Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tapping her foot as her heart breaks.

Yes, I've been quiet. It's mostly because of Internet issues. But enough of you have asked if I'm okay that I'm tapping away at the iPhone. Just for you. And, okay, for me, too.

I'm still waiting. My husband has yet to tell me in so many words that he wants to try to build a life with me again. And every time I tell myself that a week, two weeks, a month is too long to wait, he says or does something to give me hope again. Take last night's "date", for example. He came over, the kidlet went to bed (thrilled beyond words that his dad AND mom were there!), and we settled in for a movie with wine and snackies.

And then the evening ended. And he told me several times what a great time he had.

And in typical retromama fashion, I found myself wondering after he left... Um, WTF?!? Does this mean he wants to get back together? Are we going to talk tomorrow? Should I not talk to him? Should I call him?

Ugh. And, shut up. This is my husband. Not some random guy.

So, there I was, with every intention of stubbornly avoiding him. And then my gramma gave me permission to not do something that I'd thought I had to do. And the Ex is still my go-to guy. Do I talk to him about it? And is he a factor in my decision?

I know that when he asked me to choose him two years ago, I didn't. I know that devastated him. But even when he asked me, he wasn't truly choosing me. I can see that so clearly. But I am practically begging him to choose me and our family now. And I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he can't see that by not choosing AT ALL, he is making a choice. And it's the wrong one.

But I have to learn to live with that. Again. But for real this time.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I had no idea this was going on. I hope you get an answer soon. Maybe he's trying to do what he thinks is wisest and not rush to decide?