Well, speak of the devil...

In my last post, I mentioned something about When I decided to stay away from the one who needs me to stay away, there was no closure... No conversation in which we mutually decided to stop speaking. Nope. There was just me. Deleting the phone number from my phone. Cutting the internet ties. And then... Nothing. And while a conversation would have given me something to reflect upon later, I don't think it would have been as positive as it could have been. So, I just left it. And I'm mostly pretty peaceful about that.

So, that was yesterday.

And last night I'm out for a wonderful meal with a dear friend, I got this weird text. I totally thought it was a facebook update... What with the string of numbers and all.

Um, yeah. Not quite. Turns out that string of numbers was from a phone number that my phone doesn't recognize... Because I'd deleted it.

And it was this disgusting text about something he was freaking out about... Including intimate details that he really shouldn't have ever shared with anyone outside of his marriage. Especially another woman.

Ugh. Ew. Ew. Ew.

And while it was tempting to respond with something along the lines of, "Yeah, well, I've been laid off and I've got some health stuff going on, so your problems with your wife are not exactly high priority on my list right now," I didn't.

I just told him that this was not my problem.

And he responded moments later. And I didn't respond.

And I giggled to CoffeeLady about how I took the ball from where it sat in my court and ran inside with it and hid it.

This brings me joy.

Because this person used to have a pretty fierce grip on me and the ol' self-esteem. And his opinion of me really mattered. He really mattered.

But now he grosses me out.

Whoa.

ClaRiTy.

I got my closure. This was just validation that I can be done and stay done. Because I made a decision to stay away and I am doing it. I'm totally doing it.

Z's asking today if there's any such thing as coincidence.

Um, no.

So, right now I'm sending some extra L&L to a woman and a kid that I've never met. And, I suppose, to him, too. Because I really do want them to be happy together. Because that's what they promised to do.

And I refuse to be a party to anybody else's marital issues.

Oh, and I totally wasn't going to blog this. I was going to keep it under my hat (but on top of the pigtails with the matching rubber bands! LOL!)...

But then I saw that she wrote about how I helped her without even realizing I helped her... Because I'd written something that spoke to her.

So, maybe this will speak to someone, too.

::shrug::

Light and Love... Peace... ClaRiTy... Zen.

From up here on that damned high road... Again. Eesh. LOL!

Taking Back My Memories...

There's this line in "Gives You Hell" where he sings "You can take back your memories, they're no good to me!"

And while I loved that song pretty passionately after the breakup with HRT, I'm kind of over it.

I sent someone a gift recently... I didn't really plan to buy a gift, but when I found it, I knew I had to send it... And I agonized over the perfect wrapping paper, and the perfect card... And I was thrilled with the finished result... I remember laughing with joy as I cut the wrapping paper to size... I put Light and Love into addressing the bubble envelope... I had fun with it.

Two days ago, I checked my PO Box for the first time in several days... There were several things in there... I sorted them at the counter, asking the kidlet to throw the junk mail away... There were a few envelopes with hand-written addresses. One was from the recipient of that gift. One was from DebuTaunt's parents... And one had Zoe's name in the return address spot.

I knew I had to open them right then and placed them in order from least to greatest importance... Zoe's would be last.

The first was the thank-you card for that gift. I tore open the envelope, expecting some kind of acknowledgement of how perfect the gift was, how thoughtful, how it would hold a treasured place in their home.

Yeah. That's not what I got. It was a pre-printed card, signed "Thanks, The Recipient"

Wow.

And then I opened the cards from DebuTaunt's family... And the words... Written by someone who had just lost their CHILD... And to take the time to tell me that something I had sent more than three months ago had made it to Deb's hospital room... That it had sparked conversation among her visitors... That she had actually touched it...

I sobbed. Right there, just crying... And the kidlet came over and hugged me and patted me and said, "I'm sorry you're sad, Mommy." And I smiled through my tears and said, "I'm not, Baby... I'm so thankful for these..." (OF COURSE the card sent on Zoe's behalf had butterflies all over the front!) and I held up the cards that mattered...

And then I asked him to throw away the other card. Because while I may be a sentimental girl, and the person who sent it used to be someone whose notes I treasured, I'm actually over it. I didn't waver when he said, "Throw away the card?"

And he did.

And I held the cards from DebuTaunt's family close, gathered up the rest of the mail and came home...

But the thought had entered my mind, "I spent all of this time and energy putting that together, and it didn't matter to them??? Well, pish. Maybe I shouldn't have done it..."

The next thought was, "Wait a second. I was joyful when I did it. I laughed and had fun. Why should their reaction take away from my memory of joy?"

And then I was glad again. Because there could be a thousand reasons why they didn't take the time to say something more. And 999 of those reasons probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.

So, I took back my memory. Because it WAS good to me.

And then I decided to take back some other memories...

Those girls. (I know I'm harping on an old subject. But it's summer... And the last two summers were all caught up with them...)

One of them deleted every photo of me from a website that was supposed to represent all of us... Erased my existence from those experiences.

Which is fine.

But I still want to be joyful about the wonderful times we did share before everything changed...

I still want to remember the way the moon looked that night as we listened to the music at that concert... I want to remember how we made a circle around the IBFF as she peed in the parking lot... I want to remember Island's. And the BGSC. And how they were there for my Ultra. I want to remember being wrapped in a blanket on my dad's couch as I sobbed. I want to remember crying at CEC because I had finally shared my most humiliating moment.

And HRT... How wonderful to be able to remember that night that we hung out with K at my dad's... The laughter the neighbors on the next block could probably hear... When L banned me from speaking at her wedding (she says she was kidding. I have my doubts. LOL), and she mentioned an inside joke created that night at my dad's, I was able to smile when I remembered how HRT had laughed so hard and threw his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

Just because he became a lying, cheating, thieving asshole later doesn't mean that that wasn't a wonderful moment.

So, I can let them pretend I never existed... Because even though I would never want to be in the same room with them again, there was a time when they mattered to me... When they brought me joy...

So, they can rewrite our history. I won't. Because it's MY history. And there were beautiful, wonderful, horrible, amazing, moments. And they made me who I am today.

So, I'm thankful for that.

Homey got his license revoked!

That line just cracks me up. Still. The morning after I received it as a text.

During this last month or so of spiritual growth, I'm finding that not only am I seeing the relationships of others more clearly, but I'm actually able to find the clarity of seeing my OWN. And that's weird. It usually is so much easier to see it when you're on the outside looking in... But I am in a place where I can look at myself, my patterns, my reactions to others, and I'm seeing it all very clearly.

Clear enough to see that there are friendships I've placed much value on, but realizing that I have been a Reason for them, and not that they were the Reason for me. And that's a tough one to swallow. Because it means there is much "letting go" on the horizon...

Not that I haven't become a freaking champ at letting go lately... And many of the things I have felt I've had to let go were difficult for me... And I felt like I didn't have much of a choice... If I choose to grow, I have to get out of my own way and let shit go.

Surprisingly, it hasn't been as difficult as I'd expected.... Because CoffeeLady told me to "trust yourself..." And that permission was a beautiful thing... Going with my gut has been far more rewarding than I'd even hoped... Opening up communication here... Shutting it down over there...

Don't think I haven't gotten sidetracked. I have. But I am actually pretty pleased with the way things have gone...

Until I started what I thought was obsessing over something that I've consciously tried to put to rest... I sent the emails, got unexpected responses... Found something I shouldn't have found, and did nothing about it...

Mad letting go skillz....

Um, then why is that particular person still popping up in my consciousness??? Seemingly random things popping up where I say, "OF COURSE it's that particular song on the radio that hasn't played in 15 years! And, OF COURSE out of every possible freaking beer it could have been, it had to be THAT one, brewed at THAT place!"

Ugh.

So, when CoffeeLady called me out on me "going through the motions of letting go, but not actually doing it..." I was kinda pissed off... Because I'm feeling all zen about it, but for some reason, not letting go...

And then it hit me.

It's not actually me. It's the other person. He's the one who isn't letting go... And there I'd been thinking I had the monopoly on unfinished business. Apparently not.

Because I've become so damned attuned to the energies of others that I'm picking up vibrations from the weirdest places... Seriously. First phone conversations have occurred in these weeks... Messages given, messages received...

But when I realized that I was picking up his vibrations, I got angry... I realized that while you can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink... And it hit me how many times I've led this horse to the trough... Could he fucking drink already?!? Because I'm actually okay. I'm done. I am perfectly okay with accepting this level of our friendship. And I was being all noble and shit. Heaping all the pain upon my own shoulders. Not ever realizing that perhaps he'd been doing the same.

Gulp.

And it was during these realizations that I got some news about him... And I didn't find out in the way I'd expected. In the way I'd felt guilty about because I didn't have the faith in him that he would do the right thing. And I'd sent a silent apology for not trusting him... And then realized that he didn't deserve that apology... Because he let me find out from someone who was pissed I hadn't told her... Not realizing that she was the one to tell me...

And then I was lumped into that "most people" category... And I thought, "Um, has he even met me???" And while, yes, of course he's met me, it brought everything to light... He's got something he hasn't let go of... And he's still getting into my head.

And I was angry. Pissed off. Because I can't spell it out for him. He really needs to figure it out for himself.

And then I went for a run... And it was within the first quarter mile that the clarity hit me... He is getting into my head because for some reason, I'm letting him be there... And while there was a time that I took all of the pain and the hurt for myself because I cared enough about him to spare him that, well, I don't actually care that much anymore... So if he needs to hurt, I can actually let him... And while it would be great if he would just keep it to himself and not direct so much of his own energy towards me, I can't control that...

But I can control my own reaction to it... And I don't have to allow him the permission to get into my head.

Which is what I told CoffeeLady... Who responded with, "Homey got his license revoked!"

And I'm still laughing this morning.

So, with Light, Love, Humor, and Grace, I am closing that door. Nobody's admitted without a ticket... Without a license to enter... And I choose who gets approved for the license... And while you may have qualified at one time, I get to choose to revoke that license too.

::grin::

Pulling an All-Nighter.

When I was in college, I worked in a nightclub. I made more money than I should have at the age of 22 by serving drinks in very little clothing... If I didn't work happy hour, my shift generally started at 9 or 10. I would nap before work and then get all cute for my shift. I rarely got home before 3:30 in the morning...

Last night I napped for about an hour in the early evening... And left at about 11:45 to drive out to where there was an UltraMarathon happening... I got there at about 12:30 and looked for LT. Turns out he was napping. He'd been feeling ill and was taking a break...

It ended up being better for me... By that hour, most people still on the course were walking... Just my speed... I was trying out my new Injinji socks (sorry about making you google, k2b!) under a pair of Wright socks. I wanted to try out my new headlamp... So, I did... I did a lap with a small group, and then jumped in with this guy who had just completed his first 50-miler ever. He'd never gone further than 36 miles, so every step he took was setting a new PR. I walked with him for several loops... He tended to slow down on his own.

I spent a lot of time in the barn, just watching, listening, helping out when I could, calling out encouragement to the smaller and smaller field of athletes... I learned so much about footwear, moleskin, socks, nutrition, gaiters, etc... It was overwhelming...

I had planned to just stay a couple of hours, but then LT woke up and seemed surprised that I was leaving "already"... (Hey, you were sleeping for the first two hours I was there! LOL!)... I stayed... I would have liked to see the finish, but I did get to see someone complete his 100-mile goal...

I ended up staying until I needed to leave to meet my Girlz for some swap meet fun... And I was loopy. Stupid. The Starbucks barista laughed at me because I couldn't seem to formulate the word "run". Yep. I was having difficulty articulating that little one-syllable word.

And I was sober.

I bought two pairs of trail shoes today. And another pair of street shoes. I'm testing out some new nutrition, and I'm going to mess with my socks on longer mileage and see what really works for me.

I am breaking every "race day" rule for tomorrow... Because 13.1 is just a training run. I'm trying out a few new things...

And I'm excited about finally getting to participate in tomorrow's race... For the last three years, I've been a spectator, a cheerleader. Tomorrow's my turn.

And another big race changed the date so that's major competition for my race. Which means all the potential cheerleaders for me won't be around. Because they'll be at the other race.... Which is cool. I was kinda bummed, but I'm just going to get out there tomorrow and see what I can do.... And then go hang with TF who actually got everything on my list. Whee!

I'm excited... I'm upping the mileage and feeling good so far... I'm going to be smart about this... Looking at race schedules... Wondering if I really need to try the Big Bear Marathon. (Elevation kills me, and the 50-miler isn't nearly the elevation I was worried about...) Hmmm... Maybe I should contemplate this after a good night's sleep... And a quick little race.... With a kick-ass playlist...

;)

And in the "eerie little connection" (aka "only in MY world", aka "OF COURSE!") genre:

The RD for last night's ultra showed me the beer that he'd stocked for those runners who completed 100 miles... It was from a brewery I know... In a town 75 miles away... Because it's next door to the coffeehouse where I completed my first novel.

As I was typing, I got word that LT completed 101 miles... And finished only 10 miles behind the winner... And that's with that 3-hour nap he took around midnight... (I was stunned at the sub-10s he was pulling at 4 in the morning!)... I congratulated him on getting his beer, which was, apparently, a surprise to him...

A hundred miles in 24 hours... Wow.

I don't think I'm THAT crazy... I'm only doing 50. In about 20 hours or so.

Okay, rambling. Need sleep. Goodnight.