Saturday, April 25, 2009

Situation Overwhelm.

Apparently, I hit it today.

The day after my last post, things kinda hit the fan at work. It's been an extraordinarily rough week. Not just work. But decisions and ClaRiTy... And while they were all very positive, they were somewhat difficult realizations to reach...

I've cried just about every day.

It culminated in a very, very, very bad few moments this afternoon.

Thinking Cinderella may have found me already makes me cautious about whether or not I can even go into it here.

Whatever. Fuck her.

Apparently, certain things are setting me off these days... A thwarted relationship between two people I love very much. Hearing that he was brave enough to tell her how much he loves her... Another friend who's going through a horrible breakup got her closure... And an apology of sorts. Oh, and some money he owed her.

I am not a big enough person not to feel envious of that... I miss having a connection with someone special. I miss being someone who matters that much to someone... I don't like that I have to be the grown-up who has to "let go" just because someone else decided to be awful and never even be able to say "hey, I'm sorry about that..." I don't like it when someone changes the rules without ever bothering to tell me that the rules have changed.

I don't think it's wrong of me to think that I deserve better than that.

So, here I am, having to accept it all over again.

And it's not like I'm even hoping for an apology. I guess I just find myself back to where I'm wishing for some kind of acknowledgement... That maybe those last lies shouted in anger aren't what he actually believes about me... It sure would be nice to know.

And certain people are being really inconsiderate. And I mean that in the literal sense. As in, not considering my feelings. At all. Or even considering ME. As a person. I find myself wanting to be considered. I want to be sought out. I want to be considered. Not forgotten.

I'm feeling slightly better now. Calmer. Raw. I think I'll take a nap. And then go out tonight with friends. And then have a lovely day tomorrow with friends. And hopefully be Zen enough by Monday to take on another day.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Everything I'd planned for... And more.

One reason I left my marriage is because of the traveling thing. The desire to share with my son a bit more than just our own little corner of the world. Not that our little corner of the world isn't amazing... But there's so much more to it...

And I'm actually doing it.

I've already set aside the money for our Thanksgiving trip. To the Grand Canyon. TF orchestrated it, but the check is ready. Because I've made sure of it.

Yesterday, I took him for his first train ride... He was smart enough to ask if we'd pass SM's house, and we totally did! And recognized it.

I'm nervous enough about taking the train. I can do planes. I can drive. But the train stresses me out. I've missed a train before. Because I was on the wrong side of the track (pun intended? Ish?)... And I stood between two trains and nearly got on the wrong one as I watched mine leave... Luckily, another train would come through an hour later, and I would be with my parents (both of them!) not long after the original schedule... I think I was pregnant at the time. I remember telling my dad not to talk to me until I'd eaten... My mom was really great about it.

That was just one of many memories I had while taking the train with my son. And, of course, I was caught up in remembering that one time I smuggled the pussy on the train... What? I'd smuggled a kitten for the HRT! And, of course, the kidlet remembered the time he dropped me off at the train station with the kitten... And decided to ask all kinds of questions about what happened to Marshmallow... Ugh. LOL!

But it's stressful enough for me. With only moments of a stop, you gotta get all your stuff and get on the train! And I'm always afraid to sleep on the train. Scared to miss my stop.

Add a small person to the mix... And I was the only one responsible for him... I had to carry my purse, his booster seat, the bag o' stuff I brought to keep us occupied on the train, a few things we needed to put in the car we were picking up, AND keep a handle on him.

And he's asking a bazillion questions, and I'm just trying to breathe... As my heart is racing and my palms are sweating... Okay, the rest of me was sweating too. It was hot!

But we made it onto the train... And somehow ended up on the first-class car... And didn't get kicked off. And it was a lovely trip...

And my dad picked us up at the other end... With the car he was giving to me... (I'm selling the minivan because it's rather embarrassing to be a single mom of one and driving a vehicle meant for SEVEN... lol.) He'd bought a new car and I'll pay him for the CRV when I sell the van... Which will happen this week. There's this awesome lady I spoke to today who's totally excited about it.

And my dad noticed my knitting in my bag... And questioned it... "You're knitting now?"

And it just really hit me that I am becoming this whole other person... She was just waiting to be in a place where she could try new things...

Yes, I'm now a person who knits... Well, ish. LOL. And I'm a person who takes her son on the train. And to the Grand Canyon. And to dinner with her ex-husband and his grandmother.

And I'm going to be a person who completes a 50-mile UltraMarathon. On a hard-core trail.

Stunningly, my dad was totally supportive about it. (He'd given me a hard time the last time I decided to do an Ultra. Actually, I'd only told him I was doing 26.2. I hadn't exactly trained. So, he was worried...)

Another person who was supportive was M. Didn't seem to think I was crazy at all. And he had even mentioned postponing his annual hunting trip for later in the season so I could do my favorite race of the year... (Which I'm not doing so I can do this trail run instead.)

I guess it's easier for him to be kind now that he doesn't feel like he has to. *shrug*

Mass amounts of ClaRiTy in recent days... So much I haven't much felt like blogging, actually. I finally asked the few friends who are still in touch with the HRT to never talk to me about him again. I will try not to ask, as well... It wasn't even the HRT I was upset about in those moments... But one of the Mean Girls from last summer.... Whom I respected enough to share what was going on with k2b. But she was a bitch (which I should have expected, but still gave that chance).

And I realized that while I would still rejoice over successes and happinesses, and I would still step up when things got tough (a text to the HRT when a friend of his passed away went unanswered, but I was still a person who sent it), these people simply don't care. They are simply not evolved enough to be able to send Light and Love to a third party because they're still so caught up in sending negativity towards me.

And then I found out that the same Mean Girl who was a bitch had something scary happening in her world... And for a moment, it gave me pause... Should I email her? Ask a mutual friend about it?

Ultimately, I decided to send some Light and some Love and nothing else.

And that's when I realized I've been waiting for some of them to step up... Because I know they got the memo about a friend who's been in the hospital for months and is probably going to actually die this time... And they don't care enough to say anything to me... And it finally hit me...

That it's okay....

It's okay for them not to say anything... That even though I am a person who would still want to know because I still care, they are not like me... And if they don't want to know the joys in my world, I don't need for them to know the tragedies either.

And I finally figured out how to delete phone numbers from my SIM card... And those last saved text messages... The ones to remind me of pain and horribleness (my blog. My words. I make 'em up. Deal with it.)... I finally deleted those, too...

I'm ready to actually let go... I was holding onto the bad so that I wouldn't be tempted to let them back in at some point... But I was finally able to let it go... Secure in the knowledge that I won't actually ever let them back in.

As I'm evolving into the woman I'd said I wanted to become, I'm actually finding more and more about me that I'm happy about...

I'm proud of myself for following through on stuff... I'm proud of myself for learning new things... I'm proud of myself for taking on new challenges... I'm proud of myself for providing for my son.

I'm grateful for being open to the people who tell me the hard things... I'm grateful for not being the materialistic girl that some pegged me to be...

My "new" car has far fewer bells and whistles than the minivan... I'd joked that the lack of a CD player was a dealbreaker to my dad... And then said I would buy myself one... But I don't actually seem to need it at this point. And I mentioned that it's weird not to have a remote to unlock the doors. I actually have to put the key in the lock. And a friend said she couldn't handle that. And I shrugged and said, "It's a Honda that will keep me and my son from being stranded somewhere. He's old enough to be patient while I unlock the doors."

I'm truly a person who is learning to be happy with what she actually has.

And today, I like that about me.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Elijah can't Come without a Purple Rabbit.

Alternate Title: Manifest This!

Alternate Title 2: Don't rain on my parade.

So, the girl who spent Thanksgiving with her SoulMate in March is now the girl who might have had a Seder on Wednesday or Thursday like all the good Jewish families, but in true SoulMate style, scheduled it for Saturday instead.

The plan was formed a few weeks ago... I was dreading Easter. Dreading not being with my son. I would have had him for the entire Spring Break, but Easter is his dad's holiday. Not mine. But I would miss playing the role of Bunny for both my son and his cousins.

Being the proactive chick I am, I made a plan with the SoulMate. She was feeling the empty nest syndrome since all the people who had been staying with her (prompting the March Thanksgiving) would be gone and she wanted me to spend the night in her guest room. Everybody would win if I stayed with her last night and spent Easter morning with them. I would be going to TF's later that afternoon. SM decided to make it a party, and would also ask her friend, Ben (not his real name) to join us... Had I met Ben?

Um, hello? I mentioned him in the Thanksgiving blog... The maker of amazing cranberry sauce? The really comfortable hug? Yeah, since Thanksgiving, I've had it all figured out. He has (in my fantasies) become the yin to my yang. The one with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I'd actually asked her about him in an email, (because, of course, with my luck, his fabulously gorgeous wife couldn't join us for Thanksgiving because she was working on her dissertation for her Ph.D. or stuck in the lab on the verge of curing cancer or something equally as worthwhile), just a casual "So, what's Ben's story?"

When she'd answered that email, she said nothing about Ben. I, of course, decided that she absolutely loves me and loves Ben, but she knows that I've got a few holes in my boat right now, so perhaps she didn't want to subject Ben to the mayhem that has been me over the last year or so?


Anyway, during the course of planning the Seder party (and I've decided that this will be the night that he will look into my eyes and decide he wants to ask me to dinner (what? I'm starting off small here... We've got the rest of our lives, so we can take it slow)), she says, "Oh, yeah. You asked me about Ben... I meant to tell you..."

My heart pounding, I knew what was coming... He's asked about me. He wants to spend time with me. He felt that connection and wants to spend the rest of his life with me too?

Um, yeah. No. He's gay.

Of course he's gay!!!

Well, pressure's off. Now I don't have to worry about shaving my legs. Whee!

Fast-forward to yesterday.

I decided to buy a table. I had finally realized they simply don't make tables in the shape I want. Everybody told me to get a round table, but I really wanted a square table... I finally realized I would end up settling for a round table and was becoming okay with it... And then last week, I found the EXACT table I'm looking for. AND, they custom build them so I would get to truly make this table (and the chairs!) my own.

Driving to the furniture store, I called the one I'd thought was worthy of the dinner several weeks ago (thank goodness he has a girlfriend now and I don't have to worry about dating him anymore!) and told him how excited I was about buying a table, and hadn't we shopped for a dining room table for him several years ago???

And then he asked how much I was spending, so I told him. And he was all, "Oh, wow. That's a lot." Um, look, asshole, I'm not in the same situation as you are. I didn't just graduate college with a degree in something that was one of the first professions to take a hit in the recession, and I've been saving. So, you don't get to make me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

Because I am.

But it's kind of hard to get that level of excitement back when someone dashes some cold water on it. Eesh.

I did manage to get the excitement back... I ordered the table that is perfect for me. AND it was on sale. AND they paid the sales tax. So, screw you, not-so-worthy one. I won't be cooking for you again. You won't get to sit at the fabulous table. So there. Ha.

And then I made it to the SoulMate's home... With lots of wine. Which we proceeded to drink. In mass quantities. Luckily, I'd forgotten my phone charger and so I was cautious about the technology, so I don't think I was totally annoying or anything via the BlackBerry. (Although, SM's husband told me he was slightly distracted by the red light blinking from my bra... Haha)

We were well into the second bottle of wine by the time we finally sat down to dinner... I'd already told Ben all about the big plans I'd had for our future and he was totally great about it and told me if only I had more hair on my chest, I could have been perfect for him as well. He'd brought this amazing cheese (and more wine!) and we were all giddy by the time we sat down... The table was beautifully set with all of the traditional Seder bits but of course, we ended up using the stack of Haggadahs for a trivet for the amazing broccoli dish...

And as we drank and ate, no subject was taboo... Including vibrators, meeting men, "holes in his boat" and the gem we came up with about how "we don't have holes in our own boats, we just have holes in our oars..." And then SM spilled Elijah's cup of wine... And as we frantically tried to soak up the purple stain, someone said, "But now Elijah can't come!" And someone else said, "He could if he had a purple rabbit!"

Why, yes. My soul circle does talk about the prophet like that... Good times.

Later, I would collapse on SM's bed and pat her and talk with her while she drifted in and out before launching myself off the bed and draping myself over the toilet in their sons' bathroom... I felt hands on my forehead, pulling my hair back and then the sweet relief of the damp and cool washcloth on my cheeks... It was minutes before I realized it wasn't SM. It was her husband. Who even went into my suitcase and found my toothbrush as I sat with my back to the tub and rested my head on its edge...

I can't believe I threw up. That hasn't happened in awhile. And SM's husband took such good care of me... So sweet.

This morning was a lazy morning. SM and I had some toast, and I entertained her boys while she and I chatted and cleaned up from the night before... And there was a bottle of wine that had gone missing and neither of us remembered having opened it... After looking in the downstairs refrigerator, of course, we found it in the recycling. We pretty much had killed four bottles between the four of us. And Ben couldn't have had very much since he was okay to drive home.


I had promised Ben to get SM out of the house for some grown-up girl time, so we went out for some coffee and just chatted and such... And we talked about how I'm figuring out what I'm not looking for... So, we decided it's time to start manifesting what I am looking for in a potential mate.

I've got it mostly figured out. And I'm back to believing he's out there. So, I'm working on a new mantra. And back to manifesting with purpose...

And then TF asked me where I was because they were waiting for wine... I brought it and they all drank it... I drank water. And enjoyed every last drop.

After dinner, TF taught me to knit. Which I'm pretty excited about... I'm making something for someone for that Pay it Forward project over on FB... And I'm really excited about it. And proud of the small progress I made this evening...

And we started with the plans for Thanksgiving... The one in November. The one I decided to fight for... And the husband-guy reminded me why I'm glad we're not going to be married anymore. Not intentionally, I'm sure, but I was sure glad TF took my ranting phone call so I could get it off my chest...

And then my dad came up with this plan to help me out, and I just love him for it...

So, it's back to work tomorrow... After an amazing week with the Kidlet... Surrounded by Light and Love and reminders of what I don't want...

And with CB's observation still ringing in my brain... "She's such a strong woman, but she kind of falls apart when it comes to talking to boys..." But he asked me "what's the worst that could happen?"

So, I will focus on that. And put myself out there. Because what's the worst that could happen? Certainly not anything worse than anything I've already been through... And I'm stronger now. Therapized and shit.

Time to manifest what I can accept and what I actually want...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Spring Break. And k2b, apparently.

A much-needed break. The kidlet and I have had a blast. We went home to Daddy's for a few days. I hadn't been down there since November... Didn't have too much trouble being there. Although I actually had some pleasant memories of the HRT. And was saddened to realize I can never call him up and say "hey, remember when we...???"


It's been awhile since I've posted. I've kind of been avoiding the computer altogether lately. Just the letdown from finishing up that class and trying to take care of myself by doing things like... Sleeping. Eating. TheRaPizing.

k2b gave us quite the scare. During those days when we didn't know if it was chronic kidney rejection, I was in a state. Give me someone with leukemia and I get it. I know what to worry about. I don't know about kidneys and transplants (well, as related to kidneys as opposed to bone marrow or stem cells), and the not knowing pretty much freaked me out.

And I am the "upbeat" one, who k2b was able to talk to. So, I was that upbeat one for him. But freaking sobbed on numerous occasions when I wasn't around him. The idea of possibly losing my friend really freaked me out. Almost more than the idea of losing my mom. And while I get all caught up in the fights of others, this one hit way too close to home.

I can't lose the man who gave me a favorite Disney character. I can't lose the guy who calls me PixieGirl. I answer to it. *shrug*

The scariest thing about this was the idea of whether or not I am a good enough friend. To both of them. I'm good at hospitals. I'm, apparently, good with the death and dying thing. I bring peace and comfort and shit. And if k2b wanted to decide against dialysis, I would support him on that (after kicking his proverbial ass, which I saw naked in the hospital. Jeez, I love it when my friends are doped up on Ativan!). I would have made sure he knew that I thought it would be best for him to at least try, but that if he decided not to continue, I'd support that. And I'd be there til the end. Making him laugh and answering his difficult questions and stuff.

But I really hated the idea of losing him. It made me nauseous.

But what scared me even more was how I was going to get Q off the floor. And was I a good enough friend to her to be there as she grieved for him???

I doubt myself in that capacity.

Of course, it turned out that he doesn't have chronic rejection. He spent just over a week in the hospital getting treated for what ails him, and is home now.

I still get to be the girl who's considered the "good friend", the "upbeat one". Thanks for not putting that to the test this time, k2b. Seriously. Love you.

I'm learning much about myself these days... Facing my demons head-on. Finding ClaRiTy in the conversations with friends who are leading somewhat parallel lives... Allowing myself to really listen when friends ask me the difficult questions... Or in CB's case, asking TF. But that's staying with me. Allowing myself to attempt to answer those questions...

Allowing my heart to break so as to let new Light in...

Finding joy in simple things such as quiet... Solitude... Candles... Good wine... Laughter...