Monday, November 1, 2010

It's been awhile....

...since I've posted a blog under the influence.

I kind of forgot to eat dinner and then I had a glass of wine. And there was so little left in the bottle, I decided I had to finish that, too.

And drunken blogging has to be better than drunken noveling, right?

I so appreciate my TF.

Sure, we got in a huge fight a couple of weeks ago. Complete with crying and hurt feelings.

And apologies.

Huh. Grownups can own up to when they fuck up. And apologize. And a fight doesn't necessarily mean a breakup.

And I opened with, "I'm fragile today. Please no yelling."

And there was no yelling. Oh, no. She even expressed pride in me when I admitted some really painful shit.

And she's the only person on this entire planet who is still kind of rooting for Eric. Or rather, maybe not Eric, but the person she knows I am when I am with him.

I risked everything when I broke up with him.

And it has pretty much blown up in my face.

I don't know if the husband even realizes where this is going to end. And even though I said more than a week ago, I know how it will end, I'm still the stupid girl that hopes I am wrong. And it's not because of Eric.

But when TF was so proud of me for admitting how I really feel? And it seemed too late already?

But I am being me. The "in your face" kind of gal I am. Because at the heart of it all, I know his heart. Just as I know the husband's heart. It seems like the only heart I am denying is my own.

And Eric's been in this thing with another woman. I know he doesn't love her like he loves me. But he's mad at me. I hurt him. I get that.

And for a day, I've been hoping. Because when I got that email from him this morning... For the first time, I let myself believe that maybe we would end up being friends.

Because from the first day we ever spoke... I knew I should be friends with him.

But as I'm writing this book.... And really looking at my characters... They are young and they are flawed.

And we're not young. But we're flawed... But there are some flaws that we can live with...

And others that we can't.... And when push comes to shove... Eric chose to throw me under the bus....

It's not only that he put someone else's feelings before mine. That was his right. He owes nothing to the woman who, supposedly, broke his heart.

But that day... When he had a choice to make... When he chose to tell only half of the truth... He told the half that would make him look like a saint and cast me in the role of sinner.

And we all know that RetroMama's pretty quick to admit she's a sinner.

And I would, happily, willingly, jump on a grenade for someone I love.

But there's a difference between jumping on a grenade and being pushed under a bus.

And he did it because he chose to put another first. Someone he had already betrayed. As though betraying me would make that betrayal better.

But he did betray me that day.

And I want so badly to forgive.

But I don't know if I can forget. Because I can't help but wonder if that one choice was the choice that revealed his true character.

And there are a thousand other things I should be focusing on. But this one thing...

I know the day will come when he will realize I was right. And I know the day will come when he will regret trespassing on MY heart and not hers. But I don't know if it will be too late by then.

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