Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Letter to Eric.

Dear Eric,

I'm sad now.

In that last angry email you sent me, you reminded me that you and I had enjoyed each other. And that you wanted to focus on that.

And we really had.

So, why did you tell Cara that you and I were "incompatible for dating"?

That wasn't true.

You and I were totally compatible for dating. We totally enjoyed each other's company. We laughed together, cried together. We talked for hours on end.

We took trips together. Wonderful ones. We enjoyed traveling together. We were good at that. We flew to faraway destinations and then took road trips from there. Just the other day, I was remembering how you held the door for me after we had played in the snow. And you leaned in to kiss me. And it was so sweet.

And we could talk about politics and religion and relationships and the dorkiest shit imaginable. All the way through two states and back.

And then we took that ride over the falls, something that terrified each of us. But we took that risk. Together. And then that walk over that bridge. Together.

We weren't compatible?

Fuck you for saying that. Ever. Sure, we argued. Because we were passionate about each other. But for you to dismiss our relationship like that? When even as recently as two days ago, you were still reminding me that I was the one who broke up with you???!!!

You betrayed me long before I told Cara the truth. You lied about me. You lied about our love for each other. Or maybe you didn't lie to her. Maybe you lied to me. Maybe you were lying to me as we drove down that highway, watching the deer hopping alongside the road. Maybe you were lying to me when we held hands in that cab in my favorite City.

I can't believe we've come to a place where you can minimize everything that we shared. And you were doing it long before I spoke to her.

Fuck you, you self-serving jerk.

And I'm sitting here, crying, because you decided to give me the big "fuck you" by blocking me on Facebook? You wanted to hurt me? Congratulations, you've done it. Again.

I guess this is what happens when you get too involved with a rebound.

I should have known this was going to end this way. I guess I did know that night when you first told me you were dating her.

That's why I asked for the journal back.

Not because I wanted it. But because I didn't want YOU to have it. Because even then, I didn't trust you with it. I knew the day would come when you would share our words with someone else.

I destroyed it. I destroyed it before I even saw you again.

And then everything else happened. And I realized that I still love you. That I'm still in love with you.

And I allowed myself to let you use me. And I allowed myself to get caught up in your games. And your shades of gray.

Dammit, Eric. I trusted you. And now I'm second-guessing everything you EVER said to me.

I owe you a huge "thank you".

Thank you for reminding me that anybody who says "I'm the most honest person out there. I never lie. I'm completely forthcoming" is probably hiding something.

Cara was stunned. She trusted you, too.

But her shock made me realize that maybe I really didn't know you as well as I had thought. Or maybe you really were completely honest with me, but since that blew up in your face, you decided not to trust her as much as you had trusted me.

Eric, I'm sorry I hurt you when I broke up with you. I really, truly am. I loved you. I trusted you. I was so happy to anticipate going to Europe with you. I actually let my guard down and thought we could have a future together. I wanted to let you keep your promise to kiss me under the Eiffel Tower.

You were the only man I really considered that way.

And I got scared. And I wanted my family back. And I felt like I couldn't move forward with you until I had actually finished my marriage. For real. It was a very confusing time for me. Surely you can understand that.

And today, I told V about where that marriage is going. And, again, she was not surprised.

I was, apparently, the last to know.

Except for you. I think that since you loved me so much, you couldn't imagine why my husband would not jump at the chance to get back together with me. Because you would have.

But, he didn't. And he wouldn't.

And I would not have known that if I had not broken up with you.

And, deep down inside, you know that. You do know that.

But I am sad to know that you minimized what we shared to the next woman. It makes sense. Hell, it would have been nicer for me if you had minimized stuff for my benefit. ::shrug::

But then we got to this place...

This place where you are probably seeing red.

I'm not sorry I did what I did, Eric. You should have been the one to tell Cara. And you can tell yourself all you want to that you would have told her, but I think that you knew you never would have. Especially since you chose to be with her again after what you and I shared.

And, I don't know where you are with her. I don't know if you have managed to talk your way back into her heart and into her bed. It wouldn't surprise me. Hell, you spin for a living. And one thing she said to me kind of set off alarm bells in my mind. Made me think that she just might be weak enough to take you back.

Well, I hope that if you guys make it through this that you end up being happy together. And at least you can move forward without secrets and lies between you.

I know you want to hurt me. I know you think I told Cara to hurt you.

That's not why I did it, though. At least, that wasn't the primary reason.

I told her because she deserved to know. And you had knowledge that she absolutely deserved to know. I stand by that. One hundred percent. (It was what I told her the next day. She said she would add it to her list of questions for you. Please tell me you are not so naive that you honestly did not think you should have told her that one thing from the first day.)

I am sorry that I hurt you when I broke up with you.

And I'm sorry if it hurts you to know what happened to the journal. (I kept it from you because I didn't want to hurt you then. I'm admitting it now because I'm angry and you did something to deliberately hurt me, so I'm doing the same back to you. Immature, sure. But I'm mad, too.)

But, Eric. I loved you. And to realize that with such clarity and then to find out that you lied about me and to me? So soon after realizing I would have to grieve for our relationship? When I'm realizing that I am choosing to live without Love? Without Affection? Two gifts that you gave me so freely?

I'm aching here. I'm missing who I used to be when I was with you. I'm missing the man that I thought you were.

You did the wrong thing. And I took that choice away from you because you made the wrong choice. But your mistake wasn't in being with me that night. Your mistake was lying about it. Your mistake was deciding that Cara was more important than I was.

Grownups hurt each other. Grownups make mistakes. But grownups don't go running out and getting completely enmeshed in the next relationship just because they're lonely.

Yes, I broke up with you. Yes, you were lonely, so you went out and found someone new. As you've repeated so often in recent weeks, "We each did what we had to do."

But you know, deep down inside, that if you had only waited... You and I could have had a chance. And you know that you miss me. And you know that you love me. And you know that the love you have for me is not "not that way anymore".

You do know that.

And you can hate me all you want to because it's easier than hating yourself.

But you know, deep down, that you're the one that fucked up. And you can pretend all you want to that you're just upset because you lost Cara (if you even did).

But she did NOT matter to you like you're pretending she does.

You miss being a family. And THAT is why you decided to become one so quickly with her.

You KNOW that you did the wrong thing there. You KNOW that my rules are in place for a reason. And you hate me because I actually follow my rules. And you hate me because you know that I am right. And you know you fucked up.

So, go ahead and blame me all you want. Go ahead and destroy everything I ever gave you. Go ahead and tell everybody that I'm a fucking bitch for telling your girlfriend something I had no right to say.

And, you're right. That was your job. And you failed.

And you hate me because I was the best friend you ever had. I was the one who knew you better than anybody else in your world, including your "best friend", who's known you for years.

But when you're tired of hating me, take a good look in the mirror, Eric.

I would have been that friend. Even if we were never lovers again.

Thank you for turning out to be such a coward. Thank you for serving to remind me to go with my instincts. Because my instincts were spot-on about you. That first time we met, you made it so clear that you didn't really respect me.

And then I dated you for the next five months.

Oh, my god.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Eric, I am sorry you got hurt. I am. Because I did love you.

But I needed to burn our bridge. Because I probably would have ended up getting back together with you down the line. I always said that you and I would work out in ten years.

But maybe now that I've done this thing, you'll still hate me in ten years. And that will keep us from making a huge mistake.

I'm going to learn not to discount what you and I did share when we were in love. Because we were. And we were good together. We boosted each other up and we challenged each other to test our own limits. We shared some amazing memories together.

Thank you again, for being there for me that night when LI did what he did to me. Thank you for holding me and making me feel safe. Thank you for making me smile and for helping me to sleep.

You'll be glad to know that I'm really having trouble with the whole LI thing now. I've scheduled an extra therapy session to help me deal with it. Since you hate me so much, you'll be glad to know that I'm pretty devastated by all of this. Throw in the whole victimization thing, and I'm just a bundle of fucked-up nerves. I'm sure that'll make you feel better.

So, congratulations, Eric. Your goal was to hurt me, and you have succeeded.

I'm not going to hate you, though. Sure, I'm really sad right now. And I wish I could talk to someone that I considered one of my best friends.

And, hey, if you're wasting a bunch of energy on hating me, at least you're thinking about me, right?

I'm going to keep loving you, though. And I'm going to remember that you're not quite the perfect man for me that I thought you were. And I'm going to remember that, yes, we really were "incompatible for dating". But I'm going to remember that there was a time when we weren't. When we were really good together.

Reason, Season, Lifetime, Eric.

I've been walking around with a Euro in my pocket.

Light and Love,
RetroMama

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