Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm the one your husband warned you about...

I got a text from a dear friend the other night... Stating that she had "failed [her] first test of independence."

Her car had broken down. And she ended up calling her husband to pick her up.

I told her she wasn't a failure. That she had actually succeeded in this particular test. Because she still managed to solve her problem. So what if she needed to lean on the guy she's moving away from?

I called the husband for so many things in the months after I moved out. And I probably still would if it was a car issue.

Or would I? I do have AAA. That's what that's for.

I called my gramma on my way to work yesterday... And told her how lucky I was that I didn't have to change schools and move all of my stuff... She asked me if I would have called my husband to ask him to help me move my stuff.

And it hit me that I'd never even considered that.

Not once during that week had I considered asking him for help with that.

Of course, I'd had this little fantasy that Leon would volunteer to come help me with my stuff, but I never even gave him that chance.

I guess I just figured I'd do it myself. Or maybe I knew it wouldn't end up being an issue.

I told my friend to get AAA. Then she won't have to call him if she doesn't want to.

This is probably why he didn't want her to see me when she had the chance. He knows I kick ass and doesn't want for her to. Because he's losing her. Another girlfriend's husband thought she was having an affair... With me. Because that's the only reason he could fathom that she would want to leave him.

Yes, I am the friend that your wife can talk to about wanting to leave you. Because I'm the one who finally did it. And that scares the shit out of you. Because she's growing and changing and you can't keep up. But instead of trying to make yourself better, you just tell her to stay away from me. Because I'm the "bad influence". That zen-shit scares the crap out of you. Because you're defenseless against it. But that's your choice. Be a better man. I'm only influential because you're not.

I was nervous about going to work yesterday. Luckily, the prunes had done the trick and I didn't have THAT to worry about.

But my RealFriend doesn't work there anymore. And I had that whole "who will I sit with?" thing going on on my way in.

I shouldn't have worried. Several people approached me with hugs and told me they were so glad I am back... When the principal made the introductions and announcements first thing during the (FIVE-HOUR! UGH!!) staff meeting, I stood to a round of applause when he explained that I am back as of two days earlier. That felt good.

And my team is great. The mathematics chair is freaking brilliant and I am beyond thrilled about working with him. I believe I will become an even better teacher working with him. I have so much to learn!

I ended up going to grab lunch with a colleague during the 15 minutes I had between the staff meeting and my department meeting. He opened the door to his convertible, and we talked fast to catch up. Fred (not his real name, of course) is an older guy with whom I bonded last Fall. The first thing he said to me when he saw me that morning was "I miss your brownies!" I used to bring brownies to our department meetings. Even though I won't see him often this year, I'll make sure to leave him one every now and then.

Anyway, he's an awesome guy. Very intelligent. And while we have wildly different views on all things politics and religion, we're very respectful of one another and get along really well...

So, he started telling me about this woman he's dating... And, of course, I got to thinking about Leon. And how we totally had such a great time when we were together, but that when we weren't together, I didn't know if he was thinking about me or not. And how I am still thinking about him, caring about him, hoping he's happy. Believing in him.

And later I reflected... About how certain things he said to me had me re-writing some of my history... In a painful, yet cathartic, way. And I'm grateful for that.

And then this morning... When I took the kidlet to our favorite restaurant in his town, and then out to shop... We went to a store that he told me about on that amazingly fortuitous day when we shouldn't have run into each other, but did... And next door to that shop is the shop that is now my favorite... I could get lost in there for hours... And today, I nearly did.

I finally found the wall art for my dining area. They're these amazing and funky paintings that are hung by ribbons. They say things like "Begin" and "Imagine" and "Believe" and "More joy and metaphor". And one Emily Dickinson quote "dwell in possibility". And one by Eleanor Roosevelt: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

And they're in these beautiful blues and pinks and reds. And the women who work there were so helpful. Their energy was amazing and they both asked me to come back with photos of the finished product.

I'd thought I'd put up pictures of things like coffee. Or wine.

And yet, these are perfect. And cost probably half of what I might have spent.

To think I never would have found that place if I hadn't run into Leon in that bookstore on that day when we shouldn't have.

So, of course, he was, again, on my mind when I drove away today... And I remembered that conversation with DM (the other DM... LOL!)... When he told me I was overdue for being selfish... And how that set me off on the path of doing the first selfish thing I'd ever done... And everything that came after put me here.

And I realized that I was truly unselfish, once again, when I was with Leon. I didn't ask much of him. And I realized that, yes, he did think about me when we were together. He did show me he cared. I don't know if he's brave enough to really figure it out down the line. But I know we didn't have what Fred and his lady have. (And he's been seeing her about the same amount of time.)

I'm reminded that it's probably a timing thing. And maybe ours just won't mesh.

And it was okay to think about this stuff when I was with my wonderful boy... Who thanked me for my patience in helping him navigate the button on his shorts and allowed him to practice several times before leaving for breakfast... And who thanked me for buying him breakfast. My son has just been such a gem this summer. I'm so sad that our fun summer times have come to an end...

Which leaves me in this funk tonight. While I will be glad I stayed home when the alarm goes off at 5:00 tomorrow morning, I'm kinda blue tonight...

I feel like I'm back at Square One. Tabula Rasa. Which should be a good thing...

But I remember back when I had a SomeOne in my world. I didn't have to worry about being alone on a Saturday night.

But right now, once again, I don't. And if I hadn't said the things I said on Monday, maybe I wouldn't be alone right now. But if I hadn't said those things on Monday, I wouldn't have had that amazing Tuesday night with my girlz. And I wouldn't have traded that for anything.

So, I'll try to embrace this. Knowing that I may have accidentally burned a bridge or two during this period of Leon. But if that's true, then I have to just look at it as clearing the pathway to my heart. Because I really do have so much love to give... And it's hard on a night like tonight when my little boy is with his dad.

So, it's cracking a little... Hopefully to let the Light in.


  1. I'm so proud of you.. you're come a long way baby. Love you so much..

  2. Wow! you do kick ass, because all is well, and all will be well! You are paving the way, sister!