Apparently, I hit it today.
The day after my last post, things kinda hit the fan at work. It's been an extraordinarily rough week. Not just work. But decisions and ClaRiTy... And while they were all very positive, they were somewhat difficult realizations to reach...
I've cried just about every day.
It culminated in a very, very, very bad few moments this afternoon.
Thinking Cinderella may have found me already makes me cautious about whether or not I can even go into it here.
Whatever. Fuck her.
Apparently, certain things are setting me off these days... A thwarted relationship between two people I love very much. Hearing that he was brave enough to tell her how much he loves her... Another friend who's going through a horrible breakup got her closure... And an apology of sorts. Oh, and some money he owed her.
I am not a big enough person not to feel envious of that... I miss having a connection with someone special. I miss being someone who matters that much to someone... I don't like that I have to be the grown-up who has to "let go" just because someone else decided to be awful and never even be able to say "hey, I'm sorry about that..." I don't like it when someone changes the rules without ever bothering to tell me that the rules have changed.
I don't think it's wrong of me to think that I deserve better than that.
So, here I am, having to accept it all over again.
And it's not like I'm even hoping for an apology. I guess I just find myself back to where I'm wishing for some kind of acknowledgement... That maybe those last lies shouted in anger aren't what he actually believes about me... It sure would be nice to know.
And certain people are being really inconsiderate. And I mean that in the literal sense. As in, not considering my feelings. At all. Or even considering ME. As a person. I find myself wanting to be considered. I want to be sought out. I want to be considered. Not forgotten.
I'm feeling slightly better now. Calmer. Raw. I think I'll take a nap. And then go out tonight with friends. And then have a lovely day tomorrow with friends. And hopefully be Zen enough by Monday to take on another day.
Thinking of Kelly on her birthday
1 year ago