Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Stood up.

Dear CJ,

Thank you.

Thank you for being a nice, somewhat normal guy.

Thank you for that banter in the beginning. Hell, even up until yesterday afternoon.

Thank you for enjoying the brownie and for telling me so.

Thank you for respecting my wishes that night. And for making me stick to my rules.

Thank you for being so pivotal in getting me to complete my second novel. (I do hope that when it gets published next month, you'll get a copy. Because there's something in it just for YOU.)

Thank you for getting me out and about to watch football and to see movies and to see the lights that night.

Thank you for kissing me in parking lots.

Thank you for answering my questions (well, until the last few days).

Thank you for telling me that you like me and that I'm very sexy.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Thank you for making me come.

Thank you for not having sex with me.

Thank you for helping me see that Leon would never be worthy. Even though you never knew he even existed.

Thank you for asking me good questions. Thank you for asking hard questions. Thank you for not holding any of those answers against me.

I'm sorry that the fact that I was alone for nearly 48 hours starting on Christmas Day affected you. I don't quite understand the dynamics of your family stuff, so it was hard for me to accept when I didn't hear from you. I'm sorry that the fact that I was taking on a 50k race (hence, the Race Mode attitude) affected you. And I'm sorry that there was a PMS issue there, too.

But if you were done, you really could have told me. And you could have let it end on Saturday. You didn't have to act like I mattered more than I actually do. You didn't have to beg for a chance to have a conversation. You didn't have to check on me after my race and be all sympathetic when you heard how messed up I was.

And you certainly didn't have to flirt with me all afternoon yesterday. And ask me to dinner. And then when I said I couldn't do dinner, you didn't have to tell me that you would come up and see me. And be all smiley and winky about it.

And when you realized you had woken up from an unplanned nap, you should have picked up the phone and called me. Instead of texting me to ask if I would still be willing to meet with you another night.

You could have just let it go.

Which, apparently, is what you've done today. But without even a call or a text.

And that is pretty much the first shitty thing you've done. Well, aside from dragging it out.

So, I hope you listen to the voicemail I left you.

And I hope you know that even though you were, supposedly, afraid of hurting me, you didn't.

I may be confused. I may be surprised. But I'm not that sad to see you go. You weren't "the one". And I knew that. But you were a nice guy to practice on for awhile. You were fun. And I liked you.

And, hey, you got me to stop sleeping with the 23-year-old. No, I didn't give him up FOR you. But it was time to give him up before he got hurt (oops?).

Maybe I'd be more upset if I wasn't reminded with increasing clarity just how many blessings there are in my world. If I didn't have this amazing little boy who brings me constant joys. Or if I didn't have amazing and wonderful friends whom I love fiercely and who love me back. Or if I wasn't hearing from Brendan again. Or if I didn't know that I'm fleeing the county in another sleep and won't be back until 2010.

But I do have those wonderful things in my world.

And while I feel this weird sense of unfinishedness (I get to make up words. Deal with it.), I am hoping that a few days away will help to alleviate that.

So, bye, CJ. I'm actually bummed that it ended like this. But I'm not all that bummed that it's ended.

Take care,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sometimes you CAN go home.

I'm back in my hometown for the holidays. Got here on Sunday and am staying through Christmas Eve.

Just over a week ago, we started planning a mini-reunion. Not like the mini-reunions of old. This would be at a family establishment. My only hope was that my ex-fiancee didn't show up this time.

On Monday, I got to have lunch with my IBFF. She hadn't told anyone she was in town, but she made time to meet me and the kidlet for lunch. I felt touched and honored... And I loved that she asked me about a PostSecret that had been posted a couple of months ago. She recognized the handwriting and had meant to ask if it was mine. And it had been. I loved that. And I love that I can be so candid with her and that she's always on my side. And I got to play with her son. And, shockingly, felt my uterus contract a bit. Weird.

Later that afternoon, another friend took time out of his crazy shopping day to meet me and the kidlet for coffee. We hadn't seen each other since the kidlet was a baby, and I've met his infant son three times. We're making a point of doing that. I got to snuggle his boy, too. And, again. That weird twinge in my uterus. WTF???


That night, heard a rumor that one of the mean girls is getting divorced. And instead of giggling about karma and such (which would have been justified!!!), I just was sad for the effect it will have on her kids. Still waiting for the gloating. I don't think it's coming. I never wished them ill. No matter what anybody thought.

Went holiday shopping with Dad. He bought me a CamelBack. Color me thrilled. Of course when we went to check out, Leon's 9th grade girlfriend was at the register. Only in my world, right???

Then came the mini-reunion. And I walked in the door and there was this crowd in the entry. And there were people there I hadn't seen since graduation. People I hadn't expected to see. People I was thrilled to see.

I had heard a few years ago that one of them thought I didn't like her. Because of something that had happened 20 years ago. I had said at that time that I was so over it. But it was awesome to realize that she's a really cool chick and we had lots to talk about.

It was great to be with these people and that there was no drama. Like, at all. And to realize that even though I have the reputation of drama following me, it wasn't really all me. And that was lovely.

I didn't get enough one-on-one time with anyone who was there. But it was enough of a taste to just make me grateful.

There was a moment when one woman asked why one of the mean girls wasn't there. And I kind of choked on my Dr Pepper. Later she would ask about HRT as well. I did choke that time. But it was funny. And when she asked about the stories, I kept it pretty low-key. Not many details. Just the minimum.

I said something about how I'm not allowed to date guys from high school anymore. And was questioned... Mentioned HRT and Leon. And left it at that. Look at me, not seeking that kind of attention anymore!!

This morning, as I made my coffee and broke up another batch of the magical chocolate-bacon-peanut bark, I reflected about how I'm here in this town and I haven't kissed anybody and I'm totally okay with that. I haven't heard from CJ since the night I got here and I'm mostly okay with that.

And I decided it's best for all involved for me to go ahead and go camping with the boys over New Years. The kidlet keeps running in to hug me and tell me how happy he is that I'm going. And I'm pretty damn grateful that I have a plan and can just be off the grid for a few days.

I've realized that dating completely sucks during the holidays and I'd prefer to not have anything to do with it, honestly. I'll start over again in the New Year. Maybe. LOL.

For now, I'll just enjoy the sound of my son playing a board game in the other room with my dad. And giggle over him singing songs like "Walking Around the Christmas Tree" and "The Twelve Days of Christmas... 'Nine babies dancing!'"

And I'll just continue to bask in the glow that was the Light and Love of old friends who knew me when... And who actually read this thing and remind me of just how far I've come...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Because now, apparently, I'm a grownup.

The date did not go as planned (hoped for?).

He'd had a bad day. And was in a snit. And didn't even realize how negative he was being.

I chose to enjoy the place we were. And to enjoy the weather and the lights... Let his negativity roll off. Never once did I apologize for what went wrong. Never once did I take it personally.

Holy growth!

And later, I asked him if I could make an observation. He agreed and I wasn't really all that scared to tell him that the reason why he was so upset was that he was choosing to focus on the negatives. Earlier he had apologized to me for ruining the night and I stared and him and said (honestly), "My night's not ruined. I'm out on a Saturday night with a nice guy. I'm fine!"

He took several minutes on the drive back to reflect upon my observation. And admitted I was right and apologized again. Thanked me for saying it. And then made a conscious effort to change his attitude and behavior.

And while I appreciated that, it still wasn't enough for me to change my mind about what would or would not happen next.

He pulled into a parking spot in my complex, took off his seatbelt and asked, "Did you want me to come in?"

And I said, "Did I? Yes. Do I? No."

And he totally understood.

So, I went home alone.

I cried for about 10 seconds. And considered calling the 23-year-old for about 5 seconds.

And ended up getting into my comfies, pouring myself a glass of wine, popping some popcorn and watching Friends for awhile. And then lurked around on the PostSecret forum.

And I woke up alone this morning. Certain that there is a reason for everything. I did not compromise the woman that I am becoming. I know that there is a reason why things didn't happen last night.

And I'm certain all will be clear later.

I'm a fan of this growing shit. It can be painful at times, but wow.

I'm still kind of stunned that I didn't take it personally. That SO would not have happened a year ago. I would have been apologizing and probably would have had sex with him anyway.

And I'm still kind of stunned that I said what I did. Like, OUT LOUD. And to his face.

I am a force to be reckoned with. And I'm blessed with people who can, apparently, handle it. Even when it doesn't paint them in the most positive light.

So, yes, if he wants it, he'll get another chance.

And if he doesn't, well, that's okay, too.

Because I'm done compromising. I actually know what my beliefs are and what my limits are. And I'm not afraid to stick to them anymore.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Potty Talk.

When I moved out, I knew I needed an apartment with two bathrooms. Having shared a bathroom with two boys for years, I knew that one thing that would be lovely for me would be to have a bathroom of my own. And nobody else would get to pee in it.

CF totally understood. "Yes, I can totally have sex with a guy in my bed, but he can't pee in my bathroom." Uh-uh. The bathroom is mine.

I remember when I was thinking the day would come when I might have sex with Leon... And I kept telling myself I needed to clean my bathroom. Because if I had sex with him, he'd probably stay over and stuff. And I hadn't let anyone stay over. Uh-uh. I have been a "have my way with them and kick them OUT" kind of gal lately.

When I thought Leon would be picking me up from the airport, I was overwhelmed with the idea that I needed to make sure to clean my bathroom before I left town.

But then I didn't. And I told myself that I would make sure I wouldn't invite him to stay if I didn't have a clean (enough) bathroom.

Apparently, that was my little passive-aggressive way to keep me from letting anyone stay. To keep me from letting anyone get close enough to me. I think the clean bathroom almost became a metaphor for my love life.

I had a good excuse in November. I was noveling. I may have vacuumed once during that month. And that's pretty much it. Dishes piled up, laundry too. It's the nature of the beast that is NaNoWriMo.

As soon as December hit, I caught up on the housework. But only the very basic cleaning in the bathroom. Very basic. Certainly not "let someone else go in there" worthy.

The first time the 23-year-old came over, he went off to my bathroom to clean up. And I was pretty close to having a panic attack. Not kidding. Hated the idea of a boy peeing in my bathroom. That was MY space. He didn't belong there. He could put his penis in my vagina, but was NOT allowed to pee in my toilet. I directed him to the other bathroom the next time. And the brat still tried to make a break for my bathroom on another occasion. I did not allow this.

So, CJ and I had the talk I had decided it was time for. And he answered all of my questions... And then asked me some really good questions. Hard questions. Questions that made me think. And didn't hold a single answer against me. Totally respectful. Asked me if we ended up having sex if I was willing to date him and see where it could go. Or if I wanted no strings attached.

And shockingly, I realized I am open to seeing where it will go. While I'm not ready to be "all in" and be his girlfriend, I'm actually open to moving forward cautiously, but with my heart and eyes wide open.


And he asked me out. For Saturday night. And wants to take me someplace that I have always wanted to go. But I haven't. We had already established a date for Thursday. And I thought we would go there then. But he said he wanted to make it Saturday, but still wanted to see me Thursday. And I was flattered and touched.

I cried on the way to work the next day. Because I felt happy. I imagined being out with him on Saturday night, enjoying where we would be, looking at him and being so grateful that he is the one that brought me to that place... And the tears spilled over. I hope I don't actually cry when we're actually there. LOL.

And we're in pretty regular communication. He's not afraid to let me know that he's thinking about me. And he's not afraid to step back and let me do my thing. I am not quite sure how to deal with that. I like it a lot, but it's so unfamiliar to me.

Okay, I wrote that last sentence and my eyes filled with tears. How sad that it's unfamiliar to me for someone to be attracted to me, want to be with me, and yet unafraid to let me kick ass like I do.

Huh. I did not give CJ enough credit.

And we did go out on Thursday. And he got me pretty hot and bothered, but sent me home alone because he didn't want to pass his cold along to me. As we were hugging and (not) kissing outside my car that night, we heard my phone indicate a text. Which I ignored until I got in the car to head home.

Of course it was 23-year-old. Making it clear what he was hoping would happen later.

And I shut it down.

Even though I was desperately aroused. And while I thought I was pretty clear about our little thing being over, apparently it takes a bit longer for this kid to "get it". I tried to be sensitive (yes, okay, perhaps he did have some actual feelings for me. Oops!), but I didn't give in. Even though I'd started drinking Cabernet.

I'm actually giving this loyalty thing a try. Holy wow.

And then it was Friday night. And I did the usual Friday night thing. Hanging out with the Ex and the Kidlet and a small group of friends. Got to snuggle the kidlet and enjoy him.

And then I came home. Dragged all of my purchases up the stairs, while on the phone with CJ. We ended our conversation because I had "things to do".

And what I had to do?

Clean the bathroom.

And I did.


Monday, December 14, 2009

Patience and Trust and a dose of TMI.

I really need to give him a name. So you can keep them all straight. NOF says I need a white board. She's probably not wrong.

So, the guy that stepped up recently... The one whose middle name is Leon's real name. I'm going to call him CJ. Don't ask why. Just go with it.

Anyway. I told SoulMate about CJ and she was all jazzed about him. So was Dr. Tim (aka Therapist). Dr. Tim did remind me to go into this with my eyes open, however. Because if someone seems too good to be true, then he could be a sociopath. Which makes me laugh. Because while CJ does seem pretty great these days, he's far from perfect. Although, he does say the right things. And via text, too.

CJ really stepped it up in the last week or so... I had been pretty sure he was dating someone else, but we hadn't talked about it. And it's not like I really cared, anyway. I was dating someone else. And still communicating with others. Oh, and still fucking the 23-year-old.

Oh, had I not mentioned that?

This kid's not to be confused with the 21-year-old valet. That was a one-time thing. Number deleted right afterward. Gone. Done. He's served his purpose.

But the 23-year-old. Sweet kid. Took him a few tries to get it through his head that he's just a booty call (or whatever you want to call it). But he seems to have gotten that memo. He's someone I had been flirting with for months, and not long after one of the many breaks with Leon, I pretty much spelled it out for him that we should and could hook up. But that is all it would be. And while he's young and sometimes that's frustrating (No, if we already have plans for you to come over at a certain time, you do NOT actually need to do the whole textual foreplay thing. If I say it's happening, I'm a sure thing. Leave me alone until you actually show up at my doorstep. I have other things to do in the meantime), it's been a pleasant experience. Safe, no strings attached, done. It's been enjoyable.

And I know it's finite. When I get serious about someone (or he does), we're done. This is just an amusement in the meantime.

But I didn't exactly expect it to end so soon.

But I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Something that could be real.

CJ uses words like "respect" and "understanding". And "I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with..."

Um, and he meant it. Two days after the marathon, he offered to come over and cuddle and give me a massage. And, hey, if he wanted to help me with the aches, I was not about to turn him down (No ice bath and a 5-hour drive makes for sore muscles for longer than usual).

So, he came over. And we talked and cuddled and made out. And there was... touching. And stuff. And I hadn't been waxed in weeks and he didn't seem to care. And then he made me come. Not once, either. And there I was, panting and clinging to him, ready to take him into my bedroom, and he stopped. Said, "You said you didn't want to do anything more tonight, so I'm going to go."

Um, what???? Oh, he didn't leave me hanging or anything. There was lots more hot kissing and fondling and such. But then he went. Because I had told him the day before that I wasn't ready for more. So, he showed the restraint that had flown out my window.

The next day, I ended up getting waxed. Impeccable timing. The good news is that my appointment is in his town. So, I texted him to let him know I would be around with no plans after 6. (This was the day it didn't rain.) He had to work til 7, and needed to stop by his folks'. Didn't want me waiting for him for an hour and a half (too cold), so did I want to get together Friday instead?

And then it turned out that my appointment ran later than I had expected. So, I hung out with my SoulMate and met him for dinner, because he instantly changed his plans a bit to be able to see me.

And we had a great time. And have been in pretty regular contact ever since. And then the texts got a bit naughty again. And I think we need to have a conversation.

I'm pretty sure that the next guy I have sex with is going to be someone who could have (gulp!) relationship potential.

And since I got rid of Leon for good, I find myself, suddenly, open to that.

Holy growth! What happened to the RetroMama who just wanted to fuck younger dudes?

She's actually open to something real.

Which, looking at it with the ClaRiTy distance brings, is NOT something I was actually open to with Leon. I told him that. I told him the last time we spoke that my biggest fear in telling him I loved him wasn't that he didn't feel the same. My biggest fear was that he would tell me he was ready to be together. Not only was I not completely ready, but I knew I'd have some cleaning up to do. I was seeing CJ and Roger at the time... Oh, and I had just opened up communications with someone else. Brendan. Who seems pretty awesome. So, that pressure he felt from me that I was pushing for a relationship was actually all in his imagination.

So, anyway. Back to last week. Starting to think that CJ and I need to have a bit of a talk. The "Are we going to have sex?" talk. And what does that entail? I haven't really asked him the tough questions yet. And, obviously, if he can't handle my questions, I won't go there. Regardless, he's someone I listen to. He tells me stuff in a way that makes me do it. And not a whole lot of people can influence me that way. Well, they can, but not when it comes to things like getting me to write 6000 words in a day. Or icing my knee. Or stay home so that I can get my holiday cards addressed and stuff. He steps back to let me do stuff. It's weird.

But anyway, I know this talk is coming. And I found myself wondering if I would end up being someone's girlfriend. Which I haven't been in quite awhile. I've been keeping my options open. But I'm ready to at least have that talk. And see where it goes.

But, um... Well...

Then there's Brendan. Who is a bit older. And who is funny and charming on the phone and via email. Who totally gets the whole "gratitude" thing I've got going on. And told me to "have a great(ful) day." Holy wow. He kind of gets me. And is open to that.

So, after an amazing night with E (complete with margaritas and flirting with wait staff!), I met up with Brendan at 7:30 for dirty chai. Because he's never had dirty chai and wanted to try it.

Of course, my favorite place is closed until 8:30 on Sundays. So, we decided to go to Starbucks for coffee instead. And after sitting and chatting for nearly two hours, decided to go to breakfast, too. And when we talked about what we had on the agenda for the day, he mentioned that he needed to go to a sporting goods store. Um, my favorite sporting goods store. Like, the store that has become my new playground. I asked if he was going to the one in my town and while that hadn't been his plan, did I want to go to the local one with him? Um, hello?

So, then we went there, too.

And more than 5 hours after our first hug hello, we finally hugged goodbye.

And I feel like I know him better in that first day than I have in six dates with CJ. And Brendan admitted that he hadn't planned to tell me most of what he did. (I get people to tell me stuff. It's part of my charm. ::shrug::). And we made a very tentative plan to see each other toward the end of this week if he's in town. He did tell me he's a guy who takes time to process stuff. And I thanked him for telling me because then I knew to be patient with him.

So, here I am. The day after the amazing date. And I haven't heard from him. NOF told me to be patient. I'm trying.

But I have heard from CJ. And he knows we're going to have a conversation. And that just might be tonight. Via phone. So I don't get distracted. But I did mention how it was strange that I trust him. And he said that I can probably tell he's just looking out for me. And he is. From our first date, he's looked out for me. And while I'm still sensing that he's not THE one, he very well could be A one.

So, this dilemma. It's a delicious one.

But I'm thinking it might be time to drop the 20-somethings. Then again, maybe we could give it one last go before calling it quits?

But I am gearing up for something real. Not necessarily something forever. But something that's reciprocal. And real. I'm ready to give this love stuff a chance.

But which one???


Saturday, December 12, 2009

It didn't rain that day.

So, Leon and I made the plan. To do that hard thing for him. And I would be there. And it would be beautiful and heartbreaking and amazing. And then I would say goodbye to him. He didn't know that part, though.

And then he tried to postpone. "It's supposed to rain that day. I think I'll wait to do it until February."

Well, I'm sick of postponing the healing.

So, I said the hard things. I said out loud, "I can't be friends with you. You made me a quitter and my friends don't do that."

He called me out on it, "Why were you going to do this huge emotional thing with me if you don't want to be friends with me?"

"Because it would be my last gift for the man that I love. So that you could move away. And I could let you go knowing that I did everything. I tried."

And we talked a bit further. I said things that I'd written in that letter. Not all of them. But some of them. Enough of them.

And I cried hard for a few moments. Probably didn't help that I was less than 24 hours from having finished my first marathon in 8 weeks. And I was in agony. Physically. So, I just added the emotional turmoil to it and got it all out in one fell swoop.

And then it was done.

And then the most amazing thing happened.... I ended up having the most beautiful week. And wonderful people have stepped into it. And someone I didn't think had potential suddenly turned out to have potential.

And when I told SoulMate "I wasn't hearing from him not because he wasn't interested, but because he wanted me to have the time to succeed...", she said, "Oh, you mean he was stepping back to let RetroMama be RetroMama?"


And on that day when I got to spend a beautiful and impromptu 30 minutes with her? That was the day it was supposed to have rained. And it didn't. It was a gorgeous, crisp, clear night. And instead of doing the hard emotional thing, I got to see my SoulMate. And go on a dinner date. :)

I'm done hiding the true me from people. I'm going to be all Gratitude and Light and Love and if that's simply too intense for someone, then they can choose to step away.

Oh, and I decided Roger wasn't the one for me.

And in very un-dramatic fashion, we broke things off.

But the one who stepped back last month? I shall have to come up with a blog name for him. Because he might be sticking around for awhile... Of course, I'm still keeping my options open. Still communicating with and dating others...

But I am me. And I do have something to offer. And it's up to you to accept it or not. Because whether you can handle me or not isn't about me.

And whether I choose to accept you is my choice. And I'm done wasting time on those unworthy. I shall continue to offer the random acts of kindness, and the not-so-random. I will be me. I will live and love and I will BE loved.

It's coming. I can feel it. And I'm finally open to it.

I cut the dead weight. And damn, that feels good.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Even with everything thrown my way in the last 29 days...

I fucking did it.

And I used 264 of my words (Don't worry. I went way over the 50,000. And I'm not even done yet.) to acknowledge the influence of certain someones in getting this thing done.

Give me a few weeks. And I'm gonna publish.


Clarity is sometimes fun and sometimes painful...

... but it always, apparently, arrives at the moment it's supposed to.

I learned a lot about myself in the last several days.

I took my son on the out-of-state trip we had planned. And I did it. All by myself. And that validation I had been waiting for didn't come from anybody else. I had been waiting for just one person to say, "Yeah, I can imagine that even though it's going to be great, and I totally believe you can do it, but yeah, I can see that it would be scary to do."

Nobody said that to me. But I sure said it to myself. While I appreciate that everybody seems to believe that I kick ass and I take it in stride, there are some scary things that I take on. This was one of them.

Amazingly, upon our return, it was my sister-in-law who stared at me admiringly. I don't think she was impressed about me driving that many hours and that many miles with just me and him. She was impressed by the fact that I took him on a trail... With no handrails. (Again, a moment of clarity right there!) The idea of being responsible for this amazing little human being who was, potentially, inches from plunging nearly a mile to his death. Was absolutely terrifying. And he was scared, too. And he talked about how we were being brave. And I love that he learned that with me. And I explained to him that "courage is not the absence of fear. It's deciding that something else is more important than the fear."

Fuck. Writing that out just now made me realize, once again, that CF was right last night.


So, after this amazing trip, in which we were both total troopers, I pushed it hard to get back last night. CF was in town for the holiday and last night would be my only chance to see her.

So, I did. And over drinks and dinner, I sobbed to her about how I had woken up at 3:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day, having imaginary conversations with Leon in my head. And I had written him a letter that night (unsent. Don't worry.) that was somewhat healing for me. But how I have this certainty that it's not quite finished with him. Because of one stupid thing he said to me two months ago. Apparently, I'm supposed to do this one thing. And I got angry. "Why is it that I always have to do what's right for someone else? Why can't I just consider what's in it for me?" And she calmly took it and said, "That's just not who you are."

Ugh. I hate it when people are right about me.

But I hate it more when people are wrong about me.

Which is why I'm so angry with Leon. And, I suppose, Roger, too. He was so sweet the whole time I was gone. Texting me with "hi beautiful". But some stuff has been rubbing me the wrong way. I'm proud of myself for telling him. And he's been taking it in stride. The impression I have of him, though, is of someone that would just let me have my way all the time. And, contrary to popular belief, I actually need someone who will put me in my place every now and then. Take me down a peg.

CF certainly did that last night. Calling me out on stuff. Asking me the hardest questions of all. Making me think. Giving me an assignment.

But doing so with Love and with Laughter.

Sick laughter. Our poor waitress. Who happened to walk up to leave a drink as we were talking about "tossing mommies off the pier". Luckily, she didn't hear us giggling about how "it's all fun and games until somebody's bleeding out on the bathroom floor."

Yep, your RetroMama's a sick, sick girl. And she loves that she has an amazing CF with whom to share that laughter.

Totally worth the all-day drive to get there.

Even if she's got to pull up the damn BGPs again.

Which she's doing now. As she signs off to go get ready for her date with destiny... Or, rather, (hopefully!!! fingers crossed!) with "other guy".

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Because, apparently, I have some 'splainin' to do.

I wasn't trying to be a bitch. Honestly.

I'll explain about today, but first I want to make an observation.

Last year. November. Twilight. I went with TF. I had read the first two books at that point and then saw the first movie with TF. I was in the beginning stages of my breakup with HRT. And I was in agony over it.

Last night. November. New Moon. I went with TF. I've read all four books twice (but not recently) and then saw the second movie with TF. I am in the beginning (middle? end? LOL) stages of my breakup with Leon. And I'm in agony over it.

One major difference: I am not broken.

The situation with HRT is so much clearer now... I was such a mess that I was absolutely devastated by that breakup. Hell, I was such a mess that I got involved with that guy in the first place. He said he loved me early on and I totally fell for it. And it hurt so much to lose that. Of course, now I realize it wasn't love. On either of our parts. But it sure felt like it at the time.

And a year later... In the throes of this breakup... With a man I realize I love more and differently than any man I ever have before... And yet... I'm not broken like I was before. I hurt, sure. I cry, sure. (Today's the first day I haven't cried in a week. Mad skillz?) But I know that I am loved. By my friends. By my family. I know that I am worthy. Which, for some reason, a year ago, I doubted. And I do know that Leon loves me. And I'm pretty sure that his intentions for not being with me, while hurtful, are far more noble than HRT's reasons for not being with me.

And then there was today.

I've been somewhat ambivalent about this guy. We'd gone out three times already and decided to get together this afternoon to watch football. I was super-excited about this game and would have gone to watch by myself. Which would have made today turn out far differently, I'm sure.

The last time we had gone out was the day that I had called Leon to ask him to meet me the following week. Because I would be telling him I love him and shit. So, when I didn't particularly enjoy that date, someone told me I had been picking apart this guy because Leon had been on my mind. I wasn't certain that was the truth. But because Leon was an issue that day, I decided to give this guy another chance. Because maybe it was me that made him babble away about movies I'd never seen. And sports teams I don't follow. While I had thought the third date would get to a bit more of the nitty gritty, we didn't do that. And I called him out on it to an extent, but I was told not to give up on him because it could well be my own fault.

So, I met up with the guy for football today. We went to a favorite restaurant of mine and he asked me about New Moon last night. And I started to tell him my thoughts about the movie. And he interrupted me to tell me all about the reviews he'd read. But he hadn't seen the movie and he hasn't read any of the books. And I found that annoying. This morning, TF asked me if he reads. And I said he does, but not the kinds of stuff I read. This gave me pause. I left my husband because he doesn't read. I can't get involved with another guy who doesn't read. I just can't.

And then he was telling me about his evening on Friday night... And while he didn't come out and say it, I was 99% certain he'd been out on a date. Which doesn't bother me. I'm dating other people. But I think he should have come out and said it.

At halftime, the couple sitting near us left the bar and I asked if we could scoot over. That would leave me much closer to the television that was showing my game. So, we moved. And when I went to put my stuff down, this guy puts his hand on the barstool and says "This seat is taken." I stared at him because I was pretty sure he was full of shit, but his delivery was impeccable. We laughed and then sat down.

And this guy was talking to me way more than my date was. I had eaten a late breakfast with TF and her brother so I wasn't starving, but I shared an appetizer platter with my date. And then he got a meal. And then we shared dessert in the final quarter. We each got a drink (mine was cheaper since it was on draft. He drinks margaritas. Only.) and a soda.

So, "other guy" is asking me questions, getting to know me. Trying to draw my date into the conversation, but he wasn't having any of it. I was talking to "other guy", his friend, and the guy on the other side of them who was cheering for my team as well. "Other guy" graduated from my university. "Other guy" has a mom who is a teacher (and taught all over the continent!) and a dad who's a doctor. "Other guy" was quite clever and entertaining.

I kept reaching over to my date, placing my hand on his leg or rubbing his shoulder and he just wasn't responding. (Don't say it's because of "other guy". He'd been that way since I'd walked in.)

That was when I started wondering if it would be bad form for me to try to connect with "other guy". Exchange numbers or something. Not in front of my date, of course, but still. Something. Because I'm pretty sure my date isn't "the one". And I'm pretty sure he knows that too.

So, then I was really trying to ignore "other guy" because someone told me not to search for madness, heartbreak, and despair.

And then the bill came. And I offered to split it, fully expecting my date to insist upon paying more since he ate way more than I did. But, no. He let me split it. Which wasn't a big deal, but kind of the nail in the coffin for me. (He paid on our first date, and we've gone dutch, mostly, since. Or he's used gift cards to pay for most of whatever we did.)

Pretty sure "other guy" saw what happened. And he kind of made a face towards my date. Who didn't even notice because he was too enamored with the games.

As we got ready to go, my date went to wait for me outside as I went to the bathroom one last time. And "other guy" was totally going to the bathroom, too. He said, "I'm not following you," and I said, "Bummer."

I pee really fast, so I kind of dawdled, hoping I would run into him when I left. With my date outside, I could have been totally discreet.

But when I came out, I couldn't see "other guy". I walked slowly toward the exit and turned around at the last moment, and that's when I saw "other guy" walking out of the restroom. Crap. I didn't know where my date was, and I didn't know if he would have seen me already, so I couldn't exactly go back inside.

So, I met up with my date, and that's when "other guy" and his buddy walked out and passed us. We totally made eye contact, but there was nothing I could do. I walked with my date to his car so he could get a sweatshirt, and then he walked me to mine. He hugged me and kind of kissed me, told me he would totally distract me but that I needed to go home and write (not this blog. My novel. LOL). I'm just kind of thinking he's all talk and stuff, though. And I'm kind of over it.

And maybe it was bad form to start talking to another guy while I was on this date, but a connection is a connection. And I really enjoyed talking to that guy. Far more than I've enjoyed talking to this one. On any of our four dates.


Back to the drawing board, I guess. Well, I do still have a couple of other irons in the fire. Moving on...

Friday, November 20, 2009

Out of that little pond...

I came across a photo on my computer tonight... It's a group shot of a bunch of high school pals... And I studied it for a moment before I did some counting...

There are ten people in the picture.

I have kissed five of them. (And only three were boys. LOL)

And I'm in it, too. Which leaves only four in the photo whose tongues haven't been in my mouth.

I guess I really made my way around that crowd. Shit.

SoulMate was right to give me grief about my "little pond".

Well, I'm jumping into the ocean now. I haven't kissed a boy from high school in more than a month.

And while I am enjoying kissing other boys (men!), I am realizing that my town isn't such a big pond, either. Haha.

Things are about to get interesting....

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ooh, bop, bop bop!

Yet another colleague stopped me and said, "You are always just so happy!"

Someone who knows what's been going on came in and hugged me right away and then stepped back, surprised. "Wow, you seem like you're in a good mood."

I don't know what it is, but I continue to smile. I continue to live. There's an ache in my chest, but it's not that bad. Denial, perhaps? Or perhaps it's just that I have this certainty that all will be well in my world. I am clinging to those harsh words spoken two days ago. I am clinging to the reminder that Leon isn't brave enough to try. That the woman who did something horrific to him is someone with whom he had a conversation a week ago. That he said, "I can't deal with this right now." This, meaning... Well, me, I guess. Because his life is, supposedly, so overwhelming that having a kickass chick tell him she loves him is too much to handle.

Everybody tells me he'll regret this. That he'll come crawling back at some point.

But I don't actually want that for him. I love the man. Flaws and all. I don't want to be with him. But I do love him. With something in me that hasn't ever been touched before. But when you love someone, you don't want them to hurt. You want them to be happy and to know beauty and Light. I hate this certainty that he's going to die alone. I don't want that for him. I want him to know Love. I don't want him to look back and regret that he lost me. I really don't.

I am grateful that he knows I love him. I am grateful that he knows I am a good person and that this love is pretty pure. I am grateful that he loves me enough to let me see how fucking flawed he is and how I am better off without him. I am grateful to know that I now know that I have given it my all. I tried. I will live knowing that I truly tried.

And then today... When I bravely went off by myself for my follow-up for my little skin cancer... After a wonderful half-hour with two of my former students. High school freshmen, now, they've grown and matured. These young men took time out of their lives to come hang out. And it was cool to measure the teacher I am now against the one they had... Because it was another reminder of how far I've come.

Just before I got to the doctor's office, I posted an update. And got responses right away. One of which was sending Light and Love, but gleeful about how her boyfriend was visiting from far away. And how was that for Clarity? And clarity hit. Hard. She's got a man who loves her and is willing to travel many miles and many hours to be with her. And the man who loves me ran screaming in the opposite direction just two days ago. My cry-free streak was broken in that moment.


But then I found out I'm still cancer-free. Which totally rocks.

And I started to drive home... And this song came on the radio... "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton.

And there's this whole part about "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."

And it hit me.

Um, no. It doesn't go that way. Because I absolutely do know what I've got. Long before it's gone.

I don't live with regret. Even little shit I think I regret, I take action to rectify it. Like I regretted that I allowed someone to stop me from shaving my head for my mother. So now I'm embarking on this huge thing that will not only result in a Bald Retromama, but it will raise awareness and funds to cure cancer. And I'll get to look around my world and see all kinds of baldies.

But I really am not the kind of person who doesn't know what she's got. Maybe that's why I have had so much trouble letting go. Because I know more than anyone what I've got. And I've been afraid to lose it.

So, right now, I will hold onto this gift of anger and disgust. Because I had this Love. And someone broke it. But I will never have to look back and wonder "what if?" I chose to love him... And he chose to be fearful and embarrassed and cowardly. Sure, he loved me. But his love wasn't the kind of love to move mountains.

But mine is.

And one day I'll move another mountain. And one day it will be reciprocated. And I will be happy in love with someone else. But in the meantime, I will keep crying. Grieving in Real Time. And dwelling in the possibility of the next thing...

Which will be something that I will grasp with all of me... And I will know exactly how precious it is... While it is right there in front of me... Not while it's walking away.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

All in good time...

Timing is everything.

I am a hopeful girl. I live in Reality but dwell in Possibility.

One of those stupid notecards had a sentence on it: Tell the truth.

And when I saw that sentence, I knew what I needed to say. But I didn't say it.

Later I would question why I didn't tell him that one thing. Because that one thing would remove that one obstacle he kept insisting was there. Was I sabotaging us? Was I not telling him that one thing because if I removed that obstacle then I'd actually have to try to be with him? Or was it that he truly didn't need to know? What was my motivation for that?

I got myself pretty worked up on Tuesday about that one thing. I had this sick feeling in my stomach about it. I just knew that I should have told him. But could I fix it? And would it make any difference?

So, I called Leon. And he took my call, which I find surprising still.

I told him I would tell him the truth, but could he tell me first if my impression of our situation was correct? Because I had gotten the impression that he's done. That he's not even willing to entertain the idea of a possible future down the line. "Yeah, I'm leaning that way."

So it shouldn't have mattered when I told him the truth. The thing I'd kept from him for two months.

I apologized for not having told him sooner, but that it should prove that his excuse was ridiculous (I don't think I used that word to him. But it's the word I hear in my head now. LOL).

He told me it was okay.

And then instantly came up with another excuse. This time about how we're incompatible. That his lifestyle wouldn't be okay for me. Um, WTF? "Yesterday I told you a bunch of reasons why I love you for who you are, and now you're deciding that we're incompatible?"

He went on to tell me that "I would have to make major changes to my lifestyle to be with you and I just don't see that happening anytime soon."

It got a little escalated. It ended with apologies from both of us and quickly getting off the phone. His last words were, "I'll talk to you later."

And I pretty much lost it when we got off the phone. AD got the initial breakdown.

Later CF called me... And I explained to her what had happened over the previous twenty-four hours. At one point she said, "You know, he'll figure it out. He'll miss you in a few years, when he grows up."

And I stopped her and said, "He's thirty-five years old. This is not a man who is going to grow." And I told her to hold on while I wrote that down. And now I have a piece of paper on my desk that reads, "This is not a man who is going to grow."

That will stay there until I don't need it anymore.

And then I went to Therapy. And glared at my Therapist. And used up half a box of kleenex.

And told him by the end of our session that "I'm grateful for this pain. Because if I hadn't gone through this, I never would have known that he loves me. And I heard him say it. More than once. And I'm glad I did this now instead of waiting until the new year. Because now I can start healing now..."

And that's precisely it. When I heard him come up with yet another excuse the moment I poked holes in the original one, I realized that this is a man who is so fearful of loving someone that he will sabotage it before it even starts. And this is a man who is still communicating with someone who has done nearly as horrific things to him as HRT did to me. And someone who will invite that drama into his world is not someone whom I should be around.

Sadly, I lost respect for him in those moments. And that's not something he's going to have the chance to get back.

But in the midst of all of this pain, there has been so much joy... A colleague went out of her way to comment about how happy I am all the time. And today I told her that it meant a lot that she had said that yesterday because I had actually just had my heart broken into a thousand pieces. And she hugged me. And that was so great.

And I'm planning my next races and found out that one of them involves an extra day in which I can finally get the tattoo (maybe two?!?!) that I've been dreaming about...

And Roger texted me the very next morning to say "good morning"...

And my students are amazing... One of them gave me an antenna ball with a football helmet from my favorite team. This is a kid I had thought didn't even like me. And he's giving me presents. And displaying integrity by pointing out that his last test was graded incorrectly and he actually had earned a lower grade than the one he'd been assigned.

Wow. Bet that kid's not gonna grow up and run away from the woman he loves. Maybe he'll even stop smoking for her... Or at least give her the chance to decide if she wants to take on helping him with that.

Oops. Projecting again. Sorry. Haha.

But after last weekend and these last few days, I'm realizing that, once again, everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I am grateful for not having delayed this heartache. I'm supposed to be experiencing it right now...

Hmmm... Maybe one of my characters is going to go through a horrific breakup.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Yin and Yang and Shit.

Well, that was an entertaining weekend.

I got to hang out in my hometown, celebrating Thanksgiving early with my family. A good friend joined us and it was all good.

Of course, I had to stop in my gramma's town first. And we went to Target. Where I ran into an old friend. A FB friend. But one I hadn't seen in years. We made plans to hang out the following day, which was exciting.

And then as I was about to check out, I get a text from a good friend halfway across the country. Fucking StalkerChick is at it again. In a big way. Ugh. But I pretty much just laughed it off. I found it entertaining.

And then the big dinner and such... And an email from a new guy... Which was intriguing...

And then it was Sunday... And I'm texting the new guy (Shall we call him Roger?) all day long... And meeting up with old friends in a favorite hangout... Oh, and seeing my ex-fiance.

Wait. What? Yeah.

Good ol' SB.

Holy fuck.

I see a friend who actually just happened to be there, didn't intend to meet up with us. And I walked over to say hello to him and I see SB sitting about 8 feet away. I turn my back and ask, "Um, is that who I think it is?" Another friend approached, who confirmed that yes, it was SB. "Oh, do you know him?"

Ha. "Um, I was engaged to him!" (Ish. But that's not the issue. There was a ring. He put it on my finger when I moved away to keep me. Ugh. Anyway.)

So, the first friend made the executive decision that we would sit where I wouldn't have to look at SB.

And an hour later when I decided to just go say hi to him, my friends stopped me.

Everything happens for a reason. And enough things fell into place afterward that make that so clear to me. I wasn't meant to talk to him that day, for sure.

But it was funny. Because only in my sitcom life would something like that happen. I spent 12 years worrying about running into him. And only in the last three did I stop looking over my shoulder for him. And that's when I saw him. I was glad I looked adorable.

And then today.

The day I'd been waiting for since Thursday.

When my therapist had told me I needed to have a sitdown with Leon. Face-to-face. (Shut up, D. My blog. My story. And it was therapist-assigned.)

Apparently, I was supposed to tell him I love him.


I had notecards. Because this time I wasn't going to remember something afterward and kick myself for not saying it. And I certainly didn't want to get off-track and start babbling. Like I had when I'd gotten his voicemail.

He called me back and left a message (I didn't answer because I was on a date. I know.), agreeing to see me today.

So, we spoke Friday and made the arrangements.

Which made me so damned grateful for a fun-filled, entertaining weekend. Because it kept my mind off of things. Well, except when I told my dad about it on Saturday night. I was worried that I sounded so stupid. "Yeah, so I love this guy who I totally shouldn't be with, but it's making me crazy that he doesn't know. So, I'm going to tell him. And it won't change anything except that he'll know."

So, imagine my surprise when he told me he'd already known. Oh, and that he loves me too. But that even when two people love each other that doesn't necessarily mean they should be together. (Um, I already knew THAT part. Eesh.) And he was surprised I didn't know he loves me. Hadn't he told me before? (Um, no. He'd used the word but not in the middle of "I" and "you". The thing that sucks the most is that the reason he's giving me for not being with me is something so fucking ridiculous it makes me sick. So, here he is telling me that he loves me and so he can't be anything but my friend or all in. He respects me too much to date me casually. Which is fine. But I actually lost quite a bit of respect for him today. Because as much as he says he's growing up, I think it's really fucking immature to hold something against someone that happened long before we loved each other. Get the fuck over it.

So, when we hugged quickly and started to say goodbye, I was pretty certain it was over. Done. That's it. I'd told him that I expected nothing. I ask for nothing. Just that he knows. And he does know. I told him I would get over it. That I love him but that those feelings will go away. That I will love and I will be loved. By someone who wants to be with me. And I thought that was it.

So, I didn't quite understand what he meant when he said he was leaving with lots of thinking to do. Um, what's there to think about? You've already decided.

Whatever. I'm going back to my "let's not talk til after the new year, okay?" thing. Starting the moment that door closed behind him.

That's when I sat down and cried for about five minutes. Hard. And let my friends know that I was ready to go out and watch some MNF.

And Roger and I were texting back and forth and I told him where I was and did he want to join us?

And he did.

And it turns out, he's adorable. And a gentleman. And a really good guy. And one who's genuinely interested in me. And when I told him about how I want to shave my head, he asked me about the background story, and when I told him why I didn't do it back when I'd wanted to, he said, "But I think that would have been really cool!"

Later, IP gushed about him. I don't think IP has ever liked any guy for me. Even my husband. So it's kind of a big deal that she likes this one.

And yet it's a bigger deal that *I* like this one.

Damn, it's been a roller-coaster day.


Friday, November 13, 2009

What did I do to deserve this?

This being the blessedness that is my world.

Beautiful things are happening... I'm in the middle of writing my second novel. And my kids are totally helping me with it. It's amazing. I love everything about my job. Including chaperoning the dance this afternoon. Good times.

In the last two days, I've bitten bullets. And it's all turning out favorably. Why aren't these people saying no to me?

I went to my principal for one thing and ended up taking on another.

That bridge I burned in July? The one I described as burned to the point where no phoenix could ever rise from those ashes?

Yeah, that bridge.

Well, I needed a favor. And that burned bridge spanned a space between me and the person I really hoped would step up. I felt slightly guilty about asking for this favor when I'm not willing to offer my friendship or anything like that. The Ex told me I'm just using him, and that it's not okay.

I shrugged and said, "The worst he can do is say no."

So, I sent the email. And I was very clear about my reasons for contacting him at this point and that I would completely understand if he didn't want to help.

And the next day, he responded. Not only did he respond, but he promised to help me.

Why? Perhaps it's because it is a mutually beneficial arrangement. He does stand to gain something from this. Or maybe it's because he hopes we can be friends again. Whatever his motivation is, the fact of the matter is that he's decided to help me. And while I probably don't deserve it, I really do appreciate that he is willing to do so.

And then... The TheRaPy.


TheRaPist called me out on something that left me distinctly uncomfortable. Because my instincts have been screaming at me, and my stubbornness has put in the earplugs. I've been off-balance. And he told me that a conversation must be had... "um, can I send an email?" No. "How about a phone conversation?" Yeah, no.

A face-to-face.

With someone whom I wasn't planning to see for quite awhile longer.

And so I made the phone call to set up a face-to-face. And left a stupid, babbling voicemail.

But, apparently, that was well-received as well.

Because I'm getting that face-to-face.

And soon.


I think I accidentally washed my notecards. Yes, I'm going into this with notecards. Because I don't want to be kicking myself for days afterwards, remembering all the things I'd meant to say and didn't. Nope, I'm going to be prepared.

And for the first time in weeks, I feel like I've got my zen back. Because no matter how this turns out, I'll know that I said everything I needed to say. And even if I end up brokenhearted, that will be okay. Because I'll know that I tried. With all of me.

That said, I've been dating. A really nice guy. Three dates in eight days. He really likes me. And that feels good. I'm approaching this very cautiously.

But when I gave Fred his birthday brownies today, he said the nicest things to me. That I am a beautiful woman. That any man would be lucky to be with me. That I am kind and sweet and thoughtful.

So, maybe I do deserve for these two people to decide to be good to me. And maybe I should stop second-guessing it and just breathe. Take it for what it is. I know I'll pay it forward somehow.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Thirty-Second Theater.

The setting:

A small Italian restaurant near our home. Dimmed lights, cloth napkins, candles on the table.

The characters:

The Ex, the Kidlet, and the beautiful and amazing Mom (my blog. Shut up.)

Kidlet: Mom? Are we in a 5-star restaurant?

Mom: No, why?

Kidlet leans over his bread plate and spits out a bad bite.

The Ex and Mom look at each other as the lightbulbs glow over their heads in comprehension.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday's Perspective.

It made sense today.

Leon and I get along too well. We never actually had a bad date. It always ended on a high note. It was when we weren't together that he'd get inside his own head and freak out about it.

Fuck that.

I'm putting other irons in the fire...

And, I solemnly swear I am up to no good at this moment.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

I've nearly made it through today...

It was a spectacularly shitty week. Well, most of it, anyway.

After I posted the last entry, I spent the rest of the day in some pretty serious self-talk. That I deserve better than Leon. I deserve a guy who can acknowledge that I kick ass and can appreciate it, instead of letting it frighten him off. I deserve a man who will make the effort with me. I am worth the effort.

I knew I'd be seeing Leon that night and I was ready for it. I knew that we had another date lined up for a couple of days later, and after that I could be done for awhile... But I would follow through with what I'd already committed.

So, I did. And seeing him on Saturday night was liberating... Realizing that I didn't want anything more with him. I had it under control. And that was the night, of course, that he showed me I matter to him. He hugged me in front of a crowd. He was solicitous and attentive toward me. He introduced me to his friends... And when he walked me to my car, we just talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. And he grabbed me and hugged me hard and kissed me... Not once, but twice.

And I left smiling. Knowing that he is not unaffected by me. I felt like I finally had the upper hand, and while I don't like playing games, this felt good.

I spent the next day working on my profile for an online dating site.

Because I meant it when I said I was going to be done with Leon.

And a few days later, we went on the date we'd been planning for more than a month. And it was AMAZING. Of course, he broke up with me during the long car ride to our destination. Telling me he's not ready for a relationship, etc... I asked him why he was telling me this. Did he think I was pushing for one? Because I was working on this online dating thing... I wanted to be clear with him that I'm not the one putting pressure on him. I told him that one day he'd realize I kick ass and that I knew that I deserve more than he'd been willing to give...

Then my son called. And I spoke to him and then asked to speak to his dad. Because The Ex was seeing a surgeon that night to schedule a surgery. And I was kind to him. And when we hung up, Leon said, "I hope you and your husband can work things out..."

Um, WTF?!?!? Yeah, I guess it would be easier for him if I got back with my Ex because then he'd never have to actually take a risk with me. What the Fuck Ever.

So then we got to our destination... And he introduced me to his friend's parents... And then we connected with NOF and her family... She whispered, "How are things going?" And I laughed and said, "Oh, we broke up again on the way down here!" She said, "Wow, that's awkward..." And I laughed again and said, "No, it's actually not..." Because it wasn't... I was still totally comfortable with him... And then I didn't feel bad about eyeing anybody else.

And then we proceeded to have an amazing evening... He was totally taking care of me... Making sure I was liquored up appropriately... Keeping his arm around me... Paying for everything... Asking me if I needed anything every time he left me... Putting his hand on my leg...

Later, we went to a bar where his friends were hanging out... He warned me he would bum a cigarette from someone... "Knock yourself out. We're not going to be kissing tonight..." He introduced me to his friends... One of his friends kept telling us to stay over, but Leon was very good about making sure I would be back at work on time the next morning...

We did end up staying at his friend's house... And he held me on the couch and we slept all tangled up with each other... His hand down the back of my pants, and my hand up under his shirt on his chest... And we just fit.... I was drunk enough that if he hadn't passed out when he did, things may have progressed... But everything works out the way it's supposed to... And sleeping in each other's arms was all that was meant to happen that night...

Our alarms went off at 4:00 and we stumbled outside into the darkness... He held my hand and told me that I was a good influence... That he hadn't ended up smoking the night before... He kept his hand on my leg the entire drive home... Even while I slept... And when we got to my apartment, he walked me in, told me he'd had a great night, hugged me, kissed me and said, "Much Love..."

And then he was gone.

And I was okay with that. Because I'd already decided days earlier that we would be done after that night.

And then my week got shot to hell. The Ex scheduled his surgery during a time that was extremely hectic for me. There was crying. I was trying so hard not to add any stress to him that I took it all upon myself, and it was very stressful, very painful.

And then he went in for his surgery... And I waited, anxiously, for the phone call that he was okay.

And that phone call came. He was fine. I brought the kidlet to visit him that night... And yes, there was a part of me that thought for about five seconds that maybe he would have the revelation that sometimes comes after a life-threatening experience. Oh, and he was sweet and thankful... For keeping him on my health insurance.

It was all I could do to keep the kidlet from hearing me cry on the way home... Silent tears ran down my cheeks... Here was the man I'd promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life, lying in a hospital bed... And even though he knows I'm damn good at the hospital thing, he didn't want me.... So, then I started crying about Leon... Why the fuck didn't he want me, either?

It was a bad night. D and E saw me crying via Skype, and they were completely done with Leon. D said it wasn't fair of Leon to break up with me and then proceed to have a 12-hour relationship with me. Sadly, I felt somewhat validated when he said that. Because I'd felt like Leon was being so great to me that night, and it had been pretty confusing that his actions were pretty different from what his words had been...

I spent the next morning at the hospital with The Ex... And, apparently, I got to be witness to his worst two hours of the entire experience. He was in agony. He was getting up for the first time. He'd been scared to cough because it would hurt, but he needed to get the crap out of his lungs. So, I did what I do. I was the advocate. Asking questions, getting his needs met. I was a force to be reckoned with. And I helped to get him out of bed. And helped get him ready for his first foray out of his room. And then he wanted to pee... It is strangely intimate to hold up a man to whom you were married for many years as he places all of his weight on you and you watch to see if he can pee. Out of a penis you haven't seen in many, many months...

And I hated to leave him when I did... It had taken a lot out of him... But I had to get to work... And this time he was much more grateful. And he'd introduced me as his wife to two different people... Which, technically, I am... And then I left... And I pulled up the BGPs and called his mother... And his sister... And I made it okay to talk to them. Because that's how I roll.

And then I got through my day... Spent my lunch hour with a couple of colleagues with whom I'd never really socialized... And told them the short version of my "date" with Leon a few days earlier... And said, "Yeah, I need a boyfriend right now like I need a hole in the head..."

Later that evening, I would get a text from Leon... The guy who doesn't text... "Hope all is well." Um, well, it's not. So, how do I respond to that?

I don't.

Until the next morning. When I wake up and realize that it's a very, very significant day. In a bad way. This year was the first year I hadn't dreaded it for weeks, though. And I was strangely calm about it... Although, the kidlet didn't oblige and had a minor meltdown that morning. After drying our tears (yes, OUR tears. LOL), we walked out the front door... And there was a beautiful butterfly... And all was well again...

But as I pondered, I realized that it wasn't fair for Leon to randomly text me at this point. That I truly need some space this time... It's not fair for him to act like he likes me and then break up with me every chance he gets. I know he likes me. But he has fears... And I fear... I have fears... And you know what I do with those fears??? I give them the proverbial finger and crush them...

Oh, I'm scared of heights.... When I was running 50 miles, I had to run across bridges that spanned a river... And many of the bridges had no hand-rails... And there was a portion of that course that had a frickin' CLIFF on one side of the narrow trail... And even though I had to talk to myself, "You are sure-footed... You know exactly where to place your foot for maximum hold and maximum safety" I did it. Because I refuse to let fear rule...

Even when it comes to love... Because while I may end up crying and hurting later, I know I'll get through the pain, eventually... And the joy could very well end up outweighing the pain. To me, it's worth the risk.

But I can't respect someone who's paralyzed with fear... Especially when he pushes away this awesome chick who doesn't want anything more than being able to enjoy their time together. I'm not even CLOSE to being "all in", so I can't imagine why he keeps saying he's not ready for that. Because if he said he wanted to be "all in", I'd probably be the one running right now!

But I wouldn't have minded being able to go out and have a good time together. Because that's what we always did. Always. Never did we have a bad date. Not once. It was only comfortable and fun.

But anyway.

On that day... When I found out The Ex was coming home... (I wasn't thrilled that they were pulling out a chest tube and then sending him home a few hours later)

With plans changing, once again, I wouldn't be getting my gooey chocolate cake that day.

And, suddenly, I was just sick of it.

I called Leon. He asked how my week had been. And I told him it had been spectacularly shitty. And that part of that was because of him. And that I needed to not hear from him for awhile. That I understand he's just trying to "be a good friend", but that it's a little too confusing for me right now and can we just back off?

He apologized for everything (but tried to tell me he "wasn't being a boyfriend" that night. Uggh. Whatever. Okay, so you treat all your friends that way? Saying "sweetie, honey, baby"? Keeping an arm around them or a hand on them all night? Snuggling on the couch? Paying for everything? Huh. Because we've been friends for many years, and you'd never been like that before with me. Whatever.)... But I'm glad for some breathing room.

Although it really fucking hurts.

And I've been in a funk for days, just trying to process... The Ex is well enough to have the kidlet with him, and I have had a rough few days... Lots and lots and lots of crying.

And then my cousin called me and she asked if we could get together today... All I had to do was make it until she got here...

And I had a great time with her... We laughed... I cried...

And at one point, she asked me... "What do you love about Leon?"

And at first I said, "I feel safe with him..."

She said, "That's about you... What do you love about him?"

And it took me a moment. And I hoped I would realize that it wasn't him. That I don't have any reason to feel this way.

But then I started listing things...

I love how passionate he is about what he does... I love how he lives within his means... I love that he eats things I don't and is willing to share those things with me... I love that he cooks... I love that he has a sense of humor... I love that he talks about tough things that most guys shy away from... I love that he takes things in stride... That when some drunk assholes threw something at his car the other night, he just waved them on ahead and didn't even consider starting anything with them... I love the way his body feels when it's tangled up with mine... I love the way he smells... I love the way he says my name when he's speaking to me... I love that he is polite and respectful... I love that when he's going to be five minutes late, he calls... I love that he is a man of his word... When we do make a date, he always follows through... I love that when I ask him questions, he answers me... Even when it's hard... I love that he doesn't read my blog.

Oh, don't worry... There are loads of things I DON'T love about Leon.

Like how fearful he is of love.

At least I know where I stand with myself...

And I know him well enough to know that he is going to respect this "breathing room" as he called it.

Which gives me some time... Several weeks to grieve... Several weeks for me to explore other options.... And maybe he'll miss me while I'm gone from his world... Or maybe he won't... And maybe I'll come to a place where I won't miss him, either...


I haven't cried since I started typing... That's refreshing.

I know this post will piss some of you off. And you'll just have to deal with it. This is what it is and I'm dealing with it. In as kick-ass a way as I can.

Now to get back to the chores that have been piling up because, apparently, laundry and dishes don't take a vacation even when your world comes crashing down.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

You've come a long way, baby...

It was nearly noon when I realized what today was.

One year ago, today, I ran through an airport to throw my arms around HRT for the first time in three months. There were photos taken of us that day... We couldn't stop staring at each other... Touching each other... We would make that particular city ours... I would take it back as my own when I went back there several months later. Because what I didn't know was just how awful he was that weekend... In the weeks following what seemed like such a magical time, he would reveal himself to be the thief, cheat, and liar that he truly was. It took me many months to heal from all that he brought to my world. And after that weekend, I would never see him again.

But on this day... When I realized that today marked one year since that day... It hit me once again just how different my world is... How blessed I am that he is not in it.

One week ago today, I was in the middle of my first 50-mile trail run. And I was kicking ass.

And here I am, a week after accomplishing the hardest thing I've ever done (except for birthing my son. No, actually, probably including that. LOL!), and I'm feeling good.

Physically, I feel fairly recovered from that brutal trek through the wilderness. Okay, I've still got some numbness in one toe (which is quickly turning into fairly excruciating pain. LOL) and I'm going to lose a toenail. (I got a pedicure this afternoon. That poor little pinky toe is BLACK.)

Emotionally, I'm still not quite ready to blog about that experience.

And in the five days since I've been home, I've been through the emotional wringer. Leon's back in the picture (shut up, you guys!), and that's got all kinds of confusion written all over it. The Ex is dealing with some fairly major health issues right now. And, of course, I'm stepping up, just like I always do. Which makes him all kinds of grateful and shit. Which, again, throws all kinds of confusion all over everything. And throws all of my plans over the next several weeks into limbo, what with him not knowing when he's being admitted to the hospital and such.


But when I realized what today is, it just reminded me how much ass I've kicked in the last year.

And I got a text this morning that called me a "marathoner... Not just of miles but of life too. Hills and valleys, ups and downs, laughter and tears, joy and pain. But always victorious."

So, on this day, I am once again reminded to be grateful for the worst person to ever enter my world. Because maybe if he hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. Or maybe I'd be where I am today, but open to someone even worse who could hurt me worse than even he could.

So, here I am... A bit more cautious in my dealings with men... Not quite as trusting with my heart...

But with less than 6 days until what used to be the worst day of my year, I know that I will make it.

Because I am surrounded by so much Light and so much Love... I have managed to prove myself as a Friend to those who are worthy (and probably still some who will prove otherwise. LOL)... And I have welcomed the Friendship of so many who continue to bless my world...

So even thought those first months were agonizing, I am so grateful that I moved through it in Real Time instead of pushing it aside. Because now I can stand proud and grateful for who I've become and who I am becoming.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Kicking this much ass can intimidate others.

I kick a lot of ass. It's just how it is. I can't help it.

And I can't help coming home from this huge accomplishment, the biggest of my life so far (other than my son, of course!), and feeling a major letdown.

I planned to not be alone last night and this morning. And he chickened out.

Luckily, one of the few who could possibly understand what I was feeling made himself available for my sobbing phone call. And I felt a little better when we were done.

But I didn't sleep in as I'd planned. And now this morning, I'm trying to just focus on all that is good and wonderful and amazing.

I probably should have gone to work.

Oh, well. I shall occupy myself until I can go pick up my boy and then all will be beautiful again.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I knew this day would come...

...but I didn't expect it to be this year.

I've known for awhile that I am a better mom without being the Wife to the Ex. The Ex stresses me out. I'm not quite as patient with the kidlet when the Ex is not being patient with him.

Tonight was the kidlet's gymnastics night. Which also ends up being the "hang out with The Ex" night. After gymnastics we all go out to dinner. It's the routine we've had for two years and we still do it, even though we're separated and such.

And even though I'm going through the whole "Why are all of my girlfriends getting back together with their husbands or boyfriends who decided to do the work to fight for their women, but my Ex won't do that?" thing, I'm still trying really hard to just focus on all that is wonderful in my world.

Like my little boy. Like my job. Like my friends. Like the guy who decided I was worth pursuing last night and is still pursuing me today.

Not like Leon. Don't get me started. (Apparently, D and E have decided that I am heading for nothing but madness, heartbreak, and despair if I let that guy in any further.)

And this open and honest relationship I have with my boy is amazing. And I don't shy away from the hard stuff. And while the Ex has stepped up a bit when it comes to answering the kidlet's questions about our family and such, I've said for a long time that the day would come when the kidlet stopped talking to him about anything of substance, but he would always know that he can come to me.

But tonight... After gymnastics... The kidlet pretty much always drives to dinner with his dad. And that's fine with me. We always roll our windows down and wave to each other on the way.

But tonight was different. He'd decided to ride with his dad since he'd be staying with me tonight. And as I put my key in my car door, I thought to myself, "Wow. I kind of snapped at the kidlet because I could tell his dad was getting impatient. I don't like that about our interaction this evening."

A moment later, I heard the kidlet say "Mom, I changed my mind. I'm going with you!"

We got into the car and I said, "What made you change your mind, baby?"

He answered, "Well, I love you and Dad the same, but sometimes you're nicer."

I'd expected my heart to soar at that one.

But it didn't. I hate that my intuitive little man has already figured it out. (And no, I don't think I'm nicer. I think I'm more patient. But in his 7-year-old vocabulary, that's what he came up with.)

I reminded him that Daddy loves him very much, and he said he knew that. And that he didn't want to hurt his dad's feelings by telling him what he'd told me. And this is one time that I will NOT tell his dad what was said in his absence.

So, that was tonight's heartbreak.

I wish I could change that. But I gotta stop wearing my wishbone where my backbone oughtta be... In more than just this one way.

But I will always be there for my son. I think it would just be such a shame if his dad doesn't figure out how to do so as well before it's too late.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

RetroMama Kicks Ass.

I am feeling particularly kickass today. Well, not at this moment. But I did earlier this afternoon.

And yesterday.

A year ago, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. And I was in a bad place. I was in a place where I was about to get dumped by a guy who turned out not to be worth it anyway. My friends confiscated my technology, and got me kleenex when I burst into tears over the butterfly. I was fragile. Raw. And it would get a lot worse before it got better.

But yesterday, I took the kidlet to cb's birthday party. It was in a different venue. And it never even occurred to me until we were driving down there to wonder if I'd get to see some of the same people as last year.

The guest list was slightly different. Mostly cb's friends from school and extra-curricular activities. The family friends I'd hoped to see weren't there. I hung out with TF's folks and such. And as I sat there with TF's mom and cb's agent, I noticed CB's hot Cuban friend talking to him. Lovely. He doesn't have a kid. Why is he here? I haven't talked to him since two days after that amazingly hot kiss we shared several weeks ago... Which was after a wonderful couple of hours of him sobering up over coffee... Sharing confidences. But it wasn't the start of anything. It was just a moment. When I kissed him BACK. Contrary to what he continues to insist. Ugh.

A few minutes later, he approached us, hugging TF's mom, hugging me, saying hello... I pointed out the kidlet and said, "That one's mine. He does exist!" (Hot Cuban Friend had never actually met the kidlet, apparently.) They said hello and he went off somewhere else, and I got back to my conversation...

Awhile later, I approached HCF and CB and CB opened with "Is this going to be awkward? Should I leave so you guys can kiss?"

I laughed and as HCF and I embraced, I said, "I only kiss.... BACK..." And we all laughed. Awkward moment averted. Ish. LOL.

After dropping off the kidlet at his dad's (where I regaled the Ex with stories about explaining to the kidlet (in answer to his questions) that when the sperm comes out of his penis, it probably feels even better than when he has an erection, to which he replied with reverence... "Whoa... Cool!"), I headed home for a snack before driving to the theater where my uncle was performing. I went by myself. Because I can do that. With no problem.

I got home late, did some grading and slept in this morning.

And woke up in a major snit. Perhaps it was because I'd left my window open and what woke me was my neighbors talking really loudly, but there were other things that were getting to me too. TF got me calmed down via text, and once I wrote out my List of Three, I felt a thousand times better.

And then my Pea called... And we actually got to have a conversation that was longer than 5 minutes. And I was back in the game.

I went and got my oil changed. And no man (meaning The Ex or my Dad) had told me it was time. I just did it. And then I tried to shop for jeans, which was a bust, but I did manage to get a couple of cute tops.

And then I went to a bar/restaurant. To watch football. By myself.

And I sat down at the bar and ordered a cider (got carded, too! Whee!!) and some food and watched the game. And had conversations with strangers. And did a couple of fist bumps with the guy sitting two stools away. And we yelled and cheered (and my team won... Phew!), and I had a really good time.

And I hadn't ever done that before. I'd talked to IP about that. She totally does that kind of stuff by herself. And I never have. But I totally did. And I had a great time. I even stayed after my game ended to watch the end of another game that the chick next to me was into. Because she was so cool. And we chatted a bit and I told her how proud of myself I was that I was there by myself and how grateful I was to sit next to such cool people. She looked at me in awe and said, "I don't think I could ever do that. Just go by myself. That's really brave." And it hit me... That I was really brave...

Who is this RetroMama? This chick who goes to plays by herself? Who gets her oil changed without being told? Who goes to bars to watch football loudly? Who holds her own and can answer questions about what's happening with her favorite team?

Whomever she is... I kinda dig her.

Monday, September 21, 2009

RetroMama takes a lover...

It was about time... It was the valet. And I'm assuming he's back at school now. So, I can take friends to that restaurant without worrying about running into him.

Yep, I pretty much got exactly what I wanted. (Although, really... The kid talked FAR more than I was in the mood for...) We were safe (my choice, not his, apparently.), and it was lovely, and then he was gone.

And then there's Leon... With whom I was suddenly communicating with far more regularly than when we were actually dating... And I didn't know how comfortable I was with that. I thought we'd agreed not to talk for a couple of weeks until we saw each other. And then I was suddenly privy to much of what he's processing... And I wasn't quite sure I appreciated that. I'm not his girlfriend. I don't need to know his every little thought process about what could be life-altering decisions. (TF told me, "That's not necessarily stuff you'd tell a girlfriend, but it's definitely stuff you'd tell a best friend..." Great. Now E's doing the happy little "haha, I'm right!" dance. I can see it now. argh.)

But then there's the grabbing of the bull by its horns... That person I mentioned previously? The one from his present and my past? Yeah. I pretty much handled it. And while CoffeeLady played Devil's Advocate and asked me if I could deal with the potential repercussions, I realized that it had to be done. And I feel good about it. Finally. For real. If Leon has a problem with it, he'll have to get over it. Because I can't let myself have loyalty at this point for something that doesn't even have a start date.

Because all this time, I've thought that we did... Have a start date, that is... At some distant point in the future... And I've been all patient and shit... Like it doesn't matter how long it takes for us to end up together because I'm so certain that we will. So, these months in the meantime don't really matter. I can keep living my life and enjoying my kid and my friends and the occasional younger man to fill a particular void, and I'm good. And eventually, we'll fall in love and live some semblance of a "happily ever after"...

And then I got my kid back after three days... And we had amazing and lovely days together... And as I looked at him across the breakfast table yesterday morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks... I really don't want a relationship with any man right now... I mean, like, really.

I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago (a man) who told me that he never understood how women could put their kids first and not date for 18 or so years... And then he got custody of his teenaged daughter. And found himself in a position of having to make that decision for himself. And he finally "got it". And stopped dating a woman he'd been pursuing for a year.

And I totally get it... I don't want to be in a relationship that might throw this amazing thing I've got with my kid off-kilter.

The thing is, I know that living a full and rich life benefits my son in countless ways... And I know that I am a far better mother to him because I am feeling fulfilled when he's not with me.

But a relationship? Where there could be expectations? Demands of my time?

That's really not for me right now. Now, I did have this conversation with Leon months ago... That when I have my kid, I'm with him and only him. But that I could see someone a few times a week when he's not with me and maybe once during the week that I do have him. And Leon made it sound like that would be totally reasonable and acceptable. That any man should be okay with that.

And maybe it's because I'm still in a place where Leon's the only one I'm considering for anything longer-term and his schedule is pretty opposite of mine right now that I'm coming to this conclusion.

That I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to be in any kind of relationship other than being a mom to my son and a friend to my friends. That's it.

Oh, but I'm totally open to keeping a boy or two on the side... Because there are still other needs that must be met.

That's the conclusion I've come to in these last couple of days.

Which could be exactly what I need. Or it could just be the PMS talking.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Elephant Pusher.

So, I faltered. I happened to be in Leon's town and contacted him. Adorably, of course.

He responded with his whereabouts for that evening. Events fell into place, and I found myself on my own at that time, so I decided to go ahead and go. Because I'm a kickass chick who doesn't need her girlfriends to hold her hand when she goes out to a bar.

So, I went.

And he was all glad to see me. Turns out he was actually part of the entertainment, which was an unexpected treat. I'd wanted to see him do his thing for awhile, so I was thrilled to get to watch the magic happen. He was sweet, checking on me after stopping to talk to friends and whatnot. We joked around and laughed and stuff... At one point he touched my shoulder and told me "I like having you around. I can't joke about dead parents with too many people."

Yep. You wanna joke about dead parents? I'm your gal. ::snort::

I was getting pretty tired (I had done a half-marathon that morning), and I decided I should pee before I left.

I came back from the bathroom and Leon was gone.

I listened to a couple of other comics before wondering where he'd gone.

And that's when I saw him. Sitting outside. With a group of his friends. With a cigarette in his mouth.

Shit. I thought he'd quit.


I wondered if I should wait for him to finish and come back inside and decided not to waste my time. I headed outside and kinda patted him on the shoulder, saying, "I'm gonna take off..."

He jumped right up, set the cigarette down and wrapped his arms around me... It felt so good to be in his arms again, and I breathed in his scent.... And was pretty grossed out. I was so bummed. He didn't smell like Leon. He smelled like smoke. Ugh. He was thanking me for coming out, and I said (matter-of-factly, not accusingly), "You're smoking." He said, "Yeah, I would kiss you right now, but I've been smoking, so my mouth is all smoky and dry..."

I was surprised that he said that. Since we'd broken things off, didn't that mean we weren't kissing anymore?

And I said, "You would?" And then he kinda backpedaled... But then kissed my forehead three different times.

I left and cried a little on the way home.

Smoking's a deal-breaker for me. So, no matter how great a guy he is, we're done.

I fully expected to hear from him that night or the next day, though. He usually does that. Especially since I figured he probably sat down with his friends and said, "Wow, I fucked that up, big-time."

But I didn't hear from him.

And I was sad. Because I'm such the optimist that telling myself there is absolutely no hope is really hard for me to grasp.

By Wednesday, I knew I needed to vent. I decided to draft an email. Just a draft. I had no intention of sending it. I just needed to get my feelings out where I could see them. So, I wrote it up, and waited about an hour... And then I decided I had nothing to lose, so I went ahead and sent it.

I was totally calm after that. I knew that even if I didn't hear from him again, that at least I said all the things I hadn't let myself say when we were seeing each other. Because I do have feelings for him. And about him. And for some reason, I hadn't told him that. So, there it was.

Of course, when the valet-guy and I spoke that evening and he said, "Is that the beautiful RetroMama?", I kind of regretted having sent it. Especially when he and I made plans to see each other soon. Haha.

But the next afternoon, I got a response. And it was AMAZING. I mean, amazing. I read it about three times before I could get on with my evening. And I don't even know how many times I've read it since then.

And while I realized that NOW I can let the dust settle, there were a few key points I did want to respond to.

So, the next day, I tried to write him back. And it was a crazy day and for some reason, the words didn't quite flow as easily. Maybe because it suddenly seemed like there was more at stake?

And I didn't really want to answer his questions if I didn't really know what exactly his questions were.

So, we ended up talking on the phone today. We'd made a phone date, and when he realized his plans had changed for the afternoon, he took the time to call me to ask me if we could reschedule. And when he was free earlier, he called me. I like how considerate he is.

So, we talked. And the elephant that had been in the room all this time was pushed out a bit. And we got off the phone on a high note, I think. He asked me to write him a note on Monday to tell him how tomorrow's long run goes. I appreciated that. And he's got a lot of stuff coming down in the next couple of weeks. We had agreed earlier to get through these next couple of weeks and then he asked if he could make me dinner.

I kind of want to get to that place. Besides, I don't want to feel like I can't see valet-guy before he goes back to college. ::giggle::

But now that I'm trying to focus on the positives of getting certain stuff out in the open, I'm finding myself second-guessing certain things that were said. By me. Eesh.

And I find myself feeling unsettled now. Like there's this other person that could potentially affect whether or not I end up trying again with this guy. And while I want to cross that bridge when I come to it, I also am tempted to take matters into my own hands. Because it should be between me and Leon. And if Leon decides to let someone from my past and his present be an issue for him then he can go smoke a cigarette and kiss my ass.

Yeah. That.

Oh, and on the work front? It pretty much rocks. I love my job. I did not, however, love that one of my student's dads was flirting with me. In front of her. And about 20 other families. Good times.

RetroMama is, apparently, just that hot. Oy.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Puma is a Cougar in Training.

I have girlfriends calling me a Cougar.

But I'm not over 40. So, I don't know if that counts. Apparently, a bunch of friends of mine got together awhile back and categorized people who date someone much younger than they... And a puma is a cougar-in-training. (A man who dates a much younger woman is just a "dirty old man". Again, this is according to others...)


Something's been in the air around me lately...

I've been asked out four times this week. And only one of those was a man older than I am.

I had a date with a boy 9 years my junior last night. But the day before that, I was asked out by someone three years younger than THAT!

I don't really understand what's happening here, but I'm enjoying it!

(I think the Universe has picked up on me using the word "boy" and is throwing them in my path! Or the Universe is throwing people in my path who are willing to have sex with me. Not that I've indulged, but it's nice to be asked??)

So, I'd been talking to this boy (Let's call him... Jason Mraz. ::snort::) for months. He worked at a store I frequented, and we always had a great time talking to each other. Flirting. Enjoying each other's energy.

Finally, I brought NOF with me and she pretty much pimped me out, and the next thing I know, he and I are friends on an online networking site, and texting fairly frequently, and talking on the phone. He came out with me and some friends a month or so ago (during the Leon-era), and we had a nice time. Apparently, he'd been reading my blog and knew all about Leon, but we pretty much established that there was an attraction there.


First day of school. I got a text from him, saying "happy first day", which was really touching (no, I hadn't heard from Leon. ::sigh:: LOL.) So, we kinda texted back and forth a bit, and then somehow, we ended up deciding to go to dinner last night.

I was pretty thrilled. (Because for weeks, I'd been joking with friends that I needed to hurry up and have sex with Jason Mraz before I ended up in a relationship. (Because it would be fun to say "I had sex with Jason Mraz!" Even if it's not THE Jason Mraz. Yes, I am a dork.)

So, I drove more than 45 minutes to meet him at this awesome restaurant, and we had an enjoyable time. The food was amazing... The company? Meh. Neither one of us was really feeling it. I was struck that he's really, really, really young. Or maybe he just didn't care enough to open doors or whatever, but I'm kinda spoiled.

I like it when a guy shows me that he's considering my feelings or whatever. I loved how Leon would wait for me to walk past him and place his hand on my back (or just watch me walk in front of him. Also flattering. ::giggle::) I loved how the first guy I went out with two months ago was so considerate of me, holding doors, holding my hand, walking me to my car, etc. I like that. I also felt like a guy who knew that there was non-valet parking on the street should have told me that before I arrived and parked with the valet. Argh.

Anyway, we had a wonderful meal (I'll totally go back to the restaurant!) and then the evening ended rather abruptly. I wasn't all that disappointed, but I was a bit surprised at how it went down.

I had a bit of a drive ahead of me, so I went back inside to use the restroom. It was barely past 8:00, and I considered sitting down in the bar and listening to the live music and hanging out with what seemed like a pretty chill crowd...

But common sense won out at that moment. I should probably head home and get some sleep. I still had two days left of my first workweek, and I didn't know how I'd feel by Friday.

So, I went to get my car from the valet... And when that amazingly handsome guy asked, "How was your dinner?", I responded, "Well, the food was great!"

And he picked up on something in my voice, and asked, "But not the company?" And as I pondered how to put it into words, he went and got my car, and asked me again how I'd felt about the date...

It was more than an hour and a half later that I finally drove away. This guy was amazing. Smart, educated (still in college. Leaving to go back in three weeks. Yep, even younger than my date last night!), gorgeous, interesting... We hit upon some pretty sensitive subjects even in the short time we spoke. I felt more of a connection with him than I had with the guy I'd been talking to for months! And he felt it too. Turns out, we actually live in the same town, and it wasn't long before he'd asked for my number. He called my cell "so that I won't show up as an unknown number", and I could have talked to him for hours... I loved looking at the moon with him... It was all hazy but bright... It was pretty awesome. Some mild flirting, but mostly just talking about whatever popped into our heads. No awkward silences. It was just comfortable. And he used words like "How do you keep your zen?" without me ever saying the word "zen". He just really got me.

I hated to leave, but I knew I would need some sleep. So, with assurances that we would connect soon, we said goodnight... And, yes, there was kissing. ::giggle::

So, no, I didn't have sex with Jason Mraz, who is 9 years younger than I... And I probably never will.

But the evening wasn't a total wash because I ended up with a beautiful boy's tongue in my mouth anyway. And even if I don't ever see him again, it will still be a night to remember.