "It's important as an adult to have people around who knew you as a kid..." I am so blessed that she is one of those people... As well as so many others whose company I enjoyed during this particular visit...

And then...

As I left town, I picked up CF and brought her back home with me... And during those 24 hours, something shifted in me.

There was this moment of ClaRiTy over dinner where I sat there, choking on my words, tears in my eyes, when I admitted the truth about this Patience thing. Whoa. And it was absolutely lovely to be so secure in the knowledge that I was in a safe place... And although the realization was somewhat terrifying, it actually felt... Right.

Weird.

And over white-trash margaritas into the wee hours of the morning, we talked and laughed and shared far more secrets...

And exactly 24 hours after I'd picked her up, I put her on a train for home... And I was sad. Because I don't know when I'll see her again.

Luckily, I had something to anticipate...

Which was a lovely Sunday evening in the park... With a craptastic band... Which actually made the experience even better...

And I felt the Light and the Love from these dear friends of mine... People who are rooting for me... People who gave me beer. Which I don't ordinarily drink. And I love how IP heard about it and called me out on it. Because she knows me that well.

And now I'm home... In a place of my own... And I'm alone, but not at all lonely...

Because tomorrow will be a day of loveliness with TF... (With a slight detour into the "operating room"... LOL) And then catching up with flutiefan... And the next day will be lovely as well... And so will the day after that...

Huh. Still so much to anticipate...

And while I got some not-so-great news on the job front (presently 30 openings left... I'm number 32 on the list), that news could change in a few days as well...

And when I get my job back, here's a partial list of what I will do to celebrate:

(in no particular order)

• Brazilian
• chiropractor
• some kind of storage unit to organize the kidlet's stuff
• manicure (pedicures are not luxuries, they are necessities. I haven't had a manicure since the layoff)
• schedule travel for ultramarathon
• artwork for dining area

No, I won't do it all at once. But those are a few things that I've been putting off... Again. Patience.

I'm learning it.

And it's not quite as difficult as it used to be... Because while I've totally gotten the messages about how everything happens for a reason, and that it's not all about me, I'm learning, too, that sometimes things are sweeter when you've waited for them... And that it can often be far more worth the wait than you could have ever expected...

And now as the clock strikes midnight, I will sign off... Find my quiet place... And rest...

Because tomorrow, I get to call myself a survivor.

Sweetest dreams, all.