Sometimes you CAN go home.

I'm back in my hometown for the holidays. Got here on Sunday and am staying through Christmas Eve.

Just over a week ago, we started planning a mini-reunion. Not like the mini-reunions of old. This would be at a family establishment. My only hope was that my ex-fiancee didn't show up this time.

On Monday, I got to have lunch with my IBFF. She hadn't told anyone she was in town, but she made time to meet me and the kidlet for lunch. I felt touched and honored... And I loved that she asked me about a PostSecret that had been posted a couple of months ago. She recognized the handwriting and had meant to ask if it was mine. And it had been. I loved that. And I love that I can be so candid with her and that she's always on my side. And I got to play with her son. And, shockingly, felt my uterus contract a bit. Weird.

Later that afternoon, another friend took time out of his crazy shopping day to meet me and the kidlet for coffee. We hadn't seen each other since the kidlet was a baby, and I've met his infant son three times. We're making a point of doing that. I got to snuggle his boy, too. And, again. That weird twinge in my uterus. WTF???

Anyway.

That night, heard a rumor that one of the mean girls is getting divorced. And instead of giggling about karma and such (which would have been justified!!!), I just was sad for the effect it will have on her kids. Still waiting for the gloating. I don't think it's coming. I never wished them ill. No matter what anybody thought.

Went holiday shopping with Dad. He bought me a CamelBack. Color me thrilled. Of course when we went to check out, Leon's 9th grade girlfriend was at the register. Only in my world, right???

Then came the mini-reunion. And I walked in the door and there was this crowd in the entry. And there were people there I hadn't seen since graduation. People I hadn't expected to see. People I was thrilled to see.

I had heard a few years ago that one of them thought I didn't like her. Because of something that had happened 20 years ago. I had said at that time that I was so over it. But it was awesome to realize that she's a really cool chick and we had lots to talk about.

It was great to be with these people and that there was no drama. Like, at all. And to realize that even though I have the reputation of drama following me, it wasn't really all me. And that was lovely.

I didn't get enough one-on-one time with anyone who was there. But it was enough of a taste to just make me grateful.

There was a moment when one woman asked why one of the mean girls wasn't there. And I kind of choked on my Dr Pepper. Later she would ask about HRT as well. I did choke that time. But it was funny. And when she asked about the stories, I kept it pretty low-key. Not many details. Just the minimum.

I said something about how I'm not allowed to date guys from high school anymore. And was questioned... Mentioned HRT and Leon. And left it at that. Look at me, not seeking that kind of attention anymore!!

This morning, as I made my coffee and broke up another batch of the magical chocolate-bacon-peanut bark, I reflected about how I'm here in this town and I haven't kissed anybody and I'm totally okay with that. I haven't heard from CJ since the night I got here and I'm mostly okay with that.

And I decided it's best for all involved for me to go ahead and go camping with the boys over New Years. The kidlet keeps running in to hug me and tell me how happy he is that I'm going. And I'm pretty damn grateful that I have a plan and can just be off the grid for a few days.

I've realized that dating completely sucks during the holidays and I'd prefer to not have anything to do with it, honestly. I'll start over again in the New Year. Maybe. LOL.

For now, I'll just enjoy the sound of my son playing a board game in the other room with my dad. And giggle over him singing songs like "Walking Around the Christmas Tree" and "The Twelve Days of Christmas... 'Nine babies dancing!'"

And I'll just continue to bask in the glow that was the Light and Love of old friends who knew me when... And who actually read this thing and remind me of just how far I've come...

Because, apparently, I have some 'splainin' to do.

I wasn't trying to be a bitch. Honestly.

I'll explain about today, but first I want to make an observation.

Last year. November. Twilight. I went with TF. I had read the first two books at that point and then saw the first movie with TF. I was in the beginning stages of my breakup with HRT. And I was in agony over it.

Last night. November. New Moon. I went with TF. I've read all four books twice (but not recently) and then saw the second movie with TF. I am in the beginning (middle? end? LOL) stages of my breakup with Leon. And I'm in agony over it.

One major difference: I am not broken.

The situation with HRT is so much clearer now... I was such a mess that I was absolutely devastated by that breakup. Hell, I was such a mess that I got involved with that guy in the first place. He said he loved me early on and I totally fell for it. And it hurt so much to lose that. Of course, now I realize it wasn't love. On either of our parts. But it sure felt like it at the time.

And a year later... In the throes of this breakup... With a man I realize I love more and differently than any man I ever have before... And yet... I'm not broken like I was before. I hurt, sure. I cry, sure. (Today's the first day I haven't cried in a week. Mad skillz?) But I know that I am loved. By my friends. By my family. I know that I am worthy. Which, for some reason, a year ago, I doubted. And I do know that Leon loves me. And I'm pretty sure that his intentions for not being with me, while hurtful, are far more noble than HRT's reasons for not being with me.

And then there was today.

I've been somewhat ambivalent about this guy. We'd gone out three times already and decided to get together this afternoon to watch football. I was super-excited about this game and would have gone to watch by myself. Which would have made today turn out far differently, I'm sure.

The last time we had gone out was the day that I had called Leon to ask him to meet me the following week. Because I would be telling him I love him and shit. So, when I didn't particularly enjoy that date, someone told me I had been picking apart this guy because Leon had been on my mind. I wasn't certain that was the truth. But because Leon was an issue that day, I decided to give this guy another chance. Because maybe it was me that made him babble away about movies I'd never seen. And sports teams I don't follow. While I had thought the third date would get to a bit more of the nitty gritty, we didn't do that. And I called him out on it to an extent, but I was told not to give up on him because it could well be my own fault.

So, I met up with the guy for football today. We went to a favorite restaurant of mine and he asked me about New Moon last night. And I started to tell him my thoughts about the movie. And he interrupted me to tell me all about the reviews he'd read. But he hadn't seen the movie and he hasn't read any of the books. And I found that annoying. This morning, TF asked me if he reads. And I said he does, but not the kinds of stuff I read. This gave me pause. I left my husband because he doesn't read. I can't get involved with another guy who doesn't read. I just can't.

And then he was telling me about his evening on Friday night... And while he didn't come out and say it, I was 99% certain he'd been out on a date. Which doesn't bother me. I'm dating other people. But I think he should have come out and said it.

At halftime, the couple sitting near us left the bar and I asked if we could scoot over. That would leave me much closer to the television that was showing my game. So, we moved. And when I went to put my stuff down, this guy puts his hand on the barstool and says "This seat is taken." I stared at him because I was pretty sure he was full of shit, but his delivery was impeccable. We laughed and then sat down.

And this guy was talking to me way more than my date was. I had eaten a late breakfast with TF and her brother so I wasn't starving, but I shared an appetizer platter with my date. And then he got a meal. And then we shared dessert in the final quarter. We each got a drink (mine was cheaper since it was on draft. He drinks margaritas. Only.) and a soda.

So, "other guy" is asking me questions, getting to know me. Trying to draw my date into the conversation, but he wasn't having any of it. I was talking to "other guy", his friend, and the guy on the other side of them who was cheering for my team as well. "Other guy" graduated from my university. "Other guy" has a mom who is a teacher (and taught all over the continent!) and a dad who's a doctor. "Other guy" was quite clever and entertaining.

I kept reaching over to my date, placing my hand on his leg or rubbing his shoulder and he just wasn't responding. (Don't say it's because of "other guy". He'd been that way since I'd walked in.)

That was when I started wondering if it would be bad form for me to try to connect with "other guy". Exchange numbers or something. Not in front of my date, of course, but still. Something. Because I'm pretty sure my date isn't "the one". And I'm pretty sure he knows that too.

So, then I was really trying to ignore "other guy" because someone told me not to search for madness, heartbreak, and despair.

And then the bill came. And I offered to split it, fully expecting my date to insist upon paying more since he ate way more than I did. But, no. He let me split it. Which wasn't a big deal, but kind of the nail in the coffin for me. (He paid on our first date, and we've gone dutch, mostly, since. Or he's used gift cards to pay for most of whatever we did.)

Pretty sure "other guy" saw what happened. And he kind of made a face towards my date. Who didn't even notice because he was too enamored with the games.

As we got ready to go, my date went to wait for me outside as I went to the bathroom one last time. And "other guy" was totally going to the bathroom, too. He said, "I'm not following you," and I said, "Bummer."

I pee really fast, so I kind of dawdled, hoping I would run into him when I left. With my date outside, I could have been totally discreet.

But when I came out, I couldn't see "other guy". I walked slowly toward the exit and turned around at the last moment, and that's when I saw "other guy" walking out of the restroom. Crap. I didn't know where my date was, and I didn't know if he would have seen me already, so I couldn't exactly go back inside.

So, I met up with my date, and that's when "other guy" and his buddy walked out and passed us. We totally made eye contact, but there was nothing I could do. I walked with my date to his car so he could get a sweatshirt, and then he walked me to mine. He hugged me and kind of kissed me, told me he would totally distract me but that I needed to go home and write (not this blog. My novel. LOL). I'm just kind of thinking he's all talk and stuff, though. And I'm kind of over it.

And maybe it was bad form to start talking to another guy while I was on this date, but a connection is a connection. And I really enjoyed talking to that guy. Far more than I've enjoyed talking to this one. On any of our four dates.

::sigh::

Back to the drawing board, I guess. Well, I do still have a couple of other irons in the fire. Moving on...

You've come a long way, baby...

It was nearly noon when I realized what today was.

One year ago, today, I ran through an airport to throw my arms around HRT for the first time in three months. There were photos taken of us that day... We couldn't stop staring at each other... Touching each other... We would make that particular city ours... I would take it back as my own when I went back there several months later. Because what I didn't know was just how awful he was that weekend... In the weeks following what seemed like such a magical time, he would reveal himself to be the thief, cheat, and liar that he truly was. It took me many months to heal from all that he brought to my world. And after that weekend, I would never see him again.

But on this day... When I realized that today marked one year since that day... It hit me once again just how different my world is... How blessed I am that he is not in it.

One week ago today, I was in the middle of my first 50-mile trail run. And I was kicking ass.

And here I am, a week after accomplishing the hardest thing I've ever done (except for birthing my son. No, actually, probably including that. LOL!), and I'm feeling good.

Physically, I feel fairly recovered from that brutal trek through the wilderness. Okay, I've still got some numbness in one toe (which is quickly turning into fairly excruciating pain. LOL) and I'm going to lose a toenail. (I got a pedicure this afternoon. That poor little pinky toe is BLACK.)

Emotionally, I'm still not quite ready to blog about that experience.

And in the five days since I've been home, I've been through the emotional wringer. Leon's back in the picture (shut up, you guys!), and that's got all kinds of confusion written all over it. The Ex is dealing with some fairly major health issues right now. And, of course, I'm stepping up, just like I always do. Which makes him all kinds of grateful and shit. Which, again, throws all kinds of confusion all over everything. And throws all of my plans over the next several weeks into limbo, what with him not knowing when he's being admitted to the hospital and such.

Ugh.

But when I realized what today is, it just reminded me how much ass I've kicked in the last year.

And I got a text this morning that called me a "marathoner... Not just of miles but of life too. Hills and valleys, ups and downs, laughter and tears, joy and pain. But always victorious."

So, on this day, I am once again reminded to be grateful for the worst person to ever enter my world. Because maybe if he hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. Or maybe I'd be where I am today, but open to someone even worse who could hurt me worse than even he could.

So, here I am... A bit more cautious in my dealings with men... Not quite as trusting with my heart...

But with less than 6 days until what used to be the worst day of my year, I know that I will make it.

Because I am surrounded by so much Light and so much Love... I have managed to prove myself as a Friend to those who are worthy (and probably still some who will prove otherwise. LOL)... And I have welcomed the Friendship of so many who continue to bless my world...

So even thought those first months were agonizing, I am so grateful that I moved through it in Real Time instead of pushing it aside. Because now I can stand proud and grateful for who I've become and who I am becoming.

RetroMama Kicks Ass.

I am feeling particularly kickass today. Well, not at this moment. But I did earlier this afternoon.

And yesterday.

A year ago, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. And I was in a bad place. I was in a place where I was about to get dumped by a guy who turned out not to be worth it anyway. My friends confiscated my technology, and got me kleenex when I burst into tears over the butterfly. I was fragile. Raw. And it would get a lot worse before it got better.

But yesterday, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. It was in a different venue. And it never even occurred to me until we were driving down there to wonder if I'd get to see some of the same people as last year.

The guest list was slightly different. Mostly cb's friends from school and extra-curricular activities. The family friends I'd hoped to see weren't there. I hung out with TF's folks and such. And as I sat there with TF's mom and cb's agent, I noticed CB's hot Cuban friend talking to him. Lovely. He doesn't have a kid. Why is he here? I haven't talked to him since two days after that amazingly hot kiss we shared several weeks ago... Which was after a wonderful couple of hours of him sobering up over coffee... Sharing confidences. But it wasn't the start of anything. It was just a moment. When I kissed him BACK. Contrary to what he continues to insist. Ugh.

A few minutes later, he approached us, hugging TF's mom, hugging me, saying hello... I pointed out the kidlet and said, "That one's mine. He does exist!" (Hot Cuban Friend had never actually met the kidlet, apparently.) They said hello and he went off somewhere else, and I got back to my conversation...

Awhile later, I approached HCF and CB and CB opened with "Is this going to be awkward? Should I leave so you guys can kiss?"

I laughed and as HCF and I embraced, I said, "I only kiss.... BACK..." And we all laughed. Awkward moment averted. Ish. LOL.

After dropping off the kidlet at his dad's (where I regaled the Ex with stories about explaining to the kidlet (in answer to his questions) that when the sperm comes out of his penis, it probably feels even better than when he has an erection, to which he replied with reverence... "Whoa... Cool!"), I headed home for a snack before driving to the theater where my uncle was performing. I went by myself. Because I can do that. With no problem.

I got home late, did some grading and slept in this morning.

And woke up in a major snit. Perhaps it was because I'd left my window open and what woke me was my neighbors talking really loudly, but there were other things that were getting to me too. TF got me calmed down via text, and once I wrote out my List of Three, I felt a thousand times better.

And then my Pea called... And we actually got to have a conversation that was longer than 5 minutes. And I was back in the game.

I went and got my oil changed. And no man (meaning The Ex or my Dad) had told me it was time. I just did it. And then I tried to shop for jeans, which was a bust, but I did manage to get a couple of cute tops.

And then I went to a bar/restaurant. To watch football. By myself.

And I sat down at the bar and ordered a cider (got carded, too! Whee!!) and some food and watched the game. And had conversations with strangers. And did a couple of fist bumps with the guy sitting two stools away. And we yelled and cheered (and my team won... Phew!), and I had a really good time.

And I hadn't ever done that before. I'd talked to IP about that. She totally does that kind of stuff by herself. And I never have. But I totally did. And I had a great time. I even stayed after my game ended to watch the end of another game that the chick next to me was into. Because she was so cool. And we chatted a bit and I told her how proud of myself I was that I was there by myself and how grateful I was to sit next to such cool people. She looked at me in awe and said, "I don't think I could ever do that. Just go by myself. That's really brave." And it hit me... That I was really brave...

Who is this RetroMama? This chick who goes to plays by herself? Who gets her oil changed without being told? Who goes to bars to watch football loudly? Who holds her own and can answer questions about what's happening with her favorite team?

Whomever she is... I kinda dig her.

Growth is the New Black.

And, whoa... Am I decked out or WHAT?!?

On the way home from an incredible 24 hours of spoiling the hell outta my son, I had this moment of ClaRiTy that had me breathless, sobbing so hard (of the snot-bubble kind) that I finally pulled over so that I could just breathe... But it was a totally good thing.

Not long after posting that last blog, Leon did call me back. And I did break things off with him. And it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I explained to him that I understand that he's not really in a place where he can consider being in a relationship. And that I see too much potential for it between us to let us fall into something that wouldn't be good. He's got SO MUCH on his plate right now. And I know myself. I can't let myself be the girl to try to help him figure it out. He has to figure it out on his own.

And maybe when he does, he'll realize that I am utterly fantastic and he'll be in a place to try again with me.

And maybe not. But I'm still a hopeful girl! Haha.

He thanked me, actually. For bringing certain things to his attention. And he was really nice and really understanding. Seemed relieved when I told him I'm still his friend and will still see him as I always have, just not with the regularity and planning that we have been.

Did I want him to give up on me so quickly? Um, no. But am I glad that he knew he wasn't right for me right now and let it go easily? Yeah. I guess I actually am...

And that's where the growth has apparently come in...

I'm not taking this one personally.

And this morning I realized that I pulled the exact same thing with HRT last year... Right before school started last year, I broke things off with him. Because I was on Situation Overwhelm at that time.

When I wondered if that's what I'd done here, I realized quickly that it's completely different.

And in the interest of not being a hypocrite, I actually took my novel with me to the magical place where I spent a night with my son and after he went to sleep, I started reading. Making notes. Editing.

Finally.

Maybe that's what this whole thing was about. Because there were moments when I wondered if everything that happened in the last two years was to get me ready for Leon. I keep thinking I want to write about all of those signs. And maybe I will.

But maybe all those signs that pointed to Leon were just to make him be the messenger (through myself!) that I need to actually finish the damn novel. Get it ready. Publish the hell out of that thing.

Who knows?

But it's a start.

But this afternoon... After a day when HRT kept popping up into my consciousness (effin' BlackBerry!!!)...

I'm not the same person I was when he walked into my world. I'm not the girl who is so desperate to be loved that I was willing to throw myself back into the fray of his uncommunicativeness (if it's not a word, it is now. Shut up.)...

Because by this time during the breakup with HRT, I was already talking to him again.

And this afternoon, when I wanted to call Leon, I didn't. When I considered writing to him to tell him that I believe in him and all he wants to accomplish, I didn't. When I considered whether or not I will call him to tell him about the job I choose, I still don't know. Maybe he'll find out like everybody else does. On Facebook.

Because that's when it hit me.

I was right about the risk this time. This time, I didn't lose my best friend. I didn't get into something that wouldn't work out and then lose everything.

Because HRT had been my best friend for two years before we started dating. And when we broke up, I lost that completely. Yes, it's probably better that my eyes are open and someone like him is no longer in my world. And there were moments recently when I regretted having dated him and lost our friendship. Because I didn't need to know that he was a liar. I didn't want to know that he was a cheat. I certainly didn't need to know that he was a thief.

I'd been perfectly happy in my little world with the cute little picture he'd painted.

But this time, I actually got to know someone who is amazing and wonderful and kind and generous.

He's just not for me right now.

And I realized that even in these weeks when we were dating ("seeing each other"? I don't know. He wasn't my boyfriend, but we were spending time together fairly consistently. Ish.), Leon still didn't get to my heart.

I said to my sister the other day that I tend to fall in love very quickly. Within weeks. Days. And I didn't fall in love with Leon. I might have at some future point, but I hadn't yet.

Not only that, I didn't really let him get to the heart of me. He didn't even know that I did that huge fundraiser the other night. The one that made me cry for hours. He didn't even know that I found out about a little honored hero being diagnosed with swine flu. And he was THERE when I found out! He didn't even know how badly I'd wanted him to be the one to break my celibacy streak.

Why didn't I tell him that stuff?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am different. I didn't screw up this time. I didn't put my trust in someone unworthy.

Because Leon IS worthy. He's a great guy. I still believe we could end up together at some point in the future.

But if we don't, I know I'm going to be okay... Because I'm attracting quality people these days... People who are worth knowing.

And I am so blessed by amazing girlfriends who decided to come celebrate with me tonight with a day's notice. We'll drink wine and toast the fact that I will have a job soon. That I don't have cancer. And I don't have a guy in my world who will stop me from being available to the one with whom I am supposed to be.

I've cleared the pathway to my heart... And like Cupcake said, I "deserve nothing less than someone who is absolutely crazy about and focused on" me. Maybe when Leon clears the clutter, it will be him. Or maybe it will be someone I haven't even met yet.

But I've learned so much about myself in the last few weeks. And I'm finally becoming proud of myself. Even when it hurts to let go, I'm joyous in knowing that I, apparently, can...

Onward and Upward, Groceries.

I want to get back to my zen place.

Everything happens for a reason. And "patience" is, apparently, still the lesson I am supposed to learn.

I'm getting to the point where I'm realizing that I am a pretty okay single mom. My kid and I have really open communication, we do fun stuff together, I make him eat his vegetables, etc.


We've cut some corners this summer, what with me being without a job and all, but I don't think the kidlet has really felt deprived or anything.

I have always had a tendency to be a bit of a lazy homemaker. I enjoy cooking, but don't make it much of a priority. During my marriage, I took things for granted. If there was a tear in an item of clothing, I was pretty quick to put it in the "donate" pile.

I'm different, now, though.


My favorite jeans ever needed to be retired. The holes in them were really trashy looking. Knowing that I'm next-to-useless with a needle, I gave them up to my dad's girlfriend, who ended up patching them with this really classy material. I'm thrilled to have my jeans back and even more thrilled that I don't feel the need to go buy another pair right now.

And I found a skort that I'd set aside a year ago because it was missing a button and sewed the damn thing back on. (Thanks to the sewing kit dad's gf had given me for Christmas a couple of years ago...) I've sewn on three buttons in the last month. Mad skillz.


And my kid is lucky that I have such amazing friends... Because they open their homes to us and bless his world just as much as they have blessed mine...


Tonight, over dinner, the kidlet asked his dad if he would go visit our friends that we had just seen. Invited him to sleep in their guest room and everything. His dad very diplomatically said that he would probably meet them when they come down to visit us, but that he doesn't know them so he would not be going to stay in their home. No, not even if he went with us...


And I was sad for him. While my ex is a great guy, the only people he really brings to my son's world is his family. And, while they're mostly great, they're not the kind of people who will broaden my son's little horizons.


Not like the M family... Who have kind of adopted me as their little sister. E's mom even stopped by on Sunday to meet me since she had heard I'd be in town. I was sad to find out that I'd missed her.


But so glad to be in that home. The kids picked up right where they left off, and D waited to start the tofu stir-fry until I was there so that he could teach me... And he's this amazing teacher who taught me how to slice a carrot.


Shut up. Yes, I didn't know how to slice a carrot.

There was a phobia. There was an incident when I was about 6 years old... A teenaged neighbor of a friend thought it would be fun to terrorize the little kids with a knife... And when he forced it into my hand, I threw it down... Not realizing my friend was behind me until he screamed... Because he'd been cut. I am fairly certain it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to go to the doctor or anything, but that stuck with me. Knives scare me.

But I was highly motivated to learn how to make this dish.


So, I did. Because I have become this person who faces her fears. Like, oh, I'm afraid of heights. So, I'll go rockclimbing... Or go run across the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, I'm scared of knives. So, I'll learn how to slice a carrot with a sharp one to make tofu stir-fry.

And it was amazing... Later, he would show me how to make bread. Like, not in a breadmaker. But actual bread.


And we drank wine and enjoyed each other's company...

And early the next morning, E took me to the gym. Where I did back-to-back classes: Pilates and then Water Aerobics. We went back to the house for a couple of hours and D made me decaf in the French Press (See how well they take care of me???), and then E and I were back at the gym for another Pilates class. More hanging out at the house and then back to the gym for the 4th class of the day, Step.

I totally rocked it. I was sore, but I felt like I learned SO MUCH. I feel like I have enough of a grasp on pilates to where I could do a video at home and not hurt myself. And the Step class was a lot of fun... Until we put the steps away to do more abs work.


Eesh. My poor abs. I learned the last time that I did Pilates that I have a strong back, but no six-pack, whatsoever.


Shockingly, this time was a bit easier. Or maybe not shockingly. I actually have learned something.


I was in my pajamas by 6, drinking wine, learning how to roast a chicken (again, shut up.), and this amazing potato dish (seriously, D. You need to be the Next Food Network Star!!!).

And after a mellow evening, I went and took E's Muscle Conditioning class this morning. Which was an absolutely humbling experience.

But, again, I learned so much...

And while I was there, I heard from a friend of HRT's. Apparently, she'd heard I have cancer and wanted to check in to see if I was okay. Nine months ago, this woman kicked me while I was down. Resulting in a very bad 20-minute crying jag on my kitchen floor. That was the last I'd heard from either of them. And yet, she stepped up to let me know she would pray for me (don't get me started on this one. LOL)...


Which means HRT knows. Whether I will hear from him remains to be seen, but I know now that I am strong enough to handle it. And, no, I won't let him back in. Two days ago, I was rather certain I would hear from him. And while I'm in a strange mood tonight, telling myself I won't hear from anybody I'm waiting to hear from, again, I return to this "patience" thing.


And I'm learning. Taking a deep breath and accepting that timing is everything.

And whenever he tries to walk back into my world, I will gently (and kindly!) help him walk back out of it. But I will be grateful for whatever comes my way.


And, again, with the timing.

I did see the guy again (the guy from the last blog entry). And when he asked me to go out for a drink, I accepted. And I had a really nice time with him. We did discuss what had happened earlier in the week. And it was pretty much just a "let's slow down, I don't want us not to be able to be friends if this doesn't work out, etc." thing... And we talked it out, and I think we managed to figure out that it's all going to be okay. No matter what.

And I'm grateful for this experience. I'm grateful for learning how to take things slowly. I'm grateful that I had to realize I felt guilty for moving forward out of my marrage. Because then I was infinitely grateful for the realization that my marriage is really over. And I'm grateful for this guy because he told me my demands are reasonable (something I'd doubted ever since the not-so-worthy one told me that my time wasn't enough). So, whether we end up continuing to date or whether we're done, I'm grateful for it having happened up until now.

There were lonely moments tonight. Moments when I missed my son so badly, and moments when I just wanted to head right back to where I'd been for the last couple of days. Moments when I wished I had a significant other that I could count on. Moments when I hoped someone would say "let me come with you to your surgery on Monday because it matters to me to be there with you..." Moments when I threw out the flowers from last week and wished someone would want to buy some for me.

But then I realized that someone does want to buy flowers for me. When AE asked about my surgery and asked where she could send flowers... Of course, it's just an outpatient thing, but that was sweet. And I realized I don't really need someone to buy me flowers because I was throwing out flowers that I'd bought for myself. And they were gorgeous.

And I do have so many friends who love me and would offer to be there with me on Monday (and HAVE offered!)...

But then I remember the night before another surgery when I went to the hospital alone for bloodwork. And even though I was MARRIED, I went alone. And I was wheeled into that surgery knowing that my husband was not out there waiting for me. And woke up from that surgery alone. So, I embraced this loneliness tonight. Because I remember that I left because it would be better to be lonely and alone that to be lonely when I'm with someone.

And with less than a week until I can get this stupid cancer off of me, I think I'll make it. It's just starting to get a little old.

But again... Patience.

I'm trying.

So, I glance down at the henna'ed "om" on the inside of my wrist, and I take a deep breath. And I try to channel Cupcake's quiet.

Back to the yoga tomorrow morning. I need to get my zen back.

And while I'm scared to hit "publish post", I think you'll learn that I face my fears with arms wide open...

Click.

Taking Back My Memories...

There's this line in "Gives You Hell" where he sings "You can take back your memories, they're no good to me!"

And while I loved that song pretty passionately after the breakup with HRT, I'm kind of over it.

I sent someone a gift recently... I didn't really plan to buy a gift, but when I found it, I knew I had to send it... And I agonized over the perfect wrapping paper, and the perfect card... And I was thrilled with the finished result... I remember laughing with joy as I cut the wrapping paper to size... I put Light and Love into addressing the bubble envelope... I had fun with it.

Two days ago, I checked my PO Box for the first time in several days... There were several things in there... I sorted them at the counter, asking the kidlet to throw the junk mail away... There were a few envelopes with hand-written addresses. One was from the recipient of that gift. One was from DebuTaunt's parents... And one had Zoe's name in the return address spot.

I knew I had to open them right then and placed them in order from least to greatest importance... Zoe's would be last.

The first was the thank-you card for that gift. I tore open the envelope, expecting some kind of acknowledgement of how perfect the gift was, how thoughtful, how it would hold a treasured place in their home.

Yeah. That's not what I got. It was a pre-printed card, signed "Thanks, The Recipient"

Wow.

And then I opened the cards from DebuTaunt's family... And the words... Written by someone who had just lost their CHILD... And to take the time to tell me that something I had sent more than three months ago had made it to Deb's hospital room... That it had sparked conversation among her visitors... That she had actually touched it...

I sobbed. Right there, just crying... And the kidlet came over and hugged me and patted me and said, "I'm sorry you're sad, Mommy." And I smiled through my tears and said, "I'm not, Baby... I'm so thankful for these..." (OF COURSE the card sent on Zoe's behalf had butterflies all over the front!) and I held up the cards that mattered...

And then I asked him to throw away the other card. Because while I may be a sentimental girl, and the person who sent it used to be someone whose notes I treasured, I'm actually over it. I didn't waver when he said, "Throw away the card?"

And he did.

And I held the cards from DebuTaunt's family close, gathered up the rest of the mail and came home...

But the thought had entered my mind, "I spent all of this time and energy putting that together, and it didn't matter to them??? Well, pish. Maybe I shouldn't have done it..."

The next thought was, "Wait a second. I was joyful when I did it. I laughed and had fun. Why should their reaction take away from my memory of joy?"

And then I was glad again. Because there could be a thousand reasons why they didn't take the time to say something more. And 999 of those reasons probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.

So, I took back my memory. Because it WAS good to me.

And then I decided to take back some other memories...

Those girls. (I know I'm harping on an old subject. But it's summer... And the last two summers were all caught up with them...)

One of them deleted every photo of me from a website that was supposed to represent all of us... Erased my existence from those experiences.

Which is fine.

But I still want to be joyful about the wonderful times we did share before everything changed...

I still want to remember the way the moon looked that night as we listened to the music at that concert... I want to remember how we made a circle around the IBFF as she peed in the parking lot... I want to remember Island's. And the BGSC. And how they were there for my Ultra. I want to remember being wrapped in a blanket on my dad's couch as I sobbed. I want to remember crying at CEC because I had finally shared my most humiliating moment.

And HRT... How wonderful to be able to remember that night that we hung out with K at my dad's... The laughter the neighbors on the next block could probably hear... When L banned me from speaking at her wedding (she says she was kidding. I have my doubts. LOL), and she mentioned an inside joke created that night at my dad's, I was able to smile when I remembered how HRT had laughed so hard and threw his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

Just because he became a lying, cheating, thieving asshole later doesn't mean that that wasn't a wonderful moment.

So, I can let them pretend I never existed... Because even though I would never want to be in the same room with them again, there was a time when they mattered to me... When they brought me joy...

So, they can rewrite our history. I won't. Because it's MY history. And there were beautiful, wonderful, horrible, amazing, moments. And they made me who I am today.

So, I'm thankful for that.

Okay, maybe I have one last secret...

For those of you who have been living under a rock, you might not know that I am a huge fan of PostSecret. Huge fan... I was introduced to PostSecret a couple of years ago by a friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

But I have all four books.

And, yes... I've sent in a postcard or thirty. Haha.

Making those postcards has been so cathartic for me... It's been better than blogging because I can be a total bitch when I make those cards and nobody will ever know just how much anger I'd been carrying when I've been all "Love and Light" and shit on the internet and in real life...

Because I was a person who tried so hard to convince myself that certain things were okay, when they really weren't... That I was okay with what those horrid girls did last summer... That I was okay with what the HRT did... That the ARSHole wasn't so awful...

And in the privacy of my own home, I would take out my scissors, glue sticks, stickers, photos, etc... And I would just... EXPRESS IT.

There was the day last winter when I made a whole bunch of cards to get my angst out over the HRT... And I anxiously stalked the website, waiting for one of those cards to show up... Because that would totally show him!!!

But they never did.

Frank never posted my cards... Nor did he ever post any of the emails I'd sent...

But then I would find myself telling my closest friends about what those postcards said... And those secrets didn't have so much of a hold over me... Through the making and sending of the cards, they lost their power... And I felt better...

And I'd had these two photographs sitting in my place... Photos I knew I didn't want... But I couldn't bring myself to simply throw them away... Because I had feelings wrapped up in them... Feelings I hadn't been able to express...

And the postcard... The beautiful black and white artsy postcard I'd picked up in San Francisco when I was with Ari... It was a fork, lying face-down on a plate... My plan at that time was to frame it and put it in my new apartment when I moved...

But I didn't do it... A couple of months ago, I knew it would end up sent to PostSecret... But I didn't know what it would say...

And the day I sent in those photographs... Expressing the hurt one girl had caused... And the admission that I was finally grateful for the HRT not showing up in my town on that particular weekend... That was the day I created the secret on the fork postcard... It was my deepest secret...

And then I addressed it, and it struck me that the photo on the card was a Paris photo... Taken long before my lifetime would begin...

And I remembered how CoffeeLady had told me not to date anybody who reads my blog... Because I'm so open and honest in here (today being asked "did I really just read about your butthole?") that somebody might use that information to get to me in a way I wouldn't welcome...

And I remembered how the HRT had done that... He acted like he knew me so well... And while he knew he didn't embody everything I'd written in my "list" (this goes back to a blog I wrote a lifetime ago... About what I'm looking for), he wanted to become the person worthy of being with me... And while he hadn't traveled as much as I was hoping for, he told me that he wanted to travel with me...

And take me to Paris.

Um, but I don't want to go to Paris. I've never wanted to go to Paris. There are two European cities in particular that I do want to visit. But it's never been Paris...

And when we talked about it, I was really sweet about it, "Oh, you mean... ???" And he quickly said, "Yes, isn't that where you wanted to go?"

And it was early days, so I let it slide...

So, I finally made the postcard... And as I addressed it, I added a little note for Frank...

And before I put that card in the mail, I actually pulled part of my secret off of the front... Because I was afraid that it would end up getting posted and that someone in my world would figure out that it was me...

And then last weekend, I checked the site... None of my secrets made it...

This morning, I checked it from my phone... And I saw my own writing!!!

I raced to the computer because I wanted to check and see if it was one of the postcards where you put your cursor over it and it flips over... Suddenly terrified that someone would recognize my writing, I simply had to know....

And he hadn't done it that way...

Heart in my throat, I dashed off an email to Frank... And texted a couple of girlfriends who follow the site...

A couple of hours later, I saw that he'd also printed my email... And I was scared that he would have gone ahead and shared the other side...

But he hadn't...

And these people on the forum seemed to think that what was written was what the secret was about...

And I hadn't thought that it was...

But maybe it was... Maybe that's the thing I was supposed to take from this... That the one secret I'm still keeping doesn't matter... Because there's no way to change it anyway...

But knowing that the person who will come into my world will be better than the ones who've left it (the ones who left by choice. Please don't misunderstand me on that line! LOL!)...

And the next guy?? Well, he sure as hell won't offer to take me to Paris!!

Everything I'd planned for... And more.

One reason I left my marriage is because of the traveling thing. The desire to share with my son a bit more than just our own little corner of the world. Not that our little corner of the world isn't amazing... But there's so much more to it...

And I'm actually doing it.

I've already set aside the money for our Thanksgiving trip. To the Grand Canyon. TF orchestrated it, but the check is ready. Because I've made sure of it.

Yesterday, I took him for his first train ride... He was smart enough to ask if we'd pass SM's house, and we totally did! And recognized it.

I'm nervous enough about taking the train. I can do planes. I can drive. But the train stresses me out. I've missed a train before. Because I was on the wrong side of the track (pun intended? Ish?)... And I stood between two trains and nearly got on the wrong one as I watched mine leave... Luckily, another train would come through an hour later, and I would be with my parents (both of them!) not long after the original schedule... I think I was pregnant at the time. I remember telling my dad not to talk to me until I'd eaten... My mom was really great about it.

That was just one of many memories I had while taking the train with my son. And, of course, I was caught up in remembering that one time I smuggled the pussy on the train... What? I'd smuggled a kitten for the HRT! And, of course, the kidlet remembered the time he dropped me off at the train station with the kitten... And decided to ask all kinds of questions about what happened to Marshmallow... Ugh. LOL!

But it's stressful enough for me. With only moments of a stop, you gotta get all your stuff and get on the train! And I'm always afraid to sleep on the train. Scared to miss my stop.

Add a small person to the mix... And I was the only one responsible for him... I had to carry my purse, his booster seat, the bag o' stuff I brought to keep us occupied on the train, a few things we needed to put in the car we were picking up, AND keep a handle on him.

And he's asking a bazillion questions, and I'm just trying to breathe... As my heart is racing and my palms are sweating... Okay, the rest of me was sweating too. It was hot!

But we made it onto the train... And somehow ended up on the first-class car... And didn't get kicked off. And it was a lovely trip...

And my dad picked us up at the other end... With the car he was giving to me... (I'm selling the minivan because it's rather embarrassing to be a single mom of one and driving a vehicle meant for SEVEN... lol.) He'd bought a new car and I'll pay him for the CRV when I sell the van... Which will happen this week. There's this awesome lady I spoke to today who's totally excited about it.

And my dad noticed my knitting in my bag... And questioned it... "You're knitting now?"

And it just really hit me that I am becoming this whole other person... She was just waiting to be in a place where she could try new things...

Yes, I'm now a person who knits... Well, ish. LOL. And I'm a person who takes her son on the train. And to the Grand Canyon. And to dinner with her ex-husband and his grandmother.

And I'm going to be a person who completes a 50-mile UltraMarathon. On a hard-core trail.

Stunningly, my dad was totally supportive about it. (He'd given me a hard time the last time I decided to do an Ultra. Actually, I'd only told him I was doing 26.2. I hadn't exactly trained. So, he was worried...)

Another person who was supportive was M. Didn't seem to think I was crazy at all. And he had even mentioned postponing his annual hunting trip for later in the season so I could do my favorite race of the year... (Which I'm not doing so I can do this trail run instead.)

I guess it's easier for him to be kind now that he doesn't feel like he has to. *shrug*

Mass amounts of ClaRiTy in recent days... So much I haven't much felt like blogging, actually. I finally asked the few friends who are still in touch with the HRT to never talk to me about him again. I will try not to ask, as well... It wasn't even the HRT I was upset about in those moments... But one of the Mean Girls from last summer.... Whom I respected enough to share what was going on with k2b. But she was a bitch (which I should have expected, but still gave that chance).

And I realized that while I would still rejoice over successes and happinesses, and I would still step up when things got tough (a text to the HRT when a friend of his passed away went unanswered, but I was still a person who sent it), these people simply don't care. They are simply not evolved enough to be able to send Light and Love to a third party because they're still so caught up in sending negativity towards me.

And then I found out that the same Mean Girl who was a bitch had something scary happening in her world... And for a moment, it gave me pause... Should I email her? Ask a mutual friend about it?

Ultimately, I decided to send some Light and some Love and nothing else.

And that's when I realized I've been waiting for some of them to step up... Because I know they got the memo about a friend who's been in the hospital for months and is probably going to actually die this time... And they don't care enough to say anything to me... And it finally hit me...

That it's okay....

It's okay for them not to say anything... That even though I am a person who would still want to know because I still care, they are not like me... And if they don't want to know the joys in my world, I don't need for them to know the tragedies either.

And I finally figured out how to delete phone numbers from my SIM card... And those last saved text messages... The ones to remind me of pain and horribleness (my blog. My words. I make 'em up. Deal with it.)... I finally deleted those, too...

I'm ready to actually let go... I was holding onto the bad so that I wouldn't be tempted to let them back in at some point... But I was finally able to let it go... Secure in the knowledge that I won't actually ever let them back in.

As I'm evolving into the woman I'd said I wanted to become, I'm actually finding more and more about me that I'm happy about...

I'm proud of myself for following through on stuff... I'm proud of myself for learning new things... I'm proud of myself for taking on new challenges... I'm proud of myself for providing for my son.

I'm grateful for being open to the people who tell me the hard things... I'm grateful for not being the materialistic girl that some pegged me to be...

My "new" car has far fewer bells and whistles than the minivan... I'd joked that the lack of a CD player was a dealbreaker to my dad... And then said I would buy myself one... But I don't actually seem to need it at this point. And I mentioned that it's weird not to have a remote to unlock the doors. I actually have to put the key in the lock. And a friend said she couldn't handle that. And I shrugged and said, "It's a Honda that will keep me and my son from being stranded somewhere. He's old enough to be patient while I unlock the doors."

I'm truly a person who is learning to be happy with what she actually has.

And today, I like that about me.

Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"

*sigh*

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...