Sunday, February 8, 2009

It had to be said...

Well, here it is... My first "MySpace" type blog off of MySpace... Wow.

Kind of scary to realize that this blog will be public... I hope my lurkers can find me but that my stalkers can't...

I think I'll be slightly more "encrypted" over here... Starting off with the initials and nicknames and such... It'll be awhile before I'm brave enough to post a photo blog, I'm sure...


I moved out a few days ago.

M, the not-quite-ex-husband, totally helped... The movers were kind of slimy and pulled a fast one on their employer, but it got me a better deal, I think, which was fine with me at this point. My car is still in the shop and will cost more than I'd expected, so I was okay with it, for sure.

I've been going through this weird stuff with trust and such... Taking this huge plunge. Leaving my husband. Whom I do actually still love.

AD took my tearful phone call on Wednesday... And asked me if I'd actually spelled it out for M. So, I did. Spelled it out. Told him, "I'm still waiting for you. To choose me. To love me. To want to spend time with me. Just me. I'm still waiting..."

He wasn't too thrilled that I was spelling it out the night before moving out. But at least it's out there. And maybe he'll decide our marriage is worth it and decide to do the work to make it better. And maybe he won't. But at least I said what needed to be said. And he can't ever say I didn't spell it out for him.

And then we went out with Blanche for her "bye for now" happy hour... And I'm having a really hard time with the idea of her leaving. I held it together, admirably, until the end... And I was glad that Missy was with me when I left... She threw her arm around my shoulder as we walked to the car... I adore Blanche... She's the big sister I never had... And when she told me "no boys for at least six months", I actually kind of listened.

And knowing that I have no interest in dating right now made me a bit more comfortable in other interactions.

Jack, the Cable Guy, came over on Thursday evening... And once I found out he was married, I felt far more comfortable with him. He's cute, funny, flirty... And harmless.

And I felt like he had this protectiveness thing going for me right off the bat... Which he demonstrated as he left... Making sure that he locked the door before he closed it. Sweet. Reminded me of CB, my TF's husband... Who totally helped me with my son's furniture. And made sure I was safe and happy. Joked with me, but is harmless.

I like that word... Harmless... Because it seems like the men who have been closest to me in the last year haven't been harmless... And one or two of them have actually set out to cause harm... Deliberately.

But I'm trying to get past that right now... And the kindness of strangers helps.

The mover-guy, who flirted with me... (And was yet another person to say, "Really? You guys are getting divorced? You get along so well!" What? The hugging and laughing on moving day isn't normal divorced-couple behavior???)

Jack, who joked with me and got my cable hooked up... And my internet... And still has to come back on Monday...

Karen, at SWA, who read my letter and felt my pain... Who offered me a travel voucher to ease my troubles over the HRT (those of you who were reading my MS blog would recognize him as D. But I have a new name for him now. *grin*)...

And speaking of the HRT... I knew that once that race was over that I would be able to move on... But I'm shocked at just how easily it is coming... In fact, I was stunned when I got the call from the airline... And stunned that it brought back some of those feelings of betrayal... Because I'm kind of over it. For real, this time! LOL.

Okay, I need to get to my classwork... Trying to stay motivated to get this stuff done... And not drop the class. Which is really, really, really tempting right now.

So, I'll go grab another cup of coffee, brewed in my own pot, and drunk out of one of the new mugs... I do need to get to the supermarket one of these days...

Moving on... In this new place...

Thanks for being part of my journey.


  1. Hey Shayna! It's Heather (ex myspacer as well) just an FYI you CAN make these blogs invite only, that's what i did! I think you can have up to 100 readers. With me writing about my kids and such i was hesitant to leave mine public. Glad to see you on blogspot too, i love your blogs!

  2. p.s. send me your email address and i will invite you to mine if you want :)

  3. Hi Shayna,

    I always love reading and hearing anything about you.

    I am all excited that I was the first person to sign up to follow your new blog.

    I needed so much L&L to get through the TNT meeting yesterday. I drew on the strength and comfort of having you as my friend and somehow held it together for the most part until I was driving home.

    Sending you L&L, hope you find all you are looking for and richly deserve.


  4. Hey Shayna,
    Thanks for reminding me that I have a very stale account over here on Blogger! Sorry to see you go from MS, but I can pretty much get in touch anytime, anywhere no matter what. Love you!

  5. will you still be my Danger over here? :)
    because i need my Danger to still be my Danger. i've been following that "other" blog for a couple years now...i'm so relieved you're just moving it here, not quitting. and if you delete that account i will cry. you better come visit me over there.
    now, back to you: have i told you lately how proud i am of you? glad you're all moved. want to know how the new place feels. and what hrt stands for ;)
    love you.

  6. Wow. I have missed getting blog comments! :) I love blog comments! Whee!!!

    Heather, we shall have to discuss the invite only thing. I did send you my email addresses, including this encrypted one. LOL!

    Ross, I will go back and read your latest blog entry... I wasn't ready to cry yet, but now that I've gotten my first tears out of the way, I'm ready to take on your blog! L&L right back at you!

    Carol, I'm just a text, phone call, email away... And perhaps a visit one day. I have a travel voucher, you know... ;) Although, I may have decided to go check out the PostSecret exhibit in NorCal. Just saying... ;)

    CupCake, I'll always be your Danger. And I couldn't possibly delete my account over there. That would be entirely too hypocritical, even for me... LOL! Check your phone... I texted you the translation. ;) Love you!

  7. Love your photo! :-) But you probably knew that already!

  8. Yes, you are my 1st internet love. And the only one that I will share my tattoo experience with. Things are getting smoother for you.. lots more clarity.

    I love you so much. I miss your hugs.