Pulling an All-Nighter.

When I was in college, I worked in a nightclub. I made more money than I should have at the age of 22 by serving drinks in very little clothing... If I didn't work happy hour, my shift generally started at 9 or 10. I would nap before work and then get all cute for my shift. I rarely got home before 3:30 in the morning...

Last night I napped for about an hour in the early evening... And left at about 11:45 to drive out to where there was an UltraMarathon happening... I got there at about 12:30 and looked for LT. Turns out he was napping. He'd been feeling ill and was taking a break...

It ended up being better for me... By that hour, most people still on the course were walking... Just my speed... I was trying out my new Injinji socks (sorry about making you google, k2b!) under a pair of Wright socks. I wanted to try out my new headlamp... So, I did... I did a lap with a small group, and then jumped in with this guy who had just completed his first 50-miler ever. He'd never gone further than 36 miles, so every step he took was setting a new PR. I walked with him for several loops... He tended to slow down on his own.

I spent a lot of time in the barn, just watching, listening, helping out when I could, calling out encouragement to the smaller and smaller field of athletes... I learned so much about footwear, moleskin, socks, nutrition, gaiters, etc... It was overwhelming...

I had planned to just stay a couple of hours, but then LT woke up and seemed surprised that I was leaving "already"... (Hey, you were sleeping for the first two hours I was there! LOL!)... I stayed... I would have liked to see the finish, but I did get to see someone complete his 100-mile goal...

I ended up staying until I needed to leave to meet my Girlz for some swap meet fun... And I was loopy. Stupid. The Starbucks barista laughed at me because I couldn't seem to formulate the word "run". Yep. I was having difficulty articulating that little one-syllable word.

And I was sober.

I bought two pairs of trail shoes today. And another pair of street shoes. I'm testing out some new nutrition, and I'm going to mess with my socks on longer mileage and see what really works for me.

I am breaking every "race day" rule for tomorrow... Because 13.1 is just a training run. I'm trying out a few new things...

And I'm excited about finally getting to participate in tomorrow's race... For the last three years, I've been a spectator, a cheerleader. Tomorrow's my turn.

And another big race changed the date so that's major competition for my race. Which means all the potential cheerleaders for me won't be around. Because they'll be at the other race.... Which is cool. I was kinda bummed, but I'm just going to get out there tomorrow and see what I can do.... And then go hang with TF who actually got everything on my list. Whee!

I'm excited... I'm upping the mileage and feeling good so far... I'm going to be smart about this... Looking at race schedules... Wondering if I really need to try the Big Bear Marathon. (Elevation kills me, and the 50-miler isn't nearly the elevation I was worried about...) Hmmm... Maybe I should contemplate this after a good night's sleep... And a quick little race.... With a kick-ass playlist...

;)

And in the "eerie little connection" (aka "only in MY world", aka "OF COURSE!") genre:

The RD for last night's ultra showed me the beer that he'd stocked for those runners who completed 100 miles... It was from a brewery I know... In a town 75 miles away... Because it's next door to the coffeehouse where I completed my first novel.

As I was typing, I got word that LT completed 101 miles... And finished only 10 miles behind the winner... And that's with that 3-hour nap he took around midnight... (I was stunned at the sub-10s he was pulling at 4 in the morning!)... I congratulated him on getting his beer, which was, apparently, a surprise to him...

A hundred miles in 24 hours... Wow.

I don't think I'm THAT crazy... I'm only doing 50. In about 20 hours or so.

Okay, rambling. Need sleep. Goodnight.

Hey, if the glass slipper fits...

Cinderella.

I can't believe this woman tells anybody who'll listen how much it hurts her feelings that she's called a Stalker. Even my dad called her out on it when I gave him the proof. And she's still doing it. What I wonder (and must bow to the skillz she possesses that are far madder than mine) is how the fuck she found my secret blog? The one that only about five random people even have the address for.

Eesh.

I am reveling in the loveliness that is the week after.

I had forgotten that in my family, we don't flip out about milestone birthdays. Nope, we go one before. Dad's midlife crisis was at 39, not 40. I had a tough time at 24 (Oh, not going to reminisce about that one right now!), then at 29. Thirty was a breeze. I started training for my first marathon at 30. And everything since... Wow. Nope, I didn't have a problem with 30.

This one was not a milestone birthday. But after crying several times a day leading up to the day? I think that's what was getting to me. Because I am a big dork.

M had asked me a month earlier if I wanted to go out with him for my birthday. Just the two of us. And never followed up on it. Until I said something. Not expecting it to change. Just expressing that it bothered me. Quietly grateful for the reminder that this is something on which I had decided not to compromise. And that it was okay.

But then he asked. And we made a plan. And he followed through. And he actually suggested the restaurant. And wore a collared shirt. And smelled nice. And we had a nice time. And I'm not reading anything else into that.

But the actual day... With so many cards, emails, comments, etc... I was really touched by the messages of Light and Love from so many... And running into someone who no longer matters... It felt fucking fantastic to know damn well that I looked good, and felt good about myself, and when he asked me to call him, it felt so good to drive away, leaving him staring, knowing I'm done. That left me strutting.

And then I spent the evening with wonderful girlfriends who showed me how well they know me and how much they love me. I was crying over my gifts. So unexpected. So thoughtful. So wonderful.

I finally got some time in with k2b, which was wonderful. He doesn't understand that there was a time when I was having panic attacks from making eye contact with a man... It was right there towards the end of my time with the HRT. And I was a mess. And I'm not that person anymore. It feels good to be able to hold my head high again and to smile at a stranger and not freak out if they respond kindly. I am finding myself able to accept the smiles and hellos of strangers again.

I really appreciated the mileage with CoffeeLady. I loved feeling the effects as I went down three flights of stairs today.

It does bug me a little that I deleted a significant phone number and I don't think that person even knows it yet. It does bother me that it doesn't seem to matter to that person... It occurred to me today that with Mother's Day coming, I will probably hear something. I believe I am in a better place this year, and will not end up sobbing on the sidewalk.

I would like to know that my job is secure. That would be a lovely bit of knowledge. I am hopeful and confident, but it would be nice to have the proof.

When I spoke to the kidlet after visiting with k2b, I was impressed that he asked about my friend... And then told me to "drive safely home, Momma..." He just touches my heart.

I bought some new running clothes. A pair of pants in a size I haven't worn since I was 15 and anorexic. It was lovely to realize I'm healthy now.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.

I will, most likely, be in a relationship at some point in the future. But right now, it's actually nice not to be. I like hanging out with my kid, my girlfriends, my friends. And my friends who are boys. I am enjoying just being comfortable having conversations without thinking that they might be thinking about something more. Not that I don't wonder sometimes (Hey, I'm human, and I have attractive male friends!) if they are thinking about the possibilities... But I'm actually consciously burning bridges and breaking spells... And while it's a somewhat painful process, it is mostly okay.

I need a nap. Or maybe a Cherry Dr Pepper. Hmmm...

Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"

*sigh*

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...

A tizzy is not quite a tailspin.

Things are good. I'm not quite the spaz I was just a couple of months ago. Things still get to me (I'm still me!), but I am not quite the mountain-maker of molehills I was.

In this place, I don't have quite the OCD thing going that I did.

Back at the house, I would check and re-check the front door several times before I could go to bed. And if M wasn't around, I always left the tv on and fell asleep to it.

I don't even have a tv in my bedroom anymore.

And I'm not constantly checking my alarm 18 times before falling asleep. And then waking up to check it during the night.

I sleep better here. For the most part.

I miss my son madly. He left on Saturday and I didn't see him again until Tuesday. And by Tuesday morning, I was pretty down.

Luckily, my FB pals cheered me up. (FML, anyone???)

CoffeeLady said some things to me the other day that I've been pondering. And trying to cut ties. And being clear in my expectations and standiong up for myself.

But the Sundays I don't have T are hard. And when I worked on homework all friggin' afternoon late into the night, I was not thrilled.

And then I find myself processing it out... And talking more openly. And realizing that there are people in my world who came into it because, apparently, the appeal of a married woman was intriguing. And it seemed safe then.

And there are people in my world who say really tough things to me. Because I need to hear them. And I'm not feeling quite as fragile as I was. But I am still a bit.

K2B told me that he was surprised at how well I'm adjusting. He thought it would take me longer to find happiness being away from M. I guess things had simply gotten so uncomfortable there that anything would be better.

And I am so glad not to be with him anymore. I'm finding that he's not my closest confidante anymore. I haven't asked him to go to marriage counseling in more than a week. (I'd pretty much mentioned it every couple of days since before moving out.)

I'm still being really generous with him, though. I care about it. If T and I are going to dinner, I invite M to join us.

But then today... We had a conference with T's teacher. And I had assumed we'd go grab some food and discuss it with him. But M's mom was making dinner for them. Which she does all the time, apparently... Lucky boys to be living with his folks. But I'm not ever invited to do that.

*shrug*

Easter's not for a month, but I'm already sad about it. I wandered through the drug store this afternoon and stopped myself from buying stuff... I'll still probably get a few things for T, but I am not spending money on his cousins anymore... I used to really enjoy putting together the Easter buckets, though.

*sigh*

And I had just found out that a student I've been working hard with... He's a little punk. I don't particularly like him. But I've been consistent with him, trying so hard to help him. I found out today that he's in quite a bit of trouble... And I can't help but question if maybe we could have saved him if only.... If only... If only...

Then there's the matter of the soul mate. Not to be confused with the SoulMate, of course.

Sometimes I can't stand that people really get me and they encourage me to take a stand when I really think maybe I should just let stuff go... Let the next person worry about it... But, no. Apparently, I'm the one who's in the privileged position of saying the hard things...

So, I did.

And that got me all kinds of mixed-up.

Good thing I have TheRaPy tomorrow.

Because I'm not going into a tailspin over this stuff... I'm just going to work on my homework, get it done so I can play with IP this weekend for her birthday. Eat some dinner. And be grateful for the solitude.

Grateful for the solitude. Grateful for the solitude.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I love that I don't have to do my husband's laundry anymore?

*contented sigh*

I'm doing laundry now. And it's really so very easy here.

*grin*

Okay, dinner. Going now.