Monday, November 16, 2009

Yin and Yang and Shit.

Well, that was an entertaining weekend.

I got to hang out in my hometown, celebrating Thanksgiving early with my family. A good friend joined us and it was all good.

Of course, I had to stop in my gramma's town first. And we went to Target. Where I ran into an old friend. A FB friend. But one I hadn't seen in years. We made plans to hang out the following day, which was exciting.

And then as I was about to check out, I get a text from a good friend halfway across the country. Fucking StalkerChick is at it again. In a big way. Ugh. But I pretty much just laughed it off. I found it entertaining.

And then the big dinner and such... And an email from a new guy... Which was intriguing...

And then it was Sunday... And I'm texting the new guy (Shall we call him Roger?) all day long... And meeting up with old friends in a favorite hangout... Oh, and seeing my ex-fiance.

Wait. What? Yeah.

Good ol' SB.

Holy fuck.

I see a friend who actually just happened to be there, didn't intend to meet up with us. And I walked over to say hello to him and I see SB sitting about 8 feet away. I turn my back and ask, "Um, is that who I think it is?" Another friend approached, who confirmed that yes, it was SB. "Oh, do you know him?"

Ha. "Um, I was engaged to him!" (Ish. But that's not the issue. There was a ring. He put it on my finger when I moved away to keep me. Ugh. Anyway.)

So, the first friend made the executive decision that we would sit where I wouldn't have to look at SB.

And an hour later when I decided to just go say hi to him, my friends stopped me.

Everything happens for a reason. And enough things fell into place afterward that make that so clear to me. I wasn't meant to talk to him that day, for sure.

But it was funny. Because only in my sitcom life would something like that happen. I spent 12 years worrying about running into him. And only in the last three did I stop looking over my shoulder for him. And that's when I saw him. I was glad I looked adorable.

And then today.

The day I'd been waiting for since Thursday.

When my therapist had told me I needed to have a sitdown with Leon. Face-to-face. (Shut up, D. My blog. My story. And it was therapist-assigned.)

Apparently, I was supposed to tell him I love him.


I had notecards. Because this time I wasn't going to remember something afterward and kick myself for not saying it. And I certainly didn't want to get off-track and start babbling. Like I had when I'd gotten his voicemail.

He called me back and left a message (I didn't answer because I was on a date. I know.), agreeing to see me today.

So, we spoke Friday and made the arrangements.

Which made me so damned grateful for a fun-filled, entertaining weekend. Because it kept my mind off of things. Well, except when I told my dad about it on Saturday night. I was worried that I sounded so stupid. "Yeah, so I love this guy who I totally shouldn't be with, but it's making me crazy that he doesn't know. So, I'm going to tell him. And it won't change anything except that he'll know."

So, imagine my surprise when he told me he'd already known. Oh, and that he loves me too. But that even when two people love each other that doesn't necessarily mean they should be together. (Um, I already knew THAT part. Eesh.) And he was surprised I didn't know he loves me. Hadn't he told me before? (Um, no. He'd used the word but not in the middle of "I" and "you". The thing that sucks the most is that the reason he's giving me for not being with me is something so fucking ridiculous it makes me sick. So, here he is telling me that he loves me and so he can't be anything but my friend or all in. He respects me too much to date me casually. Which is fine. But I actually lost quite a bit of respect for him today. Because as much as he says he's growing up, I think it's really fucking immature to hold something against someone that happened long before we loved each other. Get the fuck over it.

So, when we hugged quickly and started to say goodbye, I was pretty certain it was over. Done. That's it. I'd told him that I expected nothing. I ask for nothing. Just that he knows. And he does know. I told him I would get over it. That I love him but that those feelings will go away. That I will love and I will be loved. By someone who wants to be with me. And I thought that was it.

So, I didn't quite understand what he meant when he said he was leaving with lots of thinking to do. Um, what's there to think about? You've already decided.

Whatever. I'm going back to my "let's not talk til after the new year, okay?" thing. Starting the moment that door closed behind him.

That's when I sat down and cried for about five minutes. Hard. And let my friends know that I was ready to go out and watch some MNF.

And Roger and I were texting back and forth and I told him where I was and did he want to join us?

And he did.

And it turns out, he's adorable. And a gentleman. And a really good guy. And one who's genuinely interested in me. And when I told him about how I want to shave my head, he asked me about the background story, and when I told him why I didn't do it back when I'd wanted to, he said, "But I think that would have been really cool!"

Later, IP gushed about him. I don't think IP has ever liked any guy for me. Even my husband. So it's kind of a big deal that she likes this one.

And yet it's a bigger deal that *I* like this one.

Damn, it's been a roller-coaster day.


1 comment:

  1. XM and I used to walk the lake on Friday nights, he loved to go there biking. I spent months if not years worrying about running into him there after the break up as it was a place I came to love to go biking and walking at outside of him. Several years after the break up, he passed me going the opposite way (back before it was open at mile 4). I was pretty sure he didn't notice me...I wasn't even totally sure it was him at first but I don't think he could have kept it from his face if he had realized it was me.

    Even though at that point I was totally over him, it was just really weird to finally see him there. It was his loss, and besides, the lake was MINE. I could allow him to visit it in his pitifulness because I remain...the bigger person :0)