RetroMama takes a lover...

It was about time... It was the valet. And I'm assuming he's back at school now. So, I can take friends to that restaurant without worrying about running into him.

Yep, I pretty much got exactly what I wanted. (Although, really... The kid talked FAR more than I was in the mood for...) We were safe (my choice, not his, apparently.), and it was lovely, and then he was gone.

And then there's Leon... With whom I was suddenly communicating with far more regularly than when we were actually dating... And I didn't know how comfortable I was with that. I thought we'd agreed not to talk for a couple of weeks until we saw each other. And then I was suddenly privy to much of what he's processing... And I wasn't quite sure I appreciated that. I'm not his girlfriend. I don't need to know his every little thought process about what could be life-altering decisions. (TF told me, "That's not necessarily stuff you'd tell a girlfriend, but it's definitely stuff you'd tell a best friend..." Great. Now E's doing the happy little "haha, I'm right!" dance. I can see it now. argh.)

But then there's the grabbing of the bull by its horns... That person I mentioned previously? The one from his present and my past? Yeah. I pretty much handled it. And while CoffeeLady played Devil's Advocate and asked me if I could deal with the potential repercussions, I realized that it had to be done. And I feel good about it. Finally. For real. If Leon has a problem with it, he'll have to get over it. Because I can't let myself have loyalty at this point for something that doesn't even have a start date.

Because all this time, I've thought that we did... Have a start date, that is... At some distant point in the future... And I've been all patient and shit... Like it doesn't matter how long it takes for us to end up together because I'm so certain that we will. So, these months in the meantime don't really matter. I can keep living my life and enjoying my kid and my friends and the occasional younger man to fill a particular void, and I'm good. And eventually, we'll fall in love and live some semblance of a "happily ever after"...

And then I got my kid back after three days... And we had amazing and lovely days together... And as I looked at him across the breakfast table yesterday morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks... I really don't want a relationship with any man right now... I mean, like, really.

I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago (a man) who told me that he never understood how women could put their kids first and not date for 18 or so years... And then he got custody of his teenaged daughter. And found himself in a position of having to make that decision for himself. And he finally "got it". And stopped dating a woman he'd been pursuing for a year.

And I totally get it... I don't want to be in a relationship that might throw this amazing thing I've got with my kid off-kilter.

The thing is, I know that living a full and rich life benefits my son in countless ways... And I know that I am a far better mother to him because I am feeling fulfilled when he's not with me.

But a relationship? Where there could be expectations? Demands of my time?

That's really not for me right now. Now, I did have this conversation with Leon months ago... That when I have my kid, I'm with him and only him. But that I could see someone a few times a week when he's not with me and maybe once during the week that I do have him. And Leon made it sound like that would be totally reasonable and acceptable. That any man should be okay with that.

And maybe it's because I'm still in a place where Leon's the only one I'm considering for anything longer-term and his schedule is pretty opposite of mine right now that I'm coming to this conclusion.

That I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to be in any kind of relationship other than being a mom to my son and a friend to my friends. That's it.

Oh, but I'm totally open to keeping a boy or two on the side... Because there are still other needs that must be met.

That's the conclusion I've come to in these last couple of days.

Which could be exactly what I need. Or it could just be the PMS talking.

::shrug::

Elephant Pusher.

So, I faltered. I happened to be in Leon's town and contacted him. Adorably, of course.

He responded with his whereabouts for that evening. Events fell into place, and I found myself on my own at that time, so I decided to go ahead and go. Because I'm a kickass chick who doesn't need her girlfriends to hold her hand when she goes out to a bar.

So, I went.

And he was all glad to see me. Turns out he was actually part of the entertainment, which was an unexpected treat. I'd wanted to see him do his thing for awhile, so I was thrilled to get to watch the magic happen. He was sweet, checking on me after stopping to talk to friends and whatnot. We joked around and laughed and stuff... At one point he touched my shoulder and told me "I like having you around. I can't joke about dead parents with too many people."

Yep. You wanna joke about dead parents? I'm your gal. ::snort::

I was getting pretty tired (I had done a half-marathon that morning), and I decided I should pee before I left.

I came back from the bathroom and Leon was gone.

I listened to a couple of other comics before wondering where he'd gone.

And that's when I saw him. Sitting outside. With a group of his friends. With a cigarette in his mouth.

Shit. I thought he'd quit.

Ew.

I wondered if I should wait for him to finish and come back inside and decided not to waste my time. I headed outside and kinda patted him on the shoulder, saying, "I'm gonna take off..."

He jumped right up, set the cigarette down and wrapped his arms around me... It felt so good to be in his arms again, and I breathed in his scent.... And was pretty grossed out. I was so bummed. He didn't smell like Leon. He smelled like smoke. Ugh. He was thanking me for coming out, and I said (matter-of-factly, not accusingly), "You're smoking." He said, "Yeah, I would kiss you right now, but I've been smoking, so my mouth is all smoky and dry..."

I was surprised that he said that. Since we'd broken things off, didn't that mean we weren't kissing anymore?

And I said, "You would?" And then he kinda backpedaled... But then kissed my forehead three different times.

I left and cried a little on the way home.

Smoking's a deal-breaker for me. So, no matter how great a guy he is, we're done.

I fully expected to hear from him that night or the next day, though. He usually does that. Especially since I figured he probably sat down with his friends and said, "Wow, I fucked that up, big-time."

But I didn't hear from him.

And I was sad. Because I'm such the optimist that telling myself there is absolutely no hope is really hard for me to grasp.

By Wednesday, I knew I needed to vent. I decided to draft an email. Just a draft. I had no intention of sending it. I just needed to get my feelings out where I could see them. So, I wrote it up, and waited about an hour... And then I decided I had nothing to lose, so I went ahead and sent it.

I was totally calm after that. I knew that even if I didn't hear from him again, that at least I said all the things I hadn't let myself say when we were seeing each other. Because I do have feelings for him. And about him. And for some reason, I hadn't told him that. So, there it was.

Of course, when the valet-guy and I spoke that evening and he said, "Is that the beautiful RetroMama?", I kind of regretted having sent it. Especially when he and I made plans to see each other soon. Haha.

But the next afternoon, I got a response. And it was AMAZING. I mean, amazing. I read it about three times before I could get on with my evening. And I don't even know how many times I've read it since then.

And while I realized that NOW I can let the dust settle, there were a few key points I did want to respond to.

So, the next day, I tried to write him back. And it was a crazy day and for some reason, the words didn't quite flow as easily. Maybe because it suddenly seemed like there was more at stake?

And I didn't really want to answer his questions if I didn't really know what exactly his questions were.

So, we ended up talking on the phone today. We'd made a phone date, and when he realized his plans had changed for the afternoon, he took the time to call me to ask me if we could reschedule. And when he was free earlier, he called me. I like how considerate he is.

So, we talked. And the elephant that had been in the room all this time was pushed out a bit. And we got off the phone on a high note, I think. He asked me to write him a note on Monday to tell him how tomorrow's long run goes. I appreciated that. And he's got a lot of stuff coming down in the next couple of weeks. We had agreed earlier to get through these next couple of weeks and then he asked if he could make me dinner.

I kind of want to get to that place. Besides, I don't want to feel like I can't see valet-guy before he goes back to college. ::giggle::

But now that I'm trying to focus on the positives of getting certain stuff out in the open, I'm finding myself second-guessing certain things that were said. By me. Eesh.

And I find myself feeling unsettled now. Like there's this other person that could potentially affect whether or not I end up trying again with this guy. And while I want to cross that bridge when I come to it, I also am tempted to take matters into my own hands. Because it should be between me and Leon. And if Leon decides to let someone from my past and his present be an issue for him then he can go smoke a cigarette and kiss my ass.

Yeah. That.

Oh, and on the work front? It pretty much rocks. I love my job. I did not, however, love that one of my student's dads was flirting with me. In front of her. And about 20 other families. Good times.

RetroMama is, apparently, just that hot. Oy.