Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I need to make my bones.

The epiphanies are coming at me right and left.

The words my friends say to me stay with me. They may not be easy to hear, but they are necessary.

I am learning to set boundaries.

And I'm sticking to them.

It's the strangest thing.

I had an unexpected therapy session on Monday. After a lovely weekend.

I was at the Swap Meet with TF and my Girlz. And I nearly cried when I hugged each of them. It was so beautiful to be in their presence once again...

TF had mentioned awhile back that she wanted to get a matching tattoo with me. A plumeria. And I told her that I don't really believe in getting matching tattoos with people. My maid of honor had asked me to years ago, and I refused... She and I ran into each other at a conference two summers ago. We hadn't spoken in three years.

I have a tattoo to represent my momma, and my son. That's it. I've never gotten a tattoo with a man's name on me. I wouldn't. I don't believe in it. The HRT decided he wanted to get a tattoo to "represent our relationship" and I discouraged him. (Now I wish I'd let him. Because that would be damned funny!)

But on that overcast Sunday morning, when I saw something with a plumeria on it, I realized I can get a matching tattoo with TF. Because I believe in her. I believe in our friendship. She is absolutely true and forever.

And when I told her I wanted to get a plumeria with her, she instantly understood what I was saying... And it was a moment. They will be slightly different. The accent color will be different, and she will get a letter in hers to represent her boys, and I will get a letter in mine to represent my girlZ.

And I wondered if I can handle the pain of three tattoos in one session.

And then I had her over to my home. And she brought me flowers. And then Ari came with my wine... And I made a wonderful Italian dressing with the good olive oil and the gourmet balsamic vinegar... For a dinner I made for someone worthy... Who understood why he was invited on a Sunday and not another day. And he respected that. And I set my boundaries and stuck to them, and they were respected.


So, I bounced into therapy all excited, and just gushing about how great things are. And how I'm paying my bills and I have money left over to buy new stuff for my little boy. And that I'm a better mom than I had been while I was in that marriage. And even though Mel dropped me because she thought I was a bad mom, I am proving her wrong every minute.

But on my way there, I had this moment of ClaRiTy. That I am blessed by these true friendships. That I lied to so many for so long, and that they love me anyway.

And tears spilled over when I remembered those girls from last summer... The ones who decided to use those lies as their excuse for dropping me. For cruelty.

And it made the realization of these friendships so much sweeter.

My therapist threw all kinds of positive feedback my way...

And then told me that I have to have a conversation with my husband... The one where I get to tell him I think he's an alcoholic, and to tell him the consequences of what will happen if he ever puts our son in the car if he's under the influence.

The conversation would take place last night.

Oh, but first, my electricity would be turned off. Because I never got a bill for a deposit. Or the phone call they were supposed to have placed. There was a disconnection notice, which went unnoticed, because I am somewhat bad about checking the mailbox which is all the way across the complex. In my entire life, I have never had my utilities disconnected. But, the guy I paid rolled his eyes when I said that.

Anyway, the conversation got a little heated, but ultimately, we both have our son's best interests at heart. And he will be okay.

And I got the utility thing figured out (the lady totally apologized for the "inconvenience" and admitted their wrongdoing, but it still meant I would be powerless until today).

And I spent an evening with candles and flashlights and continued with my EPL regimen.

And I find that different things get to me now while I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time.

The whole soulmate thing? The thing that had me all breathless and freaking out last time?

I almost skimmed it. Because it's just accepted. "Yeah, yeah. He's my soulmate. We're not together. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Moving on."

And today as I crossed my campus, something hit me...

I have had some pretty awful things happen since I left my husband and our home. But I have never once regretted that decision. I've never second-guessed myself on that decision.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says, "What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismissing them.... It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength. Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones"."

She goes on to add "So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

And it hit me today: I AM IN THAT PLACE.

I'm not beating myself up over decisions I've made that may have looked like mistakes. I'm not thinking that I shouldn't have moved here because then I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs because of a nasty neighbor. I'm not calling myself an idiot for letting the utilities get cut off. (Shut up, TF. Yes, I will be more vigilant about getting my mail. I did pick it up today. Two days in a row! Mad skillz. :P) I'm just looking at it as one little kink to work out before this well-oiled machine moves itself along.

And shut up, Zabba. Because I know I should have moved out a year ago.

But the fact of the matter is this:

Everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am here, and I am happy, and things are good. I can see whom I want, I can be whom I want. I can live, love, and laugh.

And now I'm off to do that.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Six months lasted a week. If that.

I've been censoring. Because I'm all mixed up and I know certain people may or may not be reading, and it makes me not want to post stuff because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to close doors. Or open them.

But I've been talking to girlfriends about stuff, and I realized that TheRaPist is right.

I do need to blog it.

It's like breathing.

We cleaned out the house on Friday. Finished the cabinets and closets. All that's left is the garage.

I hadn't been in there since the day I moved out, and M's mom totally helped by cleaning it up the next day. It's empty. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.

But then I was packing up stuff I'd left for M. Cooking and baking stuff... And when I went to clear out the cabinet below the oven, I came undone...

Because there was the thing he'd built in there to keep my bakeware standing and easily accessible... I remembered how I'd seen something like that at MV's and she was paying a fortune for it, and my husband built one for me.

And it's staying there... And that's done. And I sat on the floor and cried... M found me and asked if I wanted a hug. And I refused. Because I didn't want to lose it completely. But he insisted, so I let him hug me. And he held on. Tightly.

I sucked it up and moved out of his embrace and got back to work... As it started to rain, I moved boxes into the van...

And then this family came in with a realtor... And I'm all about making sure there's a backup offer, so I started talking to them, showing them some of the little touches that they might not discover on their own for awhile... They left us to our packing, deciding to wait until we were gone... They could probably smell the distress on us.

And then we were done for the evening.

And M tugged me towards the back of the house to "say goodbye"... I resisted, but gave in... And he held me tightly and then he kissed me... Like a real kiss... And I kissed him back before turning away... And then I was all confused.

As we walked out, I wondered if he would ask me to go out for coffee or a drink or something, but he didn't. And I burst out, "What was that back there?"

And he couldn't answer... Agreed when I asked, "Just caught up in a moment?"

And then he left.

And when I told V the next day at lunch, she said, "You just told him a week ago that you're waiting for him. What do you expect?"

But am I really waiting for him? What I'd told him was that I was waiting for him to choose me. Which, I don't think he is actually doing. He got "caught up in a moment"... But the last couple of days, it's felt like it's at my expense. And I don't think I want to let him do that anymore.

I love that Q's been here. And we sat on the couch that V and her bf gave me. And I've realized that I really, really, really hate the table that's in here. I didn't want it, but wanted to help M out. Because he doesn't have room to store it, but wants it. So, I tried to make it work. And I really, really hate it.

Ari was here on Sunday for breakfast. And it was lovely... And I admitted to her that I have a friend coming to visit for dinner in a couple of weeks. And that I'm nervous about it. Because we're supposed to just be friends. But he is a boy, and boys make me nervous right now. And Ari hit the nail on the head when she asked me "Are you okay with him being in your space?"

And I don't think I am, actually... But I don't know how to stop this train I'm on.

I want to have nothing to do with boys. But I want to be able to email someone who's going through a similar situation as I am and just take it for what it is. Connecting with someone who probably understands... So what if I'm completely flattered that he admitted a former crush on me? I see him as harmless.

Harmless is good.

Cable guy? Not as harmless as I'd thought.

M? Certainly not. Although he paid for lunch when we met last week, saying "Happy Valentine's Day." And giving me a card when he dropped T off on Saturday. And telling T to "kiss Mommy for me" when they spoke on the phone. Every time they spoke on the phone.

And then this morning, I took pity on M, who hadn't seen T since Saturday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch since T and I were off. And he was thrilled and made it happen. And T still wants to do "family hug" when we go our separate ways... Which we do.

But then I find that I'm still waiting for him to choose me.

Except I'm really happy here. In my own space.

Failing miserably at what Blanche suggested.

I find myself obsessing (but not as much as you think, TF!) over the one who hasn't answered that question... From eight days ago... And even though I had a damn good reason to contact him today, I refrained.

And then an old friend told me that he met Richard from Texas.

Which meant he's reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And while it gave me pause that a guy is reading that book, it hit me that he's reading. And while some may think it's a "chick book", he is reading it. And it's obviously speaking to him on some level.

And I am assuming he's doing this for his wife.

And TheRaPist has been telling me for months that I deserve someone who will treasure me. I deserve someone who will choose me.

And I think about the men to whom I've been attracted in the last months... And how they have chosen to take advantage of my generous nature...

And ClaRiTy hit me as I read the post on my phone...

I deserve someone who will take me out to dinner.

I don't expect anything fancy. Nothing expensive.

But, dammit. I want someone to tell me they want to take me out. I want to go out and be in a public place and not feel like I have to hide. And maybe part of it's me. Because even though I'm finally actually separated for real, the fact that we're putting the paperwork on hold makes me feel like I have to still hide.

I don't want to hide.

And I know I'm not ready for this.

Six months, Blanche said.

Six months.

Okay, maybe I'll start....


Thursday, February 12, 2009

You risk nothing when you stand to lose everything.

This is why I have the hard conversations.

I feel like I'm more "me" than I ever could be.

In this place, I take the high road, but I don't run from the confrontations. In this place, ClaRiTy comes in waves... That nearly knock me breathless...

I am still a work in progress... But I am surrounded by people who shake me up a bit... TF, who asked me why I was focusing on something I have no control over and got me to open up about what was really upsetting me... V, who told me to MYOB...

These are women who make me brave... Brave enough to tell someone the truth, knowing s/he will judge me but will love me anyway... (The first time I said it, I said, "I know you won't judge me..." and then stopped to correct myself "You absolutely WILL judge me, but you'll love me anyway!")

ClaRiTy comes from being stuck in the middle... The same position into which I threw some of my dearest friends... It's a little different here, but from this perspective, I am open to accepting the decisions they made during that time... And while I refuse to betray anyone's confidence, I still insist that I am not wrong about how there needs to be a conversation.

TheRaPist told me to write a letter several weeks ago... Instead, I picked up the phone today... Well, answered it when it rang. LOL.

And while my heart was pounding, and my palms were sweating, I said the hard words. And they were received openly and with love...

I am so blessed.

V taught me last night that one of the beautiful bits of living on my own is that I can go out to dinner with a friend at 7 on a Wednesday... And have a glass of wine with dinner.


I called my SoulMate this morning and asked her husband to tell her how much it touches me that I see the words Love and Light in so many new places... I love that RK used it in his own blog, recently... My SM taught me that (she signs her emails with Love, Light, and Angel Hugs) and I love that I am putting it out there and so many are taking the L&L and making it theirs... She has influenced those who are strangers to her in such a positive way...

Update on the neighbor and the injuries:

I went to the office and showed them the notes and let them listen to the voicemail... She called and left a voicemail for the person we'd determined it to be and explained that I do live here, it is my carport, and it's unacceptable to place nasty notes on residents' cars... That same evening I got a voicemail from him... Opening with the apology. Going into an explanation about the history of my assigned carport, and how he'd had a bad day and he was so very sorry and he's really not an "a-hole" (his exact words! LOL!), and that I will have no issues with him ever again.

I admire a man who can sack up and apologize when it's warranted. Or a woman.

I lost a toenail in the fallout. The pinky toenail. I was probably going to lose it anyway. But still. I limped around for a couple of days, and wore flip-flops at work, thanks to the suggestion of a student (who really just wanted to see the toe! LOL!)

Last night as I waited for V to come pick me up, I stiffened up on the left side... The bruising turns different colors every hour, and last night, I had a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep... I'm still pretty swollen... Sitting is rather uncomfortable...

But I am healing.

It usually gets worse before it gets better... Physically and emotionally.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Little Miss Giggles On My Arse.

I think it's Little Miss Giggles. It's one of those characters. She's pink and cute and she's plastic with goo in her so that when you put her in the fridge she gets cold and is good for owies.

I actually bought her for T.

But she's tucked into the waistband of my sweats right now.

Let me backtrack a little...

I finally got to pick up my minivan this afternoon... She's been in the shop for a week-and-a-half. Which meant I've been driving a rental all that time... And, of course, it's a head gasket, which, apparently, is rather expensive... And, of course, it's longer than a week, so I have to keep the rental.


Today it was ready. And T wanted to go with us to get the car. So, I got to see my kidlet on a Monday, which was amazing... The hugging, the kissing, the catching up. The getting to just listen to him... Gawd, I nearly cried from the awesomeness of it!!

And then there was the total at the car rental place. Which shocked me. And I threw a bit of a tantrum. And saved myself $35. Mad skillz.

So, I took my boy back to his dad's and said goodbye.

And then I went to the supermarket and got home after 6. It wasn't long until the Cable Guy came back. And I was busy with the vacuum cleaner and such, but ready to just relax... Which I did... With a decent Cabernet and some Lindt 70% Cocoa...

And then I checked my phone, which had been on the charger all evening... And realized I'd missed T's call. Devastated, I dialed into voicemail... And got an "urgent" message from some man telling me that I don't belong in the carport at my apartment complex, and that I would get towed tonight at 11...

I kinda freaked out... Especially when I realized they'd probably called since my number is on the back window of my minivan (it's for business)... Of course, it was a "private" number...

So, I wrote a note to put on the back of my van... Saying I had just moved in and that this was my assigned carport spot, and to please not tow my car...

I took off down the stairs, slightly tipsy, and ended up slipping down the last few, landing on my arse, having scraped it on the last step... I worried that I may have broken a toe, but I think it was just scraped a bit... But I hurt... And all I could think was that I shouldn't have even been out there... But someone thought I didn't belong in my own parking spot!!

I left the note on the back of my van....

And realized there was a note on my windshield... Written on an envelope... In all caps: "YOU DON'T LIVE HERE DON'T PARK HERE YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR IT"... And I thought to myself, "My arse hurts, and yes, I do live here... That wasn't very nice..."

I removed the note and turned it over, hoping there was a name or a phone number... But, no... The coward had written more... "YOU PARK LIKE ****! THANKS FOR NOTHING!"

Okay, now wait a minute... I actually looked to see if I had parked like **** (I'm assuming that means "like shit")... And I didn't... I was within the lines... Like, six inches within the line!


I freaking lost it.

Bawling, I called M... Woke him up. So sad I'd missed T, but freaking out that my car would be towed and that I wouldn't have a way to get to work in the morning... M reassured me that they have my car on record at the complex and that I'm okay. They won't tow me.

How fucking stupid will my jackass neighbor feel when they realize they put a nasty note on their neighbor's car???

I wanted to put a note on their car introducing myself... And saying "thank you for welcoming me to the neighborhood..."

I didn't.

I called AZGirl, bawling... Hysterical... Just wanting to go to sleep and bask in the glory that was the awesome Cabernet... But, no. Someone had to be all cowardly. Who doesn't even deserve it.

So, I'll go to sleep now... With my phone nearby... So if they do decide to tow me and call first, I can tell them that whomever is the asshole who parks next to me is a jerk and that I do pay for that spot.

If not, at least I know that M will drive me to work... But I swear, if I have to pay to get my car outta impound, my neighbor is gonna have to pay for it....

Because I've spent enough on my car today... And while every penny was worth the extra hour I got with my son, I will NOT pay for some jerk to be a jackass to me.... Oh, no.

Thanks, AZGirl, who told me to ice my arse... 'Cause I know I'll be feeling that tomorrow!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A bump in the road...

I slept for about 16 hours last night. Well, rested. I slept from 4-9, then was up, reading, for a couple of hours, and then went back to sleep until after 8 this morning.

I needed it.

After a wonderful chat with V, I decided to drop this month's class. I'll take it in March, instead.

I've been slowly unpacking, getting things organized, doing some laundry... Missing my boy.

I called his dad this afternoon to talk to him. And it took nearly 4 hours before he called me back. They'd had a good day. Friends came over for basketball, so T got to play with his cousins... T can't wait to see me on Tuesday... I can't wait, either... It was all I could do to hold it together when he asked to "say quick words so we don't have to later", and we fell into our routine... I want to just hold him and snuggle him so badly!! I pretty much cried when we got off the phone...

Earlier, I was thinking about how I have this new place to blog... Hoping Cinderella doesn't find me too quickly... Wondering if I should delete those comments which use my first name...

And remembering how TheRaPist keeps telling me to blog it. Blog it all. Keep blogging.

And how I've been a blogger for years now. And HRT knew that. And preyed upon it. And I thought he loved that about me. But he really just wanted to stifle me. Change me. Use me. Even when I told him that "the next guy will know who I am and not ever try to stifle that..."

And then it hit me that M wanted to stifle me, too. Wanted me to be the little wife who stays at home and cooks and stuff. And while I do like to cook (shut up, you guys!), I want to do so much more...

Not that this weekend has been a shining example of that.

What with the staying in pajamas and sleeping and such.

But it's coming... The kickass chick you all know and love will be back... She's already making plans.

And it'll be great.

Because there are lessons I've learned over the last couple of years that I'm only now able to put into practice...

ClaRiTy comes in waves... But this place... This thing I've been moving towards... Every step I've taken along the way is making sense now... Every person who has come into my world... Every little thing I've held onto... Every little thing I've let go of...

There's the thesaurus. And the Minute Rice stuff... And the animal cookies. And the postcard that came from the OBX Marathon.... My mom on the bookshelf... Surrounded by angels...

It's gonna be great... And in the moments when it's not quite great, it's still gonna be okay.

Love and Light... (and shit. LOL.)

It had to be said...

Well, here it is... My first "MySpace" type blog off of MySpace... Wow.

Kind of scary to realize that this blog will be public... I hope my lurkers can find me but that my stalkers can't...

I think I'll be slightly more "encrypted" over here... Starting off with the initials and nicknames and such... It'll be awhile before I'm brave enough to post a photo blog, I'm sure...


I moved out a few days ago.

M, the not-quite-ex-husband, totally helped... The movers were kind of slimy and pulled a fast one on their employer, but it got me a better deal, I think, which was fine with me at this point. My car is still in the shop and will cost more than I'd expected, so I was okay with it, for sure.

I've been going through this weird stuff with trust and such... Taking this huge plunge. Leaving my husband. Whom I do actually still love.

AD took my tearful phone call on Wednesday... And asked me if I'd actually spelled it out for M. So, I did. Spelled it out. Told him, "I'm still waiting for you. To choose me. To love me. To want to spend time with me. Just me. I'm still waiting..."

He wasn't too thrilled that I was spelling it out the night before moving out. But at least it's out there. And maybe he'll decide our marriage is worth it and decide to do the work to make it better. And maybe he won't. But at least I said what needed to be said. And he can't ever say I didn't spell it out for him.

And then we went out with Blanche for her "bye for now" happy hour... And I'm having a really hard time with the idea of her leaving. I held it together, admirably, until the end... And I was glad that Missy was with me when I left... She threw her arm around my shoulder as we walked to the car... I adore Blanche... She's the big sister I never had... And when she told me "no boys for at least six months", I actually kind of listened.

And knowing that I have no interest in dating right now made me a bit more comfortable in other interactions.

Jack, the Cable Guy, came over on Thursday evening... And once I found out he was married, I felt far more comfortable with him. He's cute, funny, flirty... And harmless.

And I felt like he had this protectiveness thing going for me right off the bat... Which he demonstrated as he left... Making sure that he locked the door before he closed it. Sweet. Reminded me of CB, my TF's husband... Who totally helped me with my son's furniture. And made sure I was safe and happy. Joked with me, but is harmless.

I like that word... Harmless... Because it seems like the men who have been closest to me in the last year haven't been harmless... And one or two of them have actually set out to cause harm... Deliberately.

But I'm trying to get past that right now... And the kindness of strangers helps.

The mover-guy, who flirted with me... (And was yet another person to say, "Really? You guys are getting divorced? You get along so well!" What? The hugging and laughing on moving day isn't normal divorced-couple behavior???)

Jack, who joked with me and got my cable hooked up... And my internet... And still has to come back on Monday...

Karen, at SWA, who read my letter and felt my pain... Who offered me a travel voucher to ease my troubles over the HRT (those of you who were reading my MS blog would recognize him as D. But I have a new name for him now. *grin*)...

And speaking of the HRT... I knew that once that race was over that I would be able to move on... But I'm shocked at just how easily it is coming... In fact, I was stunned when I got the call from the airline... And stunned that it brought back some of those feelings of betrayal... Because I'm kind of over it. For real, this time! LOL.

Okay, I need to get to my classwork... Trying to stay motivated to get this stuff done... And not drop the class. Which is really, really, really tempting right now.

So, I'll go grab another cup of coffee, brewed in my own pot, and drunk out of one of the new mugs... I do need to get to the supermarket one of these days...

Moving on... In this new place...

Thanks for being part of my journey.