Reason/Season Crap.

So, apparently, I have this reputation.

For being the girl who cuts people out of her world.

And that's, supposedly, scary to those who love me.

Case brought up to me many times in recent months:

Ari.

Look, Ari and I are fine. I emailed her on her birthday. I'm over it. She's not. This is no longer MY decision.

All I needed was time away from someone who was being deliberately cruel to me. Should I not have that right? Should I not be allowed to decide when someone is being poisonous to me and to eliminate that from my world?

Eric asked me early on if I tended to "break up" with friends.

And, yes. I have. I like closure, what can I say? ::shrug::

I wonder what it says about the person I used to be that I chose people to be a part of my world that would prove unworthy. Why did I have these people around me in the first place?

And I'm not breaking up with everyone who pisses me off lately. I'm just re-drawing boundaries. My inner circle does seem to be shrinking a bit. And I'm okay with that right now. I'm also trying to spread myself around a little bit. Pulling others into my inner circle so I don't completely overwhelm those closest to me with my pain and grief. I don't want to be the girl that nobody wants to talk to because I'm such a pain in the ass these days. I know I'm not my usual barrel of laughs right now.

Eric told me more than once when we argued that he was afraid that he would piss me off and that I would cut him out of my world... Like I had with Ari.

But let's remember that Ari didn't just piss me off. Ari hurt me deeply. And she compounded that hurt by flaunting it in my face. She showed no sensitivity whatsoever to my pain. She allowed me no time to wrap my mind around that new reality before she was throwing it in my face. And Eric was the one who pointed out what she was doing! And I actually defended her!

And then there's Eric.

And I'm, supposedly, the bitch who drove him away and cut him out of my world.

But that's not exactly what happened.

Yes, I diminished contact out of respect for my husband. And I think that most should agree that that was the right decision.

But when it came time to be friends? Eric was the one who had no boundaries. Eric was the one who walked out of Cara's house to talk to me for 45 minutes, and in that conversation he told me he was still attracted to me. I was the one who told him not to say that to me. How could he know if he was still attracted to me? He had not seen me in three months. I was the one who told him he was not being very loyal to his girlfriend.

I was being the good guy. Trying to be respectful of the relationship he had jumped into five minutes after we had broken up.

But then everything else happened. He was the one who said he wanted to kiss me. He was the one who told me he loved me. He was the one who told me that he had missed me.

I didn't say any of those things back to him at that time.

And then when he decided to compound his bad decisions by asking me to be an accomplice?

Why am I the bad guy for saying I did not think I could be his friend if he expected me to be a part of that lie?

And then... The guy who told me that he never wanted to piss me off so that I would cut him out of my world? He's the one who cut me out of his.

I'm tired of taking the blame on this one.

He's the one who cheated. He's the one who lied. And he's the one who cut me out of his world.

And I'm sitting here, feeling like I have to defend myself for not being friends with him anymore.

And then last night... When the husband told me about a phone call he had received. And all of that awful HRT stuff came back to him. And Cinderella's evil little plan to "tell him the truth", but anonymously? Ugh.

But then I started to think again... This really does smack of HRT. Jeez, I make bad decisions when it comes to love.

I thought Eric was different than HRT.

I finally came to realize that HRT was a sick, sick man. And he deliberately hurt me because that made him feel better about everything that was happening in his world.

But HRT felt helpless when his wife had left him. So, he decided to take it out on the next girl. And that turned out to be me.

And, I suppose that's what Eric was all about, too.

I wouldn't have believed it about him, though. So, now I get to just try. To believe that he was as cruel as HRT.

He's cut me out as effectively as HRT did.

But, oh... Eric... Who was so sad when his ex didn't acknowledge his birthday. And even I did.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

I can't help hoping he will show me some kind of kindness. Some acknowledgement that I do exist. Some acknowledgement that we were supposed to have been together on that day. Just us. Halfway around the world.

I know that he won't. On some level, I do know that he won't.

But I still can't help hoping.

The way that Eric left things with me? So unfinished. So unfair.

And you're probably reading this, going, "You deserve it, RetroMama. Karma's a bitch. You did it to Ari."

Sometimes it sucks to be so misunderstood.

Until last night, the husband did not even know whether or not I even had somewhere to be tomorrow. It never even occurred to him to invite me to share tomorrow with him and our son.

And he expects a fucking medal because he had fun at dinner the other night? And he took me out for coffee? (No, he asked me and drove to coffee. LOL.)

The husband and I are really good friends. I find myself being able to process out what LI did and the aftermath with him. Which is strange.

I'm grateful for that friendship.

But I know that is all it is. And he'll get there. Eventually.

And in the meantime... Fuck, I could really use some sleep. Eesh.

Long Weekend...

Sometimes these long weekends turn out to be too long...

Like this one.

The kidlet and I spent a beautiful day with friends on Saturday. And decided to go on a brittle hunt on Sunday. Since it was a gorgeous day and he hadn't seen his dad, we invited his dad to go with us. So, Sunday ended up being a family day.

Which kind of throws me into all kinds of turmoil all over again. Especially when he speaks cryptically and makes me think that he spent the night with someone two nights earlier.

I hated that it bothered me. I know I'm a total hypocrite. I've made no secret of Eric. The Ex knows I'd spent an amazing weekend away with him just last weekend. But I didn't like those little licks of jealousy that were lapping at my brain.

And we got along so well, and our son just totally thrived in those hours that he got to spend with both of his parents...

It's so confusing sometimes to be such good friends with him. And here he is, being so freaking supportive of this major thing I've undertaken... Something he would not have been during our marriage.

So, then there was the phone call... With me crying... And him saying the words that I've longed to hear for so long... The words that Eric won't say.

It's all very confusing.

Which led to a sleepless night.

So, of course, after a sleepless night, I wasn't quite in the right mood for today.

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends. And those trusted friends made me realize I needed to make a few changes. Which I tried to do in a kind way.

Unfortunately, however, apparently, you have to bring drama to your world so that you can eliminate it. I just really didn't feel like bringing it today. And I accidentally did.

At least Ari has blocked me. And Andy came riding to her rescue on his white horse. I'm so disappointed in him. That he could actually accuse me of doing this because of him and Ari? Has that guy MET me?!? Ugh. Why on earth would I drag him into the ridiculousness that his girlfriend has created? Why would I have EVER told him that what is happening now between me and Ari started long before he ever entered the picture? Oh, I know. Because I never brought that kind of stuff to him. And had I known he'd been interested in her before they began, I might have told him. But he didn't. So, I didn't. It was too late.

I'm honestly so fucking over them.

Just as I'm so fucking over Cinderella. Why can't she just stay the fuck away from me and from mine? I hate that I have to push people I've cared about away just so that they don't feel like they're stuck in the middle.

But I'll do what I have to do. I need to continue to put my child first. And a happy and drama-free mommy is a far better mommy to him than the one who continues to hear little whispers about her opening her fucking mouth all over again.

I know she's reading this now. So, I'll give her this: GO AWAY!!! Do not EVER let my name cross your lips. AT ALL. You have NO reason to ever speak my name. NONE. And you have nobody to blame but YOU.

I'm just so fucking exhausted. And this is such a huge week. This thing that is coming... That I've been planning for nearly (more than?) a year... It's days away.

And I keep going back and forth on it. And there's no backing out now. Not that there ever was. I'm going through with it. And it's going to be amazing. And scary. And fun. And exciting. And a little bit crazy.

I just need to get my head back in the game. Process everything that has been thrown my way in the last two days...

I just need some Peace. And maybe a hug.

29.

Today's been a fairly amazing day.

Tons of attention (mostly even attention I wanted!).

Flowers at work from the beau... Flowers from AVG and a Mrs. Field's cookie with Happy Birthday on it from LR...

Oh, and flowers from an admirer. Shall we call him Phillip? A little awkward, I suppose. Specially since the flowers he sent were the same kind as (but prettier than!) the ones that Eric sent.

::awkward silence::

Ari and I are done, apparently. I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that she turned out to be an utter bitch. I had thought maybe she was insensitive. Maybe clueless. But cruel? Didn't know she had it in her.

I'm embarrassed that she was ever in my inner circle.

::shrugging that one off::

Not much time to write.

Taking the kidlet to meet some of my nearest and dearest for dinner and dessert. The Ex is coming. Eric's not thrilled about that. He can get over it.

Take another little piece of my heart...

After such an amazing trip, it was hard to come back to reality.

Eric eased that transition, however, by treating me to an amazing day before I had to go back to work.

We lingered over brunch and then went for a walk. We spent hours in these eclectic little shops in a nearby town. We got to wander around, pausing to touch or kiss each other.

I fell in love with a purse in one of the shops we visited. This purse cost about 5 times what I've ever paid for a purse. (What? Doesn't everybody buy purses at the Fair or at the discount shoe stores?) I asked for Eric's opinion. And walked around the store with the purse over my shoulder. I'd needed a new purse for about two months, but hadn't anticipated buying one that day. I had just gotten back from a rather pricey vacation, and didn't know if I could justify spending that much on that particular day. Eric never gave me his opinion. The fabulous man who worked at the shop told me to go look in the full-length mirror in the next room. That clinched it. The purse would be mine.

Later, when pressed, Eric admitted that he would have told me to hold off on the purse since I'd just gotten back from that trip. I appreciated that he allowed me to make that choice completely independently of him. And I'm proud of my purchase. Even my therapist told me a few days later that it's a "bitchin' purse".

::grin::

I was somewhat out-of-touch with most people while I was away. Eric and I still emailed fairly regularly and managed one late-night phone call. TF and I texted a few times. I updated my facebook several times but didn't respond too regularly to comments and whatnot. Well, until I was with Z. Because that was just entertaining. ;)

Ari texted me several times while I was gone. Said she wanted to see me when I got back. I knew I'd be spending the day with Eric, but I was happy to try to connect for a bit. Her insistence about seeing me so soon made me think she had a present for me. Maybe because when I find a perfect little something for a friend, I have a hard time holding onto it until the next "occasion". In fact, that Sunday, I found a little piece of perfection that I knew NOF needed that day. I called her and we dropped by that night so that I could give it to her.

Silly me.

Ari had something for me. But it was news. And it certainly wasn't a gift.

Perhaps you remember this guy? The "one of the few who could possibly understand what I was feeling made himself available for my sobbing phone call"? Yeah, that guy.

A dear, dear friend of mine. The one who told me I was overdue for being selfish... And how that set me off on the path of doing the first selfish thing I'd ever done... And everything that came after put me here.

There had been a brief interlude in another city when he thought I wanted something to happen with him. And, not wanting to strike a blow to his ego (which is a bit bigger than I'm a fan of), I didn't tell him that he saw signals that weren't there. Because I came to a conclusion a long time ago. This man's friendship means way too much to even attempt anything physical. I have learned the hard way that friendships don't survive kissing and this one means way too much. The one with Leon didn't matter half as much as this one. I was angry after that interlude when he didn't talk to me for nearly two months. And the next time I heard from him was when he was crying over another girl. And I was okay with that. This is a man with whom I can grieve. Like, really and truly grieve. And that's not something I take lightly. This friendship is sacred.

And while I introduced him to HRT and Ari, it was only because they were there. Not because I wanted to share him with either of them. This is a friendship that I have always felt was truly mine. For every major thing that has happened in my world in the last 3 1/2 years, for every pivotal event or revelation, this man has been somehow tied into it.

This man is someone with whom I have shared emotional intimacies. This man has seen me far more naked than if we had ever had sex. He's seen me raw and bleeding. And I've seen the same of him.

Ari's news?

They had begun an online flirtation in the previous five days. And she stood there, trembling before me and Eric, waiting for me to hug her and be as thrilled and giddy as she is.

And I simply couldn't do it.

Because at the moment she told me that they were talking, I felt a piece of me ripped away. The level of intimacy that I once shared with him is gone. He has been sharing intimacies with one of my closer friends. Which means I never will again with him.

I was absolutely devastated.

And when we walked into the olive oil shop for some tasting, Ari stepped out for a few minutes, and I cried to Eric. And he was great. Never asked me if my feelings were anything more than friendship, which I appreciated. He just listened and offered some feedback, all of which was welcomed.

Later, the three of us got something to drink at a table that faced a sidewalk. It took Ari nearly 30 minutes before asking me if I was okay with her news. And I told her I wasn't. It killed me to see her texting him, knowing that they had already discussed me. And how to tell me. And who should tell me.

Ugh.

The following evening, thanks to a well-timed skype session, I gave them my blessing. The fact of the matter is that I do love them both. They do deserve a shot at happiness.

But, yes, I'm grieving. And the only person who seems to truly understand my point of view is, shockingly (or perhaps not so shockingly?), the Ex.

Even Eric says "never say never" and uses US as his example.

But I know this with every fiber of my being... My friendship with him will never be the same. I will never again call him to cry. About anything. That aspect of our friendship is over.

And I must say that in these early days of grieving... Seeing them all over each other's facebook profiles kind of disgusts me. I wish it didn't hurt so badly. But it really, really, really does.

So, I'm embracing this grief. I will move through it in Real Time and I will move on.

But I know there will be times when I will miss our talks. Because they were torn from me with no warning. He tried to placate me with "you know I can keep a secret." But that's so not the point.

And if the truth is told? I'm really kind of pissed off at her. Because I've been in her position. With her, as a matter of fact. And I did not behave the way she has.

I will come to be happy for her. And time will heal these wounds. But they will leave a scar.

I guess he and I were simply a longer Season.

Okay, maybe I have one last secret...

For those of you who have been living under a rock, you might not know that I am a huge fan of PostSecret. Huge fan... I was introduced to PostSecret a couple of years ago by a friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

But I have all four books.

And, yes... I've sent in a postcard or thirty. Haha.

Making those postcards has been so cathartic for me... It's been better than blogging because I can be a total bitch when I make those cards and nobody will ever know just how much anger I'd been carrying when I've been all "Love and Light" and shit on the internet and in real life...

Because I was a person who tried so hard to convince myself that certain things were okay, when they really weren't... That I was okay with what those horrid girls did last summer... That I was okay with what the HRT did... That the ARSHole wasn't so awful...

And in the privacy of my own home, I would take out my scissors, glue sticks, stickers, photos, etc... And I would just... EXPRESS IT.

There was the day last winter when I made a whole bunch of cards to get my angst out over the HRT... And I anxiously stalked the website, waiting for one of those cards to show up... Because that would totally show him!!!

But they never did.

Frank never posted my cards... Nor did he ever post any of the emails I'd sent...

But then I would find myself telling my closest friends about what those postcards said... And those secrets didn't have so much of a hold over me... Through the making and sending of the cards, they lost their power... And I felt better...

And I'd had these two photographs sitting in my place... Photos I knew I didn't want... But I couldn't bring myself to simply throw them away... Because I had feelings wrapped up in them... Feelings I hadn't been able to express...

And the postcard... The beautiful black and white artsy postcard I'd picked up in San Francisco when I was with Ari... It was a fork, lying face-down on a plate... My plan at that time was to frame it and put it in my new apartment when I moved...

But I didn't do it... A couple of months ago, I knew it would end up sent to PostSecret... But I didn't know what it would say...

And the day I sent in those photographs... Expressing the hurt one girl had caused... And the admission that I was finally grateful for the HRT not showing up in my town on that particular weekend... That was the day I created the secret on the fork postcard... It was my deepest secret...

And then I addressed it, and it struck me that the photo on the card was a Paris photo... Taken long before my lifetime would begin...

And I remembered how CoffeeLady had told me not to date anybody who reads my blog... Because I'm so open and honest in here (today being asked "did I really just read about your butthole?") that somebody might use that information to get to me in a way I wouldn't welcome...

And I remembered how the HRT had done that... He acted like he knew me so well... And while he knew he didn't embody everything I'd written in my "list" (this goes back to a blog I wrote a lifetime ago... About what I'm looking for), he wanted to become the person worthy of being with me... And while he hadn't traveled as much as I was hoping for, he told me that he wanted to travel with me...

And take me to Paris.

Um, but I don't want to go to Paris. I've never wanted to go to Paris. There are two European cities in particular that I do want to visit. But it's never been Paris...

And when we talked about it, I was really sweet about it, "Oh, you mean... ???" And he quickly said, "Yes, isn't that where you wanted to go?"

And it was early days, so I let it slide...

So, I finally made the postcard... And as I addressed it, I added a little note for Frank...

And before I put that card in the mail, I actually pulled part of my secret off of the front... Because I was afraid that it would end up getting posted and that someone in my world would figure out that it was me...

And then last weekend, I checked the site... None of my secrets made it...

This morning, I checked it from my phone... And I saw my own writing!!!

I raced to the computer because I wanted to check and see if it was one of the postcards where you put your cursor over it and it flips over... Suddenly terrified that someone would recognize my writing, I simply had to know....

And he hadn't done it that way...

Heart in my throat, I dashed off an email to Frank... And texted a couple of girlfriends who follow the site...

A couple of hours later, I saw that he'd also printed my email... And I was scared that he would have gone ahead and shared the other side...

But he hadn't...

And these people on the forum seemed to think that what was written was what the secret was about...

And I hadn't thought that it was...

But maybe it was... Maybe that's the thing I was supposed to take from this... That the one secret I'm still keeping doesn't matter... Because there's no way to change it anyway...

But knowing that the person who will come into my world will be better than the ones who've left it (the ones who left by choice. Please don't misunderstand me on that line! LOL!)...

And the next guy?? Well, he sure as hell won't offer to take me to Paris!!

Not quite the Skinemax rated blog we were hoping for.

So, my cousin set me up on a blind date. Sort of.

A couple of weeks ago, she and I decided to go see our uncle's play. And she asked me if it would be a girls' night or could she bring her boyfriend? I didn't get back to her before she asked me again and told me that she had a date lined up for me... Cute, but young. A friend of the boyfriend's. I wrote back "that's fine. Just tell him I'm expensive and I don't put out..." LOL.

I kind of forgot the whole thing until a couple of days before the play. We were hammering out details about dinner and she mentioned the date's name. And I pictured some short guy with red hair and freckles who looked like he's about 12 years old.

And then it hit me... Was this what the kids call a "blind date"? Asking a few friends, and a couple of my students... Who all agreed. This would be a blind date.

Great. Well, someone to practice on, right?

Anyway. Saturday morning, the cousin called.... Had I ordered tickets for the play? Um, no. Had she? We decided she should call our uncle and find out if we could still get in, but that we would still do dinner and perhaps a movie instead if we couldn't go to the play.

Ten minutes later, I got a text. That we were all set for the play, and BTW, C and E would be there. Um, you mean my ex-boyfriend's grandparents??? The ones who are practically like MY grandparents, but still might not know that I am getting divorced?

Wow. This would be fun.

Only in my world would anybody be going out on an unexpected blind date and go hang out with an ex's grandparents.

And that was when I got nervous. Ugh.

And of course the guy turned out to be adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. And, yeah, he looked like he's about 12. I was surprised that we actually had a lot in common, but we didn't really talk that much. He was busy catching up with my cousin's boyfriend and she and I kind of talked to each other, but we did hit upon politics, religion, the weather, exercise, etc... I was slightly miffed when he said something about "Thirteen miles? You should be able to do that in less than three hours..." Um, and how many half-marathons have you run, Mister?

I was having a good time, but not feeling any particular connection... Just enjoying being out with nice people and going to the theater... Did see the ex's family, but didn't really get into any introductions or anything... And then, of course, the ex's MOM came outside to greet me! (I stupidly hadn't thought that she would have been the one driving them to the theater!) I didn't want to be rude, but there was no way I was going to introduce her to the guy that had just figured out that I have a son... (He asked "does your son like climbing on stuff like we do?" I grinned and answered, "absolutely. He gets it from his mom...")

While we were in line, we kind of split off a bit. My cousin and her boyfriend were all snuggly in line and that left me and my "date" to chat. We were finally having a dialogue when his phone rang. He very nicely apologized for answering it, but it was, apparently, his buddy who had just broken up with someone the night before... My "date" had insisted that the guy stay at his place that night so he wouldn't have to stay with his now ex-girlfriend... (At dinner, I'd asked, "Oh, you mean when people break up, they're supposed to not live together for more than a year afterwards?" And we all laughed about that....) Anyway, the friend had, apparently, locked himself out of his house, and could my "date" go let him in? My cousin and her boyfriend joked that he should just let him sit there for a couple of hours and wait, but this guy is pretty nice (and I, apparently, wasn't interesting enough for him to want to stay) and so he left to go rescue his friend. It all happened very quickly, the leaving and such.

So, no, TG, I doubt that I will see him again (unless the cousin sets up another "date" for the next play! LOL!)... And that's totally fine... I did ask "So, he found out I have a kid and went running, huh?" My cousin insisted it had nothing to do with me and that it's just "something that happened."

So, we watched the play and hung out with my uncle and his friends for a bit afterwards, and then I came home, set the clocks, and went to sleep for a few hours.

Last time change, BlackBerry didn't automatically update. So, I changed the time and set my alarm. And, this time, BlackBerry did it itself and I ended up getting up an hour earlier than planned. Ugh.

But I got in some lovely mileage with Ari, and then CoffeeLady met us for coffee... Ari spoiled me with a huge bag of Its a Grind High Octane coffee beans as a housewarming gift. I can't wait to go grind them. Whee!

So, here I am, procrastinating (again!) on my schoolwork... Blogging it because certain people were expecting the story. Which isn't much of a story. *shrug*

But I'm learning something about myself. Well, several somethings:

1. K2B thought it would take me a lot longer to find my "happy place" here. I wasn't insulted to hear that. But I am glad that I am in this "happy place".

2. I can go on a date. And not take it personally if it doesn't go anywhere. (DM and I decided that it's a "maturity" thing and not an "age" thing. So, I am now more open to considering someone younger. Where I wouldn't have before...)

3. If someone wants to run because I have a son, LET HIM. Buh-bye. I'm not going to hide that fact. Don't want someone falling in love with me and then having to "decide" whether or not I'm worth taking on my kid as well. My mom hid the fact of my existence the first couple of times she went out with my dad... And, yeah, they ended up living happily ever after (-ish), but I'm not that girl. I'm a mom, first. A potential mate second.

4. Awkward situations aren't nearly as awkward as they can seem. I have madder communication skillz than I'd given myself credit for.

5. Sometimes a molehill is just that. And I don't really need to make it a mountain anymore.

Now for some schoolwork.

I need to make my bones.

The epiphanies are coming at me right and left.

The words my friends say to me stay with me. They may not be easy to hear, but they are necessary.

I am learning to set boundaries.

And I'm sticking to them.

It's the strangest thing.

I had an unexpected therapy session on Monday. After a lovely weekend.

I was at the Swap Meet with TF and my Girlz. And I nearly cried when I hugged each of them. It was so beautiful to be in their presence once again...

TF had mentioned awhile back that she wanted to get a matching tattoo with me. A plumeria. And I told her that I don't really believe in getting matching tattoos with people. My maid of honor had asked me to years ago, and I refused... She and I ran into each other at a conference two summers ago. We hadn't spoken in three years.

I have a tattoo to represent my momma, and my son. That's it. I've never gotten a tattoo with a man's name on me. I wouldn't. I don't believe in it. The HRT decided he wanted to get a tattoo to "represent our relationship" and I discouraged him. (Now I wish I'd let him. Because that would be damned funny!)

But on that overcast Sunday morning, when I saw something with a plumeria on it, I realized I can get a matching tattoo with TF. Because I believe in her. I believe in our friendship. She is absolutely true and forever.

And when I told her I wanted to get a plumeria with her, she instantly understood what I was saying... And it was a moment. They will be slightly different. The accent color will be different, and she will get a letter in hers to represent her boys, and I will get a letter in mine to represent my girlZ.

And I wondered if I can handle the pain of three tattoos in one session.

And then I had her over to my home. And she brought me flowers. And then Ari came with my wine... And I made a wonderful Italian dressing with the good olive oil and the gourmet balsamic vinegar... For a dinner I made for someone worthy... Who understood why he was invited on a Sunday and not another day. And he respected that. And I set my boundaries and stuck to them, and they were respected.

Wow.

So, I bounced into therapy all excited, and just gushing about how great things are. And how I'm paying my bills and I have money left over to buy new stuff for my little boy. And that I'm a better mom than I had been while I was in that marriage. And even though Mel dropped me because she thought I was a bad mom, I am proving her wrong every minute.

But on my way there, I had this moment of ClaRiTy. That I am blessed by these true friendships. That I lied to so many for so long, and that they love me anyway.

And tears spilled over when I remembered those girls from last summer... The ones who decided to use those lies as their excuse for dropping me. For cruelty.

And it made the realization of these friendships so much sweeter.

My therapist threw all kinds of positive feedback my way...

And then told me that I have to have a conversation with my husband... The one where I get to tell him I think he's an alcoholic, and to tell him the consequences of what will happen if he ever puts our son in the car if he's under the influence.

The conversation would take place last night.

Oh, but first, my electricity would be turned off. Because I never got a bill for a deposit. Or the phone call they were supposed to have placed. There was a disconnection notice, which went unnoticed, because I am somewhat bad about checking the mailbox which is all the way across the complex. In my entire life, I have never had my utilities disconnected. But, the guy I paid rolled his eyes when I said that.

Anyway, the conversation got a little heated, but ultimately, we both have our son's best interests at heart. And he will be okay.

And I got the utility thing figured out (the lady totally apologized for the "inconvenience" and admitted their wrongdoing, but it still meant I would be powerless until today).

And I spent an evening with candles and flashlights and continued with my EPL regimen.

And I find that different things get to me now while I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time.

The whole soulmate thing? The thing that had me all breathless and freaking out last time?

I almost skimmed it. Because it's just accepted. "Yeah, yeah. He's my soulmate. We're not together. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Moving on."

And today as I crossed my campus, something hit me...

I have had some pretty awful things happen since I left my husband and our home. But I have never once regretted that decision. I've never second-guessed myself on that decision.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says, "What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismissing them.... It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength. Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones"."

She goes on to add "So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

And it hit me today: I AM IN THAT PLACE.

I'm not beating myself up over decisions I've made that may have looked like mistakes. I'm not thinking that I shouldn't have moved here because then I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs because of a nasty neighbor. I'm not calling myself an idiot for letting the utilities get cut off. (Shut up, TF. Yes, I will be more vigilant about getting my mail. I did pick it up today. Two days in a row! Mad skillz. :P) I'm just looking at it as one little kink to work out before this well-oiled machine moves itself along.

And shut up, Zabba. Because I know I should have moved out a year ago.

But the fact of the matter is this:

Everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am here, and I am happy, and things are good. I can see whom I want, I can be whom I want. I can live, love, and laugh.

And now I'm off to do that.

Six months lasted a week. If that.

I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.

But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.

I do need to blog it.

It's like breathing.

We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.

I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...

Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.

And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.

I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...

And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.

And then we were done for the evening.

And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.

As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"

And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"

And then he left.

And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"

But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.

I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.

Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"

And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.

I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.

Harmless is good.

Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.

M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.

And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.

But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.

Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.

Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.

I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.

And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.

Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.

And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.

And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.

And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...

And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...

I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.

I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.

But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.

I don't want to hide.

And I know I'm not ready for this.

Six months, Blanche said.

Six months.

Okay, maybe I'll start....

Now.