Hey, if the glass slipper fits...

Cinderella.

I can't believe this woman tells anybody who'll listen how much it hurts her feelings that she's called a Stalker. Even my dad called her out on it when I gave him the proof. And she's still doing it. What I wonder (and must bow to the skillz she possesses that are far madder than mine) is how the fuck she found my secret blog? The one that only about five random people even have the address for.

Eesh.

I am reveling in the loveliness that is the week after.

I had forgotten that in my family, we don't flip out about milestone birthdays. Nope, we go one before. Dad's midlife crisis was at 39, not 40. I had a tough time at 24 (Oh, not going to reminisce about that one right now!), then at 29. Thirty was a breeze. I started training for my first marathon at 30. And everything since... Wow. Nope, I didn't have a problem with 30.

This one was not a milestone birthday. But after crying several times a day leading up to the day? I think that's what was getting to me. Because I am a big dork.

M had asked me a month earlier if I wanted to go out with him for my birthday. Just the two of us. And never followed up on it. Until I said something. Not expecting it to change. Just expressing that it bothered me. Quietly grateful for the reminder that this is something on which I had decided not to compromise. And that it was okay.

But then he asked. And we made a plan. And he followed through. And he actually suggested the restaurant. And wore a collared shirt. And smelled nice. And we had a nice time. And I'm not reading anything else into that.

But the actual day... With so many cards, emails, comments, etc... I was really touched by the messages of Light and Love from so many... And running into someone who no longer matters... It felt fucking fantastic to know damn well that I looked good, and felt good about myself, and when he asked me to call him, it felt so good to drive away, leaving him staring, knowing I'm done. That left me strutting.

And then I spent the evening with wonderful girlfriends who showed me how well they know me and how much they love me. I was crying over my gifts. So unexpected. So thoughtful. So wonderful.

I finally got some time in with k2b, which was wonderful. He doesn't understand that there was a time when I was having panic attacks from making eye contact with a man... It was right there towards the end of my time with the HRT. And I was a mess. And I'm not that person anymore. It feels good to be able to hold my head high again and to smile at a stranger and not freak out if they respond kindly. I am finding myself able to accept the smiles and hellos of strangers again.

I really appreciated the mileage with CoffeeLady. I loved feeling the effects as I went down three flights of stairs today.

It does bug me a little that I deleted a significant phone number and I don't think that person even knows it yet. It does bother me that it doesn't seem to matter to that person... It occurred to me today that with Mother's Day coming, I will probably hear something. I believe I am in a better place this year, and will not end up sobbing on the sidewalk.

I would like to know that my job is secure. That would be a lovely bit of knowledge. I am hopeful and confident, but it would be nice to have the proof.

When I spoke to the kidlet after visiting with k2b, I was impressed that he asked about my friend... And then told me to "drive safely home, Momma..." He just touches my heart.

I bought some new running clothes. A pair of pants in a size I haven't worn since I was 15 and anorexic. It was lovely to realize I'm healthy now.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.

I will, most likely, be in a relationship at some point in the future. But right now, it's actually nice not to be. I like hanging out with my kid, my girlfriends, my friends. And my friends who are boys. I am enjoying just being comfortable having conversations without thinking that they might be thinking about something more. Not that I don't wonder sometimes (Hey, I'm human, and I have attractive male friends!) if they are thinking about the possibilities... But I'm actually consciously burning bridges and breaking spells... And while it's a somewhat painful process, it is mostly okay.

I need a nap. Or maybe a Cherry Dr Pepper. Hmmm...

Not quite the Skinemax rated blog we were hoping for.

So, my cousin set me up on a blind date. Sort of.

A couple of weeks ago, she and I decided to go see our uncle's play. And she asked me if it would be a girls' night or could she bring her boyfriend? I didn't get back to her before she asked me again and told me that she had a date lined up for me... Cute, but young. A friend of the boyfriend's. I wrote back "that's fine. Just tell him I'm expensive and I don't put out..." LOL.

I kind of forgot the whole thing until a couple of days before the play. We were hammering out details about dinner and she mentioned the date's name. And I pictured some short guy with red hair and freckles who looked like he's about 12 years old.

And then it hit me... Was this what the kids call a "blind date"? Asking a few friends, and a couple of my students... Who all agreed. This would be a blind date.

Great. Well, someone to practice on, right?

Anyway. Saturday morning, the cousin called.... Had I ordered tickets for the play? Um, no. Had she? We decided she should call our uncle and find out if we could still get in, but that we would still do dinner and perhaps a movie instead if we couldn't go to the play.

Ten minutes later, I got a text. That we were all set for the play, and BTW, C and E would be there. Um, you mean my ex-boyfriend's grandparents??? The ones who are practically like MY grandparents, but still might not know that I am getting divorced?

Wow. This would be fun.

Only in my world would anybody be going out on an unexpected blind date and go hang out with an ex's grandparents.

And that was when I got nervous. Ugh.

And of course the guy turned out to be adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. And, yeah, he looked like he's about 12. I was surprised that we actually had a lot in common, but we didn't really talk that much. He was busy catching up with my cousin's boyfriend and she and I kind of talked to each other, but we did hit upon politics, religion, the weather, exercise, etc... I was slightly miffed when he said something about "Thirteen miles? You should be able to do that in less than three hours..." Um, and how many half-marathons have you run, Mister?

I was having a good time, but not feeling any particular connection... Just enjoying being out with nice people and going to the theater... Did see the ex's family, but didn't really get into any introductions or anything... And then, of course, the ex's MOM came outside to greet me! (I stupidly hadn't thought that she would have been the one driving them to the theater!) I didn't want to be rude, but there was no way I was going to introduce her to the guy that had just figured out that I have a son... (He asked "does your son like climbing on stuff like we do?" I grinned and answered, "absolutely. He gets it from his mom...")

While we were in line, we kind of split off a bit. My cousin and her boyfriend were all snuggly in line and that left me and my "date" to chat. We were finally having a dialogue when his phone rang. He very nicely apologized for answering it, but it was, apparently, his buddy who had just broken up with someone the night before... My "date" had insisted that the guy stay at his place that night so he wouldn't have to stay with his now ex-girlfriend... (At dinner, I'd asked, "Oh, you mean when people break up, they're supposed to not live together for more than a year afterwards?" And we all laughed about that....) Anyway, the friend had, apparently, locked himself out of his house, and could my "date" go let him in? My cousin and her boyfriend joked that he should just let him sit there for a couple of hours and wait, but this guy is pretty nice (and I, apparently, wasn't interesting enough for him to want to stay) and so he left to go rescue his friend. It all happened very quickly, the leaving and such.

So, no, TG, I doubt that I will see him again (unless the cousin sets up another "date" for the next play! LOL!)... And that's totally fine... I did ask "So, he found out I have a kid and went running, huh?" My cousin insisted it had nothing to do with me and that it's just "something that happened."

So, we watched the play and hung out with my uncle and his friends for a bit afterwards, and then I came home, set the clocks, and went to sleep for a few hours.

Last time change, BlackBerry didn't automatically update. So, I changed the time and set my alarm. And, this time, BlackBerry did it itself and I ended up getting up an hour earlier than planned. Ugh.

But I got in some lovely mileage with Ari, and then CoffeeLady met us for coffee... Ari spoiled me with a huge bag of Its a Grind High Octane coffee beans as a housewarming gift. I can't wait to go grind them. Whee!

So, here I am, procrastinating (again!) on my schoolwork... Blogging it because certain people were expecting the story. Which isn't much of a story. *shrug*

But I'm learning something about myself. Well, several somethings:

1. K2B thought it would take me a lot longer to find my "happy place" here. I wasn't insulted to hear that. But I am glad that I am in this "happy place".

2. I can go on a date. And not take it personally if it doesn't go anywhere. (DM and I decided that it's a "maturity" thing and not an "age" thing. So, I am now more open to considering someone younger. Where I wouldn't have before...)

3. If someone wants to run because I have a son, LET HIM. Buh-bye. I'm not going to hide that fact. Don't want someone falling in love with me and then having to "decide" whether or not I'm worth taking on my kid as well. My mom hid the fact of my existence the first couple of times she went out with my dad... And, yeah, they ended up living happily ever after (-ish), but I'm not that girl. I'm a mom, first. A potential mate second.

4. Awkward situations aren't nearly as awkward as they can seem. I have madder communication skillz than I'd given myself credit for.

5. Sometimes a molehill is just that. And I don't really need to make it a mountain anymore.

Now for some schoolwork.

Six months lasted a week. If that.

I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.

But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.

I do need to blog it.

It's like breathing.

We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.

I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...

Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.

And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.

I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...

And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.

And then we were done for the evening.

And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.

As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"

And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"

And then he left.

And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"

But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.

I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.

Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"

And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.

I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.

Harmless is good.

Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.

M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.

And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.

But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.

Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.

Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.

I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.

And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.

Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.

And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.

And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.

And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...

And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...

I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.

I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.

But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.

I don't want to hide.

And I know I'm not ready for this.

Six months, Blanche said.

Six months.

Okay, maybe I'll start....

Now.