Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Who knew? I was planning to title this: here we go again. And start with the statement: tapping away at the iPhone. But then I saw that this would be my 100th post. And I had thought I would do something momentous for 100.

But here I am.

I feel like I'm getting back to myself. I saw my trainer today. And we hadn't worked together in awhile. We had tons to catch up on. He asked about Eric and the Ex. And I told him how the Ex has absolutely been making an effort with me. Inviting me to stuff with him and the kidlet. Twice over this weekend.

Of course, I'm all over the map. One minute, I'm all zen. Patient. Allowing him the baby steps that are so huge for him. The next minute, I'm crushed. Telling myself I'm actually finally going to be divorced. And then so damned grateful when he calls me.

And on Sunday, when a close friend was telling me about how the men in her life have declared their love for her and they're willing to do the work to make her happy... It's a heartbreaking choice for her. And yet I'm envious. I don't want to take anything away from someone I love. But here I am, waiting for my husband to say something like that and to mean it... I only want one man to say those things to me. And it's him. And I doubt he ever will. And yet... When I needed help with something this evening, he dropped what he was doing to help me. No questions asked.

And another trusted friend said that I can't expect him to be someone that he hasn't been in a long time. Because maybe he's not that man anymore. This was a half hour after I practically swooned when her brother saved the middle of the cinnamon roll for me. Am I wanting what I can't have? Or are these baby steps truly steps toward all I've ever wanted?

My trainer asked if I'm dating anyone else. And I told him I'm not. He pressed, "no online dating?" nope. Nothing. "I'm still flirting. I'm not dead," I said just as he pressed his hand to my chest to check for a pulse. It felt so great to laugh with him. And to say out loud, "I am a person who needs human touch."

I really just want a hug from him that lasts longer than a few seconds. I want to be held. I want to be able to reach out and hold his hand without wondering if it's okay. I want to know that it IS okay.

And then there's Eric. And I'm so mad at myself for even caring. But he set a goal for himself and he didn't reach it. It was a goal he set because of me.... And typing that sentence made me realize why he failed. He was doing it for me. Not for him. Ugh. But I find myself directing my anger at him. Because I know he's not around to take it. I feel like he wasn't honest. And that was so important to him, supposedly. But he wasn't lying to me. He was lying to himself. And that's simply not my problem anymore.

So, for now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing. Enjoying every minute with my son. Loving every challenge that comes my way. Waiting for the Ex to show me one way or the other what's supposed to happen next. Loving my friends and family with all of me. Laughing at the stupid shit that Ari's pulling. Connecting with my colleagues and my kids.

Once again... Just... Being.


  1. Shayna,

    Just being you. That sounds like the perfect space to stand in.


  2. You are amazing! : )