The best laid plans...

By Friday, Eric and I were talking again. Constant texts and emails throughout the day. I found myself getting lulled back into him... Feeling stupid for all of these breakups and re-defining what we are to one another. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

And when we spoke that night, he described to me yet another interaction with his ex-wife. And that was it.

By the next morning, I told him we needed to go cold-turkey. No more talking. No more texts. No more emails. For a couple of days at least. I can't be his best friend. Not when a best friend would be able to listen to him process how he's feeling about her at any given moment. I can't do that and keep my sanity intact. It hurts too much.

I spent the rest of the day kicking ass. Building a bookcase. And on top of it, I placed an item he'd bought for me on the trip we took for my birthday. And I couldn't resist letting him know.

And that night I went out with friends. And got a little tipsy.

And, here's the thing: Not long ago, I shaved my head. For a thousand reasons (999 of them unselfish, shockingly), I drastically changed the way I look. I am very fortunate in that most people seem to agree that I am one of the lucky few who has a nicely shaped head. But still. I have no hair. And then I broke up with my boyfriend. Why, hello, single woman who won't be finding another man anytime soon!

Haha.

But that night, I was strutting. Feeling good about myself. Confident. On a mission to kiss a stranger. Because that would make me feel good.

It didn't happen. I performed a random act of kindness or two before heading home, but I was going home early and I was going home alone.

Some neighbors were hanging out outside as I walked toward my apartment. And the sexy Indian guy asked me what had happened to my hair. And I explained and they all said it was very noble of me. And the Indian guy told me I am beautiful and asked me if I had any plans right then and did I want to go shoot some pool?

I turned him down for a hundred different reasons, but wow, did I feel good about having been asked!?!

And that was about when I was getting pretty horny. (What? I do! And sometimes the vibrator simply won't cut it.) But I didn't want a stranger. I wanted Eric. I mean, I really, really, really wanted Eric.

And I knew he wouldn't have his kids on Sunday. I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend, but I began planning out a wicked little fantasy.

My plan was to go to his place, seduce him, sleep with him in his bed, and leave this morning, knowing I wouldn't see him or talk to him for a few weeks this time. I wanted to leave my mark on him, my scent in his bed... I wanted him to know what he was missing out on by not being able to love me while he still loves her.

Because I actually seem to have the ability to love more than one man at a time. I don't think the love I have for The Ex takes away from the love I have for Eric at all. Although, I suppose the love I have for Eric does temper the love I have for the Ex a bit. Hmm. I hadn't realized that until just now.

Anyway. Eric has told me before that for him, absence makes the heart grow fonder... So, I wanted to make damn sure he had something amazing to remember me by. And then while we were apart, he would realize how much he loves me and he would magically get over his fears and find his way back to me. That's when we would start our happily ever something or other.

Beautiful fantasy, right?

You're either thinking "Wow, she's brilliant." or "Gawd, what a bitch."

I didn't realize what a bitch I was until I was actually sitting next to him. Because, of course, he said I could see him when I asked. And, of course, he would pour me a glass of wine. And, of course, he would not be able to resist kissing me as he had last week.

I had him right where I wanted him.

My intentions were clear. He had no willpower to resist me. And, I will admit that made me feel pretty damn sexy. All was going according to my plan. I was finally able to show off the sexy underthings I'd purchased weeks earlier with him in mind, and things were going beautifully.

And then...

He said the words.

Fuck.

That SO wasn't what this was supposed to be about!

It was supposed to be about sex. (Shut up. Don't act like you've never used sex to get something you want. And I was just making a long-term investment. Shit.)

And he fucking tells me he loves me?!? Out loud for the first time?!? Gawd, why can't he just be a normal guy who just wants to get laid?

Eesh.

Of course, that wasn't enough to shut me down. And we spent a lovely night together. And I laughed about how "nothing screams "walk of shame" louder than heels click, click, clicking up the stairs at 6:30 in the morning..."

So, no. I didn't cut him off completely today. And I ended up telling him all about my evil little plan... Which, shockingly, did not include attempting to coerce him into telling me he loves me. I swear upon anything I could possibly find holy that was not my intention.

And he didn't just tell me once.

But I giggle about how when we spoke on the phone this afternoon, there was that awkward moment as we said goodbye... "Will he say it? Will I?"

Yeah. No. Not ready to throw that out there all casually for quite awhile.

So, once again, Retromama's a gal who pretty much gets what she wants when she goes after it. Although, every now and then she gets far more than she bargained for...

Today, she's grateful for all it turned out to be... But don't ask her where they stand because that's a big fat "I don't know."

She's just taking things as they come... Both literally and figuratively, apparently.

Now I get to choose between Quality and Quality.

Have you missed me?

I have.

Um, remember this? The list?

I just re-read it.

And, um...

So far, Eric is all of that. I don't know how he is in bed. Not that he didn't offer to let me find out... The first time we met.

Let me backtrack.

I was supposed to flee the state for Valentines Day weekend. And my friend ended up getting sick, so there I was... Alone... For the entire weekend. With no plans. Not a good place for me to be at that time.

It ended up being a lovely weekend. I spoke to Brendan while he was on a long drive... For, like, two hours. He even brought me into the convenience store while he stocked up on candy and water. I told him to get Spree, but that doesn't seem to be found very easily lately.

Anyway.

The next day, something happened that I wasn't clear about... And it turned out the ultrarunner that I'd been interested in last year knew what had happened... And we got to texting... And then I was sitting there reflecting... About how pivotal he was in my world. How he was a part of that Mother's Day weekend last year that changed everything... And I had never thanked him.

So, I did.

And we ended up meeting for dinner. And it was awesome. He promised to call the next day.

But I woke up thinking about Brendan.... Hoping he would call me on his way home. And perhaps we could meet. Because he pretty much has to drive through my town to get home. We texted that morning and he promised to call me on his way home.

And then the ultrarunner didn't call. I didn't expect the ultrarunner to call (nor did I particularly care. Except that I hadn't asked him to call. He simply volunteered when we'd said goodnight the night before). But I did expect Brendan to call.

In the meantime, someone contacted me through the dating website... And I found myself intrigued...

He'd posted what he's looking for in a woman...

What I look for in a woman: cute, funny, smart, sassy, honest, kind, open minded, intellectual curiosity, socially conscious, playful, affectionate, mischievous, down to earth, wine tasting fan, responsible, professional, independent, outdoorsy, reader, fan of the arts, single, good communication skills, movie lover, passionate, sensual, romantic, friend, adventurous, social

Um, hi? Has he been reading my blog?

We wrote back and forth a few times that day. I was totally entertained, but still had my hopes sky-high for Brendan. But then he didn't call.

So, there I was... Valentine's Day. I'd gotten to see my son for maybe an hour or two, but he wasn't with me that night. And I missed him. And then the boy I liked disappointed me. By breaking a promise.

So, when I opened a bottle of Cabernet that night and sat on the couch to feel sorry for myself, the tears came... And that's when the phone rang.

It was Brendan.

I quickly dried my tears and was pleasant on the phone. He wanted to follow through with the phone call he'd promised, but he waited until he got home... Hmmm...

The next day, the emails with the new guy flew fast and furiously... And then Brendan called that night. A spur-of-the-moment thing. And when we hung up, I got an email from the new guy... Asking me if we could talk. He wanted to "match the voice to the prose"... And I was excited to talk to him. I had been very much enjoying his emails. He's clever and funny... Asked me lots of really good questions...

We were on the phone til midnight.

And I liked him. I really liked him.

Which kind of confused me about how I felt about Brendan. I'd been putting in a lot of effort with him. Because he was worth it. I'd been calling him "my future husband, but he doesn't know it yet" for two months. Completely convinced that it was just a matter of time until he decided not to be afraid of our connection and to decide that we would be great.

And then Brendan didn't call the day he said he would. Again. Ugh.

So, then the new guy and I decided we could meet. His travel plans for work changed and could I meet him for lunch near my work? I couldn't, but we ended up meeting at my favorite coffee shop that afternoon.

And after four days of amazing phone calls and emails, we were both pretty excited.

I still spoke to Brendan on the way to work that morning. Didn't mention anything about the new guy (although I think he had stepped up the contact when I did mention I'd been on a date that weekend), but we had a great conversation. Totally connected. Again.

But I was anticipating meeting the new guy that afternoon. My body was humming with tension and excitement.

D talked me down while I was driving there... Told me to breathe and shit. Reminded me that I had been thinking Brendan was "the one" and how could I be so into someone else in such a short period of time?

And I talked it out. About how Brendan is actively working towards something in his work. And I love listening to him talk about it. But he says things about how he wants to be a man of his word. And yet... He hasn't been that with me. How many times does he get to promise he'll call at a particular time or on a particular day and then not and then I blow it off? I don't stand for that in others, why do I with him? Fears shmears. I was on my way to meet someone who absolutely had been showing me that he is interested in me.

And there he was.

And he gave me an amazing gift... Something beautiful and perfect for me.

And I was so completely not attracted to him.

Fuck.

But I stayed. And drank dirty chai. And got to know each other further. Ish.

And then he asked, "Do you want to get out of here?"

And I asked, warily, "And go where?"

"Back to my place," he replied.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't."

We went for a walk instead. And I couldn't find the words to tell this guy that I totally adored him, but was completely not attracted to him and could we just be really good friends?

But I still kissed him. Hoping I would feel something. But I didn't.

Within moments of driving away, he was texting me and emailing me. Apologizing for what he'd asked.

I told him I needed time to process and no, I wouldn't see him before he left town for work. But that I would talk to him when he got back...

We emailed for a couple of days... I called Brendan and asked him to meet me for dirty chai (he'd never tried it) that weekend. And he did.

And, again, we had a great time together. He told me his birthday was coming up the following week. And I called him out on how he tells me he'll call on a particular day and then doesn't. And that it's not okay. And he said he wouldn't do that anymore.

And I knew that the new guy had a date with someone else that night. I found myself wondering how it had gone. And I asked him. Because I wanted to be friends with him, right?

I went to bed and woke up to his response. He'd joked that he'd slept with her. And I didn't like that I felt a twinge of something when I read that. I was grateful that the next thing I read was that he'd been joking. But I was confused that I felt relieved.

Why did I care? I wasn't attracted to him. He can fuck whomever he chooses.

But I really, really liked him. And I must admit that I really, really appreciated that he pretty much really liked me. (He swore he wasn't in love with me. But that he was "smitten".)

And then something shifted. He went away for work. And it was like I was with him on that trip. He emailed often and texted and called me from hundreds of miles away. And he asked the greatest questions... Like about who my best friend is. And why was she my best friend? And I've been brutally honest with him, "Yes, if I had to choose today, I would say that we would be just friends... But I'm open to seeing you again... When we're not so nervous..."

And I love what he does for a living. It's something I admire. And he is really good at it. And I love that I'm never left wondering if he's thinking about me... Because he lets me know. And I have come to realize that I require that from someone I'm dating. I require daily contact. Even if it's just a text or something quick on a busy day. But that's not negotiable.

But I'd found Spree the day after I'd seen Brendan. And I bought it for him for his birthday. And I found a few other bits of perfection that he would totally love.

And on his birthday, I called him on my way to work. I got his voicemail, but left an adorable message.

I realized I was keeping my weekend free, hoping I would see him.

But then the new guy asked if I was around, and I found that I had decided I would see him on Friday night. I would wait til his kids went to bed and go see him. And we would keep it casual, and I would see how I felt about him when I was in his space. I felt like I wanted to be in control. And, I admit that I sensed that he would make himself available if I decided I wanted to see him. I made it very clear that he was not to ask me to have sex with him. Haha.

But then I didn't even hear from Brendan. I finally texted to ask if he'd gotten my voicemail. And he texted me right back and asked if he could call me Friday morning. After crying to TF, I responded adorably that he could (because it would be FRIDAY!! LOL.). She helped me decide that I wouldn't give him the other small gifts I'd purchased. But I could give him the card and the two rolls of Spree. Because that's small and cute.

I woke up Friday morning to an email sent from an airport from the new guy.

And Brendan didn't call.

And I found myself re-reading the Leon blogs. And seeing some major similarities.

So, I decided I would eat the Spree.

Fuck Brendan. I'm done.

And then I saw the new guy.

Eric.

And I was so much more comfortable with him. He served me wine (a zinfandel in a real zinfandel glass) and we just talked... And he told me that he never talks about his work. He just tells people he does government work. But he told me. And I find it utterly fascinating. And he talked about a celebration that is a few months away. And I found myself wanting to be a part of that. And then he told me he wants me to be a part of it. He'd asked me to bring my iPod because he wanted to hear what music I listen to. And I did. (This is pretty rare for me, actually, for some reason...)

And he asked me more questions and I told him about different friends and different relationships... I told him about how I'd been in a band several years ago and how much I miss it... He says I'm like an onion... That he wants to peel back the layers of me and that he is fascinated by the person I am... That there are so many facets to me.

And he's not running away, screaming. He doesn't seem to be intimidated by the gigantic personality that is RetroMama.

And then he told me he wanted to kiss me. And I let him.

And this time, I felt something. It was lovely.

And we just sat and held hands and hugged and talked and it was beautiful.

I got home at 1:30 in the morning... And I ate a red Spree.

I was in bed by 10 that night...

I just didn't specify whose... ;)

Apparently, 2010 is the year for RetroMama doing things she has never done before.

1. Wake up with face in a pot after drinking to the point of falling down.
2. Sex on a first date.

And that was just in the first week.

I met someone.

Still messing around with the online dating site... Was contacted by Clark. Exchanged a couple of emails and went to texting and a phone chat pretty quickly (as in all on the same day. I loved being off work this week!).

We started with stories about the holidays. His Christmas sounded somewhat like like my New Year. I told him I'd been told I needed to see the movie "The Hangover", and he told me he'd just gotten it and did I want to come over in a couple of days to watch it?

I told him that I wasn't a stupid girl and that I wouldn't go over to some stranger's house the first time we met.

He thought that was smart and asked if I would meet him for dinner. And then when I realized he's not 90 years old or 300 pounds, I could decide if I wanted to see the movie with him. So, I agreed. Turns out, he's a sheriff in a nearby town. And some of my former students will likely end up in his jurisdiction. LOL. Oh, and he lives in my town. And he is damn funny.

So, we met for dinner a couple of days later. And he's cute. And funny. And he teases me. And can take it. And I decided that, yes, I would go over to his house to watch the movie. I followed him to his house. And texted TF with the address, his real name, his badge number (because, of course, I'd asked to see his badge over dinner. I'm a dork, but it comes in handy!), etc. And I told him what I'd done as he brought me into his home and introduced me to his adorable (and totally well-behaved!) dog.

We watched the movie and just cuddled and stuff. I'd already decided I would make out with him, but I had no intention of doing anything else. I tend not to shave my legs when going on a first date. Just to be sure.

But then... I don't really know when I made the decision to go ahead and have sex with him anyway. But I did. And holy five orgasms later, I was really glad that I did!!!

Afterward, I told him that I'd never done that before... I jokingly covered my face and said, "Great, now you'll think I'm a whore!"

And his response was perfect:

"I didn't pay you, so you're not a whore... You're just a slut!"

I laughed so freaking hard that it hurt. Clark has the kind of sense of humor that I completely dig. He helped me get dressed and then asked if I was ready to do my "walk of shame", walked me out to my car, kissed me, and sent me on my way.

I went home feeling VERY mixed up. Totally happy that I'd met a great guy and had had amazing sex. But realizing that I actually really liked this guy, and had I screwed up any chance of it being anything more???

And then I saw him again the next night. (D and E are cringing now.)

And, yes. Once again, had amazing sex.

I haven't seen him since, but we've been in contact every day. I keep listening to the voicemail he left yesterday over and over again.

Shit. I really like this guy.

And I've come to some powerful realizations about myself recently. Some of which I shared with a colleague yesterday...

I can and will survive a broken heart.

So I am done hiding my true self from others. If I decide to fall in love, I will do that.

Because 2010 is the year in which I will love and I will be loved. But I will not fear loving hard. Because that is who I am.

Maybe that's what 2010 will be for me. For the first time, I will be true to myself in all that I do. And there will be those who accept that and love that and join me on this journey. There will be those who step away.

But I will enjoy every beautiful thing that comes my way this year.

I will hold onto the words that my sister said to me yesterday... "You seem much calmer..." She hadn't seen me in a year. And it was lovely to see myself through her eyes and realize that, yes, I am calmer. And I am attracting more quality people to me.

I will not lose sight of how out-of-control I was just 10 days ago. And how lucky I am that I wasn't a victim that night. But I am putting "quality" out into the universe and that's what I'm receiving in return. When a non-quality individual crosses my path, I am much quicker to cut them out... But I'm doing so with grace and with dignity...

Maybe too much grace and dignity?

Because I had to break up with the 23-year-old again a couple of days ago... Poor kid. Suddenly, I made the connection that he reminds me a bit of myself... The one who couldn't let go.

But today I spent about an hour going through my closet and making a pile of things that I am going to donate to charity... And then I spent some time going through my phone and deleting a bunch of texts and emails that I had saved to remind me not to go back to a certain place... And I felt strong enough to know that I no longer need those messages. Because I am becoming better at letting go.

This year I hope to learn to be better at holding on. Or becoming someone that a like-minded person would like to hold onto...

Clark said something about "you're just out of a marriage. You don't want a relationship."

But I'm actually two years out of that marriage. We took off our rings 25 months ago. And I'm more than a year past my last "boyfriend".

So, I think I'm getting close to ready. For something more. And maybe it will be Clark. Maybe I didn't screw everything up by having (amazing!!!) sex on the first date. Or maybe I did. But regardless, I'm not going to regret one minute I've spent with him. Because he is very obviously someone I was supposed to meet when I did.

And if I'm hurtling toward heartbreak by imagining myself introducing him to my friends (did I mention I never saw myself doing that with CJ?), and actually maybe waking up with him one morning, then so be it. I'll recover from that if I have to...

But maybe this time I won't have to. Time will tell.

Stood up.

Dear CJ,

Thank you.

Thank you for being a nice, somewhat normal guy.

Thank you for that banter in the beginning. Hell, even up until yesterday afternoon.

Thank you for enjoying the brownie and for telling me so.

Thank you for respecting my wishes that night. And for making me stick to my rules.

Thank you for being so pivotal in getting me to complete my second novel. (I do hope that when it gets published next month, you'll get a copy. Because there's something in it just for YOU.)

Thank you for getting me out and about to watch football and to see movies and to see the lights that night.

Thank you for kissing me in parking lots.

Thank you for answering my questions (well, until the last few days).

Thank you for telling me that you like me and that I'm very sexy.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Thank you for making me come.

Thank you for not having sex with me.

Thank you for helping me see that Leon would never be worthy. Even though you never knew he even existed.

Thank you for asking me good questions. Thank you for asking hard questions. Thank you for not holding any of those answers against me.

I'm sorry that the fact that I was alone for nearly 48 hours starting on Christmas Day affected you. I don't quite understand the dynamics of your family stuff, so it was hard for me to accept when I didn't hear from you. I'm sorry that the fact that I was taking on a 50k race (hence, the Race Mode attitude) affected you. And I'm sorry that there was a PMS issue there, too.

But if you were done, you really could have told me. And you could have let it end on Saturday. You didn't have to act like I mattered more than I actually do. You didn't have to beg for a chance to have a conversation. You didn't have to check on me after my race and be all sympathetic when you heard how messed up I was.

And you certainly didn't have to flirt with me all afternoon yesterday. And ask me to dinner. And then when I said I couldn't do dinner, you didn't have to tell me that you would come up and see me. And be all smiley and winky about it.

And when you realized you had woken up from an unplanned nap, you should have picked up the phone and called me. Instead of texting me to ask if I would still be willing to meet with you another night.

You could have just let it go.

Which, apparently, is what you've done today. But without even a call or a text.

And that is pretty much the first shitty thing you've done. Well, aside from dragging it out.

So, I hope you listen to the voicemail I left you.

And I hope you know that even though you were, supposedly, afraid of hurting me, you didn't.

I may be confused. I may be surprised. But I'm not that sad to see you go. You weren't "the one". And I knew that. But you were a nice guy to practice on for awhile. You were fun. And I liked you.

And, hey, you got me to stop sleeping with the 23-year-old. No, I didn't give him up FOR you. But it was time to give him up before he got hurt (oops?).

Maybe I'd be more upset if I wasn't reminded with increasing clarity just how many blessings there are in my world. If I didn't have this amazing little boy who brings me constant joys. Or if I didn't have amazing and wonderful friends whom I love fiercely and who love me back. Or if I wasn't hearing from Brendan again. Or if I didn't know that I'm fleeing the county in another sleep and won't be back until 2010.

But I do have those wonderful things in my world.

And while I feel this weird sense of unfinishedness (I get to make up words. Deal with it.), I am hoping that a few days away will help to alleviate that.

So, bye, CJ. I'm actually bummed that it ended like this. But I'm not all that bummed that it's ended.

Take care,
RetroMama

Potty Talk.

When I moved out, I knew I needed an apartment with two bathrooms. Having shared a bathroom with two boys for years, I knew that one thing that would be lovely for me would be to have a bathroom of my own. And nobody else would get to pee in it.

CF totally understood. "Yes, I can totally have sex with a guy in my bed, but he can't pee in my bathroom." Uh-uh. The bathroom is mine.

I remember when I was thinking the day would come when I might have sex with Leon... And I kept telling myself I needed to clean my bathroom. Because if I had sex with him, he'd probably stay over and stuff. And I hadn't let anyone stay over. Uh-uh. I have been a "have my way with them and kick them OUT" kind of gal lately.

When I thought Leon would be picking me up from the airport, I was overwhelmed with the idea that I needed to make sure to clean my bathroom before I left town.

But then I didn't. And I told myself that I would make sure I wouldn't invite him to stay if I didn't have a clean (enough) bathroom.

Apparently, that was my little passive-aggressive way to keep me from letting anyone stay. To keep me from letting anyone get close enough to me. I think the clean bathroom almost became a metaphor for my love life.

I had a good excuse in November. I was noveling. I may have vacuumed once during that month. And that's pretty much it. Dishes piled up, laundry too. It's the nature of the beast that is NaNoWriMo.

As soon as December hit, I caught up on the housework. But only the very basic cleaning in the bathroom. Very basic. Certainly not "let someone else go in there" worthy.

The first time the 23-year-old came over, he went off to my bathroom to clean up. And I was pretty close to having a panic attack. Not kidding. Hated the idea of a boy peeing in my bathroom. That was MY space. He didn't belong there. He could put his penis in my vagina, but was NOT allowed to pee in my toilet. I directed him to the other bathroom the next time. And the brat still tried to make a break for my bathroom on another occasion. I did not allow this.

So, CJ and I had the talk I had decided it was time for. And he answered all of my questions... And then asked me some really good questions. Hard questions. Questions that made me think. And didn't hold a single answer against me. Totally respectful. Asked me if we ended up having sex if I was willing to date him and see where it could go. Or if I wanted no strings attached.

And shockingly, I realized I am open to seeing where it will go. While I'm not ready to be "all in" and be his girlfriend, I'm actually open to moving forward cautiously, but with my heart and eyes wide open.

Weird.

And he asked me out. For Saturday night. And wants to take me someplace that I have always wanted to go. But I haven't. We had already established a date for Thursday. And I thought we would go there then. But he said he wanted to make it Saturday, but still wanted to see me Thursday. And I was flattered and touched.

I cried on the way to work the next day. Because I felt happy. I imagined being out with him on Saturday night, enjoying where we would be, looking at him and being so grateful that he is the one that brought me to that place... And the tears spilled over. I hope I don't actually cry when we're actually there. LOL.

And we're in pretty regular communication. He's not afraid to let me know that he's thinking about me. And he's not afraid to step back and let me do my thing. I am not quite sure how to deal with that. I like it a lot, but it's so unfamiliar to me.

Okay, I wrote that last sentence and my eyes filled with tears. How sad that it's unfamiliar to me for someone to be attracted to me, want to be with me, and yet unafraid to let me kick ass like I do.

Huh. I did not give CJ enough credit.

And we did go out on Thursday. And he got me pretty hot and bothered, but sent me home alone because he didn't want to pass his cold along to me. As we were hugging and (not) kissing outside my car that night, we heard my phone indicate a text. Which I ignored until I got in the car to head home.

Of course it was 23-year-old. Making it clear what he was hoping would happen later.

And I shut it down.

Even though I was desperately aroused. And while I thought I was pretty clear about our little thing being over, apparently it takes a bit longer for this kid to "get it". I tried to be sensitive (yes, okay, perhaps he did have some actual feelings for me. Oops!), but I didn't give in. Even though I'd started drinking Cabernet.

I'm actually giving this loyalty thing a try. Holy wow.

And then it was Friday night. And I did the usual Friday night thing. Hanging out with the Ex and the Kidlet and a small group of friends. Got to snuggle the kidlet and enjoy him.

And then I came home. Dragged all of my purchases up the stairs, while on the phone with CJ. We ended our conversation because I had "things to do".

And what I had to do?

Clean the bathroom.

And I did.

Big-time.

Patience and Trust and a dose of TMI.

I really need to give him a name. So you can keep them all straight. NOF says I need a white board. She's probably not wrong.

So, the guy that stepped up recently... The one whose middle name is Leon's real name. I'm going to call him CJ. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Anyway. I told SoulMate about CJ and she was all jazzed about him. So was Dr. Tim (aka Therapist). Dr. Tim did remind me to go into this with my eyes open, however. Because if someone seems too good to be true, then he could be a sociopath. Which makes me laugh. Because while CJ does seem pretty great these days, he's far from perfect. Although, he does say the right things. And via text, too.

CJ really stepped it up in the last week or so... I had been pretty sure he was dating someone else, but we hadn't talked about it. And it's not like I really cared, anyway. I was dating someone else. And still communicating with others. Oh, and still fucking the 23-year-old.

Oh, had I not mentioned that?

This kid's not to be confused with the 21-year-old valet. That was a one-time thing. Number deleted right afterward. Gone. Done. He's served his purpose.

But the 23-year-old. Sweet kid. Took him a few tries to get it through his head that he's just a booty call (or whatever you want to call it). But he seems to have gotten that memo. He's someone I had been flirting with for months, and not long after one of the many breaks with Leon, I pretty much spelled it out for him that we should and could hook up. But that is all it would be. And while he's young and sometimes that's frustrating (No, if we already have plans for you to come over at a certain time, you do NOT actually need to do the whole textual foreplay thing. If I say it's happening, I'm a sure thing. Leave me alone until you actually show up at my doorstep. I have other things to do in the meantime), it's been a pleasant experience. Safe, no strings attached, done. It's been enjoyable.

And I know it's finite. When I get serious about someone (or he does), we're done. This is just an amusement in the meantime.

But I didn't exactly expect it to end so soon.

But I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Something that could be real.

CJ uses words like "respect" and "understanding". And "I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with..."

Um, and he meant it. Two days after the marathon, he offered to come over and cuddle and give me a massage. And, hey, if he wanted to help me with the aches, I was not about to turn him down (No ice bath and a 5-hour drive makes for sore muscles for longer than usual).

So, he came over. And we talked and cuddled and made out. And there was... touching. And stuff. And I hadn't been waxed in weeks and he didn't seem to care. And then he made me come. Not once, either. And there I was, panting and clinging to him, ready to take him into my bedroom, and he stopped. Said, "You said you didn't want to do anything more tonight, so I'm going to go."

Um, what???? Oh, he didn't leave me hanging or anything. There was lots more hot kissing and fondling and such. But then he went. Because I had told him the day before that I wasn't ready for more. So, he showed the restraint that had flown out my window.

The next day, I ended up getting waxed. Impeccable timing. The good news is that my appointment is in his town. So, I texted him to let him know I would be around with no plans after 6. (This was the day it didn't rain.) He had to work til 7, and needed to stop by his folks'. Didn't want me waiting for him for an hour and a half (too cold), so did I want to get together Friday instead?

And then it turned out that my appointment ran later than I had expected. So, I hung out with my SoulMate and met him for dinner, because he instantly changed his plans a bit to be able to see me.

And we had a great time. And have been in pretty regular contact ever since. And then the texts got a bit naughty again. And I think we need to have a conversation.

I'm pretty sure that the next guy I have sex with is going to be someone who could have (gulp!) relationship potential.

And since I got rid of Leon for good, I find myself, suddenly, open to that.

Holy growth! What happened to the RetroMama who just wanted to fuck younger dudes?

She's actually open to something real.

Which, looking at it with the ClaRiTy distance brings, is NOT something I was actually open to with Leon. I told him that. I told him the last time we spoke that my biggest fear in telling him I loved him wasn't that he didn't feel the same. My biggest fear was that he would tell me he was ready to be together. Not only was I not completely ready, but I knew I'd have some cleaning up to do. I was seeing CJ and Roger at the time... Oh, and I had just opened up communications with someone else. Brendan. Who seems pretty awesome. So, that pressure he felt from me that I was pushing for a relationship was actually all in his imagination.

So, anyway. Back to last week. Starting to think that CJ and I need to have a bit of a talk. The "Are we going to have sex?" talk. And what does that entail? I haven't really asked him the tough questions yet. And, obviously, if he can't handle my questions, I won't go there. Regardless, he's someone I listen to. He tells me stuff in a way that makes me do it. And not a whole lot of people can influence me that way. Well, they can, but not when it comes to things like getting me to write 6000 words in a day. Or icing my knee. Or stay home so that I can get my holiday cards addressed and stuff. He steps back to let me do stuff. It's weird.

But anyway, I know this talk is coming. And I found myself wondering if I would end up being someone's girlfriend. Which I haven't been in quite awhile. I've been keeping my options open. But I'm ready to at least have that talk. And see where it goes.

But, um... Well...

Then there's Brendan. Who is a bit older. And who is funny and charming on the phone and via email. Who totally gets the whole "gratitude" thing I've got going on. And told me to "have a great(ful) day." Holy wow. He kind of gets me. And is open to that.

So, after an amazing night with E (complete with margaritas and flirting with wait staff!), I met up with Brendan at 7:30 for dirty chai. Because he's never had dirty chai and wanted to try it.

Of course, my favorite place is closed until 8:30 on Sundays. So, we decided to go to Starbucks for coffee instead. And after sitting and chatting for nearly two hours, decided to go to breakfast, too. And when we talked about what we had on the agenda for the day, he mentioned that he needed to go to a sporting goods store. Um, my favorite sporting goods store. Like, the store that has become my new playground. I asked if he was going to the one in my town and while that hadn't been his plan, did I want to go to the local one with him? Um, hello?

So, then we went there, too.

And more than 5 hours after our first hug hello, we finally hugged goodbye.

And I feel like I know him better in that first day than I have in six dates with CJ. And Brendan admitted that he hadn't planned to tell me most of what he did. (I get people to tell me stuff. It's part of my charm. ::shrug::). And we made a very tentative plan to see each other toward the end of this week if he's in town. He did tell me he's a guy who takes time to process stuff. And I thanked him for telling me because then I knew to be patient with him.

So, here I am. The day after the amazing date. And I haven't heard from him. NOF told me to be patient. I'm trying.

But I have heard from CJ. And he knows we're going to have a conversation. And that just might be tonight. Via phone. So I don't get distracted. But I did mention how it was strange that I trust him. And he said that I can probably tell he's just looking out for me. And he is. From our first date, he's looked out for me. And while I'm still sensing that he's not THE one, he very well could be A one.

So, this dilemma. It's a delicious one.

But I'm thinking it might be time to drop the 20-somethings. Then again, maybe we could give it one last go before calling it quits?

But I am gearing up for something real. Not necessarily something forever. But something that's reciprocal. And real. I'm ready to give this love stuff a chance.

But which one???

::giggle::