Thursday, March 19, 2009

Exes and Ohs

When I was 15, I met JD. We were at an amusement-park (ish) and he was the first boy who'd ever asked for my phone number. I'd just gotten contacts (as opposed to the enormous glasses I'd sported since the age of 9) and my braces removed about 5 minutes earlier...

Long story short: He was my first kiss, my first love. It lasted slightly longer than 5 minutes (maybe 10?), and we broke up.

Years later, I would find him on MySpace... And he had this friend...

Another ex-girlfriend of his... One he'd kept in touch with all these years... Being the mad internet lurker I was (okay, maybe still am! LOL!), I realized she and I had a lot in common... JD played the go-between for awhile before she and I sent our own messages to each other... Turns out she and I would happen to be in the same town several states away for a function... We made no plans to meet.

And then fate intervened... In a place where we probably shouldn't have connected... There were more than 10,000 people there. But we happened to find each other...

That woman is my TrueFriend... TF for short. And she and I connected because we both happened to date the same boy a lifetime ago.

Also on MySpace... An acquaintance I knew vaguely in high school had a couple of glasses of wine one night and wrote to me... Turns out she'd been lurking for awhile, and thought I was cool. (Since when did "dork" become the new "cool"?)

We became instant Internet BFFs, and when she came to visit, it was like we'd always been friends... It was over dinner that we found out that we'd both dated the same boy in high school. It took me two days to get over the shock of that before I could blog about it... So much ClaRiTy in that evening... She'd been drawn to me because I had valuable information that would set her free of a guilt she'd been carrying for half of her life at that point...

And now, I can't imagine my world without her in it. Such a wonderful blessing in my life...

And last week, I got a text from her... Telling me that SB (the ex we had both dated) had friend-requested her on Facebook.

Um, WTF?

The last time SB and I spoke, I was told that he wasn't "allowed" to have anything to do with me. I was an ex-girlfriend. His wife knew my name and wasn't cool with my existence. (The reason why we were speaking on the phone was that I was out with a mutual friend who was going to take me to see him, and I said, "Shouldn't you warn him that you're bringing me over?" And when he heard it was me, we cancelled the plan to go over there, but he wanted to catch up over the phone...)

So, how come he's allowed to be friends with my BFF?

Oh, and then of course, I went and found him on Facebook, and found out that he's also friends with ANOTHER ex-girlfriend of his!

So, now I'm completely insulted and irritated to be left out...

And then the BFF said, "Well, I'm not a threat... He wasn't engaged to me..."

And with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach before I dissolved in nearly hysterical giggles, I remembered that I had, indeed, been engaged to the guy...

But I had forgotten that part...

How could I have forgotten that this guy asked me to marry him when I was 18? And I went off to college with a little chip of a diamond on my fourth finger on my left hand??

How could he have turned out to be so unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I had to be reminded that I had once said I'd marry him???

*awkward silence*

Nothing good would come from contacting him at this point... The only good thing about that relationship is that it would lead me to a cherished friendship many years later...

I'm luckier on the JD front... He's turned out to be a good friend as well... And I'll always be grateful to him for leading me to my TF... And I guess I can send some L&L to good ol' SB... Because he brought me a dear BFF...

So, yay for exes... Who bring me BFFs.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A tizzy is not quite a tailspin.

Things are good. I'm not quite the spaz I was just a couple of months ago. Things still get to me (I'm still me!), but I am not quite the mountain-maker of molehills I was.

In this place, I don't have quite the OCD thing going that I did.

Back at the house, I would check and re-check the front door several times before I could go to bed. And if M wasn't around, I always left the tv on and fell asleep to it.

I don't even have a tv in my bedroom anymore.

And I'm not constantly checking my alarm 18 times before falling asleep. And then waking up to check it during the night.

I sleep better here. For the most part.

I miss my son madly. He left on Saturday and I didn't see him again until Tuesday. And by Tuesday morning, I was pretty down.

Luckily, my FB pals cheered me up. (FML, anyone???)

CoffeeLady said some things to me the other day that I've been pondering. And trying to cut ties. And being clear in my expectations and standiong up for myself.

But the Sundays I don't have T are hard. And when I worked on homework all friggin' afternoon late into the night, I was not thrilled.

And then I find myself processing it out... And talking more openly. And realizing that there are people in my world who came into it because, apparently, the appeal of a married woman was intriguing. And it seemed safe then.

And there are people in my world who say really tough things to me. Because I need to hear them. And I'm not feeling quite as fragile as I was. But I am still a bit.

K2B told me that he was surprised at how well I'm adjusting. He thought it would take me longer to find happiness being away from M. I guess things had simply gotten so uncomfortable there that anything would be better.

And I am so glad not to be with him anymore. I'm finding that he's not my closest confidante anymore. I haven't asked him to go to marriage counseling in more than a week. (I'd pretty much mentioned it every couple of days since before moving out.)

I'm still being really generous with him, though. I care about it. If T and I are going to dinner, I invite M to join us.

But then today... We had a conference with T's teacher. And I had assumed we'd go grab some food and discuss it with him. But M's mom was making dinner for them. Which she does all the time, apparently... Lucky boys to be living with his folks. But I'm not ever invited to do that.


Easter's not for a month, but I'm already sad about it. I wandered through the drug store this afternoon and stopped myself from buying stuff... I'll still probably get a few things for T, but I am not spending money on his cousins anymore... I used to really enjoy putting together the Easter buckets, though.


And I had just found out that a student I've been working hard with... He's a little punk. I don't particularly like him. But I've been consistent with him, trying so hard to help him. I found out today that he's in quite a bit of trouble... And I can't help but question if maybe we could have saved him if only.... If only... If only...

Then there's the matter of the soul mate. Not to be confused with the SoulMate, of course.

Sometimes I can't stand that people really get me and they encourage me to take a stand when I really think maybe I should just let stuff go... Let the next person worry about it... But, no. Apparently, I'm the one who's in the privileged position of saying the hard things...

So, I did.

And that got me all kinds of mixed-up.

Good thing I have TheRaPy tomorrow.

Because I'm not going into a tailspin over this stuff... I'm just going to work on my homework, get it done so I can play with IP this weekend for her birthday. Eat some dinner. And be grateful for the solitude.

Grateful for the solitude. Grateful for the solitude.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I love that I don't have to do my husband's laundry anymore?

*contented sigh*

I'm doing laundry now. And it's really so very easy here.


Okay, dinner. Going now.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Not quite the Skinemax rated blog we were hoping for.

So, my cousin set me up on a blind date. Sort of.

A couple of weeks ago, she and I decided to go see our uncle's play. And she asked me if it would be a girls' night or could she bring her boyfriend? I didn't get back to her before she asked me again and told me that she had a date lined up for me... Cute, but young. A friend of the boyfriend's. I wrote back "that's fine. Just tell him I'm expensive and I don't put out..." LOL.

I kind of forgot the whole thing until a couple of days before the play. We were hammering out details about dinner and she mentioned the date's name. And I pictured some short guy with red hair and freckles who looked like he's about 12 years old.

And then it hit me... Was this what the kids call a "blind date"? Asking a few friends, and a couple of my students... Who all agreed. This would be a blind date.

Great. Well, someone to practice on, right?

Anyway. Saturday morning, the cousin called.... Had I ordered tickets for the play? Um, no. Had she? We decided she should call our uncle and find out if we could still get in, but that we would still do dinner and perhaps a movie instead if we couldn't go to the play.

Ten minutes later, I got a text. That we were all set for the play, and BTW, C and E would be there. Um, you mean my ex-boyfriend's grandparents??? The ones who are practically like MY grandparents, but still might not know that I am getting divorced?

Wow. This would be fun.

Only in my world would anybody be going out on an unexpected blind date and go hang out with an ex's grandparents.

And that was when I got nervous. Ugh.

And of course the guy turned out to be adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. And, yeah, he looked like he's about 12. I was surprised that we actually had a lot in common, but we didn't really talk that much. He was busy catching up with my cousin's boyfriend and she and I kind of talked to each other, but we did hit upon politics, religion, the weather, exercise, etc... I was slightly miffed when he said something about "Thirteen miles? You should be able to do that in less than three hours..." Um, and how many half-marathons have you run, Mister?

I was having a good time, but not feeling any particular connection... Just enjoying being out with nice people and going to the theater... Did see the ex's family, but didn't really get into any introductions or anything... And then, of course, the ex's MOM came outside to greet me! (I stupidly hadn't thought that she would have been the one driving them to the theater!) I didn't want to be rude, but there was no way I was going to introduce her to the guy that had just figured out that I have a son... (He asked "does your son like climbing on stuff like we do?" I grinned and answered, "absolutely. He gets it from his mom...")

While we were in line, we kind of split off a bit. My cousin and her boyfriend were all snuggly in line and that left me and my "date" to chat. We were finally having a dialogue when his phone rang. He very nicely apologized for answering it, but it was, apparently, his buddy who had just broken up with someone the night before... My "date" had insisted that the guy stay at his place that night so he wouldn't have to stay with his now ex-girlfriend... (At dinner, I'd asked, "Oh, you mean when people break up, they're supposed to not live together for more than a year afterwards?" And we all laughed about that....) Anyway, the friend had, apparently, locked himself out of his house, and could my "date" go let him in? My cousin and her boyfriend joked that he should just let him sit there for a couple of hours and wait, but this guy is pretty nice (and I, apparently, wasn't interesting enough for him to want to stay) and so he left to go rescue his friend. It all happened very quickly, the leaving and such.

So, no, TG, I doubt that I will see him again (unless the cousin sets up another "date" for the next play! LOL!)... And that's totally fine... I did ask "So, he found out I have a kid and went running, huh?" My cousin insisted it had nothing to do with me and that it's just "something that happened."

So, we watched the play and hung out with my uncle and his friends for a bit afterwards, and then I came home, set the clocks, and went to sleep for a few hours.

Last time change, BlackBerry didn't automatically update. So, I changed the time and set my alarm. And, this time, BlackBerry did it itself and I ended up getting up an hour earlier than planned. Ugh.

But I got in some lovely mileage with Ari, and then CoffeeLady met us for coffee... Ari spoiled me with a huge bag of Its a Grind High Octane coffee beans as a housewarming gift. I can't wait to go grind them. Whee!

So, here I am, procrastinating (again!) on my schoolwork... Blogging it because certain people were expecting the story. Which isn't much of a story. *shrug*

But I'm learning something about myself. Well, several somethings:

1. K2B thought it would take me a lot longer to find my "happy place" here. I wasn't insulted to hear that. But I am glad that I am in this "happy place".

2. I can go on a date. And not take it personally if it doesn't go anywhere. (DM and I decided that it's a "maturity" thing and not an "age" thing. So, I am now more open to considering someone younger. Where I wouldn't have before...)

3. If someone wants to run because I have a son, LET HIM. Buh-bye. I'm not going to hide that fact. Don't want someone falling in love with me and then having to "decide" whether or not I'm worth taking on my kid as well. My mom hid the fact of my existence the first couple of times she went out with my dad... And, yeah, they ended up living happily ever after (-ish), but I'm not that girl. I'm a mom, first. A potential mate second.

4. Awkward situations aren't nearly as awkward as they can seem. I have madder communication skillz than I'd given myself credit for.

5. Sometimes a molehill is just that. And I don't really need to make it a mountain anymore.

Now for some schoolwork.

Monday, March 2, 2009

So, quit reading, then. Eesh.

This could have been a far more vicious rant than it will be. I could have gone off about how it's my blog and I can write what I want to. Just as you, my two readers, can choose to read or not read.

I've gotten some feedback about my blog.

I've been told that I have a hard life and that it is not everyone else's fault that I am miserable. And that I make myself miserable by dwelling on all the negative things that have happened to me.

But, um. I'm not miserable. Sorry if you think I should be (forgive me my sarcasm). But I'm not. And I've re-read these last entries and tried to read them as they were perceived and I'm simply not seeing it. I'm not miserable. I'm actually really happy.

And while some shitty stuff has happened in my world, I don't really see myself as a victim. And I actually feel sorry for anybody who reads this and sees me as one. Because I will always go back to kicking ass even as I falter.

But I am not faltering now...

I know that it is a frightening thing to watch a woman go out on her own. To make her way in the world. Without a man at her side. And maybe she really fucked up somewhere along the line. But this woman has been open and honest with those who matter. You think I say too much on the internet? You have no fucking clue what I have kept off of the internet! No clue. Those "innocent bystanders" you claim to defend? One of them knows that I write. And has chosen to be okay with it. The other? Is probably so fucking grateful that I'm keeping the rest of his dirty laundry off the internet that he's staying out of it. You think I blogged all of it? You have no clue.

Yeah, I'm a single mom. Yes, I have people who truly love me (and who have decided not to let my agnosticism come in between us) and have expressed their concern about me. Not once trying to censor me. But telling me that yes, I am in a vulnerable place. To be careful with my heart. Those rational ones realize that in this place I have kept my identity and the identities of those mentioned somewhat cryptic. My whereabouts are not given, and I do this for the safety of myself and my child.

I am so sad for you that you believe that because I am a blogger that I put myself in danger... That you believe I will "get" myself "abused, raped, taken advantage of, or something else..."


Well, guess what. (And forgive me if this is TMI... Oh, wait. That's my tagline. If you don't want to know, then stop reading the damned thing!)

I've already survived abuse, rape, being taken advantage of, and lots of something elses...

And I'm still here. And ready to tell the tale.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Doesn't everyone celebrate Thanksgiving in March?

And all because CB went to Ikea on Friday and asked if I needed anything...

A few of you may know that I've been wrestling with my belief system for awhile now. What you may not know is that this ended up being one of the issues in the divorce (or the divorce-ish thing I've got going on)... When I admitted I'd been following some of the science blogs (why does that word "admitted" seem like a confession of guilt?), and that many of them are written by fairly militant atheists, my husband started teasing me about reading the "satanic blogs".

I count Einstein and Galileo among my heroes. I doubt the existence of God as an all-knowing, all-powerful being (I can hear the gasps of horror from here. I can hear the click of the "delete" button...).

And yet I believe in Angels. I believe in SoulMates. I believe in the Universe and Energies making things happen... As my SoulMate said to another friend today, "Careful. This one manifests stuff like you wouldn't believe..." I call it my mad skillz. Because I do believe that I have the power to make stuff happen... Not sure about Fate... I believe there are multiple Fates and that people have the power to change their futures based on their own decisions.

But I do believe in that stuff. And I don't know if there's a religion that embodies all of that.


If CB hadn't thought to ask if I needed anything from Ikea, maybe today wouldn't have happened.

But it did.

Ten miles with my girlz yesterday... ClaRiTy all over the place. Realizing that maybe the worthy one I made dinner for last weekend isn't necessarily worthy of anything more than that. Back to Liz Gilbert and the EPL...

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

Oy, with the ClaRiTy, already!

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I keep saying I'm at a point in my life where I'm not willing to take on that big of a challenge within a relationship.

So, stop.

And I don't want a relationship right now. TheRaPist keeps telling me that Blanche wasn't necessarily right. That it's okay for me to date now. To take it slow, but dating is okay. Spending time with someone is okay.

And I realized that I want to go out to dinner. I've said it before and I'm putting it out into the Universe. I actually really want to go to dinner with someone that I won't necessarily want to see again. I want to know what it's like to go out and spend time with someone and NOT necessarily fall in love and make it into something more than it is.

Just... Dinner. Out.


I was thrilled to get my boy back last night, and we had been contemplating a Disney day, but I knew we needed to connect with CB to get my Ikea goodies...

And then as my boy snuggled with me in my bed, my phone rang, and it was my SoulMate, inviting me to a somewhat impromptu Thanksgiving meal at her house if I was in the neighborhood (because I'd mentioned that last week)... She has had family in town and they decided to do the whole turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes thing. And did we want to join them?

Realizing I could kill all kinds of birds with this stone, we blew off the Disney thing and decided to go the Thanksgiving route. The kidlet thought it was hysterical to celebrate Thanksgiving in March. But five bucks says he remembers it forever.

I was thrilled that TF decided to join CB to meet us, and we spent a very enjoyable hour just talking, eating, laughing our asses off (The kidlet thought a better name for the Snuggie would be the shwanket, which had TF and me crying with laughter at the table!), and just enjoying each other's company...

After searching (nearly fruitlessly) for a table, we headed over to see the SoulMate and her crew.

It was utterly lovely to be in her presence, and in the presence of those she calls her "soul circle"... And I loved that I am in it. And the hug I received from the one who made the amazing cranberry sauce (and I am VERY picky about that stuff!) was a beautiful thing. Natural. Wonderful. And explaining to people who had been strangers about how I am in this different place, and how it's been tough, but I feel really good about it... SM's mom made a point to tell me to keep growing and being glad before I left...

And as we drove home at dusk under a sky the color of a bruise, I just felt so truly blessed. And knowing that even though the tears are coming more freely in my spare moments, it's because I'm healing... Finally grieving the loss of Mel's friendship last year. Because I am proving her wrong on a daily (hourly!) basis. Cutting ties. Accepting reality. Maintaining hopes where they are worthy, and letting go of the ones that are unreasonable.

Just learning as I grow.

Actually becoming grateful for the HRT and his hurts because they made me more effective for two students who really needed a grownup who understood their dramas. How ironic that I can understand the dramas of 14-year-olds because I dated someone who acted like one last year?

And how lovely to make the connection between last Thanksgiving and the one I celebrated today?

That I wouldn't go home tonight and find cruelty on the internet. And I wouldn't spend three days alone, culminating in a 20-minute desperately horrific crying jag on the kitchen floor.


This time, barely more than three months later, I brought my boy home, did some laundry, some dishes, read another chapter of Superfudge with him, and then put him to bed in the bed I paid for on my own, and then assembled with CB. And then completed my first task in a course that I need to complete for additional job security.

Such a different place. Such a different mind-set.

Free and clear. I'm getting there.

Happy Thanksgiving.