Cleaning House.

I'm de-cluttering. Big-time.

From May: "I like grownup dating. I like doing my own thing, seeing [someone] when I can. Because I can truly appreciate those moments when we're together... I like my realities, meeting [someone] for 5 minutes at the coffee shop, sitting quietly together... Marriage is finding those moments within "real life" to connect... I love [getting away], but I love my life here too... We deserve those special moments outside of reality, but we deserve to appreciate the ones while we're in it."

From July: "...continue to plan for the future while we take it one day at a time."

I had an amazing day today at work. Utterly amazing. Wonderful. Fantastic.

But as the weekend approaches, I find myself thinking about my husband.

And how the thing I probably loved most about Eric is that I never wondered if he was thinking about me. Because he truly made an effort to show me that he was always thinking about me. With the emails, phone calls, visits, surprises left on my doorstep, etc.

I haven't seen my husband in three days. We've spoken briefly, but not about anything of consequence. And this afternoon on my way home, I found myself pondering the situation with him. I feel incredibly disconnected from him. I called him out on Tuesday (kindly, don't worry!) about his lack of courtesy over the weekend when I was so sick. (He'd promised to call and stop by and did neither, and then said, "You could have called me." Argh. On a thousand levels, argh!) We did have a decent conversation that evening, but I guess I just feel like maybe he's just going through the motions right now. Going to therapy and spending time together as a family, but not really trying to make an effort with me on a more intimate level. Maybe I'm just feeling this way because of Eric's unexpected return (brief! And not in person!) to my world.

But this morning, I found an incredible deal for a getaway. And I sent the information to a friend who would probably jump at the chance to share it with his wife. I didn't even mention it to my husband. And then I deleted the information.

It's like I'm not very hopeful anymore about us.

I'm hoping this is just a mood. I'll be seeing him in 20 minutes, and he did call me an hour ago to check and make sure we were still on for tonight.

And I look around my apartment and I don't want him here on a more permanent basis. And then I find myself wondering if I would miss my life here if/when we move back in together. Obviously, the joys of being with my son every night would far outweigh any missing of this life I could possibly do. And I want to take some of this life with me when I do go back.

But I'm scared. Because I feel these glimmers inside of myself. I know that I could very easily fall in love with him again. And that is something I know from experience is hard to get over. Well, over...Ish.

All it would take is the smallest bit of effort on his part.

So, I'm going to be grateful for him NOT taking that step with me right now. Because I'm afraid that with the smallest bit from him that I would be all in.

And I need more. I deserve more.

It's going to be an interesting weekend.

All in good time...

Timing is everything.

I am a hopeful girl. I live in Reality but dwell in Possibility.

One of those stupid notecards had a sentence on it: Tell the truth.

And when I saw that sentence, I knew what I needed to say. But I didn't say it.

Later I would question why I didn't tell him that one thing. Because that one thing would remove that one obstacle he kept insisting was there. Was I sabotaging us? Was I not telling him that one thing because if I removed that obstacle then I'd actually have to try to be with him? Or was it that he truly didn't need to know? What was my motivation for that?

I got myself pretty worked up on Tuesday about that one thing. I had this sick feeling in my stomach about it. I just knew that I should have told him. But could I fix it? And would it make any difference?

So, I called Leon. And he took my call, which I find surprising still.

I told him I would tell him the truth, but could he tell me first if my impression of our situation was correct? Because I had gotten the impression that he's done. That he's not even willing to entertain the idea of a possible future down the line. "Yeah, I'm leaning that way."

So it shouldn't have mattered when I told him the truth. The thing I'd kept from him for two months.

I apologized for not having told him sooner, but that it should prove that his excuse was ridiculous (I don't think I used that word to him. But it's the word I hear in my head now. LOL).

He told me it was okay.

And then instantly came up with another excuse. This time about how we're incompatible. That his lifestyle wouldn't be okay for me. Um, WTF? "Yesterday I told you a bunch of reasons why I love you for who you are, and now you're deciding that we're incompatible?"

He went on to tell me that "I would have to make major changes to my lifestyle to be with you and I just don't see that happening anytime soon."

It got a little escalated. It ended with apologies from both of us and quickly getting off the phone. His last words were, "I'll talk to you later."

And I pretty much lost it when we got off the phone. AD got the initial breakdown.

Later CF called me... And I explained to her what had happened over the previous twenty-four hours. At one point she said, "You know, he'll figure it out. He'll miss you in a few years, when he grows up."

And I stopped her and said, "He's thirty-five years old. This is not a man who is going to grow." And I told her to hold on while I wrote that down. And now I have a piece of paper on my desk that reads, "This is not a man who is going to grow."

That will stay there until I don't need it anymore.

And then I went to Therapy. And glared at my Therapist. And used up half a box of kleenex.

And told him by the end of our session that "I'm grateful for this pain. Because if I hadn't gone through this, I never would have known that he loves me. And I heard him say it. More than once. And I'm glad I did this now instead of waiting until the new year. Because now I can start healing now..."

And that's precisely it. When I heard him come up with yet another excuse the moment I poked holes in the original one, I realized that this is a man who is so fearful of loving someone that he will sabotage it before it even starts. And this is a man who is still communicating with someone who has done nearly as horrific things to him as HRT did to me. And someone who will invite that drama into his world is not someone whom I should be around.

Sadly, I lost respect for him in those moments. And that's not something he's going to have the chance to get back.

But in the midst of all of this pain, there has been so much joy... A colleague went out of her way to comment about how happy I am all the time. And today I told her that it meant a lot that she had said that yesterday because I had actually just had my heart broken into a thousand pieces. And she hugged me. And that was so great.

And I'm planning my next races and found out that one of them involves an extra day in which I can finally get the tattoo (maybe two?!?!) that I've been dreaming about...

And Roger texted me the very next morning to say "good morning"...

And my students are amazing... One of them gave me an antenna ball with a football helmet from my favorite team. This is a kid I had thought didn't even like me. And he's giving me presents. And displaying integrity by pointing out that his last test was graded incorrectly and he actually had earned a lower grade than the one he'd been assigned.

Wow. Bet that kid's not gonna grow up and run away from the woman he loves. Maybe he'll even stop smoking for her... Or at least give her the chance to decide if she wants to take on helping him with that.

Oops. Projecting again. Sorry. Haha.

But after last weekend and these last few days, I'm realizing that, once again, everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am grateful for not having delayed this heartache. I'm supposed to be experiencing it right now...

Hmmm... Maybe one of my characters is going to go through a horrific breakup.

Haha.