Secrets and Lies

I woke up feeling like shit this morning.

Slept most of the day until it was time for my appointment.

Eric, of course, offered to bring me soup, kleenex, anything I needed. I didn't feel quite ready for him to see me looking like something the cat dragged in, however...

And then I went to get the cancer removed. I got there early, and with the doctor ahead of schedule, I was done right about the time everybody started sending the Light and Love. Hee!

So, I called Eric. And asked if he was working from home and could I come over? I had a couple of things I needed to tell him. And, hell, I had just beat cancer, so I was feeling somewhat kickass. Even though I still looked like shit.

And I sat down and told him the big scary secrets. Like about the scars that HRT left. And that even though I'm becoming this honest person, I haven't always been so.

But I needed to tell him because I see this going somewhere and I wanted him to know now so that he still has a chance to get out if he chooses.

And after I told him the big scary things, he patted the couch next to him and I came over and snuggled up against him. And he told me to just never lie to him. I can agree to that.

And then I left to go hug the kidlet and I checked my phone.

I'd gotten an email in response to a voicemail I'd left last week.

For Leon.

Because last week, it hit me that I was grateful. I was grateful for his presence in my world when he was in it. That he was as good to me that he could have possibly been. He simply didn't have the capacity to be any better to me. But that didn't mean he ever meant to hurt me. And he was the right person to be in my world at that time. I'm grateful that he didn't sleep with me. I'm grateful that I got to learn about dating and stuff with someone who kept me (mostly) safe.

So, on the day that we might have done that thing together (but it would be raining. LMAO.), I picked up the phone and called. And said those things to his voicemail. Told him not to worry about calling me back. But that I just wanted to thank him.

Then I let it go...

And, actually, kind of forgot that I did it. Because it was so not a big deal. I just expressed my gratitude. It was on him how he decided to take it.

And, apparently, he took it well.

And he wrote me an email to tell me so. And it was lovely.

And then I went and hugged my son and texted a few of my girlfriends who knew those truths and understood what a big deal it is that I told Eric.

And I'm just feeling utterly exhausted and completely loved.

So, even sick and unshowered and doctor's office scented, I'm happy.

Lighter.

I told the big scary things and he hasn't run away.

And the Spree feels soothing on my sore throat.

:)

I was in bed by 10 that night...

I just didn't specify whose... ;)

Apparently, 2010 is the year for RetroMama doing things she has never done before.

1. Wake up with face in a pot after drinking to the point of falling down.
2. Sex on a first date.

And that was just in the first week.

I met someone.

Still messing around with the online dating site... Was contacted by Clark. Exchanged a couple of emails and went to texting and a phone chat pretty quickly (as in all on the same day. I loved being off work this week!).

We started with stories about the holidays. His Christmas sounded somewhat like like my New Year. I told him I'd been told I needed to see the movie "The Hangover", and he told me he'd just gotten it and did I want to come over in a couple of days to watch it?

I told him that I wasn't a stupid girl and that I wouldn't go over to some stranger's house the first time we met.

He thought that was smart and asked if I would meet him for dinner. And then when I realized he's not 90 years old or 300 pounds, I could decide if I wanted to see the movie with him. So, I agreed. Turns out, he's a sheriff in a nearby town. And some of my former students will likely end up in his jurisdiction. LOL. Oh, and he lives in my town. And he is damn funny.

So, we met for dinner a couple of days later. And he's cute. And funny. And he teases me. And can take it. And I decided that, yes, I would go over to his house to watch the movie. I followed him to his house. And texted TF with the address, his real name, his badge number (because, of course, I'd asked to see his badge over dinner. I'm a dork, but it comes in handy!), etc. And I told him what I'd done as he brought me into his home and introduced me to his adorable (and totally well-behaved!) dog.

We watched the movie and just cuddled and stuff. I'd already decided I would make out with him, but I had no intention of doing anything else. I tend not to shave my legs when going on a first date. Just to be sure.

But then... I don't really know when I made the decision to go ahead and have sex with him anyway. But I did. And holy five orgasms later, I was really glad that I did!!!

Afterward, I told him that I'd never done that before... I jokingly covered my face and said, "Great, now you'll think I'm a whore!"

And his response was perfect:

"I didn't pay you, so you're not a whore... You're just a slut!"

I laughed so freaking hard that it hurt. Clark has the kind of sense of humor that I completely dig. He helped me get dressed and then asked if I was ready to do my "walk of shame", walked me out to my car, kissed me, and sent me on my way.

I went home feeling VERY mixed up. Totally happy that I'd met a great guy and had had amazing sex. But realizing that I actually really liked this guy, and had I screwed up any chance of it being anything more???

And then I saw him again the next night. (D and E are cringing now.)

And, yes. Once again, had amazing sex.

I haven't seen him since, but we've been in contact every day. I keep listening to the voicemail he left yesterday over and over again.

Shit. I really like this guy.

And I've come to some powerful realizations about myself recently. Some of which I shared with a colleague yesterday...

I can and will survive a broken heart.

So I am done hiding my true self from others. If I decide to fall in love, I will do that.

Because 2010 is the year in which I will love and I will be loved. But I will not fear loving hard. Because that is who I am.

Maybe that's what 2010 will be for me. For the first time, I will be true to myself in all that I do. And there will be those who accept that and love that and join me on this journey. There will be those who step away.

But I will enjoy every beautiful thing that comes my way this year.

I will hold onto the words that my sister said to me yesterday... "You seem much calmer..." She hadn't seen me in a year. And it was lovely to see myself through her eyes and realize that, yes, I am calmer. And I am attracting more quality people to me.

I will not lose sight of how out-of-control I was just 10 days ago. And how lucky I am that I wasn't a victim that night. But I am putting "quality" out into the universe and that's what I'm receiving in return. When a non-quality individual crosses my path, I am much quicker to cut them out... But I'm doing so with grace and with dignity...

Maybe too much grace and dignity?

Because I had to break up with the 23-year-old again a couple of days ago... Poor kid. Suddenly, I made the connection that he reminds me a bit of myself... The one who couldn't let go.

But today I spent about an hour going through my closet and making a pile of things that I am going to donate to charity... And then I spent some time going through my phone and deleting a bunch of texts and emails that I had saved to remind me not to go back to a certain place... And I felt strong enough to know that I no longer need those messages. Because I am becoming better at letting go.

This year I hope to learn to be better at holding on. Or becoming someone that a like-minded person would like to hold onto...

Clark said something about "you're just out of a marriage. You don't want a relationship."

But I'm actually two years out of that marriage. We took off our rings 25 months ago. And I'm more than a year past my last "boyfriend".

So, I think I'm getting close to ready. For something more. And maybe it will be Clark. Maybe I didn't screw everything up by having (amazing!!!) sex on the first date. Or maybe I did. But regardless, I'm not going to regret one minute I've spent with him. Because he is very obviously someone I was supposed to meet when I did.

And if I'm hurtling toward heartbreak by imagining myself introducing him to my friends (did I mention I never saw myself doing that with CJ?), and actually maybe waking up with him one morning, then so be it. I'll recover from that if I have to...

But maybe this time I won't have to. Time will tell.