Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Homey got his license revoked!

That line just cracks me up. Still. The morning after I received it as a text.

During this last month or so of spiritual growth, I'm finding that not only am I seeing the relationships of others more clearly, but I'm actually able to find the clarity of seeing my OWN. And that's weird. It usually is so much easier to see it when you're on the outside looking in... But I am in a place where I can look at myself, my patterns, my reactions to others, and I'm seeing it all very clearly.

Clear enough to see that there are friendships I've placed much value on, but realizing that I have been a Reason for them, and not that they were the Reason for me. And that's a tough one to swallow. Because it means there is much "letting go" on the horizon...

Not that I haven't become a freaking champ at letting go lately... And many of the things I have felt I've had to let go were difficult for me... And I felt like I didn't have much of a choice... If I choose to grow, I have to get out of my own way and let shit go.

Surprisingly, it hasn't been as difficult as I'd expected.... Because CoffeeLady told me to "trust yourself..." And that permission was a beautiful thing... Going with my gut has been far more rewarding than I'd even hoped... Opening up communication here... Shutting it down over there...

Don't think I haven't gotten sidetracked. I have. But I am actually pretty pleased with the way things have gone...

Until I started what I thought was obsessing over something that I've consciously tried to put to rest... I sent the emails, got unexpected responses... Found something I shouldn't have found, and did nothing about it...

Mad letting go skillz....

Um, then why is that particular person still popping up in my consciousness??? Seemingly random things popping up where I say, "OF COURSE it's that particular song on the radio that hasn't played in 15 years! And, OF COURSE out of every possible freaking beer it could have been, it had to be THAT one, brewed at THAT place!"


So, when CoffeeLady called me out on me "going through the motions of letting go, but not actually doing it..." I was kinda pissed off... Because I'm feeling all zen about it, but for some reason, not letting go...

And then it hit me.

It's not actually me. It's the other person. He's the one who isn't letting go... And there I'd been thinking I had the monopoly on unfinished business. Apparently not.

Because I've become so damned attuned to the energies of others that I'm picking up vibrations from the weirdest places... Seriously. First phone conversations have occurred in these weeks... Messages given, messages received...

But when I realized that I was picking up his vibrations, I got angry... I realized that while you can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink... And it hit me how many times I've led this horse to the trough... Could he fucking drink already?!? Because I'm actually okay. I'm done. I am perfectly okay with accepting this level of our friendship. And I was being all noble and shit. Heaping all the pain upon my own shoulders. Not ever realizing that perhaps he'd been doing the same.


And it was during these realizations that I got some news about him... And I didn't find out in the way I'd expected. In the way I'd felt guilty about because I didn't have the faith in him that he would do the right thing. And I'd sent a silent apology for not trusting him... And then realized that he didn't deserve that apology... Because he let me find out from someone who was pissed I hadn't told her... Not realizing that she was the one to tell me...

And then I was lumped into that "most people" category... And I thought, "Um, has he even met me???" And while, yes, of course he's met me, it brought everything to light... He's got something he hasn't let go of... And he's still getting into my head.

And I was angry. Pissed off. Because I can't spell it out for him. He really needs to figure it out for himself.

And then I went for a run... And it was within the first quarter mile that the clarity hit me... He is getting into my head because for some reason, I'm letting him be there... And while there was a time that I took all of the pain and the hurt for myself because I cared enough about him to spare him that, well, I don't actually care that much anymore... So if he needs to hurt, I can actually let him... And while it would be great if he would just keep it to himself and not direct so much of his own energy towards me, I can't control that...

But I can control my own reaction to it... And I don't have to allow him the permission to get into my head.

Which is what I told CoffeeLady... Who responded with, "Homey got his license revoked!"

And I'm still laughing this morning.

So, with Light, Love, Humor, and Grace, I am closing that door. Nobody's admitted without a ticket... Without a license to enter... And I choose who gets approved for the license... And while you may have qualified at one time, I get to choose to revoke that license too.



  1. Good girl!!!!!


  2. i have no idea what that story was about, but i'm glad you have L&L!!! love you!