Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tapping her foot as her heart breaks.

Yes, I've been quiet. It's mostly because of Internet issues. But enough of you have asked if I'm okay that I'm tapping away at the iPhone. Just for you. And, okay, for me, too.

I'm still waiting. My husband has yet to tell me in so many words that he wants to try to build a life with me again. And every time I tell myself that a week, two weeks, a month is too long to wait, he says or does something to give me hope again. Take last night's "date", for example. He came over, the kidlet went to bed (thrilled beyond words that his dad AND mom were there!), and we settled in for a movie with wine and snackies.

And then the evening ended. And he told me several times what a great time he had.

And in typical retromama fashion, I found myself wondering after he left... Um, WTF?!? Does this mean he wants to get back together? Are we going to talk tomorrow? Should I not talk to him? Should I call him?

Ugh. And, shut up. This is my husband. Not some random guy.

So, there I was, with every intention of stubbornly avoiding him. And then my gramma gave me permission to not do something that I'd thought I had to do. And the Ex is still my go-to guy. Do I talk to him about it? And is he a factor in my decision?

I know that when he asked me to choose him two years ago, I didn't. I know that devastated him. But even when he asked me, he wasn't truly choosing me. I can see that so clearly. But I am practically begging him to choose me and our family now. And I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he can't see that by not choosing AT ALL, he is making a choice. And it's the wrong one.

But I have to learn to live with that. Again. But for real this time.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Waiting Game

He has yet to give me an answer. I went away with the kidlet. Most of the time, I've been able to focus on being with him and just having an amazing time. But then there are moments... When I realize that no matter what he says, something has to change. Because staying married like this has stunted me. I have not been able to move forward because some part of me has remained mired in my marriage.

And, yes. I really do want my marriage to get back to what it could be. But if the answer's not what I'm hoping for? Then I need to learn not to depend on him.

I don't know if I can even trust him to try. To do the work. He says to say yes is the easy answer. Psh. He's so wrong. No is the easy answer. Because then he doesn't have to do the work.

But I couldn't move forward with a wonderful man who was planning to show me the world. I guess I'm still a little fucked up if I wasn't able to accept that.