Reason/Season Crap.

So, apparently, I have this reputation.

For being the girl who cuts people out of her world.

And that's, supposedly, scary to those who love me.

Case brought up to me many times in recent months:

Ari.

Look, Ari and I are fine. I emailed her on her birthday. I'm over it. She's not. This is no longer MY decision.

All I needed was time away from someone who was being deliberately cruel to me. Should I not have that right? Should I not be allowed to decide when someone is being poisonous to me and to eliminate that from my world?

Eric asked me early on if I tended to "break up" with friends.

And, yes. I have. I like closure, what can I say? ::shrug::

I wonder what it says about the person I used to be that I chose people to be a part of my world that would prove unworthy. Why did I have these people around me in the first place?

And I'm not breaking up with everyone who pisses me off lately. I'm just re-drawing boundaries. My inner circle does seem to be shrinking a bit. And I'm okay with that right now. I'm also trying to spread myself around a little bit. Pulling others into my inner circle so I don't completely overwhelm those closest to me with my pain and grief. I don't want to be the girl that nobody wants to talk to because I'm such a pain in the ass these days. I know I'm not my usual barrel of laughs right now.

Eric told me more than once when we argued that he was afraid that he would piss me off and that I would cut him out of my world... Like I had with Ari.

But let's remember that Ari didn't just piss me off. Ari hurt me deeply. And she compounded that hurt by flaunting it in my face. She showed no sensitivity whatsoever to my pain. She allowed me no time to wrap my mind around that new reality before she was throwing it in my face. And Eric was the one who pointed out what she was doing! And I actually defended her!

And then there's Eric.

And I'm, supposedly, the bitch who drove him away and cut him out of my world.

But that's not exactly what happened.

Yes, I diminished contact out of respect for my husband. And I think that most should agree that that was the right decision.

But when it came time to be friends? Eric was the one who had no boundaries. Eric was the one who walked out of Cara's house to talk to me for 45 minutes, and in that conversation he told me he was still attracted to me. I was the one who told him not to say that to me. How could he know if he was still attracted to me? He had not seen me in three months. I was the one who told him he was not being very loyal to his girlfriend.

I was being the good guy. Trying to be respectful of the relationship he had jumped into five minutes after we had broken up.

But then everything else happened. He was the one who said he wanted to kiss me. He was the one who told me he loved me. He was the one who told me that he had missed me.

I didn't say any of those things back to him at that time.

And then when he decided to compound his bad decisions by asking me to be an accomplice?

Why am I the bad guy for saying I did not think I could be his friend if he expected me to be a part of that lie?

And then... The guy who told me that he never wanted to piss me off so that I would cut him out of my world? He's the one who cut me out of his.

I'm tired of taking the blame on this one.

He's the one who cheated. He's the one who lied. And he's the one who cut me out of his world.

And I'm sitting here, feeling like I have to defend myself for not being friends with him anymore.

And then last night... When the husband told me about a phone call he had received. And all of that awful HRT stuff came back to him. And Cinderella's evil little plan to "tell him the truth", but anonymously? Ugh.

But then I started to think again... This really does smack of HRT. Jeez, I make bad decisions when it comes to love.

I thought Eric was different than HRT.

I finally came to realize that HRT was a sick, sick man. And he deliberately hurt me because that made him feel better about everything that was happening in his world.

But HRT felt helpless when his wife had left him. So, he decided to take it out on the next girl. And that turned out to be me.

And, I suppose that's what Eric was all about, too.

I wouldn't have believed it about him, though. So, now I get to just try. To believe that he was as cruel as HRT.

He's cut me out as effectively as HRT did.

But, oh... Eric... Who was so sad when his ex didn't acknowledge his birthday. And even I did.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

I can't help hoping he will show me some kind of kindness. Some acknowledgement that I do exist. Some acknowledgement that we were supposed to have been together on that day. Just us. Halfway around the world.

I know that he won't. On some level, I do know that he won't.

But I still can't help hoping.

The way that Eric left things with me? So unfinished. So unfair.

And you're probably reading this, going, "You deserve it, RetroMama. Karma's a bitch. You did it to Ari."

Sometimes it sucks to be so misunderstood.

Until last night, the husband did not even know whether or not I even had somewhere to be tomorrow. It never even occurred to him to invite me to share tomorrow with him and our son.

And he expects a fucking medal because he had fun at dinner the other night? And he took me out for coffee? (No, he asked me and drove to coffee. LOL.)

The husband and I are really good friends. I find myself being able to process out what LI did and the aftermath with him. Which is strange.

I'm grateful for that friendship.

But I know that is all it is. And he'll get there. Eventually.

And in the meantime... Fuck, I could really use some sleep. Eesh.

Reason, Season, Lifetime. Again.

I keep forgetting that I can also be a Reason.

I guess I don't give myself enough credit for that. Maybe I'm friends with someone because I'm supposed to connect them to someone else and then I'm supposed to MOVE ON.

But that doesn't stop the hurting.

And it doesn't stop me from feeling stupid when I realize that someone in my world truly does NOT have my best interests at heart. Not that they all should. Because everybody really should be looking out for him/herself. Doing what makes them happy. But I have this expectation that people around me err on the side of kindness.

And I think I'm sick of people choosing to be kinder to someone who, supposedly, doesn't matter. Especially when I'm the one sitting here trying to do the right thing. Trying to err on the side of kindness. Standing up for my friends. Fiercely.

That makes it hurt even more when I realize that all of those things I said in her defense were wrong. Wait. That's not true. She is loyal. Just not to me.

::shrug::

This isn't the first time I've dealt with this. And like before, I'll just change my own boundaries. I don't have to go through a big breakup over this. I just need to change how I behave when I'm around this person. And I certainly need to remind myself not to count on her anymore. 'Cause she certainly doesn't have my back.

I just really hate that I had to pull up the BGPs and do something that I swore two months ago that I wouldn't. Because now someone else gets to get hurt, unnecessarily. But I have to look out for myself and my family and my friends. And I will err on the side of kindness for THEM. And not the one who doesn't really matter that much anymore.

So, this marriage counseling stuff sucks. I pretty much cried for 14 hours after the last session. Not kidding. Barely slept. Woke up crying every time I turned over. Sucked. Hard.

But the very next day, baby steps were taken.

I don't know if my husband and I will end up back together. And I've been asked if this agony will be worth it if we don't.

And the answer is, without a doubt...

YES.

TG reminded me that I have been through a lot without him. Job loss. Deaths of loved ones. Shit, I beat cancer without him.

I know I can survive without him.

And, obviously, if we manage to work things out and learn to be happy together, this excruciating process will all be worth it.

But it will also be worth it if we don't work out.

Because only through this will I know that I really, really, really tried this time.

Take another little piece of my heart...

After such an amazing trip, it was hard to come back to reality.

Eric eased that transition, however, by treating me to an amazing day before I had to go back to work.

We lingered over brunch and then went for a walk. We spent hours in these eclectic little shops in a nearby town. We got to wander around, pausing to touch or kiss each other.

I fell in love with a purse in one of the shops we visited. This purse cost about 5 times what I've ever paid for a purse. (What? Doesn't everybody buy purses at the Fair or at the discount shoe stores?) I asked for Eric's opinion. And walked around the store with the purse over my shoulder. I'd needed a new purse for about two months, but hadn't anticipated buying one that day. I had just gotten back from a rather pricey vacation, and didn't know if I could justify spending that much on that particular day. Eric never gave me his opinion. The fabulous man who worked at the shop told me to go look in the full-length mirror in the next room. That clinched it. The purse would be mine.

Later, when pressed, Eric admitted that he would have told me to hold off on the purse since I'd just gotten back from that trip. I appreciated that he allowed me to make that choice completely independently of him. And I'm proud of my purchase. Even my therapist told me a few days later that it's a "bitchin' purse".

::grin::

I was somewhat out-of-touch with most people while I was away. Eric and I still emailed fairly regularly and managed one late-night phone call. TF and I texted a few times. I updated my facebook several times but didn't respond too regularly to comments and whatnot. Well, until I was with Z. Because that was just entertaining. ;)

Ari texted me several times while I was gone. Said she wanted to see me when I got back. I knew I'd be spending the day with Eric, but I was happy to try to connect for a bit. Her insistence about seeing me so soon made me think she had a present for me. Maybe because when I find a perfect little something for a friend, I have a hard time holding onto it until the next "occasion". In fact, that Sunday, I found a little piece of perfection that I knew NOF needed that day. I called her and we dropped by that night so that I could give it to her.

Silly me.

Ari had something for me. But it was news. And it certainly wasn't a gift.

Perhaps you remember this guy? The "one of the few who could possibly understand what I was feeling made himself available for my sobbing phone call"? Yeah, that guy.

A dear, dear friend of mine. The one who told me I was overdue for being selfish... And how that set me off on the path of doing the first selfish thing I'd ever done... And everything that came after put me here.

There had been a brief interlude in another city when he thought I wanted something to happen with him. And, not wanting to strike a blow to his ego (which is a bit bigger than I'm a fan of), I didn't tell him that he saw signals that weren't there. Because I came to a conclusion a long time ago. This man's friendship means way too much to even attempt anything physical. I have learned the hard way that friendships don't survive kissing and this one means way too much. The one with Leon didn't matter half as much as this one. I was angry after that interlude when he didn't talk to me for nearly two months. And the next time I heard from him was when he was crying over another girl. And I was okay with that. This is a man with whom I can grieve. Like, really and truly grieve. And that's not something I take lightly. This friendship is sacred.

And while I introduced him to HRT and Ari, it was only because they were there. Not because I wanted to share him with either of them. This is a friendship that I have always felt was truly mine. For every major thing that has happened in my world in the last 3 1/2 years, for every pivotal event or revelation, this man has been somehow tied into it.

This man is someone with whom I have shared emotional intimacies. This man has seen me far more naked than if we had ever had sex. He's seen me raw and bleeding. And I've seen the same of him.

Ari's news?

They had begun an online flirtation in the previous five days. And she stood there, trembling before me and Eric, waiting for me to hug her and be as thrilled and giddy as she is.

And I simply couldn't do it.

Because at the moment she told me that they were talking, I felt a piece of me ripped away. The level of intimacy that I once shared with him is gone. He has been sharing intimacies with one of my closer friends. Which means I never will again with him.

I was absolutely devastated.

And when we walked into the olive oil shop for some tasting, Ari stepped out for a few minutes, and I cried to Eric. And he was great. Never asked me if my feelings were anything more than friendship, which I appreciated. He just listened and offered some feedback, all of which was welcomed.

Later, the three of us got something to drink at a table that faced a sidewalk. It took Ari nearly 30 minutes before asking me if I was okay with her news. And I told her I wasn't. It killed me to see her texting him, knowing that they had already discussed me. And how to tell me. And who should tell me.

Ugh.

The following evening, thanks to a well-timed skype session, I gave them my blessing. The fact of the matter is that I do love them both. They do deserve a shot at happiness.

But, yes, I'm grieving. And the only person who seems to truly understand my point of view is, shockingly (or perhaps not so shockingly?), the Ex.

Even Eric says "never say never" and uses US as his example.

But I know this with every fiber of my being... My friendship with him will never be the same. I will never again call him to cry. About anything. That aspect of our friendship is over.

And I must say that in these early days of grieving... Seeing them all over each other's facebook profiles kind of disgusts me. I wish it didn't hurt so badly. But it really, really, really does.

So, I'm embracing this grief. I will move through it in Real Time and I will move on.

But I know there will be times when I will miss our talks. Because they were torn from me with no warning. He tried to placate me with "you know I can keep a secret." But that's so not the point.

And if the truth is told? I'm really kind of pissed off at her. Because I've been in her position. With her, as a matter of fact. And I did not behave the way she has.

I will come to be happy for her. And time will heal these wounds. But they will leave a scar.

I guess he and I were simply a longer Season.

I'm like Dr Pepper.

Dr Pepper is one of those things people feel passionately about...

Nobody says "Dr Pepper? Oh, it's okay. I can take it or leave it..."

No. People either love it or they hate it. Ask around. Nine out of ten people will have a very definite opinion about Dr Pepper...

I'm like Dr Pepper. People either love me or they hate me. Nobody really says, "Oh, that RetroMama? Yeah, she's okay. I can take her or leave her..." And yes, that opinion can, apparently, change in a heartbeat.

And I'm okay with that... I'm a passionate person, so I expect people to react passionately about me and/or towards me...

Last weekend, I would be meeting up with TF and CB at the Improv... I found out after I'd bought my ticket that I would be the 5th wheel... They were going on a double-date, but I was totally welcome...

Um... Yeah.

I'd had a rough day and was texting back and forth with TF, who'd told me they'd managed to secure a table for four, but I was totally welcome to squeeze in... They were saving me squeezy space. I texted TF and told her she needed to be ready to do a shot with me, and she replied that she wasn't drinking.

Fuck.

I texted again and said, "Tell your friend she's going to have to do a shot with me..." And her reply made all of my fears ("TF and CB totally love and adore me all the time... Well, except when I'm being a total girl and obsessing over stupid shit... But they love me! They get my sense of humor and think I'm hilarious... They think my outrageousness is charming!! But what about their friends? What if they think I am annoying as fuck and can't stand me? And what if I end up totally making the whole evening awkward and then TF and CB no longer have another couple to hang out with???") go away... Because, yes... I'd had that conversation with myself in my head, but when TF responded with "She said she'll do a shot with you, but only if you squeeze her", I knew they were already hanging out with kindred spirits and I would fit right in...

And I did. And it fit. And it was wonderful. Good times, good times... Apparently, they like the Dr Pepper.

As do I... Especially the Cherry Dr Pepper that a certain Cat turned me on to... Something else to give up when I wean from the caffeine... Eesh. Haha.

The Cherry Dr Pepper got me out of my funk yesterday... I was kinda down about the anti-versary... It would have been 11 years. And that's a long time... And I started down a slippery slope, but allowed myself a good cry (lasted maybe 8 minutes?) and then moved on...

It's been a strange week for me... Lots of growth... Lots of signs and messages and stuff... And suddenly, I'm realizing that I'm learning to let go... And actually doing it... (I'm not saying I don't falter, but it's more like three steps forward and one step back instead of the other way around...)

And suddenly realizing that the Reason, Season, Lifetime thing??? Isn't necessarily always about me... That maybe it was ME... Who was in THEIR lives for a reason...

And when that reason is fulfilled, it's actually easier to let go...

Miles of Hills and ClaRiTy... Always good times... Tough times... But good times...

Being an open book isn't necessarily a bad thing... It's just part of my charm.

Love that about me or hate that about me... It's okay.

I'm just Dr Pepper.