Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I'm quitting caffeine again.

But I'm weaning this time. No cold turkey crap. Uh-uh.

CoffeeLady hooked me up with some good decaf. And for two days, I've put some decaf beans into the grinder along with a few fewer regular beans.

No headache yet. (::knock on something::)

I didn't drink soda yesterday and went to bed at 10 and slept for the whole night.

I had a Cherry Dr Pepper this afternoon. Because I had lots of writing to do. And here it is, nearly 11, and I am wide awake... Thinking a glass of Syrah and a square of dark chocolate is in my future...

I had a midday TheRaPy session today.

And I told Therapist all about how I dipped my toes in the water last weekend. Went out dancing. With about 8 couples. Half of whom are friends with M. And I tested my boundaries and figured out what they are. And the husbands watched out for me, and I had fun and I didn't ever feel uncomfortable.

Well, until I had stuffed 7 people into my vehicle which seats 5. And I was the only sober one. With four drunk people in my backseat yelling directions at me. All of which were different. But I got them all home safely, and that is what mattered...

I had a long phone conversation with half of a couple that we used to hang out with often... I knew I would lose this couple in the divorce. And I was sad, but realized I can really afford to be generous. I have far more friends than he does. So, the ones that he needs, I can let go... Even if I am sad about it.

But I did get to have a conversation with her... And it was lovely. Just like old times. And we did touch upon the subject of the last year and a half when they kind of dropped me. And we were candid and it was okay.

I hadn't realized she was such the intuitive sort... She tends not to share that, apparently, because most people don't "get" it. And, for some reason, she felt safe enough to share that with me. LOL.

I said something about how when M and I first started actually talking about our issues, he would get angry with me for saying I'd been unhappy for six months, "when it's really only been six weeks!"

But it had actually been much longer than even just six months... And she said that she'd sensed something at least two years before we came out and said something. But she'd been afraid to ask. Afraid to open that can...

But that was validating.

And as I'm in the middle of pulling down the MySpace bloggage (don't worry. I'm putting it elsewhere. Stay tuned.), and re-reading most of it, it's really hitting me... I'm scared to read them all... Because I'm scared I'm going to see where it all began.

And I told my therapist that I'm pretty sure I remember when I realized I wasn't happy. I remember the blog I wrote that day. I haven't gone back that far yet, but I know it's there.

Yesterday I got as far back as one year ago... What an eye-opener.

And today, I went back a few months before that... To when Laiken died... And I found comments from DebuTaunt... (I've been waiting to cry for hours, and now it's finally happening. Phew!)

But more than that... I'm finding comments from people who just two months later decided they hated me... Comments telling me how much they loved me, how proud of me they were. Thanking me for bringing Laiken into their world...

I found reminders of how much they cared about me (or pretended to, anyway)... How supportive and wonderful they were during Mother's Day of last year.

And even though some of those accounts are gone, I found responses written to certain people. And those responses reminded me of things that were said back then... Funny, wonderful things.

Okay, taking a deep breath.

Reminding myself of what a wise woman recently told me (and a few others. LOL!):

clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

I am clear about what we shared at one time. And clear about how it is no longer available (either to me or from me!). I am truly thankful for the memories, and thankful that those poisonous people are out of my life...



I've got so many windows open it's not even funny. I'm working on three different writing projects right now. Expressing it. Feeling it. Writing it out... And maybe it'll turn out to be something big.

My IBFF came to see me on Monday. And we drank Cherry Dr Pepper at my new table. And I remember how a year ago, I was racing to the group nearly every week... And now the ones that matter are making a point of coming to me from even farther away.

Okay, I just stopped and re-read that last sentence about eight times.

Because it really hit me.

The ones that matter are making a point of coming to see me from even farther away. Proving to me, unprompted, that I matter to them.

Thank you, ladies.

I am so damned thankful for those people who have made me feel wanted and loved, especially in the most recent days.

Being unemployed for the first time since I was 14 is a strange sensation.

But I find myself feeling this detachedness (if that's not a word, I'm claiming it!) when people say things like "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Because right now it just is what it is. I'm not feeling like the sympathy is what I need.

And I was proud of myself for not laughing in the face of the one who said, "Try to stay strong and positive..." And loved when V said, "has she MET you???"

But, apparently, what I do need is to feel wanted and loved.

And so many of my loved ones have done that for me... I am so thankful for the one who wrote to me to ask me again to come out on Saturday. I'm so thankful for the ones who insisted we come stay with them. I'm so thankful for the one who came to me on Monday. I'm so thankful for the ones who have emailed me with their dates of availability and asked me to make sure I can see them... I'm so damned thankful for the early mid-week miles... I'm thankful for the one who called me with the job offer, saying wonderful things about why he'd thought of me.

Because at the end of the day, clarity + gratitude = a simple, yet brilliant existence.

And I'm working on it. And I'm there. And I'm working on it. But I am so there.

And to those who tried to railroad me along the way? Fuck you.


1 comment:

  1. I love that I'm a "wise woman" to you... Because you are that for me.

    I am proud of you for being so strong & maintaining your wonderful sense of light and love - even through hell and back.

    See you soon clarity sister!