Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Reason/Season Crap.

So, apparently, I have this reputation.

For being the girl who cuts people out of her world.

And that's, supposedly, scary to those who love me.

Case brought up to me many times in recent months:


Look, Ari and I are fine. I emailed her on her birthday. I'm over it. She's not. This is no longer MY decision.

All I needed was time away from someone who was being deliberately cruel to me. Should I not have that right? Should I not be allowed to decide when someone is being poisonous to me and to eliminate that from my world?

Eric asked me early on if I tended to "break up" with friends.

And, yes. I have. I like closure, what can I say? ::shrug::

I wonder what it says about the person I used to be that I chose people to be a part of my world that would prove unworthy. Why did I have these people around me in the first place?

And I'm not breaking up with everyone who pisses me off lately. I'm just re-drawing boundaries. My inner circle does seem to be shrinking a bit. And I'm okay with that right now. I'm also trying to spread myself around a little bit. Pulling others into my inner circle so I don't completely overwhelm those closest to me with my pain and grief. I don't want to be the girl that nobody wants to talk to because I'm such a pain in the ass these days. I know I'm not my usual barrel of laughs right now.

Eric told me more than once when we argued that he was afraid that he would piss me off and that I would cut him out of my world... Like I had with Ari.

But let's remember that Ari didn't just piss me off. Ari hurt me deeply. And she compounded that hurt by flaunting it in my face. She showed no sensitivity whatsoever to my pain. She allowed me no time to wrap my mind around that new reality before she was throwing it in my face. And Eric was the one who pointed out what she was doing! And I actually defended her!

And then there's Eric.

And I'm, supposedly, the bitch who drove him away and cut him out of my world.

But that's not exactly what happened.

Yes, I diminished contact out of respect for my husband. And I think that most should agree that that was the right decision.

But when it came time to be friends? Eric was the one who had no boundaries. Eric was the one who walked out of Cara's house to talk to me for 45 minutes, and in that conversation he told me he was still attracted to me. I was the one who told him not to say that to me. How could he know if he was still attracted to me? He had not seen me in three months. I was the one who told him he was not being very loyal to his girlfriend.

I was being the good guy. Trying to be respectful of the relationship he had jumped into five minutes after we had broken up.

But then everything else happened. He was the one who said he wanted to kiss me. He was the one who told me he loved me. He was the one who told me that he had missed me.

I didn't say any of those things back to him at that time.

And then when he decided to compound his bad decisions by asking me to be an accomplice?

Why am I the bad guy for saying I did not think I could be his friend if he expected me to be a part of that lie?

And then... The guy who told me that he never wanted to piss me off so that I would cut him out of my world? He's the one who cut me out of his.

I'm tired of taking the blame on this one.

He's the one who cheated. He's the one who lied. And he's the one who cut me out of his world.

And I'm sitting here, feeling like I have to defend myself for not being friends with him anymore.

And then last night... When the husband told me about a phone call he had received. And all of that awful HRT stuff came back to him. And Cinderella's evil little plan to "tell him the truth", but anonymously? Ugh.

But then I started to think again... This really does smack of HRT. Jeez, I make bad decisions when it comes to love.

I thought Eric was different than HRT.

I finally came to realize that HRT was a sick, sick man. And he deliberately hurt me because that made him feel better about everything that was happening in his world.

But HRT felt helpless when his wife had left him. So, he decided to take it out on the next girl. And that turned out to be me.

And, I suppose that's what Eric was all about, too.

I wouldn't have believed it about him, though. So, now I get to just try. To believe that he was as cruel as HRT.

He's cut me out as effectively as HRT did.

But, oh... Eric... Who was so sad when his ex didn't acknowledge his birthday. And even I did.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

I can't help hoping he will show me some kind of kindness. Some acknowledgement that I do exist. Some acknowledgement that we were supposed to have been together on that day. Just us. Halfway around the world.

I know that he won't. On some level, I do know that he won't.

But I still can't help hoping.

The way that Eric left things with me? So unfinished. So unfair.

And you're probably reading this, going, "You deserve it, RetroMama. Karma's a bitch. You did it to Ari."

Sometimes it sucks to be so misunderstood.

Until last night, the husband did not even know whether or not I even had somewhere to be tomorrow. It never even occurred to him to invite me to share tomorrow with him and our son.

And he expects a fucking medal because he had fun at dinner the other night? And he took me out for coffee? (No, he asked me and drove to coffee. LOL.)

The husband and I are really good friends. I find myself being able to process out what LI did and the aftermath with him. Which is strange.

I'm grateful for that friendship.

But I know that is all it is. And he'll get there. Eventually.

And in the meantime... Fuck, I could really use some sleep. Eesh.

1 comment:

  1. Shayna,

    It is entirely your right to give up toxic people, toxic relationships.

    Everything in the Universe is energy and it is up to us to find what expands us, increases our joy and appreciation.

    Wishing you an abundance of Love and Light this Thanksgiving.

    I am thankful for the bond of friendship we share through our connectors, Kelly and Laiken.

    L&L x 13 x 19...