I'm the one your husband warned you about...

I got a text from a dear friend the other night... Stating that she had "failed [her] first test of independence."

Her car had broken down. And she ended up calling her husband to pick her up.

I told her she wasn't a failure. That she had actually succeeded in this particular test. Because she still managed to solve her problem. So what if she needed to lean on the guy she's moving away from?

I called the husband for so many things in the months after I moved out. And I probably still would if it was a car issue.

Or would I? I do have AAA. That's what that's for.

I called my gramma on my way to work yesterday... And told her how lucky I was that I didn't have to change schools and move all of my stuff... She asked me if I would have called my husband to ask him to help me move my stuff.

And it hit me that I'd never even considered that.

Not once during that week had I considered asking him for help with that.

Of course, I'd had this little fantasy that Leon would volunteer to come help me with my stuff, but I never even gave him that chance.

I guess I just figured I'd do it myself. Or maybe I knew it wouldn't end up being an issue.

I told my friend to get AAA. Then she won't have to call him if she doesn't want to.

This is probably why he didn't want her to see me when she had the chance. He knows I kick ass and doesn't want for her to. Because he's losing her. Another girlfriend's husband thought she was having an affair... With me. Because that's the only reason he could fathom that she would want to leave him.

Yes, I am the friend that your wife can talk to about wanting to leave you. Because I'm the one who finally did it. And that scares the shit out of you. Because she's growing and changing and you can't keep up. But instead of trying to make yourself better, you just tell her to stay away from me. Because I'm the "bad influence". That zen-shit scares the crap out of you. Because you're defenseless against it. But that's your choice. Be a better man. I'm only influential because you're not.

I was nervous about going to work yesterday. Luckily, the prunes had done the trick and I didn't have THAT to worry about.

But my RealFriend doesn't work there anymore. And I had that whole "who will I sit with?" thing going on on my way in.

I shouldn't have worried. Several people approached me with hugs and told me they were so glad I am back... When the principal made the introductions and announcements first thing during the (FIVE-HOUR! UGH!!) staff meeting, I stood to a round of applause when he explained that I am back as of two days earlier. That felt good.

And my team is great. The mathematics chair is freaking brilliant and I am beyond thrilled about working with him. I believe I will become an even better teacher working with him. I have so much to learn!

I ended up going to grab lunch with a colleague during the 15 minutes I had between the staff meeting and my department meeting. He opened the door to his convertible, and we talked fast to catch up. Fred (not his real name, of course) is an older guy with whom I bonded last Fall. The first thing he said to me when he saw me that morning was "I miss your brownies!" I used to bring brownies to our department meetings. Even though I won't see him often this year, I'll make sure to leave him one every now and then.

Anyway, he's an awesome guy. Very intelligent. And while we have wildly different views on all things politics and religion, we're very respectful of one another and get along really well...

So, he started telling me about this woman he's dating... And, of course, I got to thinking about Leon. And how we totally had such a great time when we were together, but that when we weren't together, I didn't know if he was thinking about me or not. And how I am still thinking about him, caring about him, hoping he's happy. Believing in him.

And later I reflected... About how certain things he said to me had me re-writing some of my history... In a painful, yet cathartic, way. And I'm grateful for that.

And then this morning... When I took the kidlet to our favorite restaurant in his town, and then out to shop... We went to a store that he told me about on that amazingly fortuitous day when we shouldn't have run into each other, but did... And next door to that shop is the shop that is now my favorite... I could get lost in there for hours... And today, I nearly did.

I finally found the wall art for my dining area. They're these amazing and funky paintings that are hung by ribbons. They say things like "Begin" and "Imagine" and "Believe" and "More joy and metaphor". And one Emily Dickinson quote "dwell in possibility". And one by Eleanor Roosevelt: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

And they're in these beautiful blues and pinks and reds. And the women who work there were so helpful. Their energy was amazing and they both asked me to come back with photos of the finished product.

I'd thought I'd put up pictures of things like coffee. Or wine.

And yet, these are perfect. And cost probably half of what I might have spent.

To think I never would have found that place if I hadn't run into Leon in that bookstore on that day when we shouldn't have.

So, of course, he was, again, on my mind when I drove away today... And I remembered that conversation with DM (the other DM... LOL!)... When he told me I was overdue for being selfish... And how that set me off on the path of doing the first selfish thing I'd ever done... And everything that came after put me here.

And I realized that I was truly unselfish, once again, when I was with Leon. I didn't ask much of him. And I realized that, yes, he did think about me when we were together. He did show me he cared. I don't know if he's brave enough to really figure it out down the line. But I know we didn't have what Fred and his lady have. (And he's been seeing her about the same amount of time.)

I'm reminded that it's probably a timing thing. And maybe ours just won't mesh.

And it was okay to think about this stuff when I was with my wonderful boy... Who thanked me for my patience in helping him navigate the button on his shorts and allowed him to practice several times before leaving for breakfast... And who thanked me for buying him breakfast. My son has just been such a gem this summer. I'm so sad that our fun summer times have come to an end...

Which leaves me in this funk tonight. While I will be glad I stayed home when the alarm goes off at 5:00 tomorrow morning, I'm kinda blue tonight...

I feel like I'm back at Square One. Tabula Rasa. Which should be a good thing...

But I remember back when I had a SomeOne in my world. I didn't have to worry about being alone on a Saturday night.

But right now, once again, I don't. And if I hadn't said the things I said on Monday, maybe I wouldn't be alone right now. But if I hadn't said those things on Monday, I wouldn't have had that amazing Tuesday night with my girlz. And I wouldn't have traded that for anything.

So, I'll try to embrace this. Knowing that I may have accidentally burned a bridge or two during this period of Leon. But if that's true, then I have to just look at it as clearing the pathway to my heart. Because I really do have so much love to give... And it's hard on a night like tonight when my little boy is with his dad.

So, it's cracking a little... Hopefully to let the Light in.

Growth is the New Black.

And, whoa... Am I decked out or WHAT?!?

On the way home from an incredible 24 hours of spoiling the hell outta my son, I had this moment of ClaRiTy that had me breathless, sobbing so hard (of the snot-bubble kind) that I finally pulled over so that I could just breathe... But it was a totally good thing.

Not long after posting that last blog, Leon did call me back. And I did break things off with him. And it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I explained to him that I understand that he's not really in a place where he can consider being in a relationship. And that I see too much potential for it between us to let us fall into something that wouldn't be good. He's got SO MUCH on his plate right now. And I know myself. I can't let myself be the girl to try to help him figure it out. He has to figure it out on his own.

And maybe when he does, he'll realize that I am utterly fantastic and he'll be in a place to try again with me.

And maybe not. But I'm still a hopeful girl! Haha.

He thanked me, actually. For bringing certain things to his attention. And he was really nice and really understanding. Seemed relieved when I told him I'm still his friend and will still see him as I always have, just not with the regularity and planning that we have been.

Did I want him to give up on me so quickly? Um, no. But am I glad that he knew he wasn't right for me right now and let it go easily? Yeah. I guess I actually am...

And that's where the growth has apparently come in...

I'm not taking this one personally.

And this morning I realized that I pulled the exact same thing with HRT last year... Right before school started last year, I broke things off with him. Because I was on Situation Overwhelm at that time.

When I wondered if that's what I'd done here, I realized quickly that it's completely different.

And in the interest of not being a hypocrite, I actually took my novel with me to the magical place where I spent a night with my son and after he went to sleep, I started reading. Making notes. Editing.

Finally.

Maybe that's what this whole thing was about. Because there were moments when I wondered if everything that happened in the last two years was to get me ready for Leon. I keep thinking I want to write about all of those signs. And maybe I will.

But maybe all those signs that pointed to Leon were just to make him be the messenger (through myself!) that I need to actually finish the damn novel. Get it ready. Publish the hell out of that thing.

Who knows?

But it's a start.

But this afternoon... After a day when HRT kept popping up into my consciousness (effin' BlackBerry!!!)...

I'm not the same person I was when he walked into my world. I'm not the girl who is so desperate to be loved that I was willing to throw myself back into the fray of his uncommunicativeness (if it's not a word, it is now. Shut up.)...

Because by this time during the breakup with HRT, I was already talking to him again.

And this afternoon, when I wanted to call Leon, I didn't. When I considered writing to him to tell him that I believe in him and all he wants to accomplish, I didn't. When I considered whether or not I will call him to tell him about the job I choose, I still don't know. Maybe he'll find out like everybody else does. On Facebook.

Because that's when it hit me.

I was right about the risk this time. This time, I didn't lose my best friend. I didn't get into something that wouldn't work out and then lose everything.

Because HRT had been my best friend for two years before we started dating. And when we broke up, I lost that completely. Yes, it's probably better that my eyes are open and someone like him is no longer in my world. And there were moments recently when I regretted having dated him and lost our friendship. Because I didn't need to know that he was a liar. I didn't want to know that he was a cheat. I certainly didn't need to know that he was a thief.

I'd been perfectly happy in my little world with the cute little picture he'd painted.

But this time, I actually got to know someone who is amazing and wonderful and kind and generous.

He's just not for me right now.

And I realized that even in these weeks when we were dating ("seeing each other"? I don't know. He wasn't my boyfriend, but we were spending time together fairly consistently. Ish.), Leon still didn't get to my heart.

I said to my sister the other day that I tend to fall in love very quickly. Within weeks. Days. And I didn't fall in love with Leon. I might have at some future point, but I hadn't yet.

Not only that, I didn't really let him get to the heart of me. He didn't even know that I did that huge fundraiser the other night. The one that made me cry for hours. He didn't even know that I found out about a little honored hero being diagnosed with swine flu. And he was THERE when I found out! He didn't even know how badly I'd wanted him to be the one to break my celibacy streak.

Why didn't I tell him that stuff?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am different. I didn't screw up this time. I didn't put my trust in someone unworthy.

Because Leon IS worthy. He's a great guy. I still believe we could end up together at some point in the future.

But if we don't, I know I'm going to be okay... Because I'm attracting quality people these days... People who are worth knowing.

And I am so blessed by amazing girlfriends who decided to come celebrate with me tonight with a day's notice. We'll drink wine and toast the fact that I will have a job soon. That I don't have cancer. And I don't have a guy in my world who will stop me from being available to the one with whom I am supposed to be.

I've cleared the pathway to my heart... And like Cupcake said, I "deserve nothing less than someone who is absolutely crazy about and focused on" me. Maybe when Leon clears the clutter, it will be him. Or maybe it will be someone I haven't even met yet.

But I've learned so much about myself in the last few weeks. And I'm finally becoming proud of myself. Even when it hurts to let go, I'm joyous in knowing that I, apparently, can...

Onward and Upward, Groceries.