The best laid plans...

By Friday, Eric and I were talking again. Constant texts and emails throughout the day. I found myself getting lulled back into him... Feeling stupid for all of these breakups and re-defining what we are to one another. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

And when we spoke that night, he described to me yet another interaction with his ex-wife. And that was it.

By the next morning, I told him we needed to go cold-turkey. No more talking. No more texts. No more emails. For a couple of days at least. I can't be his best friend. Not when a best friend would be able to listen to him process how he's feeling about her at any given moment. I can't do that and keep my sanity intact. It hurts too much.

I spent the rest of the day kicking ass. Building a bookcase. And on top of it, I placed an item he'd bought for me on the trip we took for my birthday. And I couldn't resist letting him know.

And that night I went out with friends. And got a little tipsy.

And, here's the thing: Not long ago, I shaved my head. For a thousand reasons (999 of them unselfish, shockingly), I drastically changed the way I look. I am very fortunate in that most people seem to agree that I am one of the lucky few who has a nicely shaped head. But still. I have no hair. And then I broke up with my boyfriend. Why, hello, single woman who won't be finding another man anytime soon!

Haha.

But that night, I was strutting. Feeling good about myself. Confident. On a mission to kiss a stranger. Because that would make me feel good.

It didn't happen. I performed a random act of kindness or two before heading home, but I was going home early and I was going home alone.

Some neighbors were hanging out outside as I walked toward my apartment. And the sexy Indian guy asked me what had happened to my hair. And I explained and they all said it was very noble of me. And the Indian guy told me I am beautiful and asked me if I had any plans right then and did I want to go shoot some pool?

I turned him down for a hundred different reasons, but wow, did I feel good about having been asked!?!

And that was about when I was getting pretty horny. (What? I do! And sometimes the vibrator simply won't cut it.) But I didn't want a stranger. I wanted Eric. I mean, I really, really, really wanted Eric.

And I knew he wouldn't have his kids on Sunday. I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend, but I began planning out a wicked little fantasy.

My plan was to go to his place, seduce him, sleep with him in his bed, and leave this morning, knowing I wouldn't see him or talk to him for a few weeks this time. I wanted to leave my mark on him, my scent in his bed... I wanted him to know what he was missing out on by not being able to love me while he still loves her.

Because I actually seem to have the ability to love more than one man at a time. I don't think the love I have for The Ex takes away from the love I have for Eric at all. Although, I suppose the love I have for Eric does temper the love I have for the Ex a bit. Hmm. I hadn't realized that until just now.

Anyway. Eric has told me before that for him, absence makes the heart grow fonder... So, I wanted to make damn sure he had something amazing to remember me by. And then while we were apart, he would realize how much he loves me and he would magically get over his fears and find his way back to me. That's when we would start our happily ever something or other.

Beautiful fantasy, right?

You're either thinking "Wow, she's brilliant." or "Gawd, what a bitch."

I didn't realize what a bitch I was until I was actually sitting next to him. Because, of course, he said I could see him when I asked. And, of course, he would pour me a glass of wine. And, of course, he would not be able to resist kissing me as he had last week.

I had him right where I wanted him.

My intentions were clear. He had no willpower to resist me. And, I will admit that made me feel pretty damn sexy. All was going according to my plan. I was finally able to show off the sexy underthings I'd purchased weeks earlier with him in mind, and things were going beautifully.

And then...

He said the words.

Fuck.

That SO wasn't what this was supposed to be about!

It was supposed to be about sex. (Shut up. Don't act like you've never used sex to get something you want. And I was just making a long-term investment. Shit.)

And he fucking tells me he loves me?!? Out loud for the first time?!? Gawd, why can't he just be a normal guy who just wants to get laid?

Eesh.

Of course, that wasn't enough to shut me down. And we spent a lovely night together. And I laughed about how "nothing screams "walk of shame" louder than heels click, click, clicking up the stairs at 6:30 in the morning..."

So, no. I didn't cut him off completely today. And I ended up telling him all about my evil little plan... Which, shockingly, did not include attempting to coerce him into telling me he loves me. I swear upon anything I could possibly find holy that was not my intention.

And he didn't just tell me once.

But I giggle about how when we spoke on the phone this afternoon, there was that awkward moment as we said goodbye... "Will he say it? Will I?"

Yeah. No. Not ready to throw that out there all casually for quite awhile.

So, once again, Retromama's a gal who pretty much gets what she wants when she goes after it. Although, every now and then she gets far more than she bargained for...

Today, she's grateful for all it turned out to be... But don't ask her where they stand because that's a big fat "I don't know."

She's just taking things as they come... Both literally and figuratively, apparently.

Elijah can't Come without a Purple Rabbit.

Alternate Title: Manifest This!

Alternate Title 2: Don't rain on my parade.

So, the girl who spent Thanksgiving with her SoulMate in March is now the girl who might have had a Seder on Wednesday or Thursday like all the good Jewish families, but in true SoulMate style, scheduled it for Saturday instead.

The plan was formed a few weeks ago... I was dreading Easter. Dreading not being with my son. I would have had him for the entire Spring Break, but Easter is his dad's holiday. Not mine. But I would miss playing the role of Bunny for both my son and his cousins.

Being the proactive chick I am, I made a plan with the SoulMate. She was feeling the empty nest syndrome since all the people who had been staying with her (prompting the March Thanksgiving) would be gone and she wanted me to spend the night in her guest room. Everybody would win if I stayed with her last night and spent Easter morning with them. I would be going to TF's later that afternoon. SM decided to make it a party, and would also ask her friend, Ben (not his real name) to join us... Had I met Ben?

Um, hello? I mentioned him in the Thanksgiving blog... The maker of amazing cranberry sauce? The really comfortable hug? Yeah, since Thanksgiving, I've had it all figured out. He has (in my fantasies) become the yin to my yang. The one with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I'd actually asked her about him in an email, (because, of course, with my luck, his fabulously gorgeous wife couldn't join us for Thanksgiving because she was working on her dissertation for her Ph.D. or stuck in the lab on the verge of curing cancer or something equally as worthwhile), just a casual "So, what's Ben's story?"

When she'd answered that email, she said nothing about Ben. I, of course, decided that she absolutely loves me and loves Ben, but she knows that I've got a few holes in my boat right now, so perhaps she didn't want to subject Ben to the mayhem that has been me over the last year or so?

Right.

Anyway, during the course of planning the Seder party (and I've decided that this will be the night that he will look into my eyes and decide he wants to ask me to dinner (what? I'm starting off small here... We've got the rest of our lives, so we can take it slow)), she says, "Oh, yeah. You asked me about Ben... I meant to tell you..."

My heart pounding, I knew what was coming... He's asked about me. He wants to spend time with me. He felt that connection and wants to spend the rest of his life with me too?

Um, yeah. No. He's gay.

Of course he's gay!!!

Well, pressure's off. Now I don't have to worry about shaving my legs. Whee!

Fast-forward to yesterday.

I decided to buy a table. I had finally realized they simply don't make tables in the shape I want. Everybody told me to get a round table, but I really wanted a square table... I finally realized I would end up settling for a round table and was becoming okay with it... And then last week, I found the EXACT table I'm looking for. AND, they custom build them so I would get to truly make this table (and the chairs!) my own.

Driving to the furniture store, I called the one I'd thought was worthy of the dinner several weeks ago (thank goodness he has a girlfriend now and I don't have to worry about dating him anymore!) and told him how excited I was about buying a table, and hadn't we shopped for a dining room table for him several years ago???

And then he asked how much I was spending, so I told him. And he was all, "Oh, wow. That's a lot." Um, look, asshole, I'm not in the same situation as you are. I didn't just graduate college with a degree in something that was one of the first professions to take a hit in the recession, and I've been saving. So, you don't get to make me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

Because I am.

But it's kind of hard to get that level of excitement back when someone dashes some cold water on it. Eesh.

I did manage to get the excitement back... I ordered the table that is perfect for me. AND it was on sale. AND they paid the sales tax. So, screw you, not-so-worthy one. I won't be cooking for you again. You won't get to sit at the fabulous table. So there. Ha.

And then I made it to the SoulMate's home... With lots of wine. Which we proceeded to drink. In mass quantities. Luckily, I'd forgotten my phone charger and so I was cautious about the technology, so I don't think I was totally annoying or anything via the BlackBerry. (Although, SM's husband told me he was slightly distracted by the red light blinking from my bra... Haha)

We were well into the second bottle of wine by the time we finally sat down to dinner... I'd already told Ben all about the big plans I'd had for our future and he was totally great about it and told me if only I had more hair on my chest, I could have been perfect for him as well. He'd brought this amazing cheese (and more wine!) and we were all giddy by the time we sat down... The table was beautifully set with all of the traditional Seder bits but of course, we ended up using the stack of Haggadahs for a trivet for the amazing broccoli dish...

And as we drank and ate, no subject was taboo... Including vibrators, meeting men, "holes in his boat" and the gem we came up with about how "we don't have holes in our own boats, we just have holes in our oars..." And then SM spilled Elijah's cup of wine... And as we frantically tried to soak up the purple stain, someone said, "But now Elijah can't come!" And someone else said, "He could if he had a purple rabbit!"

Why, yes. My soul circle does talk about the prophet like that... Good times.

Later, I would collapse on SM's bed and pat her and talk with her while she drifted in and out before launching myself off the bed and draping myself over the toilet in their sons' bathroom... I felt hands on my forehead, pulling my hair back and then the sweet relief of the damp and cool washcloth on my cheeks... It was minutes before I realized it wasn't SM. It was her husband. Who even went into my suitcase and found my toothbrush as I sat with my back to the tub and rested my head on its edge...

I can't believe I threw up. That hasn't happened in awhile. And SM's husband took such good care of me... So sweet.

This morning was a lazy morning. SM and I had some toast, and I entertained her boys while she and I chatted and cleaned up from the night before... And there was a bottle of wine that had gone missing and neither of us remembered having opened it... After looking in the downstairs refrigerator, of course, we found it in the recycling. We pretty much had killed four bottles between the four of us. And Ben couldn't have had very much since he was okay to drive home.

Whoa.

I had promised Ben to get SM out of the house for some grown-up girl time, so we went out for some coffee and just chatted and such... And we talked about how I'm figuring out what I'm not looking for... So, we decided it's time to start manifesting what I am looking for in a potential mate.

I've got it mostly figured out. And I'm back to believing he's out there. So, I'm working on a new mantra. And back to manifesting with purpose...

And then TF asked me where I was because they were waiting for wine... I brought it and they all drank it... I drank water. And enjoyed every last drop.

After dinner, TF taught me to knit. Which I'm pretty excited about... I'm making something for someone for that Pay it Forward project over on FB... And I'm really excited about it. And proud of the small progress I made this evening...

And we started with the plans for Thanksgiving... The one in November. The one I decided to fight for... And the husband-guy reminded me why I'm glad we're not going to be married anymore. Not intentionally, I'm sure, but I was sure glad TF took my ranting phone call so I could get it off my chest...

And then my dad came up with this plan to help me out, and I just love him for it...

So, it's back to work tomorrow... After an amazing week with the Kidlet... Surrounded by Light and Love and reminders of what I don't want...

And with CB's observation still ringing in my brain... "She's such a strong woman, but she kind of falls apart when it comes to talking to boys..." But he asked me "what's the worst that could happen?"

So, I will focus on that. And put myself out there. Because what's the worst that could happen? Certainly not anything worse than anything I've already been through... And I'm stronger now. Therapized and shit.

Time to manifest what I can accept and what I actually want...