Okay, this one was a tailspin.

Okay, so the good thing about being all in tune with myself is that I know when I'm getting off-track and I do something about it.

Sunday wasn't a tizzy. It was a full-fledged tailspin... But I didn't want to go there.

So, I got a little quiet... Avoided the internets for a bit (damn internets. Checking on someone I care about showed me things I didn't need to see)...

Spent lots of time crying... Cupcake heeded my call. And calmed me enough to get through my Monday.

And I called my therapist. Who couldn't really fit me in, so I would just see him at the usual time on Thursday... I said, "Well, do you have a moment for me to ask you a quick question??" He listened as I mentioned three things... Mother's Day is fast-approaching. The last baby I lost was due last Mother's Day. And one other. He said, "Well, my quick answer is "yes, I will see you tomorrow at 7:30!""

Phew.

I did spend some time with M today and mentioned a few of the things that were bothering me... And he told me that perhaps I needed this reminder that not everybody places the same value upon a friendship. That, perhaps, a particular friend is more important to me than I am to her... And reminded me that when a relationship ends, one doesn't usually get to stay in touch with the other person's kids. Even when one person can be a grownup about it and not deny the kids.

After a wonderful dinner with him and with the kidlet, I was off to therapy... Where I used a half a box of kleenex... And he reminded me that I am a person who loves love. And that other people may be on a sort of cycle... That, yes, he or she may love me a lot at a certain time, but then they hit a place in their cycle where they don't love me so much... And maybe it's hormones or whatever, but during that down, they may deny that there were ever the ups when it came to me.

Huh.

Wait, so it's not always about me?

So, apparently, I have to be patient and shit. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

But at least it gives me some clarity. But it also brings me back to the crossroads I faced before... Can I accept that in someone? Or not.

So, there I was, thinking that while it had only been two days, not too many people had even seemed to realize I'd been offline... Did I really even matter?

And then I got IP's text. Telling me that they were still at dinner. She was drunk, and I was already in the parking lot, but she took the time to think of me and made me know I was wanted there. And that felt so good. So validating. I felt loved.

And Q... Who was on her third Cadillac... I was glad I was there because I would make sure she got home. And she listened. And didn't seem to notice my eyes that were glowing red and my nose, all puffy... And we talked about how there are people in my inner circle (and maybe even the 2nd or 3rd circle!) who would take a stand for me... And how I don't think it's wrong to expect that. Because I'm not hoping for something I wouldn't do for someone I love...

And I've proven that over and over... And I told Q about how I got that friend request on Facebook... From a guy who seemed to think that because it had been something like 14 years since we'd seen each other that we would catch up and be all buddy-buddy. Oh, but wait... There was history... He'd taken advantage of a friend of mine way back then... And while I haven't talked to her in at least 12 years (no falling-out, we just grew apart), I was still loyal to her. And explained to him that 14 years hadn't been long enough and if he wanted me to explain, I would take the time to do so.

But at the end of the day, I knew he'd done a horrible thing to someone I cared about and I couldn't be a part of that. I don't want that in my world.

And I'm not looking for drama. I'm not looking for someone to cause some huge scene. But I'm looking to be closest to people who would go to bat for me. People who want me around in their own worlds because, for some reason, they think I can add something to theirs.

I'm looking for people who add something to mine... Branching out a bit... I have a plan to run with a colleague this weekend.

And I've got another therapy session in just two days. Which is good. Because at the end of the day, I'm always a mom who has an amazing little boy... I will celebrate being his mom on Sunday (as I do every day)... But I'm also a girl who is without one. And that's hard.

Okay, I'm embracing that. Expressing that. And now, going to bed.

Goodnight.

A tizzy is not quite a tailspin.

Things are good. I'm not quite the spaz I was just a couple of months ago. Things still get to me (I'm still me!), but I am not quite the mountain-maker of molehills I was.

In this place, I don't have quite the OCD thing going that I did.

Back at the house, I would check and re-check the front door several times before I could go to bed. And if M wasn't around, I always left the tv on and fell asleep to it.

I don't even have a tv in my bedroom anymore.

And I'm not constantly checking my alarm 18 times before falling asleep. And then waking up to check it during the night.

I sleep better here. For the most part.

I miss my son madly. He left on Saturday and I didn't see him again until Tuesday. And by Tuesday morning, I was pretty down.

Luckily, my FB pals cheered me up. (FML, anyone???)

CoffeeLady said some things to me the other day that I've been pondering. And trying to cut ties. And being clear in my expectations and standiong up for myself.

But the Sundays I don't have T are hard. And when I worked on homework all friggin' afternoon late into the night, I was not thrilled.

And then I find myself processing it out... And talking more openly. And realizing that there are people in my world who came into it because, apparently, the appeal of a married woman was intriguing. And it seemed safe then.

And there are people in my world who say really tough things to me. Because I need to hear them. And I'm not feeling quite as fragile as I was. But I am still a bit.

K2B told me that he was surprised at how well I'm adjusting. He thought it would take me longer to find happiness being away from M. I guess things had simply gotten so uncomfortable there that anything would be better.

And I am so glad not to be with him anymore. I'm finding that he's not my closest confidante anymore. I haven't asked him to go to marriage counseling in more than a week. (I'd pretty much mentioned it every couple of days since before moving out.)

I'm still being really generous with him, though. I care about it. If T and I are going to dinner, I invite M to join us.

But then today... We had a conference with T's teacher. And I had assumed we'd go grab some food and discuss it with him. But M's mom was making dinner for them. Which she does all the time, apparently... Lucky boys to be living with his folks. But I'm not ever invited to do that.

*shrug*

Easter's not for a month, but I'm already sad about it. I wandered through the drug store this afternoon and stopped myself from buying stuff... I'll still probably get a few things for T, but I am not spending money on his cousins anymore... I used to really enjoy putting together the Easter buckets, though.

*sigh*

And I had just found out that a student I've been working hard with... He's a little punk. I don't particularly like him. But I've been consistent with him, trying so hard to help him. I found out today that he's in quite a bit of trouble... And I can't help but question if maybe we could have saved him if only.... If only... If only...

Then there's the matter of the soul mate. Not to be confused with the SoulMate, of course.

Sometimes I can't stand that people really get me and they encourage me to take a stand when I really think maybe I should just let stuff go... Let the next person worry about it... But, no. Apparently, I'm the one who's in the privileged position of saying the hard things...

So, I did.

And that got me all kinds of mixed-up.

Good thing I have TheRaPy tomorrow.

Because I'm not going into a tailspin over this stuff... I'm just going to work on my homework, get it done so I can play with IP this weekend for her birthday. Eat some dinner. And be grateful for the solitude.

Grateful for the solitude. Grateful for the solitude.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I love that I don't have to do my husband's laundry anymore?

*contented sigh*

I'm doing laundry now. And it's really so very easy here.

*grin*

Okay, dinner. Going now.