Secrets and Lies

I woke up feeling like shit this morning.

Slept most of the day until it was time for my appointment.

Eric, of course, offered to bring me soup, kleenex, anything I needed. I didn't feel quite ready for him to see me looking like something the cat dragged in, however...

And then I went to get the cancer removed. I got there early, and with the doctor ahead of schedule, I was done right about the time everybody started sending the Light and Love. Hee!

So, I called Eric. And asked if he was working from home and could I come over? I had a couple of things I needed to tell him. And, hell, I had just beat cancer, so I was feeling somewhat kickass. Even though I still looked like shit.

And I sat down and told him the big scary secrets. Like about the scars that HRT left. And that even though I'm becoming this honest person, I haven't always been so.

But I needed to tell him because I see this going somewhere and I wanted him to know now so that he still has a chance to get out if he chooses.

And after I told him the big scary things, he patted the couch next to him and I came over and snuggled up against him. And he told me to just never lie to him. I can agree to that.

And then I left to go hug the kidlet and I checked my phone.

I'd gotten an email in response to a voicemail I'd left last week.

For Leon.

Because last week, it hit me that I was grateful. I was grateful for his presence in my world when he was in it. That he was as good to me that he could have possibly been. He simply didn't have the capacity to be any better to me. But that didn't mean he ever meant to hurt me. And he was the right person to be in my world at that time. I'm grateful that he didn't sleep with me. I'm grateful that I got to learn about dating and stuff with someone who kept me (mostly) safe.

So, on the day that we might have done that thing together (but it would be raining. LMAO.), I picked up the phone and called. And said those things to his voicemail. Told him not to worry about calling me back. But that I just wanted to thank him.

Then I let it go...

And, actually, kind of forgot that I did it. Because it was so not a big deal. I just expressed my gratitude. It was on him how he decided to take it.

And, apparently, he took it well.

And he wrote me an email to tell me so. And it was lovely.

And then I went and hugged my son and texted a few of my girlfriends who knew those truths and understood what a big deal it is that I told Eric.

And I'm just feeling utterly exhausted and completely loved.

So, even sick and unshowered and doctor's office scented, I'm happy.

Lighter.

I told the big scary things and he hasn't run away.

And the Spree feels soothing on my sore throat.

:)

Ooh, bop, bop bop!

Yet another colleague stopped me and said, "You are always just so happy!"

Someone who knows what's been going on came in and hugged me right away and then stepped back, surprised. "Wow, you seem like you're in a good mood."

I don't know what it is, but I continue to smile. I continue to live. There's an ache in my chest, but it's not that bad. Denial, perhaps? Or perhaps it's just that I have this certainty that all will be well in my world. I am clinging to those harsh words spoken two days ago. I am clinging to the reminder that Leon isn't brave enough to try. That the woman who did something horrific to him is someone with whom he had a conversation a week ago. That he said, "I can't deal with this right now." This, meaning... Well, me, I guess. Because his life is, supposedly, so overwhelming that having a kickass chick tell him she loves him is too much to handle.

Everybody tells me he'll regret this. That he'll come crawling back at some point.

But I don't actually want that for him. I love the man. Flaws and all. I don't want to be with him. But I do love him. With something in me that hasn't ever been touched before. But when you love someone, you don't want them to hurt. You want them to be happy and to know beauty and Light. I hate this certainty that he's going to die alone. I don't want that for him. I want him to know Love. I don't want him to look back and regret that he lost me. I really don't.

I am grateful that he knows I love him. I am grateful that he knows I am a good person and that this love is pretty pure. I am grateful that he loves me enough to let me see how fucking flawed he is and how I am better off without him. I am grateful to know that I now know that I have given it my all. I tried. I will live knowing that I truly tried.

And then today... When I bravely went off by myself for my follow-up for my little skin cancer... After a wonderful half-hour with two of my former students. High school freshmen, now, they've grown and matured. These young men took time out of their lives to come hang out. And it was cool to measure the teacher I am now against the one they had... Because it was another reminder of how far I've come.

Just before I got to the doctor's office, I posted an update. And got responses right away. One of which was sending Light and Love, but gleeful about how her boyfriend was visiting from far away. And how was that for Clarity? And clarity hit. Hard. She's got a man who loves her and is willing to travel many miles and many hours to be with her. And the man who loves me ran screaming in the opposite direction just two days ago. My cry-free streak was broken in that moment.

Ugh.

But then I found out I'm still cancer-free. Which totally rocks.

And I started to drive home... And this song came on the radio... "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton.

And there's this whole part about "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."

And it hit me.

Um, no. It doesn't go that way. Because I absolutely do know what I've got. Long before it's gone.

I don't live with regret. Even little shit I think I regret, I take action to rectify it. Like I regretted that I allowed someone to stop me from shaving my head for my mother. So now I'm embarking on this huge thing that will not only result in a Bald Retromama, but it will raise awareness and funds to cure cancer. And I'll get to look around my world and see all kinds of baldies.

But I really am not the kind of person who doesn't know what she's got. Maybe that's why I have had so much trouble letting go. Because I know more than anyone what I've got. And I've been afraid to lose it.

So, right now, I will hold onto this gift of anger and disgust. Because I had this Love. And someone broke it. But I will never have to look back and wonder "what if?" I chose to love him... And he chose to be fearful and embarrassed and cowardly. Sure, he loved me. But his love wasn't the kind of love to move mountains.

But mine is.

And one day I'll move another mountain. And one day it will be reciprocated. And I will be happy in love with someone else. But in the meantime, I will keep crying. Grieving in Real Time. And dwelling in the possibility of the next thing...

Which will be something that I will grasp with all of me... And I will know exactly how precious it is... While it is right there in front of me... Not while it's walking away.

I'm the one your husband warned you about...

I got a text from a dear friend the other night... Stating that she had "failed [her] first test of independence."

Her car had broken down. And she ended up calling her husband to pick her up.

I told her she wasn't a failure. That she had actually succeeded in this particular test. Because she still managed to solve her problem. So what if she needed to lean on the guy she's moving away from?

I called the husband for so many things in the months after I moved out. And I probably still would if it was a car issue.

Or would I? I do have AAA. That's what that's for.

I called my gramma on my way to work yesterday... And told her how lucky I was that I didn't have to change schools and move all of my stuff... She asked me if I would have called my husband to ask him to help me move my stuff.

And it hit me that I'd never even considered that.

Not once during that week had I considered asking him for help with that.

Of course, I'd had this little fantasy that Leon would volunteer to come help me with my stuff, but I never even gave him that chance.

I guess I just figured I'd do it myself. Or maybe I knew it wouldn't end up being an issue.

I told my friend to get AAA. Then she won't have to call him if she doesn't want to.

This is probably why he didn't want her to see me when she had the chance. He knows I kick ass and doesn't want for her to. Because he's losing her. Another girlfriend's husband thought she was having an affair... With me. Because that's the only reason he could fathom that she would want to leave him.

Yes, I am the friend that your wife can talk to about wanting to leave you. Because I'm the one who finally did it. And that scares the shit out of you. Because she's growing and changing and you can't keep up. But instead of trying to make yourself better, you just tell her to stay away from me. Because I'm the "bad influence". That zen-shit scares the crap out of you. Because you're defenseless against it. But that's your choice. Be a better man. I'm only influential because you're not.

I was nervous about going to work yesterday. Luckily, the prunes had done the trick and I didn't have THAT to worry about.

But my RealFriend doesn't work there anymore. And I had that whole "who will I sit with?" thing going on on my way in.

I shouldn't have worried. Several people approached me with hugs and told me they were so glad I am back... When the principal made the introductions and announcements first thing during the (FIVE-HOUR! UGH!!) staff meeting, I stood to a round of applause when he explained that I am back as of two days earlier. That felt good.

And my team is great. The mathematics chair is freaking brilliant and I am beyond thrilled about working with him. I believe I will become an even better teacher working with him. I have so much to learn!

I ended up going to grab lunch with a colleague during the 15 minutes I had between the staff meeting and my department meeting. He opened the door to his convertible, and we talked fast to catch up. Fred (not his real name, of course) is an older guy with whom I bonded last Fall. The first thing he said to me when he saw me that morning was "I miss your brownies!" I used to bring brownies to our department meetings. Even though I won't see him often this year, I'll make sure to leave him one every now and then.

Anyway, he's an awesome guy. Very intelligent. And while we have wildly different views on all things politics and religion, we're very respectful of one another and get along really well...

So, he started telling me about this woman he's dating... And, of course, I got to thinking about Leon. And how we totally had such a great time when we were together, but that when we weren't together, I didn't know if he was thinking about me or not. And how I am still thinking about him, caring about him, hoping he's happy. Believing in him.

And later I reflected... About how certain things he said to me had me re-writing some of my history... In a painful, yet cathartic, way. And I'm grateful for that.

And then this morning... When I took the kidlet to our favorite restaurant in his town, and then out to shop... We went to a store that he told me about on that amazingly fortuitous day when we shouldn't have run into each other, but did... And next door to that shop is the shop that is now my favorite... I could get lost in there for hours... And today, I nearly did.

I finally found the wall art for my dining area. They're these amazing and funky paintings that are hung by ribbons. They say things like "Begin" and "Imagine" and "Believe" and "More joy and metaphor". And one Emily Dickinson quote "dwell in possibility". And one by Eleanor Roosevelt: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

And they're in these beautiful blues and pinks and reds. And the women who work there were so helpful. Their energy was amazing and they both asked me to come back with photos of the finished product.

I'd thought I'd put up pictures of things like coffee. Or wine.

And yet, these are perfect. And cost probably half of what I might have spent.

To think I never would have found that place if I hadn't run into Leon in that bookstore on that day when we shouldn't have.

So, of course, he was, again, on my mind when I drove away today... And I remembered that conversation with DM (the other DM... LOL!)... When he told me I was overdue for being selfish... And how that set me off on the path of doing the first selfish thing I'd ever done... And everything that came after put me here.

And I realized that I was truly unselfish, once again, when I was with Leon. I didn't ask much of him. And I realized that, yes, he did think about me when we were together. He did show me he cared. I don't know if he's brave enough to really figure it out down the line. But I know we didn't have what Fred and his lady have. (And he's been seeing her about the same amount of time.)

I'm reminded that it's probably a timing thing. And maybe ours just won't mesh.

And it was okay to think about this stuff when I was with my wonderful boy... Who thanked me for my patience in helping him navigate the button on his shorts and allowed him to practice several times before leaving for breakfast... And who thanked me for buying him breakfast. My son has just been such a gem this summer. I'm so sad that our fun summer times have come to an end...

Which leaves me in this funk tonight. While I will be glad I stayed home when the alarm goes off at 5:00 tomorrow morning, I'm kinda blue tonight...

I feel like I'm back at Square One. Tabula Rasa. Which should be a good thing...

But I remember back when I had a SomeOne in my world. I didn't have to worry about being alone on a Saturday night.

But right now, once again, I don't. And if I hadn't said the things I said on Monday, maybe I wouldn't be alone right now. But if I hadn't said those things on Monday, I wouldn't have had that amazing Tuesday night with my girlz. And I wouldn't have traded that for anything.

So, I'll try to embrace this. Knowing that I may have accidentally burned a bridge or two during this period of Leon. But if that's true, then I have to just look at it as clearing the pathway to my heart. Because I really do have so much love to give... And it's hard on a night like tonight when my little boy is with his dad.

So, it's cracking a little... Hopefully to let the Light in.

Ass-Kicking Eve...

Finally.

Surgery tomorrow. TF is coming with me. Not that I really had a choice. She sent me an email telling me that she is coming and that I have to just deal with it.

Apparently, even though I totally kick ass, I don't HAVE to do it by myself all the time.

Just as long as we all know I COULD.

;)

I found out that there are actually maybe more than just two people reading this thing. There might even be, like, FIVE of you. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you, in particular, to the one who said she cried over the last post... Because we ended up bonding even further over it. And thank you to the one who's been reading it and not holding the TMI against me... And thank you to the one who told me I'm a good writer. And, yes. I do have a kid. And yes, I do have cancer. But by this time tomorrow, I won't.

:D

So, I went home again for a few days last week. And it was wonderful and amazing. Interesting twists and turns all around. And most of it was really fun, actually.

There were a few rough moments...

Like when one of the former friends from last summer showed up at the restaurant fundraiser where I was... And she totally sat with her back to me. And while I had thought I'd gone commando, apparently, I had brought the BGPs because I pulled those damn things up, walked over to her, hugged her, told her I was happy to see her and inquired about her daughter.

Moments later, the kidlet would ask me how come he never gets to play with her daughter anymore. Yeah, that one ripped open the old wound. I was so grateful later when someone said "Wow, that was really shitty for it to spread to the kids. It's so sad when people can't be adults about this..."

Of course, I even invited her out with me and a few other moms the following evening so that the kids could play.

She didn't show.

And while I was proud of myself for being the bigger person (Again... Jeez.), there were moments later when I was tired and asked myself why she looked so uncomfortable... Because she knew she fucked up last year and is too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it because she's afraid that she killed my loyalty and I would possibly tell her secrets? (I haven't. Ever.) Or is it because she is actually so filled with negativity that it was more a "Ew. I can't believe she hugged me. Bitch."???

I don't know.

I tried not to go down THAT road...

I actually pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad and made a list... I listed the people who went out of their way to make time to see me during my brief visit. On the other side, I listed the people who, apparently, still have a bit of power to hurt my feelings, but that they shouldn't really matter. The list of people who actually do matter was far longer than the other side. And it helped for me to see it in print.

JWG said "It's important as an adult to have people around who knew you as a kid..." I am so blessed that she is one of those people... As well as so many others whose company I enjoyed during this particular visit...

And then...

As I left town, I picked up CF and brought her back home with me... And during those 24 hours, something shifted in me.

There was this moment of ClaRiTy over dinner where I sat there, choking on my words, tears in my eyes, when I admitted the truth about this Patience thing. Whoa. And it was absolutely lovely to be so secure in the knowledge that I was in a safe place... And although the realization was somewhat terrifying, it actually felt... Right.

Weird.

And over white-trash margaritas into the wee hours of the morning, we talked and laughed and shared far more secrets...

And exactly 24 hours after I'd picked her up, I put her on a train for home... And I was sad. Because I don't know when I'll see her again.

Luckily, I had something to anticipate...

Which was a lovely Sunday evening in the park... With a craptastic band... Which actually made the experience even better...

And I felt the Light and the Love from these dear friends of mine... People who are rooting for me... People who gave me beer. Which I don't ordinarily drink. And I love how IP heard about it and called me out on it. Because she knows me that well.

And now I'm home... In a place of my own... And I'm alone, but not at all lonely...

Because tomorrow will be a day of loveliness with TF... (With a slight detour into the "operating room"... LOL) And then catching up with flutiefan... And the next day will be lovely as well... And so will the day after that...

Huh. Still so much to anticipate...

And while I got some not-so-great news on the job front (presently 30 openings left... I'm number 32 on the list), that news could change in a few days as well...

And when I get my job back, here's a partial list of what I will do to celebrate:

(in no particular order)

• Brazilian
• chiropractor
• some kind of storage unit to organize the kidlet's stuff
• manicure (pedicures are not luxuries, they are necessities. I haven't had a manicure since the layoff)
• schedule travel for ultramarathon
• artwork for dining area

No, I won't do it all at once. But those are a few things that I've been putting off... Again. Patience.

I'm learning it.

And it's not quite as difficult as it used to be... Because while I've totally gotten the messages about how everything happens for a reason, and that it's not all about me, I'm learning, too, that sometimes things are sweeter when you've waited for them... And that it can often be far more worth the wait than you could have ever expected...

And now as the clock strikes midnight, I will sign off... Find my quiet place... And rest...

Because tomorrow, I get to call myself a survivor.

Sweetest dreams, all.

The handbasket is purple... With spangly things hanging down.

If I believed in hell, I'd definitely have my non-refundable ticket there...

Something big is about to happen... I can just feel it. And I'm excited about it.

I've been in such an amazing place that even when I did not get confirmation that I'd have a job next year, I cried for a few moments and got over it. Got excited about the next thing... Which was an amazing trail run that evening.

And later that night, more validation.

I'm seeing the connections between people, and being all the more grateful for the horrible ones because they taught me something, too... Or brought someone wonderful into my world.

Minutes after blowing through the finish line, I realized the ABC was gone. The necklace was still around my neck, but the ABC was gone.

First thought: Guess I didn't need that anymore.

Second thought: I wonder who is the person who will find it and what it will bring to them...

Third thought: Oh, but I really liked that, and am somewhat bummed to not have it now.

Whoa.

Apparently, I'm ready for whatever happens next... Even though all kinds of references to the HRT are popping up... And far too many mallards for it to be a coincidence. LOL. Something is coming... And I'm anticipating it with glee...

And then tonight, because I'd pulled up the BGPs last week and done the right thing, I allowed myself a few moments to lurk...

And I saw something beautiful... A reference that someone's karma has come back to bite her in the ass... And I know I shouldn't feel all gleeful about it, but the questions she is asking of herself are somewhat shocking to me... Because I've never been able to understand how someone can spread so much poison to others and expect it never to return...

And there I was... Sobbing on the kitchen floor last year because of the things she'd said and done... And here I am now, happy, healthy, content... And someone has obviously done to her something similar to what she did to me...

And I didn't have to do a thing... I had just sent Light and Love and shit, and she's all crying now...

And I'm trying really, really hard to feel sorry for her... And maybe I will tomorrow... But for now I am going to revel in the imperfection that is me... Because I know that I did the right thing back then, and doing nothing now is also the right thing... And I don't owe her anything. I don't owe her sympathy. I don't owe her kindness. I owe her nothing.

Except gratitude... For being the awful person that she was... Because it made it all the easier to cut her out of my life back then... And I'm grateful for the validation now...

I actually snorted with laughter... And it's still bubbling up in my chest...

And I'm also grateful for the letter I received... The validation that someone saw the good in me so many years ago... He saw something in me that I have only recently begun to really embrace... And I am grateful for that.

And I can't stop laughing... As I told my students the other day, "There comes a time when you have to stop pointing the finger at everybody else and take a good hard look at yourself..."

Maybe somebody should tell her that...

But not until tomorrow...

Because tonight, I'm enjoying the entertainment.