Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just give me something to believe....

...'Cause I am living just to breathe.

What a fucking craptastic day.

I was nearly in tears half a dozen times when I realized just what a disservice I had done to my students by trying out this new schedule just to prove a point to someone who will never look at herself and realize what a horrible teacher she really is. If I wasn't so enraged, I would have been flattered by all of the wonderful things my students said about me. But all I could think was that they deserve so much from every teacher with whom they work.

And the plans I had for tonight... Didn't exactly happen. Since it's the last night before the husband goes on his trip, I thought, for sure, we would go for coffee...

I thought wrong.

I told him to drop me off at home so I could get some writing done. He was too distracted to have a conversation with me anyway. Why bother?

But I did ask him: While you're gone, are you working under the assumption that we're still working on things?

He didn't even hesitate when he said "yes".


"And when you come back, you see us as working on things because you want to get back together?"

And for the first time since this all began, he said, "Yes."

Is he fucking kidding me?!?

And then TF played DA with me. And I so wasn't in the mood for it.

No, I'm not putting off telling him what is really happening because I care what people think of me. (Shit, if I cared what people thought of me, I wouldn't write what I do here. Haha.) I truly believe that allowing him to come to his own conclusions (either on his own or with the therapist pointing it out) is what will be best for our family, over all. And while it's hard to put off my real life while he's trying to figure this shit out, hell... I've been putting off my real life for three years. What's another few weeks?


But when he called to say he would pick me up instead of me driving over to meet him to pick up our son?

I pulled up the fucking BGPs, lemme tell ya.

And I got in his truck and said: You know how you said that you think you're coming back and we're going to work on stuff? Well, I don't believe you. I have no reason to believe you. You have given me nothing to hold onto while you're gone. I have no reason to think that you will be thinking about me. I have nothing to look forward to when you get back. I'm waiting for you to change. And you're 40 years old. That's not fair of me to ask you to change. And I don't think it's a matter of desire. I think you do WANT to change. But I really think it's a matter of capability. I don't think you're capable of change.

And he didn't really answer me. When I asked him if he had anything to say, he said, "I don't know what you want."

I said, "I want something to hold onto."

He said that he worries about how this trip will affect us, since it's been such an issue in the last couple of months. I said, "I'm not worried. Honestly? I don't even care at this point." And that was the truth.

And then he tried to say something about how he doesn't want his one big trip to be an issue, especially since I've made it clear that I plan to travel, too.

Moments later, I made this point: I would be inviting you on any trip I take in the future. You will never invite me on this trip.

And then there was the usual family dinner. And it was great. And we all had fun together.

And then we got to my apartment. And the kidlet clung to his dad because he's going to miss him. But he was pretty calm about leaving him.

And then as I got out, he said, "I'll call you."

And then he grabbed my hand.

And kissed it.

And I closed the door, slung my arm around the kidlet's shoulders and walked away. I didn't look back.

1 comment:

  1. Shayna,

    I love your thought that you want something to hold onto.

    Aren't we all looking for that somewhere in our lives.

    Here's to the day we all find the something in our lives to hold onto.

    In the meantime,sending out Light and Love to my kick ass friend...