Timing is Everything.

A few weeks ago, I'd made plans to meet a couple of the good girls for dinner. We had kept it on the DL because one of them was in town for a few weeks and didn't have time to see everyone. I decided to meet them and then stay at my gramma's for a night before heading to the spa and a little getaway.

I'd planned the getaway a few weeks earlier. Eric was going to be out of town and the Ex and the kidlet were supposed to take a trip during that time. They would be back in time for my niece's birthday party and I wasn't going to be invited, of course.

After the whole new year's debacle and then the experience with the sheriff, I knew that getting the hell out of dodge would be the best for everybody. Most importantly, it would be the best for me.

Of course, the Ex didn't end up taking the kidlet on the trip he'd planned. And there I was, with a pre-paid hotel room. I was going away, anyway.

As I was finishing up my packing, I got a text, asking me if I was going to be getting together with the mean girls that night. Ironically, a couple of them were in town and there was a mini-reunion happening that night. A mini-reunion that the good girls would have known about. And I was so grateful that I already had plans. And while I would have enjoyed seeing a couple of the people who would be at that reunion, I was extremely grateful to be planning a low-key evening with people that would keep it drama-free.

I had the thought-process that perhaps my name would come up at that mini-reunion. And I thought that it would be really sad if these women who hadn't seen each other in a year had nothing more interesting going on in their lives than to talk about me. I haven't asked what happened that night, and I'm pleased with myself about that. I'm pretty beyond that whole crowd.

And the three of us just had a wonderful time. Jenn kept telling me that the Ex still loves me. And while I didn't like hearing it, I knew that I needed to. And we talked about how we do actually judge people, but that a real friend loves you anyway.

I'd been reflecting upon a question that Eric asked me not too long ago... "Retromama, do you have a lot of girlfriends with whom you've had "breakups"?"

And I was somewhat embarrassed to admit that, yes, I have had very close friendships that have ended in some kind of a breakup. Of course, Eric had witnessed the Ari thing. And I found myself contemplating the mean girls and their reasons for being so cruel to me. And it came down to how they had judged me for behaviors that were none of their business. And they decided they no longer loved me because of something I had done that had nothing to do with them. And I really wondered if I had ever done that in any of my past breakups with friends.

And I realized that when I broke up with girlfriends in the past, it wasn't because they had made a choice for themselves with which I didn't agree. It was more because of WHO they were. As in, their aura. Their energies.

Sure, Ari and I broke up because of her betrayal, but she and I were on the outs long before us. She was a person that I couldn't count on or even trust. Hence, the ultimate breakup.

With Rae? Who had been my closest friend when the Ex and I had first gotten married? Sure, she was making decisions about her own life that I didn't agree with. But the breakup came only when those decisions actually affected me and my family. I couldn't keep her negativity around me and my family.

The crap that I pulled that caused the mean girls to break up with me? Shit, they should be grateful for that stuff. Because if I hadn't been running around keeping a few secrets from them, I wouldn't have even been around for all of the amazing experiences we shared. At the end of the day, I was a better friend to them than I would have been during that time.

Which gets me back to my grateful place about the soulmate. I didn't run into him when I was in his town. And I was glad. But I know now that I could have. And I would have been okay. And I reflected upon all of the experiences I had during the time that he was in my world. Not experiences I had with him, but on my own because he encouraged me to get out.

And then there I was, all alone in a hotel room for two days. And I spent an entire glorious day reading... It was lovely. The book was split into chapters that had dates as titles.

And when I got to the date that was my wedding anniversary, I kind of came undone. I was shocked to realize I was crying. And for about thirty seconds, I did the whole, "it was supposed to be forever. Why doesn't he love me?"

Last week, I asked the Ex if he was upset I am planning a trip to Europe with Eric. He said he was happy for me. While pretending to cry. He did say that he was glad for me, though, because he had heard me say a lot that I want to go to Europe.

And it was in that hotel room that I heard Jenn's words in my head, "He still loves you."

And for years, I've been telling myself that he simply doesn't love me ENOUGH.

But then there was that moment of clarity. When I realized that he does absolutely love me. And he loves me enough to let me go. Because he knows what I truly want and what I deserve. And he knows that he cannot give it to me. So, he lets me go and encourages me to live my life. And if someone else will provide for me what he cannot, he's happy for me on some level.

Whoa.

I also came to realize that I'm really happy with where Eric and I are. I don't think I'll ever be married again. And right now, Eric's okay with that. And that makes me glad. I'm truly looking forward to the things we have planned together.

Although, I was somewhat uncomfortable when he told me that he's looking forward to meeting my gramma. Because I still haven't met anybody in his world. Well, except for his sons. But, whatever. My gramma said that it sounds like Eric is more of a match for me than my Ex is.

And then I went shopping, and got into a conversation with the sales gal and called him my boyfriend.

WTF.

But at the end of the day, that's probably what he is. I just can't handle the label. And hopefully he'll continue to be okay with that.

And then I got to hang out with TF and her whole family as I came back to reality last night. And CB said something about it being dangerous for me to be alone with my thoughts for two days.

But, it's not really, anymore. I was really okay. My self-talk is far more positive than it used to be. I'm pretty happy these days.

So, even though it's summer, and there are anniversaries hitting me right and left, I'm actually okay with taking time to reflect and move through it. And I'm moving through it much quicker these days. I'm not the drama-girl that I was three years ago. And I'm not getting drawn into that anymore either. Not being a part of whatever went down last week was a beautiful place for me to be.

IP said to me not too long ago, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

And I've really thought about that as well. And I decided that I absolutely can. Because I'm doing it. And I'll continue to do so.

Yin and Yang and Shit.

Well, that was an entertaining weekend.

I got to hang out in my hometown, celebrating Thanksgiving early with my family. A good friend joined us and it was all good.

Of course, I had to stop in my gramma's town first. And we went to Target. Where I ran into an old friend. A FB friend. But one I hadn't seen in years. We made plans to hang out the following day, which was exciting.

And then as I was about to check out, I get a text from a good friend halfway across the country. Fucking StalkerChick is at it again. In a big way. Ugh. But I pretty much just laughed it off. I found it entertaining.

And then the big dinner and such... And an email from a new guy... Which was intriguing...

And then it was Sunday... And I'm texting the new guy (Shall we call him Roger?) all day long... And meeting up with old friends in a favorite hangout... Oh, and seeing my ex-fiance.

Wait. What? Yeah.

Good ol' SB.

Holy fuck.

I see a friend who actually just happened to be there, didn't intend to meet up with us. And I walked over to say hello to him and I see SB sitting about 8 feet away. I turn my back and ask, "Um, is that who I think it is?" Another friend approached, who confirmed that yes, it was SB. "Oh, do you know him?"

Ha. "Um, I was engaged to him!" (Ish. But that's not the issue. There was a ring. He put it on my finger when I moved away to keep me. Ugh. Anyway.)

So, the first friend made the executive decision that we would sit where I wouldn't have to look at SB.

And an hour later when I decided to just go say hi to him, my friends stopped me.

Everything happens for a reason. And enough things fell into place afterward that make that so clear to me. I wasn't meant to talk to him that day, for sure.

But it was funny. Because only in my sitcom life would something like that happen. I spent 12 years worrying about running into him. And only in the last three did I stop looking over my shoulder for him. And that's when I saw him. I was glad I looked adorable.

And then today.

The day I'd been waiting for since Thursday.

When my therapist had told me I needed to have a sitdown with Leon. Face-to-face. (Shut up, D. My blog. My story. And it was therapist-assigned.)

Apparently, I was supposed to tell him I love him.

Fuck.

I had notecards. Because this time I wasn't going to remember something afterward and kick myself for not saying it. And I certainly didn't want to get off-track and start babbling. Like I had when I'd gotten his voicemail.

He called me back and left a message (I didn't answer because I was on a date. I know.), agreeing to see me today.

So, we spoke Friday and made the arrangements.

Which made me so damned grateful for a fun-filled, entertaining weekend. Because it kept my mind off of things. Well, except when I told my dad about it on Saturday night. I was worried that I sounded so stupid. "Yeah, so I love this guy who I totally shouldn't be with, but it's making me crazy that he doesn't know. So, I'm going to tell him. And it won't change anything except that he'll know."

So, imagine my surprise when he told me he'd already known. Oh, and that he loves me too. But that even when two people love each other that doesn't necessarily mean they should be together. (Um, I already knew THAT part. Eesh.) And he was surprised I didn't know he loves me. Hadn't he told me before? (Um, no. He'd used the word but not in the middle of "I" and "you". The thing that sucks the most is that the reason he's giving me for not being with me is something so fucking ridiculous it makes me sick. So, here he is telling me that he loves me and so he can't be anything but my friend or all in. He respects me too much to date me casually. Which is fine. But I actually lost quite a bit of respect for him today. Because as much as he says he's growing up, I think it's really fucking immature to hold something against someone that happened long before we loved each other. Get the fuck over it.

So, when we hugged quickly and started to say goodbye, I was pretty certain it was over. Done. That's it. I'd told him that I expected nothing. I ask for nothing. Just that he knows. And he does know. I told him I would get over it. That I love him but that those feelings will go away. That I will love and I will be loved. By someone who wants to be with me. And I thought that was it.

So, I didn't quite understand what he meant when he said he was leaving with lots of thinking to do. Um, what's there to think about? You've already decided.

Whatever. I'm going back to my "let's not talk til after the new year, okay?" thing. Starting the moment that door closed behind him.

That's when I sat down and cried for about five minutes. Hard. And let my friends know that I was ready to go out and watch some MNF.

And Roger and I were texting back and forth and I told him where I was and did he want to join us?

And he did.

And it turns out, he's adorable. And a gentleman. And a really good guy. And one who's genuinely interested in me. And when I told him about how I want to shave my head, he asked me about the background story, and when I told him why I didn't do it back when I'd wanted to, he said, "But I think that would have been really cool!"

Later, IP gushed about him. I don't think IP has ever liked any guy for me. Even my husband. So it's kind of a big deal that she likes this one.

And yet it's a bigger deal that *I* like this one.

Damn, it's been a roller-coaster day.

Goodnight.

RetroMama Kicks Ass.

I am feeling particularly kickass today. Well, not at this moment. But I did earlier this afternoon.

And yesterday.

A year ago, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. And I was in a bad place. I was in a place where I was about to get dumped by a guy who turned out not to be worth it anyway. My friends confiscated my technology, and got me kleenex when I burst into tears over the butterfly. I was fragile. Raw. And it would get a lot worse before it got better.

But yesterday, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. It was in a different venue. And it never even occurred to me until we were driving down there to wonder if I'd get to see some of the same people as last year.

The guest list was slightly different. Mostly cb's friends from school and extra-curricular activities. The family friends I'd hoped to see weren't there. I hung out with TF's folks and such. And as I sat there with TF's mom and cb's agent, I noticed CB's hot Cuban friend talking to him. Lovely. He doesn't have a kid. Why is he here? I haven't talked to him since two days after that amazingly hot kiss we shared several weeks ago... Which was after a wonderful couple of hours of him sobering up over coffee... Sharing confidences. But it wasn't the start of anything. It was just a moment. When I kissed him BACK. Contrary to what he continues to insist. Ugh.

A few minutes later, he approached us, hugging TF's mom, hugging me, saying hello... I pointed out the kidlet and said, "That one's mine. He does exist!" (Hot Cuban Friend had never actually met the kidlet, apparently.) They said hello and he went off somewhere else, and I got back to my conversation...

Awhile later, I approached HCF and CB and CB opened with "Is this going to be awkward? Should I leave so you guys can kiss?"

I laughed and as HCF and I embraced, I said, "I only kiss.... BACK..." And we all laughed. Awkward moment averted. Ish. LOL.

After dropping off the kidlet at his dad's (where I regaled the Ex with stories about explaining to the kidlet (in answer to his questions) that when the sperm comes out of his penis, it probably feels even better than when he has an erection, to which he replied with reverence... "Whoa... Cool!"), I headed home for a snack before driving to the theater where my uncle was performing. I went by myself. Because I can do that. With no problem.

I got home late, did some grading and slept in this morning.

And woke up in a major snit. Perhaps it was because I'd left my window open and what woke me was my neighbors talking really loudly, but there were other things that were getting to me too. TF got me calmed down via text, and once I wrote out my List of Three, I felt a thousand times better.

And then my Pea called... And we actually got to have a conversation that was longer than 5 minutes. And I was back in the game.

I went and got my oil changed. And no man (meaning The Ex or my Dad) had told me it was time. I just did it. And then I tried to shop for jeans, which was a bust, but I did manage to get a couple of cute tops.

And then I went to a bar/restaurant. To watch football. By myself.

And I sat down at the bar and ordered a cider (got carded, too! Whee!!) and some food and watched the game. And had conversations with strangers. And did a couple of fist bumps with the guy sitting two stools away. And we yelled and cheered (and my team won... Phew!), and I had a really good time.

And I hadn't ever done that before. I'd talked to IP about that. She totally does that kind of stuff by herself. And I never have. But I totally did. And I had a great time. I even stayed after my game ended to watch the end of another game that the chick next to me was into. Because she was so cool. And we chatted a bit and I told her how proud of myself I was that I was there by myself and how grateful I was to sit next to such cool people. She looked at me in awe and said, "I don't think I could ever do that. Just go by myself. That's really brave." And it hit me... That I was really brave...

Who is this RetroMama? This chick who goes to plays by herself? Who gets her oil changed without being told? Who goes to bars to watch football loudly? Who holds her own and can answer questions about what's happening with her favorite team?

Whomever she is... I kinda dig her.

Ass-Kicking Eve...

Finally.

Surgery tomorrow. TF is coming with me. Not that I really had a choice. She sent me an email telling me that she is coming and that I have to just deal with it.

Apparently, even though I totally kick ass, I don't HAVE to do it by myself all the time.

Just as long as we all know I COULD.

;)

I found out that there are actually maybe more than just two people reading this thing. There might even be, like, FIVE of you. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you, in particular, to the one who said she cried over the last post... Because we ended up bonding even further over it. And thank you to the one who's been reading it and not holding the TMI against me... And thank you to the one who told me I'm a good writer. And, yes. I do have a kid. And yes, I do have cancer. But by this time tomorrow, I won't.

:D

So, I went home again for a few days last week. And it was wonderful and amazing. Interesting twists and turns all around. And most of it was really fun, actually.

There were a few rough moments...

Like when one of the former friends from last summer showed up at the restaurant fundraiser where I was... And she totally sat with her back to me. And while I had thought I'd gone commando, apparently, I had brought the BGPs because I pulled those damn things up, walked over to her, hugged her, told her I was happy to see her and inquired about her daughter.

Moments later, the kidlet would ask me how come he never gets to play with her daughter anymore. Yeah, that one ripped open the old wound. I was so grateful later when someone said "Wow, that was really shitty for it to spread to the kids. It's so sad when people can't be adults about this..."

Of course, I even invited her out with me and a few other moms the following evening so that the kids could play.

She didn't show.

And while I was proud of myself for being the bigger person (Again... Jeez.), there were moments later when I was tired and asked myself why she looked so uncomfortable... Because she knew she fucked up last year and is too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it because she's afraid that she killed my loyalty and I would possibly tell her secrets? (I haven't. Ever.) Or is it because she is actually so filled with negativity that it was more a "Ew. I can't believe she hugged me. Bitch."???

I don't know.

I tried not to go down THAT road...

I actually pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad and made a list... I listed the people who went out of their way to make time to see me during my brief visit. On the other side, I listed the people who, apparently, still have a bit of power to hurt my feelings, but that they shouldn't really matter. The list of people who actually do matter was far longer than the other side. And it helped for me to see it in print.

JWG said "It's important as an adult to have people around who knew you as a kid..." I am so blessed that she is one of those people... As well as so many others whose company I enjoyed during this particular visit...

And then...

As I left town, I picked up CF and brought her back home with me... And during those 24 hours, something shifted in me.

There was this moment of ClaRiTy over dinner where I sat there, choking on my words, tears in my eyes, when I admitted the truth about this Patience thing. Whoa. And it was absolutely lovely to be so secure in the knowledge that I was in a safe place... And although the realization was somewhat terrifying, it actually felt... Right.

Weird.

And over white-trash margaritas into the wee hours of the morning, we talked and laughed and shared far more secrets...

And exactly 24 hours after I'd picked her up, I put her on a train for home... And I was sad. Because I don't know when I'll see her again.

Luckily, I had something to anticipate...

Which was a lovely Sunday evening in the park... With a craptastic band... Which actually made the experience even better...

And I felt the Light and the Love from these dear friends of mine... People who are rooting for me... People who gave me beer. Which I don't ordinarily drink. And I love how IP heard about it and called me out on it. Because she knows me that well.

And now I'm home... In a place of my own... And I'm alone, but not at all lonely...

Because tomorrow will be a day of loveliness with TF... (With a slight detour into the "operating room"... LOL) And then catching up with flutiefan... And the next day will be lovely as well... And so will the day after that...

Huh. Still so much to anticipate...

And while I got some not-so-great news on the job front (presently 30 openings left... I'm number 32 on the list), that news could change in a few days as well...

And when I get my job back, here's a partial list of what I will do to celebrate:

(in no particular order)

• Brazilian
• chiropractor
• some kind of storage unit to organize the kidlet's stuff
• manicure (pedicures are not luxuries, they are necessities. I haven't had a manicure since the layoff)
• schedule travel for ultramarathon
• artwork for dining area

No, I won't do it all at once. But those are a few things that I've been putting off... Again. Patience.

I'm learning it.

And it's not quite as difficult as it used to be... Because while I've totally gotten the messages about how everything happens for a reason, and that it's not all about me, I'm learning, too, that sometimes things are sweeter when you've waited for them... And that it can often be far more worth the wait than you could have ever expected...

And now as the clock strikes midnight, I will sign off... Find my quiet place... And rest...

Because tomorrow, I get to call myself a survivor.

Sweetest dreams, all.

Okay, this one was a tailspin.

Okay, so the good thing about being all in tune with myself is that I know when I'm getting off-track and I do something about it.

Sunday wasn't a tizzy. It was a full-fledged tailspin... But I didn't want to go there.

So, I got a little quiet... Avoided the internets for a bit (damn internets. Checking on someone I care about showed me things I didn't need to see)...

Spent lots of time crying... Cupcake heeded my call. And calmed me enough to get through my Monday.

And I called my therapist. Who couldn't really fit me in, so I would just see him at the usual time on Thursday... I said, "Well, do you have a moment for me to ask you a quick question??" He listened as I mentioned three things... Mother's Day is fast-approaching. The last baby I lost was due last Mother's Day. And one other. He said, "Well, my quick answer is "yes, I will see you tomorrow at 7:30!""

Phew.

I did spend some time with M today and mentioned a few of the things that were bothering me... And he told me that perhaps I needed this reminder that not everybody places the same value upon a friendship. That, perhaps, a particular friend is more important to me than I am to her... And reminded me that when a relationship ends, one doesn't usually get to stay in touch with the other person's kids. Even when one person can be a grownup about it and not deny the kids.

After a wonderful dinner with him and with the kidlet, I was off to therapy... Where I used a half a box of kleenex... And he reminded me that I am a person who loves love. And that other people may be on a sort of cycle... That, yes, he or she may love me a lot at a certain time, but then they hit a place in their cycle where they don't love me so much... And maybe it's hormones or whatever, but during that down, they may deny that there were ever the ups when it came to me.

Huh.

Wait, so it's not always about me?

So, apparently, I have to be patient and shit. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

But at least it gives me some clarity. But it also brings me back to the crossroads I faced before... Can I accept that in someone? Or not.

So, there I was, thinking that while it had only been two days, not too many people had even seemed to realize I'd been offline... Did I really even matter?

And then I got IP's text. Telling me that they were still at dinner. She was drunk, and I was already in the parking lot, but she took the time to think of me and made me know I was wanted there. And that felt so good. So validating. I felt loved.

And Q... Who was on her third Cadillac... I was glad I was there because I would make sure she got home. And she listened. And didn't seem to notice my eyes that were glowing red and my nose, all puffy... And we talked about how there are people in my inner circle (and maybe even the 2nd or 3rd circle!) who would take a stand for me... And how I don't think it's wrong to expect that. Because I'm not hoping for something I wouldn't do for someone I love...

And I've proven that over and over... And I told Q about how I got that friend request on Facebook... From a guy who seemed to think that because it had been something like 14 years since we'd seen each other that we would catch up and be all buddy-buddy. Oh, but wait... There was history... He'd taken advantage of a friend of mine way back then... And while I haven't talked to her in at least 12 years (no falling-out, we just grew apart), I was still loyal to her. And explained to him that 14 years hadn't been long enough and if he wanted me to explain, I would take the time to do so.

But at the end of the day, I knew he'd done a horrible thing to someone I cared about and I couldn't be a part of that. I don't want that in my world.

And I'm not looking for drama. I'm not looking for someone to cause some huge scene. But I'm looking to be closest to people who would go to bat for me. People who want me around in their own worlds because, for some reason, they think I can add something to theirs.

I'm looking for people who add something to mine... Branching out a bit... I have a plan to run with a colleague this weekend.

And I've got another therapy session in just two days. Which is good. Because at the end of the day, I'm always a mom who has an amazing little boy... I will celebrate being his mom on Sunday (as I do every day)... But I'm also a girl who is without one. And that's hard.

Okay, I'm embracing that. Expressing that. And now, going to bed.

Goodnight.

A tizzy is not quite a tailspin.

Things are good. I'm not quite the spaz I was just a couple of months ago. Things still get to me (I'm still me!), but I am not quite the mountain-maker of molehills I was.

In this place, I don't have quite the OCD thing going that I did.

Back at the house, I would check and re-check the front door several times before I could go to bed. And if M wasn't around, I always left the tv on and fell asleep to it.

I don't even have a tv in my bedroom anymore.

And I'm not constantly checking my alarm 18 times before falling asleep. And then waking up to check it during the night.

I sleep better here. For the most part.

I miss my son madly. He left on Saturday and I didn't see him again until Tuesday. And by Tuesday morning, I was pretty down.

Luckily, my FB pals cheered me up. (FML, anyone???)

CoffeeLady said some things to me the other day that I've been pondering. And trying to cut ties. And being clear in my expectations and standiong up for myself.

But the Sundays I don't have T are hard. And when I worked on homework all friggin' afternoon late into the night, I was not thrilled.

And then I find myself processing it out... And talking more openly. And realizing that there are people in my world who came into it because, apparently, the appeal of a married woman was intriguing. And it seemed safe then.

And there are people in my world who say really tough things to me. Because I need to hear them. And I'm not feeling quite as fragile as I was. But I am still a bit.

K2B told me that he was surprised at how well I'm adjusting. He thought it would take me longer to find happiness being away from M. I guess things had simply gotten so uncomfortable there that anything would be better.

And I am so glad not to be with him anymore. I'm finding that he's not my closest confidante anymore. I haven't asked him to go to marriage counseling in more than a week. (I'd pretty much mentioned it every couple of days since before moving out.)

I'm still being really generous with him, though. I care about it. If T and I are going to dinner, I invite M to join us.

But then today... We had a conference with T's teacher. And I had assumed we'd go grab some food and discuss it with him. But M's mom was making dinner for them. Which she does all the time, apparently... Lucky boys to be living with his folks. But I'm not ever invited to do that.

*shrug*

Easter's not for a month, but I'm already sad about it. I wandered through the drug store this afternoon and stopped myself from buying stuff... I'll still probably get a few things for T, but I am not spending money on his cousins anymore... I used to really enjoy putting together the Easter buckets, though.

*sigh*

And I had just found out that a student I've been working hard with... He's a little punk. I don't particularly like him. But I've been consistent with him, trying so hard to help him. I found out today that he's in quite a bit of trouble... And I can't help but question if maybe we could have saved him if only.... If only... If only...

Then there's the matter of the soul mate. Not to be confused with the SoulMate, of course.

Sometimes I can't stand that people really get me and they encourage me to take a stand when I really think maybe I should just let stuff go... Let the next person worry about it... But, no. Apparently, I'm the one who's in the privileged position of saying the hard things...

So, I did.

And that got me all kinds of mixed-up.

Good thing I have TheRaPy tomorrow.

Because I'm not going into a tailspin over this stuff... I'm just going to work on my homework, get it done so I can play with IP this weekend for her birthday. Eat some dinner. And be grateful for the solitude.

Grateful for the solitude. Grateful for the solitude.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I love that I don't have to do my husband's laundry anymore?

*contented sigh*

I'm doing laundry now. And it's really so very easy here.

*grin*

Okay, dinner. Going now.