Monday, May 31, 2010

Long Weekend...

Sometimes these long weekends turn out to be too long...

Like this one.

The kidlet and I spent a beautiful day with friends on Saturday. And decided to go on a brittle hunt on Sunday. Since it was a gorgeous day and he hadn't seen his dad, we invited his dad to go with us. So, Sunday ended up being a family day.

Which kind of throws me into all kinds of turmoil all over again. Especially when he speaks cryptically and makes me think that he spent the night with someone two nights earlier.

I hated that it bothered me. I know I'm a total hypocrite. I've made no secret of Eric. The Ex knows I'd spent an amazing weekend away with him just last weekend. But I didn't like those little licks of jealousy that were lapping at my brain.

And we got along so well, and our son just totally thrived in those hours that he got to spend with both of his parents...

It's so confusing sometimes to be such good friends with him. And here he is, being so freaking supportive of this major thing I've undertaken... Something he would not have been during our marriage.

So, then there was the phone call... With me crying... And him saying the words that I've longed to hear for so long... The words that Eric won't say.

It's all very confusing.

Which led to a sleepless night.

So, of course, after a sleepless night, I wasn't quite in the right mood for today.

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends. And those trusted friends made me realize I needed to make a few changes. Which I tried to do in a kind way.

Unfortunately, however, apparently, you have to bring drama to your world so that you can eliminate it. I just really didn't feel like bringing it today. And I accidentally did.

At least Ari has blocked me. And Andy came riding to her rescue on his white horse. I'm so disappointed in him. That he could actually accuse me of doing this because of him and Ari? Has that guy MET me?!? Ugh. Why on earth would I drag him into the ridiculousness that his girlfriend has created? Why would I have EVER told him that what is happening now between me and Ari started long before he ever entered the picture? Oh, I know. Because I never brought that kind of stuff to him. And had I known he'd been interested in her before they began, I might have told him. But he didn't. So, I didn't. It was too late.

I'm honestly so fucking over them.

Just as I'm so fucking over Cinderella. Why can't she just stay the fuck away from me and from mine? I hate that I have to push people I've cared about away just so that they don't feel like they're stuck in the middle.

But I'll do what I have to do. I need to continue to put my child first. And a happy and drama-free mommy is a far better mommy to him than the one who continues to hear little whispers about her opening her fucking mouth all over again.

I know she's reading this now. So, I'll give her this: GO AWAY!!! Do not EVER let my name cross your lips. AT ALL. You have NO reason to ever speak my name. NONE. And you have nobody to blame but YOU.

I'm just so fucking exhausted. And this is such a huge week. This thing that is coming... That I've been planning for nearly (more than?) a year... It's days away.

And I keep going back and forth on it. And there's no backing out now. Not that there ever was. I'm going through with it. And it's going to be amazing. And scary. And fun. And exciting. And a little bit crazy.

I just need to get my head back in the game. Process everything that has been thrown my way in the last two days...

I just need some Peace. And maybe a hug.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I need to write so badly it hurts.

But I'm talking about it. And that's good, I suppose.

My work bff stares at me like I'm off my rocker. Wonders why I'm so matter-of-fact about this. She knows I'll be wrecked when it's done. Reminded me that her shoulder will be there when I'm ready to need it.

This evening, the numbness started to wear off a bit. And there's a lump in my throat and my eyes ache with unshed tears...

But I'm walking the walk.

When I say that I love my son the most out of anything, I absolutely mean it. So much so that I'm going to do the hard thing. The thing that will make me unhappy. But it's the right thing. And I will be happy again... Just... Later.

Yes, I'm willing to put my happiness on hold. And I know what I'm risking.

And I'm still getting my priorities in order. And putting off this thing because that's the right thing to do.

Huh. Being patient. Weird.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

One Year.

One year ago this weekend.

The weekend that changed everything.

The night before Mother's Day, I wrote two emails.

One to Cinderella. Asking her to please respect me and stop talking about me. To stop reading my blog. To stop contacting me.

She has respected none of that. My last blog entry was full of lies. I was setting the tone to start making stuff up to draw her out. To force her to admit that our "mutual friend" is named Blogger.

But then I decided that she simply doesn't matter enough.

The other to the one who was about to make what I thought was a huge mistake.

The next morning dawned, and the kidlet and I prepared for Ari's arrival. I would be cooking up breakfast and we would be celebrating together. Two kids in the "We have Dead Jewish Mothers Club".

And there I was all zen and happy to share that special day with her.

And she brought drama to my home.

I remember being glad to see her go.

This year has been different.

This weekend, I truly believe that I have been in a place where I am just glad. Glad to be the mom to the kidlet that I am. Things have been pretty amazing in this last year.

I haven't been dreading tomorrow like I have for the past several years.

Yeah, okay, I don't have a mom anymore, and that's sad, but I'm truly, truly grateful for my son.

Yeah, okay, that last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and that was pretty traumatic. But I'm truly, truly grateful for my son.

And, yeah, okay. I used to spend Mother's Day with my mother-in-law and my husband's family. And while I did ask the Ex if we could all do lunch together tomorrow, he preferred not to. And that sucks even more when the kidlet asks why he doesn't get to see his grandma tomorrow.

This evening as we walked to the ice cream shop, he said, "I guess Grandma doesn't know the secret." I asked what to which secret he was referring."

"That even though we're not married anymore, we can still love each other and be a family."

That's the secret. The one *I* taught him.

And while it is kinda sad that his grandparents (and aunt and uncle and cousins, I suppose!) don't know that secret, I'm so glad that my little boy DOES.

And I hope that on the eve of this day when we are to celebrate mothers, that maybe... Just maybe... Someone new will learn that secret.

And that even though there are those who will be spending their first Mother's Day thinking about a mom they lost this year, I hope that they can find some joy in it.

Me? I'll be grateful for the day I'll get to spend with that amazing little man.

And I'll be sending some extra Light and Love to those who will need it. Especially my favorite soldier who lost his mom earlier this year. And even to Ari. While I'm glad not to spend time with her tomorrow, I'll never forget how she picked me up off of that dirty sidewalk two years ago. After sitting with me, first.