Sometimes I start paragraphs with the word "and".

CoffeeLady told me weeks ago that if my heart was in the right place, if my intentions were true, that my messages would be received in the spirit given.

And that held true during those first days...

And then I was told to drop the baggage, already...

But some of that baggage motivated me... To do more... To be more... To push myself harder.

That baggage got me to take on the Incline. And not bail out even though I couldn't breathe and Kev probably wanted me to bail. LOL.

That baggage got me to kick some serious ass at that last half-marathon.

That baggage may have been part of what motivated me to sign on for 50 miles.

That baggage tempted me to do something that could have hurt a few people. But it might have been fun and entertaining...

And this thing I've been dancing around for more than a year...

And today, I woke up intrigued.

And realized tonight that my heart is totally in the right place. Anything I did today was motivated by Light and Love. Peace.

And I suddenly sense that something beautiful is heading my way...

And I am open to it. Ready to receive it.

I had an amazingly beautiful day today. All of it. In a town that holds many bittersweet memories for me... I remembered beautiful moments and smiled... I had the kidlet at my side the entire day. I got to be with my dad. His gf gave me the beautiful blanket she had crocheted for me to have in my home. In my home.

And I feel that flutter of excitement. Of intrigue... Of being open to whatever it is.

Because I suddenly realized that this person matters to me in their own right. Just as they always could have if I hadn't been holding on so tightly to that baggage.

And whether anything comes directly from this ClaRiTy that has me all breathless and happily crying doesn't even matter. Because whatever comes from THIS will be beautiful and wonderful.

And I like it.

I feel balanced. And yet... Off-balance. But in a good way.

Weaning.

I'm quitting caffeine again.

But I'm weaning this time. No cold turkey crap. Uh-uh.

CoffeeLady hooked me up with some good decaf. And for two days, I've put some decaf beans into the grinder along with a few fewer regular beans.

No headache yet. (::knock on something::)

I didn't drink soda yesterday and went to bed at 10 and slept for the whole night.

I had a Cherry Dr Pepper this afternoon. Because I had lots of writing to do. And here it is, nearly 11, and I am wide awake... Thinking a glass of Syrah and a square of dark chocolate is in my future...

I had a midday TheRaPy session today.

And I told Therapist all about how I dipped my toes in the water last weekend. Went out dancing. With about 8 couples. Half of whom are friends with M. And I tested my boundaries and figured out what they are. And the husbands watched out for me, and I had fun and I didn't ever feel uncomfortable.

Well, until I had stuffed 7 people into my vehicle which seats 5. And I was the only sober one. With four drunk people in my backseat yelling directions at me. All of which were different. But I got them all home safely, and that is what mattered...

I had a long phone conversation with half of a couple that we used to hang out with often... I knew I would lose this couple in the divorce. And I was sad, but realized I can really afford to be generous. I have far more friends than he does. So, the ones that he needs, I can let go... Even if I am sad about it.

But I did get to have a conversation with her... And it was lovely. Just like old times. And we did touch upon the subject of the last year and a half when they kind of dropped me. And we were candid and it was okay.

I hadn't realized she was such the intuitive sort... She tends not to share that, apparently, because most people don't "get" it. And, for some reason, she felt safe enough to share that with me. LOL.

I said something about how when M and I first started actually talking about our issues, he would get angry with me for saying I'd been unhappy for six months, "when it's really only been six weeks!"

But it had actually been much longer than even just six months... And she said that she'd sensed something at least two years before we came out and said something. But she'd been afraid to ask. Afraid to open that can...

But that was validating.

And as I'm in the middle of pulling down the MySpace bloggage (don't worry. I'm putting it elsewhere. Stay tuned.), and re-reading most of it, it's really hitting me... I'm scared to read them all... Because I'm scared I'm going to see where it all began.

And I told my therapist that I'm pretty sure I remember when I realized I wasn't happy. I remember the blog I wrote that day. I haven't gone back that far yet, but I know it's there.

Yesterday I got as far back as one year ago... What an eye-opener.

And today, I went back a few months before that... To when Laiken died... And I found comments from DebuTaunt... (I've been waiting to cry for hours, and now it's finally happening. Phew!)

But more than that... I'm finding comments from people who just two months later decided they hated me... Comments telling me how much they loved me, how proud of me they were. Thanking me for bringing Laiken into their world...

I found reminders of how much they cared about me (or pretended to, anyway)... How supportive and wonderful they were during Mother's Day of last year.

And even though some of those accounts are gone, I found responses written to certain people. And those responses reminded me of things that were said back then... Funny, wonderful things.

Okay, taking a deep breath.

Reminding myself of what a wise woman recently told me (and a few others. LOL!):

clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

I am clear about what we shared at one time. And clear about how it is no longer available (either to me or from me!). I am truly thankful for the memories, and thankful that those poisonous people are out of my life...

Therefore...

:)

I've got so many windows open it's not even funny. I'm working on three different writing projects right now. Expressing it. Feeling it. Writing it out... And maybe it'll turn out to be something big.

My IBFF came to see me on Monday. And we drank Cherry Dr Pepper at my new table. And I remember how a year ago, I was racing to the group nearly every week... And now the ones that matter are making a point of coming to me from even farther away.

Okay, I just stopped and re-read that last sentence about eight times.

Because it really hit me.

The ones that matter are making a point of coming to see me from even farther away. Proving to me, unprompted, that I matter to them.

Thank you, ladies.

I am so damned thankful for those people who have made me feel wanted and loved, especially in the most recent days.

Being unemployed for the first time since I was 14 is a strange sensation.

But I find myself feeling this detachedness (if that's not a word, I'm claiming it!) when people say things like "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Because right now it just is what it is. I'm not feeling like the sympathy is what I need.

And I was proud of myself for not laughing in the face of the one who said, "Try to stay strong and positive..." And loved when V said, "has she MET you???"

But, apparently, what I do need is to feel wanted and loved.

And so many of my loved ones have done that for me... I am so thankful for the one who wrote to me to ask me again to come out on Saturday. I'm so thankful for the ones who insisted we come stay with them. I'm so thankful for the one who came to me on Monday. I'm so thankful for the ones who have emailed me with their dates of availability and asked me to make sure I can see them... I'm so damned thankful for the early mid-week miles... I'm thankful for the one who called me with the job offer, saying wonderful things about why he'd thought of me.

Because at the end of the day, clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

And I'm working on it. And I'm there. And I'm working on it. But I am so there.

And to those who tried to railroad me along the way? Fuck you.

:D

Taking Back My Memories...

There's this line in "Gives You Hell" where he sings "You can take back your memories, they're no good to me!"

And while I loved that song pretty passionately after the breakup with HRT, I'm kind of over it.

I sent someone a gift recently... I didn't really plan to buy a gift, but when I found it, I knew I had to send it... And I agonized over the perfect wrapping paper, and the perfect card... And I was thrilled with the finished result... I remember laughing with joy as I cut the wrapping paper to size... I put Light and Love into addressing the bubble envelope... I had fun with it.

Two days ago, I checked my PO Box for the first time in several days... There were several things in there... I sorted them at the counter, asking the kidlet to throw the junk mail away... There were a few envelopes with hand-written addresses. One was from the recipient of that gift. One was from DebuTaunt's parents... And one had Zoe's name in the return address spot.

I knew I had to open them right then and placed them in order from least to greatest importance... Zoe's would be last.

The first was the thank-you card for that gift. I tore open the envelope, expecting some kind of acknowledgement of how perfect the gift was, how thoughtful, how it would hold a treasured place in their home.

Yeah. That's not what I got. It was a pre-printed card, signed "Thanks, The Recipient"

Wow.

And then I opened the cards from DebuTaunt's family... And the words... Written by someone who had just lost their CHILD... And to take the time to tell me that something I had sent more than three months ago had made it to Deb's hospital room... That it had sparked conversation among her visitors... That she had actually touched it...

I sobbed. Right there, just crying... And the kidlet came over and hugged me and patted me and said, "I'm sorry you're sad, Mommy." And I smiled through my tears and said, "I'm not, Baby... I'm so thankful for these..." (OF COURSE the card sent on Zoe's behalf had butterflies all over the front!) and I held up the cards that mattered...

And then I asked him to throw away the other card. Because while I may be a sentimental girl, and the person who sent it used to be someone whose notes I treasured, I'm actually over it. I didn't waver when he said, "Throw away the card?"

And he did.

And I held the cards from DebuTaunt's family close, gathered up the rest of the mail and came home...

But the thought had entered my mind, "I spent all of this time and energy putting that together, and it didn't matter to them??? Well, pish. Maybe I shouldn't have done it..."

The next thought was, "Wait a second. I was joyful when I did it. I laughed and had fun. Why should their reaction take away from my memory of joy?"

And then I was glad again. Because there could be a thousand reasons why they didn't take the time to say something more. And 999 of those reasons probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.

So, I took back my memory. Because it WAS good to me.

And then I decided to take back some other memories...

Those girls. (I know I'm harping on an old subject. But it's summer... And the last two summers were all caught up with them...)

One of them deleted every photo of me from a website that was supposed to represent all of us... Erased my existence from those experiences.

Which is fine.

But I still want to be joyful about the wonderful times we did share before everything changed...

I still want to remember the way the moon looked that night as we listened to the music at that concert... I want to remember how we made a circle around the IBFF as she peed in the parking lot... I want to remember Island's. And the BGSC. And how they were there for my Ultra. I want to remember being wrapped in a blanket on my dad's couch as I sobbed. I want to remember crying at CEC because I had finally shared my most humiliating moment.

And HRT... How wonderful to be able to remember that night that we hung out with K at my dad's... The laughter the neighbors on the next block could probably hear... When L banned me from speaking at her wedding (she says she was kidding. I have my doubts. LOL), and she mentioned an inside joke created that night at my dad's, I was able to smile when I remembered how HRT had laughed so hard and threw his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

Just because he became a lying, cheating, thieving asshole later doesn't mean that that wasn't a wonderful moment.

So, I can let them pretend I never existed... Because even though I would never want to be in the same room with them again, there was a time when they mattered to me... When they brought me joy...

So, they can rewrite our history. I won't. Because it's MY history. And there were beautiful, wonderful, horrible, amazing, moments. And they made me who I am today.

So, I'm thankful for that.

Okay, maybe I have one last secret...

For those of you who have been living under a rock, you might not know that I am a huge fan of PostSecret. Huge fan... I was introduced to PostSecret a couple of years ago by a friend with whom I'm no longer in contact.

But I have all four books.

And, yes... I've sent in a postcard or thirty. Haha.

Making those postcards has been so cathartic for me... It's been better than blogging because I can be a total bitch when I make those cards and nobody will ever know just how much anger I'd been carrying when I've been all "Love and Light" and shit on the internet and in real life...

Because I was a person who tried so hard to convince myself that certain things were okay, when they really weren't... That I was okay with what those horrid girls did last summer... That I was okay with what the HRT did... That the ARSHole wasn't so awful...

And in the privacy of my own home, I would take out my scissors, glue sticks, stickers, photos, etc... And I would just... EXPRESS IT.

There was the day last winter when I made a whole bunch of cards to get my angst out over the HRT... And I anxiously stalked the website, waiting for one of those cards to show up... Because that would totally show him!!!

But they never did.

Frank never posted my cards... Nor did he ever post any of the emails I'd sent...

But then I would find myself telling my closest friends about what those postcards said... And those secrets didn't have so much of a hold over me... Through the making and sending of the cards, they lost their power... And I felt better...

And I'd had these two photographs sitting in my place... Photos I knew I didn't want... But I couldn't bring myself to simply throw them away... Because I had feelings wrapped up in them... Feelings I hadn't been able to express...

And the postcard... The beautiful black and white artsy postcard I'd picked up in San Francisco when I was with Ari... It was a fork, lying face-down on a plate... My plan at that time was to frame it and put it in my new apartment when I moved...

But I didn't do it... A couple of months ago, I knew it would end up sent to PostSecret... But I didn't know what it would say...

And the day I sent in those photographs... Expressing the hurt one girl had caused... And the admission that I was finally grateful for the HRT not showing up in my town on that particular weekend... That was the day I created the secret on the fork postcard... It was my deepest secret...

And then I addressed it, and it struck me that the photo on the card was a Paris photo... Taken long before my lifetime would begin...

And I remembered how CoffeeLady had told me not to date anybody who reads my blog... Because I'm so open and honest in here (today being asked "did I really just read about your butthole?") that somebody might use that information to get to me in a way I wouldn't welcome...

And I remembered how the HRT had done that... He acted like he knew me so well... And while he knew he didn't embody everything I'd written in my "list" (this goes back to a blog I wrote a lifetime ago... About what I'm looking for), he wanted to become the person worthy of being with me... And while he hadn't traveled as much as I was hoping for, he told me that he wanted to travel with me...

And take me to Paris.

Um, but I don't want to go to Paris. I've never wanted to go to Paris. There are two European cities in particular that I do want to visit. But it's never been Paris...

And when we talked about it, I was really sweet about it, "Oh, you mean... ???" And he quickly said, "Yes, isn't that where you wanted to go?"

And it was early days, so I let it slide...

So, I finally made the postcard... And as I addressed it, I added a little note for Frank...

And before I put that card in the mail, I actually pulled part of my secret off of the front... Because I was afraid that it would end up getting posted and that someone in my world would figure out that it was me...

And then last weekend, I checked the site... None of my secrets made it...

This morning, I checked it from my phone... And I saw my own writing!!!

I raced to the computer because I wanted to check and see if it was one of the postcards where you put your cursor over it and it flips over... Suddenly terrified that someone would recognize my writing, I simply had to know....

And he hadn't done it that way...

Heart in my throat, I dashed off an email to Frank... And texted a couple of girlfriends who follow the site...

A couple of hours later, I saw that he'd also printed my email... And I was scared that he would have gone ahead and shared the other side...

But he hadn't...

And these people on the forum seemed to think that what was written was what the secret was about...

And I hadn't thought that it was...

But maybe it was... Maybe that's the thing I was supposed to take from this... That the one secret I'm still keeping doesn't matter... Because there's no way to change it anyway...

But knowing that the person who will come into my world will be better than the ones who've left it (the ones who left by choice. Please don't misunderstand me on that line! LOL!)...

And the next guy?? Well, he sure as hell won't offer to take me to Paris!!

The handbasket is purple... With spangly things hanging down.

If I believed in hell, I'd definitely have my non-refundable ticket there...

Something big is about to happen... I can just feel it. And I'm excited about it.

I've been in such an amazing place that even when I did not get confirmation that I'd have a job next year, I cried for a few moments and got over it. Got excited about the next thing... Which was an amazing trail run that evening.

And later that night, more validation.

I'm seeing the connections between people, and being all the more grateful for the horrible ones because they taught me something, too... Or brought someone wonderful into my world.

Minutes after blowing through the finish line, I realized the ABC was gone. The necklace was still around my neck, but the ABC was gone.

First thought: Guess I didn't need that anymore.

Second thought: I wonder who is the person who will find it and what it will bring to them...

Third thought: Oh, but I really liked that, and am somewhat bummed to not have it now.

Whoa.

Apparently, I'm ready for whatever happens next... Even though all kinds of references to the HRT are popping up... And far too many mallards for it to be a coincidence. LOL. Something is coming... And I'm anticipating it with glee...

And then tonight, because I'd pulled up the BGPs last week and done the right thing, I allowed myself a few moments to lurk...

And I saw something beautiful... A reference that someone's karma has come back to bite her in the ass... And I know I shouldn't feel all gleeful about it, but the questions she is asking of herself are somewhat shocking to me... Because I've never been able to understand how someone can spread so much poison to others and expect it never to return...

And there I was... Sobbing on the kitchen floor last year because of the things she'd said and done... And here I am now, happy, healthy, content... And someone has obviously done to her something similar to what she did to me...

And I didn't have to do a thing... I had just sent Light and Love and shit, and she's all crying now...

And I'm trying really, really hard to feel sorry for her... And maybe I will tomorrow... But for now I am going to revel in the imperfection that is me... Because I know that I did the right thing back then, and doing nothing now is also the right thing... And I don't owe her anything. I don't owe her sympathy. I don't owe her kindness. I owe her nothing.

Except gratitude... For being the awful person that she was... Because it made it all the easier to cut her out of my life back then... And I'm grateful for the validation now...

I actually snorted with laughter... And it's still bubbling up in my chest...

And I'm also grateful for the letter I received... The validation that someone saw the good in me so many years ago... He saw something in me that I have only recently begun to really embrace... And I am grateful for that.

And I can't stop laughing... As I told my students the other day, "There comes a time when you have to stop pointing the finger at everybody else and take a good hard look at yourself..."

Maybe somebody should tell her that...

But not until tomorrow...

Because tonight, I'm enjoying the entertainment.

Homey got his license revoked!

That line just cracks me up. Still. The morning after I received it as a text.

During this last month or so of spiritual growth, I'm finding that not only am I seeing the relationships of others more clearly, but I'm actually able to find the clarity of seeing my OWN. And that's weird. It usually is so much easier to see it when you're on the outside looking in... But I am in a place where I can look at myself, my patterns, my reactions to others, and I'm seeing it all very clearly.

Clear enough to see that there are friendships I've placed much value on, but realizing that I have been a Reason for them, and not that they were the Reason for me. And that's a tough one to swallow. Because it means there is much "letting go" on the horizon...

Not that I haven't become a freaking champ at letting go lately... And many of the things I have felt I've had to let go were difficult for me... And I felt like I didn't have much of a choice... If I choose to grow, I have to get out of my own way and let shit go.

Surprisingly, it hasn't been as difficult as I'd expected.... Because CoffeeLady told me to "trust yourself..." And that permission was a beautiful thing... Going with my gut has been far more rewarding than I'd even hoped... Opening up communication here... Shutting it down over there...

Don't think I haven't gotten sidetracked. I have. But I am actually pretty pleased with the way things have gone...

Until I started what I thought was obsessing over something that I've consciously tried to put to rest... I sent the emails, got unexpected responses... Found something I shouldn't have found, and did nothing about it...

Mad letting go skillz....

Um, then why is that particular person still popping up in my consciousness??? Seemingly random things popping up where I say, "OF COURSE it's that particular song on the radio that hasn't played in 15 years! And, OF COURSE out of every possible freaking beer it could have been, it had to be THAT one, brewed at THAT place!"

Ugh.

So, when CoffeeLady called me out on me "going through the motions of letting go, but not actually doing it..." I was kinda pissed off... Because I'm feeling all zen about it, but for some reason, not letting go...

And then it hit me.

It's not actually me. It's the other person. He's the one who isn't letting go... And there I'd been thinking I had the monopoly on unfinished business. Apparently not.

Because I've become so damned attuned to the energies of others that I'm picking up vibrations from the weirdest places... Seriously. First phone conversations have occurred in these weeks... Messages given, messages received...

But when I realized that I was picking up his vibrations, I got angry... I realized that while you can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink... And it hit me how many times I've led this horse to the trough... Could he fucking drink already?!? Because I'm actually okay. I'm done. I am perfectly okay with accepting this level of our friendship. And I was being all noble and shit. Heaping all the pain upon my own shoulders. Not ever realizing that perhaps he'd been doing the same.

Gulp.

And it was during these realizations that I got some news about him... And I didn't find out in the way I'd expected. In the way I'd felt guilty about because I didn't have the faith in him that he would do the right thing. And I'd sent a silent apology for not trusting him... And then realized that he didn't deserve that apology... Because he let me find out from someone who was pissed I hadn't told her... Not realizing that she was the one to tell me...

And then I was lumped into that "most people" category... And I thought, "Um, has he even met me???" And while, yes, of course he's met me, it brought everything to light... He's got something he hasn't let go of... And he's still getting into my head.

And I was angry. Pissed off. Because I can't spell it out for him. He really needs to figure it out for himself.

And then I went for a run... And it was within the first quarter mile that the clarity hit me... He is getting into my head because for some reason, I'm letting him be there... And while there was a time that I took all of the pain and the hurt for myself because I cared enough about him to spare him that, well, I don't actually care that much anymore... So if he needs to hurt, I can actually let him... And while it would be great if he would just keep it to himself and not direct so much of his own energy towards me, I can't control that...

But I can control my own reaction to it... And I don't have to allow him the permission to get into my head.

Which is what I told CoffeeLady... Who responded with, "Homey got his license revoked!"

And I'm still laughing this morning.

So, with Light, Love, Humor, and Grace, I am closing that door. Nobody's admitted without a ticket... Without a license to enter... And I choose who gets approved for the license... And while you may have qualified at one time, I get to choose to revoke that license too.

::grin::

I'm like Dr Pepper.

Dr Pepper is one of those things people feel passionately about...

Nobody says "Dr Pepper? Oh, it's okay. I can take it or leave it..."

No. People either love it or they hate it. Ask around. Nine out of ten people will have a very definite opinion about Dr Pepper...

I'm like Dr Pepper. People either love me or they hate me. Nobody really says, "Oh, that RetroMama? Yeah, she's okay. I can take her or leave her..." And yes, that opinion can, apparently, change in a heartbeat.

And I'm okay with that... I'm a passionate person, so I expect people to react passionately about me and/or towards me...

Last weekend, I would be meeting up with TF and CB at the Improv... I found out after I'd bought my ticket that I would be the 5th wheel... They were going on a double-date, but I was totally welcome...

Um... Yeah.

I'd had a rough day and was texting back and forth with TF, who'd told me they'd managed to secure a table for four, but I was totally welcome to squeeze in... They were saving me squeezy space. I texted TF and told her she needed to be ready to do a shot with me, and she replied that she wasn't drinking.

Fuck.

I texted again and said, "Tell your friend she's going to have to do a shot with me..." And her reply made all of my fears ("TF and CB totally love and adore me all the time... Well, except when I'm being a total girl and obsessing over stupid shit... But they love me! They get my sense of humor and think I'm hilarious... They think my outrageousness is charming!! But what about their friends? What if they think I am annoying as fuck and can't stand me? And what if I end up totally making the whole evening awkward and then TF and CB no longer have another couple to hang out with???") go away... Because, yes... I'd had that conversation with myself in my head, but when TF responded with "She said she'll do a shot with you, but only if you squeeze her", I knew they were already hanging out with kindred spirits and I would fit right in...

And I did. And it fit. And it was wonderful. Good times, good times... Apparently, they like the Dr Pepper.

As do I... Especially the Cherry Dr Pepper that a certain Cat turned me on to... Something else to give up when I wean from the caffeine... Eesh. Haha.

The Cherry Dr Pepper got me out of my funk yesterday... I was kinda down about the anti-versary... It would have been 11 years. And that's a long time... And I started down a slippery slope, but allowed myself a good cry (lasted maybe 8 minutes?) and then moved on...

It's been a strange week for me... Lots of growth... Lots of signs and messages and stuff... And suddenly, I'm realizing that I'm learning to let go... And actually doing it... (I'm not saying I don't falter, but it's more like three steps forward and one step back instead of the other way around...)

And suddenly realizing that the Reason, Season, Lifetime thing??? Isn't necessarily always about me... That maybe it was ME... Who was in THEIR lives for a reason...

And when that reason is fulfilled, it's actually easier to let go...

Miles of Hills and ClaRiTy... Always good times... Tough times... But good times...

Being an open book isn't necessarily a bad thing... It's just part of my charm.

Love that about me or hate that about me... It's okay.

I'm just Dr Pepper.