Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"

*sigh*

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...

A bump in the road...

I slept for about 16 hours last night. Well, rested. I slept from 4-9, then was up, reading, for a couple of hours, and then went back to sleep until after 8 this morning.

I needed it.

After a wonderful chat with V, I decided to drop this month's class. I'll take it in March, instead.

I've been slowly unpacking, getting things organized, doing some laundry... Missing my boy.

I called his dad this afternoon to talk to him. And it took nearly 4 hours before he called me back. They'd had a good day. Friends came over for basketball, so T got to play with his cousins... T can't wait to see me on Tuesday... I can't wait, either... It was all I could do to hold it together when he asked to "say quick words so we don't have to later", and we fell into our routine... I want to just hold him and snuggle him so badly!! I pretty much cried when we got off the phone...

Earlier, I was thinking about how I have this new place to blog... Hoping Cinderella doesn't find me too quickly... Wondering if I should delete those comments which use my first name...

And remembering how TheRaPist keeps telling me to blog it. Blog it all. Keep blogging.

And how I've been a blogger for years now. And HRT knew that. And preyed upon it. And I thought he loved that about me. But he really just wanted to stifle me. Change me. Use me. Even when I told him that "the next guy will know who I am and not ever try to stifle that..."

And then it hit me that M wanted to stifle me, too. Wanted me to be the little wife who stays at home and cooks and stuff. And while I do like to cook (shut up, you guys!), I want to do so much more...

Not that this weekend has been a shining example of that.

What with the staying in pajamas and sleeping and such.

But it's coming... The kickass chick you all know and love will be back... She's already making plans.

And it'll be great.

Because there are lessons I've learned over the last couple of years that I'm only now able to put into practice...

ClaRiTy comes in waves... But this place... This thing I've been moving towards... Every step I've taken along the way is making sense now... Every person who has come into my world... Every little thing I've held onto... Every little thing I've let go of...

There's the thesaurus. And the Minute Rice stuff... And the animal cookies. And the postcard that came from the OBX Marathon.... My mom on the bookshelf... Surrounded by angels...

It's gonna be great... And in the moments when it's not quite great, it's still gonna be okay.

Love and Light... (and shit. LOL.)