Well, speak of the devil...

In my last post, I mentioned something about When I decided to stay away from the one who needs me to stay away, there was no closure... No conversation in which we mutually decided to stop speaking. Nope. There was just me. Deleting the phone number from my phone. Cutting the internet ties. And then... Nothing. And while a conversation would have given me something to reflect upon later, I don't think it would have been as positive as it could have been. So, I just left it. And I'm mostly pretty peaceful about that.

So, that was yesterday.

And last night I'm out for a wonderful meal with a dear friend, I got this weird text. I totally thought it was a facebook update... What with the string of numbers and all.

Um, yeah. Not quite. Turns out that string of numbers was from a phone number that my phone doesn't recognize... Because I'd deleted it.

And it was this disgusting text about something he was freaking out about... Including intimate details that he really shouldn't have ever shared with anyone outside of his marriage. Especially another woman.

Ugh. Ew. Ew. Ew.

And while it was tempting to respond with something along the lines of, "Yeah, well, I've been laid off and I've got some health stuff going on, so your problems with your wife are not exactly high priority on my list right now," I didn't.

I just told him that this was not my problem.

And he responded moments later. And I didn't respond.

And I giggled to CoffeeLady about how I took the ball from where it sat in my court and ran inside with it and hid it.

This brings me joy.

Because this person used to have a pretty fierce grip on me and the ol' self-esteem. And his opinion of me really mattered. He really mattered.

But now he grosses me out.

Whoa.

ClaRiTy.

I got my closure. This was just validation that I can be done and stay done. Because I made a decision to stay away and I am doing it. I'm totally doing it.

Z's asking today if there's any such thing as coincidence.

Um, no.

So, right now I'm sending some extra L&L to a woman and a kid that I've never met. And, I suppose, to him, too. Because I really do want them to be happy together. Because that's what they promised to do.

And I refuse to be a party to anybody else's marital issues.

Oh, and I totally wasn't going to blog this. I was going to keep it under my hat (but on top of the pigtails with the matching rubber bands! LOL!)...

But then I saw that she wrote about how I helped her without even realizing I helped her... Because I'd written something that spoke to her.

So, maybe this will speak to someone, too.

::shrug::

Light and Love... Peace... ClaRiTy... Zen.

From up here on that damned high road... Again. Eesh. LOL!

The Language of Goodbye...

It wasn't until moments ago that I realized every word I'd said was more true than I'd thought...

I burned a bridge recently... And when I say I burned it, I mean there is nothing but ashes... And no phoenix is going to rise from these...

I tend to do things in a big way... I would do some irreversible thing and then weeks or months later try to reverse it.

But something's different now.

When I decided to stay away from the one who needs me to stay away, there was no closure... No conversation in which we mutually decided to stop speaking. Nope. There was just me. Deleting the phone number from my phone. Cutting the internet ties. And then... Nothing. And while a conversation would have given me something to reflect upon later, I don't think it would have been as positive as it could have been. So, I just left it. And I'm mostly pretty peaceful about that.

There was definitely closure with some of the girls from last summer. Horrible, awful things spewed about on the internet. Made it pretty easy to say goodbye.

There's never been any kind of closure with HRT. And there never will be. Just this peace in knowing he is out of my world forever. Which is exactly how it should be. What difference would it make if he admitted to me that he knew he was horrible? That he stole? That he cheated? That he lied? Would I feel any better about it? There were many months in which I thought I couldn't "move on" unless I heard those things from him. But I know he did all of those things whether he can admit it or not. And for the last several months, I've just felt a sense of gratitude that he's out of my world... And that he doesn't live anywhere near me so I'll never randomly run into him! :)

The greatest gift I ever got from my first boyfriend was the day he stepped up, months after our breakup, admitted to my face that he'd raped me, and apologized to me. Such a gift...

I'm getting off-topic.

This bridge I burned... A bridge I've crossed and re-crossed and almost crossed since I was a teenager...

When I told him goodbye, I explained that we were poisonous to one another's relationships... Because he's in one, now. And his girlfriend, for whatever reason, doesn't want to meet me.

And I'm good with ex-boyfriend's girlfriends. I'll never forget an ex picking me up to go hang with his family, and his new girlfriend and I couldn't stop giggling together. She was an awesome girl. And she could tell within five seconds that I wasn't into her boyfriend. (Years later, I would get to meet his wife, and she and I went off for ice cream together. Without him. And it was all good.)

But for some reason, this seems different. Of course, it's probably that she's weird (don't get me started. I don't think this is a good match for many reasons, but I'm glad they're together because it takes the pressure off of me to try to date him! (I know. I'm a coward in some ways, still...))

But when I actually reflected this morning, I realized that he has been poisonous to just about every relationship I've ever been in. I remembered as far back to that first boyfriend. Who didn't like that I hung out with this guy. And the ex-fiancee and I got in a huge fight the night of my high school graduation about him. (He probably would have picked another fight, but whatever.) There were several years when I didn't talk to him during my marriage because M wasn't quite comfortable with this guy hanging around...

And then we reconnected a few months before I met HRT... And while he stepped back during that relationship, HRT wasn't comfortable with me talking to him. And I stood up for him. And explained that he'd known about that friendship before we started dating, so it wasn't fair for him to place limitations on me... Ultimately, of course, HRT wasn't worth it anyway.

And in recent months, he and I got pretty close. Talking on the phone most days, texting regularly, emails... Especially when he started dating the new girlfriend... We still saw each other when I went home to visit and we had some of the most amazingly candid conversations... I can probably say that he is the only person I've never been able to lie to... And we had these incredibly intimate conversations. No, not about sex... But about things like God. And the Universe and stuff. Which, in my world, is far more intimate than anything sexual...

And then suddenly, it was gone. And I tried to be understanding... I mean, when people get involved in a new relationship, their friends tend to take a backseat. I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but it's just how it is...

But then when I would hear from him, I would just jump right back in, like it was no big deal... And then hear nothing for weeks...

I'd pretty much written him off when I got a random text. And we texted back and forth consistently that day... Until I mentioned I would be in town the following week.

No response.

For, like, a whole DAY. (Which, in my world, is a long time, especially when he'd been texting me within 3-4 minutes all day.)

And it just felt icky. I felt like maybe he really hadn't told his girlfriend about me and that he was only communicating with me when she wasn't around. And I'm not actually okay with that.

Of course, it turns out I was wrong in my assumptions. Because when I called him the next day, she was there.

But I told him I didn't like where our friendship was and that we should probably call it quits.

Now, let me be clear... There are many people with whom I am perfectly comfortable with the ebb and flow of a friendship. Sometimes we're not as close and other times we're closerthanthis... But not with this person. Because I've never had to censor myself with him, and I am not okay with feeling like I have to censor... Like there are, suddenly, limits. When there haven't been for the 17 or so years we've known each other... Because even when months or years would go by without talking, we could always pick up where we'd left off...

And I really thought that this time, we'd just be able to be friends for always... I really did. He created the cover for my first novel, for crying out loud. That, to me, means forever friendship.

But I guess it didn't quite mean the same to him... Even though he'd already made a point of offering to do the cover of the next book...

At the end of the day, his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with him seeing me. She was okay with him texting and talking to me. But not okay with ever meeting me.

Well, I'm not okay with those limitations. So, I'm done.

And I called him that day and told him that. And he was all shocked. And I understood I'd blindsided him, so I told him that he should talk it over with the girlfriend and if he decided he wanted to talk further, I would talk to him the next day.

I deleted his number by noon. And at 8 that night he called. Trying to change my mind. Telling me that my friendship mattered a lot. That I'm important to him.

And I firmly told him that his girlfriend mattered more and that I'm okay with that. That we are poisonous to each other's relationships, so I will step away. That I'll miss him, but that I will be okay. And so will he. And to just let it go.

And I actually didn't make a huge thing out of it. I kept the conversation short. And then it was done.

And when we hung up, I cried a little. Because it's sad to lose a friendship. And for about thirty seconds, asked myself, "What is wrong with me that she doesn't want to even meet me?"

And then realized how stupid that sounded. This is about HER. She's the one with whatever insecurities that she can't handle meeting me. So, this actually isn't about me. Because if she spent five seconds with me, she would see that I'm fantastic (And also that I have ABSOLUTELY no designs on her boyfriend!), but that's her loss...

See how much I'm growing?

Well, mostly.

TheRaPist asked me a tough question the other day... And told me to reflect for awhile before blogging it and asking for feedback from my friends...

Which I've done... So, here it is:

On the one hand, you know you kick ass. That you're a wonderful person... You don't need validation when it comes to that...

But there are certain aspects of your life where you crave validation... And you get down about yourself when you don't get it...

Why is that???

I'm pretty sure I know why that is... And I need to get to a place where I don't need that validation... I need to know that I matter even when I don't hear it.

But sometimes it feels like I'm lying to myself... "No, you really did matter even if that season is over", or whatever.

I need to maybe take the ball back and lob it again instead of just leaving it in someone else's court. Because I know that even when things are spelled out for certain people, they still won't "get it".

Hmmm...

Maybe these things have nothing to do with each other. But in my mind, maybe I was hanging onto that friendship because I was getting the intimacy of a relationship without actually having to SEE the guy. Haha.

Because, for the first time in a very long time, I find myself interested in someone who actually lives fairly close to me... And I think he might know it. And even though one person told me he's totally blowing me off, two others have told me that he's not. That I have to give him a few more chances to actually blow me off before taking it as a blow-off.

And I've been stubborn and not wanting to give him those opportunities. But maybe I should go ahead and put in a bit of an effort.

Hmmm... Maybe I will...

But only after spending this beautiful day with my amazing little boy...

Weaning.

I'm quitting caffeine again.

But I'm weaning this time. No cold turkey crap. Uh-uh.

CoffeeLady hooked me up with some good decaf. And for two days, I've put some decaf beans into the grinder along with a few fewer regular beans.

No headache yet. (::knock on something::)

I didn't drink soda yesterday and went to bed at 10 and slept for the whole night.

I had a Cherry Dr Pepper this afternoon. Because I had lots of writing to do. And here it is, nearly 11, and I am wide awake... Thinking a glass of Syrah and a square of dark chocolate is in my future...

I had a midday TheRaPy session today.

And I told Therapist all about how I dipped my toes in the water last weekend. Went out dancing. With about 8 couples. Half of whom are friends with M. And I tested my boundaries and figured out what they are. And the husbands watched out for me, and I had fun and I didn't ever feel uncomfortable.

Well, until I had stuffed 7 people into my vehicle which seats 5. And I was the only sober one. With four drunk people in my backseat yelling directions at me. All of which were different. But I got them all home safely, and that is what mattered...

I had a long phone conversation with half of a couple that we used to hang out with often... I knew I would lose this couple in the divorce. And I was sad, but realized I can really afford to be generous. I have far more friends than he does. So, the ones that he needs, I can let go... Even if I am sad about it.

But I did get to have a conversation with her... And it was lovely. Just like old times. And we did touch upon the subject of the last year and a half when they kind of dropped me. And we were candid and it was okay.

I hadn't realized she was such the intuitive sort... She tends not to share that, apparently, because most people don't "get" it. And, for some reason, she felt safe enough to share that with me. LOL.

I said something about how when M and I first started actually talking about our issues, he would get angry with me for saying I'd been unhappy for six months, "when it's really only been six weeks!"

But it had actually been much longer than even just six months... And she said that she'd sensed something at least two years before we came out and said something. But she'd been afraid to ask. Afraid to open that can...

But that was validating.

And as I'm in the middle of pulling down the MySpace bloggage (don't worry. I'm putting it elsewhere. Stay tuned.), and re-reading most of it, it's really hitting me... I'm scared to read them all... Because I'm scared I'm going to see where it all began.

And I told my therapist that I'm pretty sure I remember when I realized I wasn't happy. I remember the blog I wrote that day. I haven't gone back that far yet, but I know it's there.

Yesterday I got as far back as one year ago... What an eye-opener.

And today, I went back a few months before that... To when Laiken died... And I found comments from DebuTaunt... (I've been waiting to cry for hours, and now it's finally happening. Phew!)

But more than that... I'm finding comments from people who just two months later decided they hated me... Comments telling me how much they loved me, how proud of me they were. Thanking me for bringing Laiken into their world...

I found reminders of how much they cared about me (or pretended to, anyway)... How supportive and wonderful they were during Mother's Day of last year.

And even though some of those accounts are gone, I found responses written to certain people. And those responses reminded me of things that were said back then... Funny, wonderful things.

Okay, taking a deep breath.

Reminding myself of what a wise woman recently told me (and a few others. LOL!):

clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

I am clear about what we shared at one time. And clear about how it is no longer available (either to me or from me!). I am truly thankful for the memories, and thankful that those poisonous people are out of my life...

Therefore...

:)

I've got so many windows open it's not even funny. I'm working on three different writing projects right now. Expressing it. Feeling it. Writing it out... And maybe it'll turn out to be something big.

My IBFF came to see me on Monday. And we drank Cherry Dr Pepper at my new table. And I remember how a year ago, I was racing to the group nearly every week... And now the ones that matter are making a point of coming to me from even farther away.

Okay, I just stopped and re-read that last sentence about eight times.

Because it really hit me.

The ones that matter are making a point of coming to see me from even farther away. Proving to me, unprompted, that I matter to them.

Thank you, ladies.

I am so damned thankful for those people who have made me feel wanted and loved, especially in the most recent days.

Being unemployed for the first time since I was 14 is a strange sensation.

But I find myself feeling this detachedness (if that's not a word, I'm claiming it!) when people say things like "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Because right now it just is what it is. I'm not feeling like the sympathy is what I need.

And I was proud of myself for not laughing in the face of the one who said, "Try to stay strong and positive..." And loved when V said, "has she MET you???"

But, apparently, what I do need is to feel wanted and loved.

And so many of my loved ones have done that for me... I am so thankful for the one who wrote to me to ask me again to come out on Saturday. I'm so thankful for the ones who insisted we come stay with them. I'm so thankful for the one who came to me on Monday. I'm so thankful for the ones who have emailed me with their dates of availability and asked me to make sure I can see them... I'm so damned thankful for the early mid-week miles... I'm thankful for the one who called me with the job offer, saying wonderful things about why he'd thought of me.

Because at the end of the day, clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

And I'm working on it. And I'm there. And I'm working on it. But I am so there.

And to those who tried to railroad me along the way? Fuck you.

:D

The handbasket is purple... With spangly things hanging down.

If I believed in hell, I'd definitely have my non-refundable ticket there...

Something big is about to happen... I can just feel it. And I'm excited about it.

I've been in such an amazing place that even when I did not get confirmation that I'd have a job next year, I cried for a few moments and got over it. Got excited about the next thing... Which was an amazing trail run that evening.

And later that night, more validation.

I'm seeing the connections between people, and being all the more grateful for the horrible ones because they taught me something, too... Or brought someone wonderful into my world.

Minutes after blowing through the finish line, I realized the ABC was gone. The necklace was still around my neck, but the ABC was gone.

First thought: Guess I didn't need that anymore.

Second thought: I wonder who is the person who will find it and what it will bring to them...

Third thought: Oh, but I really liked that, and am somewhat bummed to not have it now.

Whoa.

Apparently, I'm ready for whatever happens next... Even though all kinds of references to the HRT are popping up... And far too many mallards for it to be a coincidence. LOL. Something is coming... And I'm anticipating it with glee...

And then tonight, because I'd pulled up the BGPs last week and done the right thing, I allowed myself a few moments to lurk...

And I saw something beautiful... A reference that someone's karma has come back to bite her in the ass... And I know I shouldn't feel all gleeful about it, but the questions she is asking of herself are somewhat shocking to me... Because I've never been able to understand how someone can spread so much poison to others and expect it never to return...

And there I was... Sobbing on the kitchen floor last year because of the things she'd said and done... And here I am now, happy, healthy, content... And someone has obviously done to her something similar to what she did to me...

And I didn't have to do a thing... I had just sent Light and Love and shit, and she's all crying now...

And I'm trying really, really hard to feel sorry for her... And maybe I will tomorrow... But for now I am going to revel in the imperfection that is me... Because I know that I did the right thing back then, and doing nothing now is also the right thing... And I don't owe her anything. I don't owe her sympathy. I don't owe her kindness. I owe her nothing.

Except gratitude... For being the awful person that she was... Because it made it all the easier to cut her out of my life back then... And I'm grateful for the validation now...

I actually snorted with laughter... And it's still bubbling up in my chest...

And I'm also grateful for the letter I received... The validation that someone saw the good in me so many years ago... He saw something in me that I have only recently begun to really embrace... And I am grateful for that.

And I can't stop laughing... As I told my students the other day, "There comes a time when you have to stop pointing the finger at everybody else and take a good hard look at yourself..."

Maybe somebody should tell her that...

But not until tomorrow...

Because tonight, I'm enjoying the entertainment.