Weaning.

I'm quitting caffeine again.

But I'm weaning this time. No cold turkey crap. Uh-uh.

CoffeeLady hooked me up with some good decaf. And for two days, I've put some decaf beans into the grinder along with a few fewer regular beans.

No headache yet. (::knock on something::)

I didn't drink soda yesterday and went to bed at 10 and slept for the whole night.

I had a Cherry Dr Pepper this afternoon. Because I had lots of writing to do. And here it is, nearly 11, and I am wide awake... Thinking a glass of Syrah and a square of dark chocolate is in my future...

I had a midday TheRaPy session today.

And I told Therapist all about how I dipped my toes in the water last weekend. Went out dancing. With about 8 couples. Half of whom are friends with M. And I tested my boundaries and figured out what they are. And the husbands watched out for me, and I had fun and I didn't ever feel uncomfortable.

Well, until I had stuffed 7 people into my vehicle which seats 5. And I was the only sober one. With four drunk people in my backseat yelling directions at me. All of which were different. But I got them all home safely, and that is what mattered...

I had a long phone conversation with half of a couple that we used to hang out with often... I knew I would lose this couple in the divorce. And I was sad, but realized I can really afford to be generous. I have far more friends than he does. So, the ones that he needs, I can let go... Even if I am sad about it.

But I did get to have a conversation with her... And it was lovely. Just like old times. And we did touch upon the subject of the last year and a half when they kind of dropped me. And we were candid and it was okay.

I hadn't realized she was such the intuitive sort... She tends not to share that, apparently, because most people don't "get" it. And, for some reason, she felt safe enough to share that with me. LOL.

I said something about how when M and I first started actually talking about our issues, he would get angry with me for saying I'd been unhappy for six months, "when it's really only been six weeks!"

But it had actually been much longer than even just six months... And she said that she'd sensed something at least two years before we came out and said something. But she'd been afraid to ask. Afraid to open that can...

But that was validating.

And as I'm in the middle of pulling down the MySpace bloggage (don't worry. I'm putting it elsewhere. Stay tuned.), and re-reading most of it, it's really hitting me... I'm scared to read them all... Because I'm scared I'm going to see where it all began.

And I told my therapist that I'm pretty sure I remember when I realized I wasn't happy. I remember the blog I wrote that day. I haven't gone back that far yet, but I know it's there.

Yesterday I got as far back as one year ago... What an eye-opener.

And today, I went back a few months before that... To when Laiken died... And I found comments from DebuTaunt... (I've been waiting to cry for hours, and now it's finally happening. Phew!)

But more than that... I'm finding comments from people who just two months later decided they hated me... Comments telling me how much they loved me, how proud of me they were. Thanking me for bringing Laiken into their world...

I found reminders of how much they cared about me (or pretended to, anyway)... How supportive and wonderful they were during Mother's Day of last year.

And even though some of those accounts are gone, I found responses written to certain people. And those responses reminded me of things that were said back then... Funny, wonderful things.

Okay, taking a deep breath.

Reminding myself of what a wise woman recently told me (and a few others. LOL!):

clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

I am clear about what we shared at one time. And clear about how it is no longer available (either to me or from me!). I am truly thankful for the memories, and thankful that those poisonous people are out of my life...

Therefore...

:)

I've got so many windows open it's not even funny. I'm working on three different writing projects right now. Expressing it. Feeling it. Writing it out... And maybe it'll turn out to be something big.

My IBFF came to see me on Monday. And we drank Cherry Dr Pepper at my new table. And I remember how a year ago, I was racing to the group nearly every week... And now the ones that matter are making a point of coming to me from even farther away.

Okay, I just stopped and re-read that last sentence about eight times.

Because it really hit me.

The ones that matter are making a point of coming to see me from even farther away. Proving to me, unprompted, that I matter to them.

Thank you, ladies.

I am so damned thankful for those people who have made me feel wanted and loved, especially in the most recent days.

Being unemployed for the first time since I was 14 is a strange sensation.

But I find myself feeling this detachedness (if that's not a word, I'm claiming it!) when people say things like "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Because right now it just is what it is. I'm not feeling like the sympathy is what I need.

And I was proud of myself for not laughing in the face of the one who said, "Try to stay strong and positive..." And loved when V said, "has she MET you???"

But, apparently, what I do need is to feel wanted and loved.

And so many of my loved ones have done that for me... I am so thankful for the one who wrote to me to ask me again to come out on Saturday. I'm so thankful for the ones who insisted we come stay with them. I'm so thankful for the one who came to me on Monday. I'm so thankful for the ones who have emailed me with their dates of availability and asked me to make sure I can see them... I'm so damned thankful for the early mid-week miles... I'm thankful for the one who called me with the job offer, saying wonderful things about why he'd thought of me.

Because at the end of the day, clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

And I'm working on it. And I'm there. And I'm working on it. But I am so there.

And to those who tried to railroad me along the way? Fuck you.

:D

Taking Back My Memories...

There's this line in "Gives You Hell" where he sings "You can take back your memories, they're no good to me!"

And while I loved that song pretty passionately after the breakup with HRT, I'm kind of over it.

I sent someone a gift recently... I didn't really plan to buy a gift, but when I found it, I knew I had to send it... And I agonized over the perfect wrapping paper, and the perfect card... And I was thrilled with the finished result... I remember laughing with joy as I cut the wrapping paper to size... I put Light and Love into addressing the bubble envelope... I had fun with it.

Two days ago, I checked my PO Box for the first time in several days... There were several things in there... I sorted them at the counter, asking the kidlet to throw the junk mail away... There were a few envelopes with hand-written addresses. One was from the recipient of that gift. One was from DebuTaunt's parents... And one had Zoe's name in the return address spot.

I knew I had to open them right then and placed them in order from least to greatest importance... Zoe's would be last.

The first was the thank-you card for that gift. I tore open the envelope, expecting some kind of acknowledgement of how perfect the gift was, how thoughtful, how it would hold a treasured place in their home.

Yeah. That's not what I got. It was a pre-printed card, signed "Thanks, The Recipient"

Wow.

And then I opened the cards from DebuTaunt's family... And the words... Written by someone who had just lost their CHILD... And to take the time to tell me that something I had sent more than three months ago had made it to Deb's hospital room... That it had sparked conversation among her visitors... That she had actually touched it...

I sobbed. Right there, just crying... And the kidlet came over and hugged me and patted me and said, "I'm sorry you're sad, Mommy." And I smiled through my tears and said, "I'm not, Baby... I'm so thankful for these..." (OF COURSE the card sent on Zoe's behalf had butterflies all over the front!) and I held up the cards that mattered...

And then I asked him to throw away the other card. Because while I may be a sentimental girl, and the person who sent it used to be someone whose notes I treasured, I'm actually over it. I didn't waver when he said, "Throw away the card?"

And he did.

And I held the cards from DebuTaunt's family close, gathered up the rest of the mail and came home...

But the thought had entered my mind, "I spent all of this time and energy putting that together, and it didn't matter to them??? Well, pish. Maybe I shouldn't have done it..."

The next thought was, "Wait a second. I was joyful when I did it. I laughed and had fun. Why should their reaction take away from my memory of joy?"

And then I was glad again. Because there could be a thousand reasons why they didn't take the time to say something more. And 999 of those reasons probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.

So, I took back my memory. Because it WAS good to me.

And then I decided to take back some other memories...

Those girls. (I know I'm harping on an old subject. But it's summer... And the last two summers were all caught up with them...)

One of them deleted every photo of me from a website that was supposed to represent all of us... Erased my existence from those experiences.

Which is fine.

But I still want to be joyful about the wonderful times we did share before everything changed...

I still want to remember the way the moon looked that night as we listened to the music at that concert... I want to remember how we made a circle around the IBFF as she peed in the parking lot... I want to remember Island's. And the BGSC. And how they were there for my Ultra. I want to remember being wrapped in a blanket on my dad's couch as I sobbed. I want to remember crying at CEC because I had finally shared my most humiliating moment.

And HRT... How wonderful to be able to remember that night that we hung out with K at my dad's... The laughter the neighbors on the next block could probably hear... When L banned me from speaking at her wedding (she says she was kidding. I have my doubts. LOL), and she mentioned an inside joke created that night at my dad's, I was able to smile when I remembered how HRT had laughed so hard and threw his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

Just because he became a lying, cheating, thieving asshole later doesn't mean that that wasn't a wonderful moment.

So, I can let them pretend I never existed... Because even though I would never want to be in the same room with them again, there was a time when they mattered to me... When they brought me joy...

So, they can rewrite our history. I won't. Because it's MY history. And there were beautiful, wonderful, horrible, amazing, moments. And they made me who I am today.

So, I'm thankful for that.

My List of Three...

My last post was 9 days ago...

And the lessons I learned that day have stuck so far... One day, I will explain the magic that happened that day... But for today, know this:

Each morning, I think of a List of Three... Three things for which I am grateful. I take a moment to write down my List of Three... And I keep that List nearby. Usually in my pocket. And when something threatens to get me off-course, I pull out my list. And I read it to myself. And it makes me smile.

People I see on a daily basis have noticed. And commented. I am different.

I am anti-baggage. I've actually managed to cut some of it loose... Shocking, I know. But I am at peace. I've said my piece, and I'm moving past it. I'm driven to achieve my newest goals. I've spent time with someone with whom I was, shockingly, comfortable. And it was with this kickassedness, that I approached everything else last week. And a kind stranger even asked me out to dinner. Wow. I must be putting off more positive vibes.

And awful stuff happened. One student's dad died last week. And I was sad for him. But I couldn't stop smiling at the students who were still in my classroom... And another student lost a young cousin in a random accident. And, again, I was sad for him. I cried with him. And I smiled at the rest.

And I was sick this weekend... Like, called my friend from the toilet, sick. To tell her I couldn't make our run on Saturday. Because I had them. Ugh.

But I was still smiling. And in a good place.

And there was this loveliness of a day where I was hanging with the kidlet and then met up with two amazing and beautiful women with whom I had connected through an Angel... And they lit a fire under me and got me thinking about a future and I actually took the steps to move forward in something that could be big (more to follow as it comes to fruition!)...

And it was with happiness and excitement that I wrote my list of three for today... And because I didn't have pockets in today's pants, I left the actual list at home, but kept the three close to my heart:

1. S & D, who got me to get on that website and start it...

2. M, who called to see if I was okay after last night's earthquake.

3. My new bracelet. (It reads "spreadgoodvibes")

Yesterday's list included DebuTaunt. And her imminent end... I was grateful that she would soon be at peace...

And today, I told my students that she would die today. How I knew, I don't know, but I knew she wouldn't make it through today.

And then I saw her sister's post. "Debby Greer-Costello, mother, daughter, sister, blogger and fan-f_ckin'-tastic friend passed away peacefully this morning surrounded by love."

And I stood in my classroom, watching my students copy some notes from the Elmo, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. And one of my girls noticed, and asked why I was crying... And I told her. And she was nice about it. They all were, actually. It was weird. These are 8th graders. Probably the most self-centered age ever. But they were kind to me today.

And during the last hour with them after lunch... We laughed. One student caught me giggling when I read the oh-so-sensitive response from JC, and we talked about how humor has always been a coping mechanism of mine. I admitted that I was the girl who was leaving the hospital with her dad an hour after her mom died and said to him, "So, we'll get you into a grief group, find you a nice widow..." This is my humor. ::shrug:: It helps me deal with shitty things like my friend dying. My friend who was the one I thought would beat it.

And right after they left, I got the call that my son was sick. Had thrown up at school.

I grabbed my stuff and left.

The poor kid was pretty much covered in puke. He was resting quietly when I got there and I trundled him into the car and he proceeded to puke pretty much the entire way home.

Got him upstairs and into the bath and he was already feeling better...

And then I became that mom whose ex- comes over to her place to hang out with the kid while she takes the car to get de-puked at the car wash place. The boys hung out while I got stuff done, and while I was out, I still found myself smiling.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not NOT feeling this. I'm crying. Hard. I wanted to go for a run, but didn't get the chance. And am trying to not go make myself a big ice cream sundae.

But I think that because I'm free from the other baggage that I can focus on this and all the positive stuff too.

And while it fucking sucks that there's an 8-year-old girl out there who doesn't have her mama anymore, I am all the more grateful that there is a 6-year-old boy in the next room who does. And she's teaching him this gratitude thing.

Light and Love... x3.

RIP, DebuTaunt. Your assignment, dear DebuTaunt, is to Rest in Peace. You've earned it.

Sweetest of dreams. Tomorrow's list will be a bit longer than three.