Because, apparently, I have some 'splainin' to do.

I wasn't trying to be a bitch. Honestly.

I'll explain about today, but first I want to make an observation.

Last year. November. Twilight. I went with TF. I had read the first two books at that point and then saw the first movie with TF. I was in the beginning stages of my breakup with HRT. And I was in agony over it.

Last night. November. New Moon. I went with TF. I've read all four books twice (but not recently) and then saw the second movie with TF. I am in the beginning (middle? end? LOL) stages of my breakup with Leon. And I'm in agony over it.

One major difference: I am not broken.

The situation with HRT is so much clearer now... I was such a mess that I was absolutely devastated by that breakup. Hell, I was such a mess that I got involved with that guy in the first place. He said he loved me early on and I totally fell for it. And it hurt so much to lose that. Of course, now I realize it wasn't love. On either of our parts. But it sure felt like it at the time.

And a year later... In the throes of this breakup... With a man I realize I love more and differently than any man I ever have before... And yet... I'm not broken like I was before. I hurt, sure. I cry, sure. (Today's the first day I haven't cried in a week. Mad skillz?) But I know that I am loved. By my friends. By my family. I know that I am worthy. Which, for some reason, a year ago, I doubted. And I do know that Leon loves me. And I'm pretty sure that his intentions for not being with me, while hurtful, are far more noble than HRT's reasons for not being with me.

And then there was today.

I've been somewhat ambivalent about this guy. We'd gone out three times already and decided to get together this afternoon to watch football. I was super-excited about this game and would have gone to watch by myself. Which would have made today turn out far differently, I'm sure.

The last time we had gone out was the day that I had called Leon to ask him to meet me the following week. Because I would be telling him I love him and shit. So, when I didn't particularly enjoy that date, someone told me I had been picking apart this guy because Leon had been on my mind. I wasn't certain that was the truth. But because Leon was an issue that day, I decided to give this guy another chance. Because maybe it was me that made him babble away about movies I'd never seen. And sports teams I don't follow. While I had thought the third date would get to a bit more of the nitty gritty, we didn't do that. And I called him out on it to an extent, but I was told not to give up on him because it could well be my own fault.

So, I met up with the guy for football today. We went to a favorite restaurant of mine and he asked me about New Moon last night. And I started to tell him my thoughts about the movie. And he interrupted me to tell me all about the reviews he'd read. But he hadn't seen the movie and he hasn't read any of the books. And I found that annoying. This morning, TF asked me if he reads. And I said he does, but not the kinds of stuff I read. This gave me pause. I left my husband because he doesn't read. I can't get involved with another guy who doesn't read. I just can't.

And then he was telling me about his evening on Friday night... And while he didn't come out and say it, I was 99% certain he'd been out on a date. Which doesn't bother me. I'm dating other people. But I think he should have come out and said it.

At halftime, the couple sitting near us left the bar and I asked if we could scoot over. That would leave me much closer to the television that was showing my game. So, we moved. And when I went to put my stuff down, this guy puts his hand on the barstool and says "This seat is taken." I stared at him because I was pretty sure he was full of shit, but his delivery was impeccable. We laughed and then sat down.

And this guy was talking to me way more than my date was. I had eaten a late breakfast with TF and her brother so I wasn't starving, but I shared an appetizer platter with my date. And then he got a meal. And then we shared dessert in the final quarter. We each got a drink (mine was cheaper since it was on draft. He drinks margaritas. Only.) and a soda.

So, "other guy" is asking me questions, getting to know me. Trying to draw my date into the conversation, but he wasn't having any of it. I was talking to "other guy", his friend, and the guy on the other side of them who was cheering for my team as well. "Other guy" graduated from my university. "Other guy" has a mom who is a teacher (and taught all over the continent!) and a dad who's a doctor. "Other guy" was quite clever and entertaining.

I kept reaching over to my date, placing my hand on his leg or rubbing his shoulder and he just wasn't responding. (Don't say it's because of "other guy". He'd been that way since I'd walked in.)

That was when I started wondering if it would be bad form for me to try to connect with "other guy". Exchange numbers or something. Not in front of my date, of course, but still. Something. Because I'm pretty sure my date isn't "the one". And I'm pretty sure he knows that too.

So, then I was really trying to ignore "other guy" because someone told me not to search for madness, heartbreak, and despair.

And then the bill came. And I offered to split it, fully expecting my date to insist upon paying more since he ate way more than I did. But, no. He let me split it. Which wasn't a big deal, but kind of the nail in the coffin for me. (He paid on our first date, and we've gone dutch, mostly, since. Or he's used gift cards to pay for most of whatever we did.)

Pretty sure "other guy" saw what happened. And he kind of made a face towards my date. Who didn't even notice because he was too enamored with the games.

As we got ready to go, my date went to wait for me outside as I went to the bathroom one last time. And "other guy" was totally going to the bathroom, too. He said, "I'm not following you," and I said, "Bummer."

I pee really fast, so I kind of dawdled, hoping I would run into him when I left. With my date outside, I could have been totally discreet.

But when I came out, I couldn't see "other guy". I walked slowly toward the exit and turned around at the last moment, and that's when I saw "other guy" walking out of the restroom. Crap. I didn't know where my date was, and I didn't know if he would have seen me already, so I couldn't exactly go back inside.

So, I met up with my date, and that's when "other guy" and his buddy walked out and passed us. We totally made eye contact, but there was nothing I could do. I walked with my date to his car so he could get a sweatshirt, and then he walked me to mine. He hugged me and kind of kissed me, told me he would totally distract me but that I needed to go home and write (not this blog. My novel. LOL). I'm just kind of thinking he's all talk and stuff, though. And I'm kind of over it.

And maybe it was bad form to start talking to another guy while I was on this date, but a connection is a connection. And I really enjoyed talking to that guy. Far more than I've enjoyed talking to this one. On any of our four dates.

::sigh::

Back to the drawing board, I guess. Well, I do still have a couple of other irons in the fire. Moving on...

RetroMama Kicks Ass.

I am feeling particularly kickass today. Well, not at this moment. But I did earlier this afternoon.

And yesterday.

A year ago, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. And I was in a bad place. I was in a place where I was about to get dumped by a guy who turned out not to be worth it anyway. My friends confiscated my technology, and got me kleenex when I burst into tears over the butterfly. I was fragile. Raw. And it would get a lot worse before it got better.

But yesterday, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. It was in a different venue. And it never even occurred to me until we were driving down there to wonder if I'd get to see some of the same people as last year.

The guest list was slightly different. Mostly cb's friends from school and extra-curricular activities. The family friends I'd hoped to see weren't there. I hung out with TF's folks and such. And as I sat there with TF's mom and cb's agent, I noticed CB's hot Cuban friend talking to him. Lovely. He doesn't have a kid. Why is he here? I haven't talked to him since two days after that amazingly hot kiss we shared several weeks ago... Which was after a wonderful couple of hours of him sobering up over coffee... Sharing confidences. But it wasn't the start of anything. It was just a moment. When I kissed him BACK. Contrary to what he continues to insist. Ugh.

A few minutes later, he approached us, hugging TF's mom, hugging me, saying hello... I pointed out the kidlet and said, "That one's mine. He does exist!" (Hot Cuban Friend had never actually met the kidlet, apparently.) They said hello and he went off somewhere else, and I got back to my conversation...

Awhile later, I approached HCF and CB and CB opened with "Is this going to be awkward? Should I leave so you guys can kiss?"

I laughed and as HCF and I embraced, I said, "I only kiss.... BACK..." And we all laughed. Awkward moment averted. Ish. LOL.

After dropping off the kidlet at his dad's (where I regaled the Ex with stories about explaining to the kidlet (in answer to his questions) that when the sperm comes out of his penis, it probably feels even better than when he has an erection, to which he replied with reverence... "Whoa... Cool!"), I headed home for a snack before driving to the theater where my uncle was performing. I went by myself. Because I can do that. With no problem.

I got home late, did some grading and slept in this morning.

And woke up in a major snit. Perhaps it was because I'd left my window open and what woke me was my neighbors talking really loudly, but there were other things that were getting to me too. TF got me calmed down via text, and once I wrote out my List of Three, I felt a thousand times better.

And then my Pea called... And we actually got to have a conversation that was longer than 5 minutes. And I was back in the game.

I went and got my oil changed. And no man (meaning The Ex or my Dad) had told me it was time. I just did it. And then I tried to shop for jeans, which was a bust, but I did manage to get a couple of cute tops.

And then I went to a bar/restaurant. To watch football. By myself.

And I sat down at the bar and ordered a cider (got carded, too! Whee!!) and some food and watched the game. And had conversations with strangers. And did a couple of fist bumps with the guy sitting two stools away. And we yelled and cheered (and my team won... Phew!), and I had a really good time.

And I hadn't ever done that before. I'd talked to IP about that. She totally does that kind of stuff by herself. And I never have. But I totally did. And I had a great time. I even stayed after my game ended to watch the end of another game that the chick next to me was into. Because she was so cool. And we chatted a bit and I told her how proud of myself I was that I was there by myself and how grateful I was to sit next to such cool people. She looked at me in awe and said, "I don't think I could ever do that. Just go by myself. That's really brave." And it hit me... That I was really brave...

Who is this RetroMama? This chick who goes to plays by herself? Who gets her oil changed without being told? Who goes to bars to watch football loudly? Who holds her own and can answer questions about what's happening with her favorite team?

Whomever she is... I kinda dig her.