Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ooh, bop, bop bop!

Yet another colleague stopped me and said, "You are always just so happy!"

Someone who knows what's been going on came in and hugged me right away and then stepped back, surprised. "Wow, you seem like you're in a good mood."

I don't know what it is, but I continue to smile. I continue to live. There's an ache in my chest, but it's not that bad. Denial, perhaps? Or perhaps it's just that I have this certainty that all will be well in my world. I am clinging to those harsh words spoken two days ago. I am clinging to the reminder that Leon isn't brave enough to try. That the woman who did something horrific to him is someone with whom he had a conversation a week ago. That he said, "I can't deal with this right now." This, meaning... Well, me, I guess. Because his life is, supposedly, so overwhelming that having a kickass chick tell him she loves him is too much to handle.

Everybody tells me he'll regret this. That he'll come crawling back at some point.

But I don't actually want that for him. I love the man. Flaws and all. I don't want to be with him. But I do love him. With something in me that hasn't ever been touched before. But when you love someone, you don't want them to hurt. You want them to be happy and to know beauty and Light. I hate this certainty that he's going to die alone. I don't want that for him. I want him to know Love. I don't want him to look back and regret that he lost me. I really don't.

I am grateful that he knows I love him. I am grateful that he knows I am a good person and that this love is pretty pure. I am grateful that he loves me enough to let me see how fucking flawed he is and how I am better off without him. I am grateful to know that I now know that I have given it my all. I tried. I will live knowing that I truly tried.

And then today... When I bravely went off by myself for my follow-up for my little skin cancer... After a wonderful half-hour with two of my former students. High school freshmen, now, they've grown and matured. These young men took time out of their lives to come hang out. And it was cool to measure the teacher I am now against the one they had... Because it was another reminder of how far I've come.

Just before I got to the doctor's office, I posted an update. And got responses right away. One of which was sending Light and Love, but gleeful about how her boyfriend was visiting from far away. And how was that for Clarity? And clarity hit. Hard. She's got a man who loves her and is willing to travel many miles and many hours to be with her. And the man who loves me ran screaming in the opposite direction just two days ago. My cry-free streak was broken in that moment.


But then I found out I'm still cancer-free. Which totally rocks.

And I started to drive home... And this song came on the radio... "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton.

And there's this whole part about "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."

And it hit me.

Um, no. It doesn't go that way. Because I absolutely do know what I've got. Long before it's gone.

I don't live with regret. Even little shit I think I regret, I take action to rectify it. Like I regretted that I allowed someone to stop me from shaving my head for my mother. So now I'm embarking on this huge thing that will not only result in a Bald Retromama, but it will raise awareness and funds to cure cancer. And I'll get to look around my world and see all kinds of baldies.

But I really am not the kind of person who doesn't know what she's got. Maybe that's why I have had so much trouble letting go. Because I know more than anyone what I've got. And I've been afraid to lose it.

So, right now, I will hold onto this gift of anger and disgust. Because I had this Love. And someone broke it. But I will never have to look back and wonder "what if?" I chose to love him... And he chose to be fearful and embarrassed and cowardly. Sure, he loved me. But his love wasn't the kind of love to move mountains.

But mine is.

And one day I'll move another mountain. And one day it will be reciprocated. And I will be happy in love with someone else. But in the meantime, I will keep crying. Grieving in Real Time. And dwelling in the possibility of the next thing...

Which will be something that I will grasp with all of me... And I will know exactly how precious it is... While it is right there in front of me... Not while it's walking away.

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