Friday, November 13, 2009

What did I do to deserve this?

This being the blessedness that is my world.

Beautiful things are happening... I'm in the middle of writing my second novel. And my kids are totally helping me with it. It's amazing. I love everything about my job. Including chaperoning the dance this afternoon. Good times.

In the last two days, I've bitten bullets. And it's all turning out favorably. Why aren't these people saying no to me?

I went to my principal for one thing and ended up taking on another.

That bridge I burned in July? The one I described as burned to the point where no phoenix could ever rise from those ashes?

Yeah, that bridge.

Well, I needed a favor. And that burned bridge spanned a space between me and the person I really hoped would step up. I felt slightly guilty about asking for this favor when I'm not willing to offer my friendship or anything like that. The Ex told me I'm just using him, and that it's not okay.

I shrugged and said, "The worst he can do is say no."

So, I sent the email. And I was very clear about my reasons for contacting him at this point and that I would completely understand if he didn't want to help.

And the next day, he responded. Not only did he respond, but he promised to help me.

Why? Perhaps it's because it is a mutually beneficial arrangement. He does stand to gain something from this. Or maybe it's because he hopes we can be friends again. Whatever his motivation is, the fact of the matter is that he's decided to help me. And while I probably don't deserve it, I really do appreciate that he is willing to do so.

And then... The TheRaPy.


TheRaPist called me out on something that left me distinctly uncomfortable. Because my instincts have been screaming at me, and my stubbornness has put in the earplugs. I've been off-balance. And he told me that a conversation must be had... "um, can I send an email?" No. "How about a phone conversation?" Yeah, no.

A face-to-face.

With someone whom I wasn't planning to see for quite awhile longer.

And so I made the phone call to set up a face-to-face. And left a stupid, babbling voicemail.

But, apparently, that was well-received as well.

Because I'm getting that face-to-face.

And soon.


I think I accidentally washed my notecards. Yes, I'm going into this with notecards. Because I don't want to be kicking myself for days afterwards, remembering all the things I'd meant to say and didn't. Nope, I'm going to be prepared.

And for the first time in weeks, I feel like I've got my zen back. Because no matter how this turns out, I'll know that I said everything I needed to say. And even if I end up brokenhearted, that will be okay. Because I'll know that I tried. With all of me.

That said, I've been dating. A really nice guy. Three dates in eight days. He really likes me. And that feels good. I'm approaching this very cautiously.

But when I gave Fred his birthday brownies today, he said the nicest things to me. That I am a beautiful woman. That any man would be lucky to be with me. That I am kind and sweet and thoughtful.

So, maybe I do deserve for these two people to decide to be good to me. And maybe I should stop second-guessing it and just breathe. Take it for what it is. I know I'll pay it forward somehow.

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