Because when I finally decided to look at my phone this morning, I found this gem:
"The fact is that until you process all the emotions of (fill in the blank), anger will serve the many cover-up functions that nature designed it to. Even irrational anger makes emotional sense. And no one ever said "emotional sense" makes sense."
I can fill in the blank with what LI did.
And that means that everything that came after makes emotional sense.
And that means the horrible conversations I've been having with Eric in my head are... Dare I say it? Normal??!!??
A friend and I were chatting a few days ago. And I said that Eric will probably get to a point where he wants to apologize. She said I should not give him that satisfaction. Why offer him forgiveness if I've already forgiven him in my head?
And I admitted that I haven't forgiven Eric yet. And if he were to come apologize to me, I would let him because, dammit, I deserve that.
The day will come when I get past that need. But right now, I do feel like I would be better off if he came to me and admitted, "Yeah, I fucked up. I never should have touched you that night because it hurt you. And I'm sorry for hurting you."
I mean, shit. LI apologized for what he did. Told me he regrets it. (Does that mean I'm letting him off the hook? Nope.)
But Eric? Who is running around like he's the injured party? He has not apologized. Not to me, anyway.
I'm sure he apologized to Cara. I'm sure he threw me under the bus again. They're probably off snuggling together drinking hot chocolate, staying in during this storm. Hell, they've probably got all the kids together for a movie marathon. All cozy and happy because Eric told her that the crazy chick is out of their lives. He probably told her I lied about the whole thing.
But deep down, he knows I told the truth. And deep down, he knows that he deserves for me to be angry with him. Rational or not, he pretended to be my friend. He told me he loved me. He lied. And if he ever did love me (which I'm coming to the realization that he probably never did), he will come to regret that. Especially if he told me the truth while we sat here that night. When he thanked me. If he really meant that? He'll come to WANT to apologize to me.
And right now? I would let him. Because I fucking deserve that. I deserve for him to acknowledge that he hurt me.
I acknowledged I hurt him. Because that's the kind of chick I am.
But I'm going to continue to wrap myself in this blanket of anger for awhile. Even thought I can acknowledge that it's growing thinner each day.
And one day, I'll wake up and realize I'm not angry anymore. In the last 36 hours, the hatred has dissipated a bit. I'm more focused on what I can actually control.
I'm focusing on that text from this morning. And the email I got from a former student. These people believe in ME.
And I'm going to be worthy of that.