Ready.

The 72-hour relationship.

The day I was to leave town, my gramma referred to Clark as my boyfriend. Um, WTF? He's so not my boyfriend?

That same afternoon, E called him the same thing. E and Wendy and I took off on our road trip that night and it was like Clark was in the car with us. He kept texting me half the drive (could we ever get out of our damned state??) and there I was, topless in the car, so that I could take a picture to send to his phone... Along with the photos of the girls, too.

They called him my boyfriend all weekend. I never did. But I liked that they did.

And then it was over. The day after I got back. I don't quite know what happened, but have since realized that my defenses were down because of a significant number on the calendar that week. Before I went to visit Dr. Tim, I called the Ex and we had a conversation. Of course he's been wondering if we can work things out. And I sensed that. But when he didn't want me there on that particular night, I ended up hooking up with a complete stranger. And a bunch of orgasms later, I was willing to overlook the stupid shit that he pulled that made Clark so completely inappropriate for me.

I gave myself one day to cry. And I wasn't even crying over Clark. No, I was too busy crying as I ripped myself a new one for being so fucking stupid.

But I'm over that now. Ish.

I was vulnerable and he saw that and got what he was looking for. And, I guess I got what I was looking for too... And that experience helped me to keep the 23-year-old out of my bed. And I keep telling him that. But he keeps contacting me. Oy. Poor kid.

But that out-of-state road trip... Totally amazing... Too much fun... I saw dear friends I hadn't seen in far too long... We got kicked out of a restaurant and, shockingly, it wasn't even my fault... I got an amazing tattoo that I've planned for nearly two years... I spent a significant amount of time with Wendy and saw her do something she'd never done before... And all that time, I thought I just might have a boyfriend.

And I liked that.

So, it was a learning experience. And I looked back at my list and I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I was so willing to overlook two glaring omissions in Clark... He's not a coffee drinker and he doesn't read. And I knew the first time we spoke that he doesn't read. What was I thinking???

And I need to keep my wits about me... The Ex will be up to his old tricks pretty soon... So, no matter how great everything is right now, it's not going to last. Oh, hell, no. So, I need to stop thinking that stuff, too...

I'm getting pretty good and deleting stuff. Phone numbers, pictures, email addresses... I don't want to be the psycho chick. I won't be. No matter how tempting it is to demand some kind of an answer. I can draw my own conclusions, chalk it up to a learning experience, and stay away.

But then there's Brendan... And after a day of wondering and crying and shit, I have a plan... And I'm excited about it... And I'm not deleting his information... Because that guy could actually be worth it... He pretty much is lots of things on the list... And while there are a few things I have yet to discover about him (we haven't even kissed yet! (Holy clarity, did I just type "yet"???)), I haven't been able to get him out of my head... Even with all of that other stuff I've been doing...

Eight days from now, I will know. And, shockingly, my hopes are back up.

Because I realized something yesterday... And I put it up on the dating website and everything... That I'm not looking for something that is meaningless. I'm looking for something real.

I'm ready to care about someone. Someone special. Someone worthy.

So, even though the flowers I bought for myself last week are still looking beautiful, I'm ready for a new bouquet...

And I'm going to try to be done with the compromising... Although I do know that I told D the truth that day... I never wanted anything Forever with Clark... I wouldn't have minded a few more interludes, but whatever. I'm moving to the grateful place... Grateful that he gave me what he did, got me through those few days (when I might have done something even more stupid??? (And, yes, if you were in my head, you'd realize that there are certainly a few things that would be even more stupid than what I did with him)), and then let me go...

And realizing that he's the 2nd guy in a few weeks to become all uncommunicative and shit... Made me realize that I had some unfinished business to take care of... And I wrote the letter of apology that was long overdue... Like, six years overdue.

But it's never too late to do the right thing... And even if she decides to hate me forever, I'm okay with that. I went against my instincts years ago... Just like I did a couple of weeks ago... But I'm learning my lessons... I'm still evolving... And I want to be around the people who like the person I am... Not the person I pretend to be when I'm drunk and hurting.

So, Universe... I have this to say...

The man I'm looking for??? He can be scared... But he has to decide to take the risk... Even if I'm the one who has to present it. He can either fight for me or be willing to be fought for... And, yes, Universe... He has to be someone I can be Friends with... And it's okay to start there.

Ish.

::giggle::

All in good time...

Timing is everything.

I am a hopeful girl. I live in Reality but dwell in Possibility.

One of those stupid notecards had a sentence on it: Tell the truth.

And when I saw that sentence, I knew what I needed to say. But I didn't say it.

Later I would question why I didn't tell him that one thing. Because that one thing would remove that one obstacle he kept insisting was there. Was I sabotaging us? Was I not telling him that one thing because if I removed that obstacle then I'd actually have to try to be with him? Or was it that he truly didn't need to know? What was my motivation for that?

I got myself pretty worked up on Tuesday about that one thing. I had this sick feeling in my stomach about it. I just knew that I should have told him. But could I fix it? And would it make any difference?

So, I called Leon. And he took my call, which I find surprising still.

I told him I would tell him the truth, but could he tell me first if my impression of our situation was correct? Because I had gotten the impression that he's done. That he's not even willing to entertain the idea of a possible future down the line. "Yeah, I'm leaning that way."

So it shouldn't have mattered when I told him the truth. The thing I'd kept from him for two months.

I apologized for not having told him sooner, but that it should prove that his excuse was ridiculous (I don't think I used that word to him. But it's the word I hear in my head now. LOL).

He told me it was okay.

And then instantly came up with another excuse. This time about how we're incompatible. That his lifestyle wouldn't be okay for me. Um, WTF? "Yesterday I told you a bunch of reasons why I love you for who you are, and now you're deciding that we're incompatible?"

He went on to tell me that "I would have to make major changes to my lifestyle to be with you and I just don't see that happening anytime soon."

It got a little escalated. It ended with apologies from both of us and quickly getting off the phone. His last words were, "I'll talk to you later."

And I pretty much lost it when we got off the phone. AD got the initial breakdown.

Later CF called me... And I explained to her what had happened over the previous twenty-four hours. At one point she said, "You know, he'll figure it out. He'll miss you in a few years, when he grows up."

And I stopped her and said, "He's thirty-five years old. This is not a man who is going to grow." And I told her to hold on while I wrote that down. And now I have a piece of paper on my desk that reads, "This is not a man who is going to grow."

That will stay there until I don't need it anymore.

And then I went to Therapy. And glared at my Therapist. And used up half a box of kleenex.

And told him by the end of our session that "I'm grateful for this pain. Because if I hadn't gone through this, I never would have known that he loves me. And I heard him say it. More than once. And I'm glad I did this now instead of waiting until the new year. Because now I can start healing now..."

And that's precisely it. When I heard him come up with yet another excuse the moment I poked holes in the original one, I realized that this is a man who is so fearful of loving someone that he will sabotage it before it even starts. And this is a man who is still communicating with someone who has done nearly as horrific things to him as HRT did to me. And someone who will invite that drama into his world is not someone whom I should be around.

Sadly, I lost respect for him in those moments. And that's not something he's going to have the chance to get back.

But in the midst of all of this pain, there has been so much joy... A colleague went out of her way to comment about how happy I am all the time. And today I told her that it meant a lot that she had said that yesterday because I had actually just had my heart broken into a thousand pieces. And she hugged me. And that was so great.

And I'm planning my next races and found out that one of them involves an extra day in which I can finally get the tattoo (maybe two?!?!) that I've been dreaming about...

And Roger texted me the very next morning to say "good morning"...

And my students are amazing... One of them gave me an antenna ball with a football helmet from my favorite team. This is a kid I had thought didn't even like me. And he's giving me presents. And displaying integrity by pointing out that his last test was graded incorrectly and he actually had earned a lower grade than the one he'd been assigned.

Wow. Bet that kid's not gonna grow up and run away from the woman he loves. Maybe he'll even stop smoking for her... Or at least give her the chance to decide if she wants to take on helping him with that.

Oops. Projecting again. Sorry. Haha.

But after last weekend and these last few days, I'm realizing that, once again, everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am grateful for not having delayed this heartache. I'm supposed to be experiencing it right now...

Hmmm... Maybe one of my characters is going to go through a horrific breakup.

Haha.

I need to make my bones.

The epiphanies are coming at me right and left.

The words my friends say to me stay with me. They may not be easy to hear, but they are necessary.

I am learning to set boundaries.

And I'm sticking to them.

It's the strangest thing.

I had an unexpected therapy session on Monday. After a lovely weekend.

I was at the Swap Meet with TF and my Girlz. And I nearly cried when I hugged each of them. It was so beautiful to be in their presence once again...

TF had mentioned awhile back that she wanted to get a matching tattoo with me. A plumeria. And I told her that I don't really believe in getting matching tattoos with people. My maid of honor had asked me to years ago, and I refused... She and I ran into each other at a conference two summers ago. We hadn't spoken in three years.

I have a tattoo to represent my momma, and my son. That's it. I've never gotten a tattoo with a man's name on me. I wouldn't. I don't believe in it. The HRT decided he wanted to get a tattoo to "represent our relationship" and I discouraged him. (Now I wish I'd let him. Because that would be damned funny!)

But on that overcast Sunday morning, when I saw something with a plumeria on it, I realized I can get a matching tattoo with TF. Because I believe in her. I believe in our friendship. She is absolutely true and forever.

And when I told her I wanted to get a plumeria with her, she instantly understood what I was saying... And it was a moment. They will be slightly different. The accent color will be different, and she will get a letter in hers to represent her boys, and I will get a letter in mine to represent my girlZ.

And I wondered if I can handle the pain of three tattoos in one session.

And then I had her over to my home. And she brought me flowers. And then Ari came with my wine... And I made a wonderful Italian dressing with the good olive oil and the gourmet balsamic vinegar... For a dinner I made for someone worthy... Who understood why he was invited on a Sunday and not another day. And he respected that. And I set my boundaries and stuck to them, and they were respected.

Wow.

So, I bounced into therapy all excited, and just gushing about how great things are. And how I'm paying my bills and I have money left over to buy new stuff for my little boy. And that I'm a better mom than I had been while I was in that marriage. And even though Mel dropped me because she thought I was a bad mom, I am proving her wrong every minute.

But on my way there, I had this moment of ClaRiTy. That I am blessed by these true friendships. That I lied to so many for so long, and that they love me anyway.

And tears spilled over when I remembered those girls from last summer... The ones who decided to use those lies as their excuse for dropping me. For cruelty.

And it made the realization of these friendships so much sweeter.

My therapist threw all kinds of positive feedback my way...

And then told me that I have to have a conversation with my husband... The one where I get to tell him I think he's an alcoholic, and to tell him the consequences of what will happen if he ever puts our son in the car if he's under the influence.

The conversation would take place last night.

Oh, but first, my electricity would be turned off. Because I never got a bill for a deposit. Or the phone call they were supposed to have placed. There was a disconnection notice, which went unnoticed, because I am somewhat bad about checking the mailbox which is all the way across the complex. In my entire life, I have never had my utilities disconnected. But, the guy I paid rolled his eyes when I said that.

Anyway, the conversation got a little heated, but ultimately, we both have our son's best interests at heart. And he will be okay.

And I got the utility thing figured out (the lady totally apologized for the "inconvenience" and admitted their wrongdoing, but it still meant I would be powerless until today).

And I spent an evening with candles and flashlights and continued with my EPL regimen.

And I find that different things get to me now while I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time.

The whole soulmate thing? The thing that had me all breathless and freaking out last time?

I almost skimmed it. Because it's just accepted. "Yeah, yeah. He's my soulmate. We're not together. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Moving on."

And today as I crossed my campus, something hit me...

I have had some pretty awful things happen since I left my husband and our home. But I have never once regretted that decision. I've never second-guessed myself on that decision.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says, "What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismissing them.... It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength. Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones"."

She goes on to add "So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

And it hit me today: I AM IN THAT PLACE.

I'm not beating myself up over decisions I've made that may have looked like mistakes. I'm not thinking that I shouldn't have moved here because then I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs because of a nasty neighbor. I'm not calling myself an idiot for letting the utilities get cut off. (Shut up, TF. Yes, I will be more vigilant about getting my mail. I did pick it up today. Two days in a row! Mad skillz. :P) I'm just looking at it as one little kink to work out before this well-oiled machine moves itself along.

And shut up, Zabba. Because I know I should have moved out a year ago.

But the fact of the matter is this:

Everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am here, and I am happy, and things are good. I can see whom I want, I can be whom I want. I can live, love, and laugh.

And now I'm off to do that.