Doesn't everyone celebrate Thanksgiving in March?

And all because CB went to Ikea on Friday and asked if I needed anything...

A few of you may know that I've been wrestling with my belief system for awhile now. What you may not know is that this ended up being one of the issues in the divorce (or the divorce-ish thing I've got going on)... When I admitted I'd been following some of the science blogs (why does that word "admitted" seem like a confession of guilt?), and that many of them are written by fairly militant atheists, my husband started teasing me about reading the "satanic blogs".

I count Einstein and Galileo among my heroes. I doubt the existence of God as an all-knowing, all-powerful being (I can hear the gasps of horror from here. I can hear the click of the "delete" button...).

And yet I believe in Angels. I believe in SoulMates. I believe in the Universe and Energies making things happen... As my SoulMate said to another friend today, "Careful. This one manifests stuff like you wouldn't believe..." I call it my mad skillz. Because I do believe that I have the power to make stuff happen... Not sure about Fate... I believe there are multiple Fates and that people have the power to change their futures based on their own decisions.

But I do believe in that stuff. And I don't know if there's a religion that embodies all of that.

Anyway.

If CB hadn't thought to ask if I needed anything from Ikea, maybe today wouldn't have happened.

But it did.

Ten miles with my girlz yesterday... ClaRiTy all over the place. Realizing that maybe the worthy one I made dinner for last weekend isn't necessarily worthy of anything more than that. Back to Liz Gilbert and the EPL...

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

Oy, with the ClaRiTy, already!

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I keep saying I'm at a point in my life where I'm not willing to take on that big of a challenge within a relationship.

So, stop.

And I don't want a relationship right now. TheRaPist keeps telling me that Blanche wasn't necessarily right. That it's okay for me to date now. To take it slow, but dating is okay. Spending time with someone is okay.

And I realized that I want to go out to dinner. I've said it before and I'm putting it out into the Universe. I actually really want to go to dinner with someone that I won't necessarily want to see again. I want to know what it's like to go out and spend time with someone and NOT necessarily fall in love and make it into something more than it is.


Just... Dinner. Out.

Anyway.

I was thrilled to get my boy back last night, and we had been contemplating a Disney day, but I knew we needed to connect with CB to get my Ikea goodies...

And then as my boy snuggled with me in my bed, my phone rang, and it was my SoulMate, inviting me to a somewhat impromptu Thanksgiving meal at her house if I was in the neighborhood (because I'd mentioned that last week)... She has had family in town and they decided to do the whole turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes thing. And did we want to join them?

Realizing I could kill all kinds of birds with this stone, we blew off the Disney thing and decided to go the Thanksgiving route. The kidlet thought it was hysterical to celebrate Thanksgiving in March. But five bucks says he remembers it forever.

I was thrilled that TF decided to join CB to meet us, and we spent a very enjoyable hour just talking, eating, laughing our asses off (The kidlet thought a better name for the Snuggie would be the shwanket, which had TF and me crying with laughter at the table!), and just enjoying each other's company...

After searching (nearly fruitlessly) for a table, we headed over to see the SoulMate and her crew.

It was utterly lovely to be in her presence, and in the presence of those she calls her "soul circle"... And I loved that I am in it. And the hug I received from the one who made the amazing cranberry sauce (and I am VERY picky about that stuff!) was a beautiful thing. Natural. Wonderful. And explaining to people who had been strangers about how I am in this different place, and how it's been tough, but I feel really good about it... SM's mom made a point to tell me to keep growing and being glad before I left...

And as we drove home at dusk under a sky the color of a bruise, I just felt so truly blessed. And knowing that even though the tears are coming more freely in my spare moments, it's because I'm healing... Finally grieving the loss of Mel's friendship last year. Because I am proving her wrong on a daily (hourly!) basis. Cutting ties. Accepting reality. Maintaining hopes where they are worthy, and letting go of the ones that are unreasonable.

Just learning as I grow.

Actually becoming grateful for the HRT and his hurts because they made me more effective for two students who really needed a grownup who understood their dramas. How ironic that I can understand the dramas of 14-year-olds because I dated someone who acted like one last year?

And how lovely to make the connection between last Thanksgiving and the one I celebrated today?

That I wouldn't go home tonight and find cruelty on the internet. And I wouldn't spend three days alone, culminating in a 20-minute desperately horrific crying jag on the kitchen floor.

Nope.

This time, barely more than three months later, I brought my boy home, did some laundry, some dishes, read another chapter of Superfudge with him, and then put him to bed in the bed I paid for on my own, and then assembled with CB. And then completed my first task in a course that I need to complete for additional job security.

Such a different place. Such a different mind-set.

Free and clear. I'm getting there.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I need to make my bones.

The epiphanies are coming at me right and left.

The words my friends say to me stay with me. They may not be easy to hear, but they are necessary.

I am learning to set boundaries.

And I'm sticking to them.

It's the strangest thing.

I had an unexpected therapy session on Monday. After a lovely weekend.

I was at the Swap Meet with TF and my Girlz. And I nearly cried when I hugged each of them. It was so beautiful to be in their presence once again...

TF had mentioned awhile back that she wanted to get a matching tattoo with me. A plumeria. And I told her that I don't really believe in getting matching tattoos with people. My maid of honor had asked me to years ago, and I refused... She and I ran into each other at a conference two summers ago. We hadn't spoken in three years.

I have a tattoo to represent my momma, and my son. That's it. I've never gotten a tattoo with a man's name on me. I wouldn't. I don't believe in it. The HRT decided he wanted to get a tattoo to "represent our relationship" and I discouraged him. (Now I wish I'd let him. Because that would be damned funny!)

But on that overcast Sunday morning, when I saw something with a plumeria on it, I realized I can get a matching tattoo with TF. Because I believe in her. I believe in our friendship. She is absolutely true and forever.

And when I told her I wanted to get a plumeria with her, she instantly understood what I was saying... And it was a moment. They will be slightly different. The accent color will be different, and she will get a letter in hers to represent her boys, and I will get a letter in mine to represent my girlZ.

And I wondered if I can handle the pain of three tattoos in one session.

And then I had her over to my home. And she brought me flowers. And then Ari came with my wine... And I made a wonderful Italian dressing with the good olive oil and the gourmet balsamic vinegar... For a dinner I made for someone worthy... Who understood why he was invited on a Sunday and not another day. And he respected that. And I set my boundaries and stuck to them, and they were respected.

Wow.

So, I bounced into therapy all excited, and just gushing about how great things are. And how I'm paying my bills and I have money left over to buy new stuff for my little boy. And that I'm a better mom than I had been while I was in that marriage. And even though Mel dropped me because she thought I was a bad mom, I am proving her wrong every minute.

But on my way there, I had this moment of ClaRiTy. That I am blessed by these true friendships. That I lied to so many for so long, and that they love me anyway.

And tears spilled over when I remembered those girls from last summer... The ones who decided to use those lies as their excuse for dropping me. For cruelty.

And it made the realization of these friendships so much sweeter.

My therapist threw all kinds of positive feedback my way...

And then told me that I have to have a conversation with my husband... The one where I get to tell him I think he's an alcoholic, and to tell him the consequences of what will happen if he ever puts our son in the car if he's under the influence.

The conversation would take place last night.

Oh, but first, my electricity would be turned off. Because I never got a bill for a deposit. Or the phone call they were supposed to have placed. There was a disconnection notice, which went unnoticed, because I am somewhat bad about checking the mailbox which is all the way across the complex. In my entire life, I have never had my utilities disconnected. But, the guy I paid rolled his eyes when I said that.

Anyway, the conversation got a little heated, but ultimately, we both have our son's best interests at heart. And he will be okay.

And I got the utility thing figured out (the lady totally apologized for the "inconvenience" and admitted their wrongdoing, but it still meant I would be powerless until today).

And I spent an evening with candles and flashlights and continued with my EPL regimen.

And I find that different things get to me now while I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time.

The whole soulmate thing? The thing that had me all breathless and freaking out last time?

I almost skimmed it. Because it's just accepted. "Yeah, yeah. He's my soulmate. We're not together. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Moving on."

And today as I crossed my campus, something hit me...

I have had some pretty awful things happen since I left my husband and our home. But I have never once regretted that decision. I've never second-guessed myself on that decision.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says, "What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismissing them.... It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength. Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones"."

She goes on to add "So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

And it hit me today: I AM IN THAT PLACE.

I'm not beating myself up over decisions I've made that may have looked like mistakes. I'm not thinking that I shouldn't have moved here because then I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs because of a nasty neighbor. I'm not calling myself an idiot for letting the utilities get cut off. (Shut up, TF. Yes, I will be more vigilant about getting my mail. I did pick it up today. Two days in a row! Mad skillz. :P) I'm just looking at it as one little kink to work out before this well-oiled machine moves itself along.

And shut up, Zabba. Because I know I should have moved out a year ago.

But the fact of the matter is this:

Everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am here, and I am happy, and things are good. I can see whom I want, I can be whom I want. I can live, love, and laugh.

And now I'm off to do that.