Sunday, November 21, 2010

Passing Out = Chickening Out. (and vice versa)

Yesterday was a pretty good day, actually.

Then came the night.

I had been texting with CJ before leaving for dinner. ("CJ?" you ask as you frantically go back in the blog about a year to figure out who I'm talking about. "Really? CJ?")

It actually makes sense. It's November. He was rather pivotal last November.


Went to dinner with the husband. Had a nice meal, we talked the whole time. I got a little drunk.

And nothing happened.

He actually drove to the front gate and asked if he could drop me off there.

"You're not even going to walk me in?"

He walked me in. Came in, sat down for a few minutes and then left. I think he hugged me goodbye and said he'd talk to me later.


And then I found the texts CJ had sent while I had been out.

And I explained that I was drunk.

And then the texts got pretty flirty. Nothing over-the-top, but flirty, for sure.

The last one I saw was where he said, "I definitely wouldn't turn down the offer to keep warm. :)"

And I stared at it for awhile, turned the phone to silent and tiptoed over to the other side of the room to put it on the charger. Where it stayed for the rest of the night.

I may be lonely, but I am fucking terrified. Even of a guy who has proved on more than one occasion that he wouldn't try to have sex with me.

But somehow, I've found a shred of self-respect throughout all of this. How on earth is that possible? Am I really respecting myself enough to not let myself be used again? And to not use other people for whatever comfort I can glean from them?

Or am I just too scared?

Whatever it is, it resulted in a decent night of sleep. (Thank you, Cadillac margarita and Nyquil!)

And today... I've been playing around and caffeinating... Not really getting done what I should, but I'm enjoying my own company right now.

And something just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Eric's gonna pull an HRT on me.

That apology isn't ever going to come, is it?

I know the answer.

It's not.

The only difference is that one day, I will run into him. And hopefully it is far enough in the future to where my wounds will have healed into scars that have faded.

And if I could heal from what HRT did?

Eventually, I'll heal from these hurts, too.

Eventually. Even though the ones who did this won't ever be brave enough to try to help me do it.

Wait. That's not true. LI actually apologized. So did CJ.


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