First of all, for those of you who care, I am now cancer-free.
And that kicks ass.
For those of you who were wondering about the dating stuff, well... Here goes:
I saw the guy again. It was a rather brief interlude, but I was pretty thrilled when he held my hand and kissed me in front of my friend. He asked me when my surgery would be and when I told him, he told me he would call me Monday afternoon to find out how it went. He said "I'm glad you're getting that taken care of. I know you've been worried about it..."
And he's right. I had been worried. And while I put up this total ass-kicking front for nearly everybody, this was one person with whom I'd been really honest about it. I WAS scared.
So, I loved that he understood that and made me feel like it was important to him to know about it.
And then he kissed me and said "goodnight, sweetheart..."
Nobody has called me by an endearment in a very long time... (No, flutiefan, "gargoyle" doesn't count. lmao)
And I giggled about it for many hours that night with CF... And woke up really happy about it...
And even after Sunday night's shenanigans, I was still thinking about him. Realizing that even though, yes, I AM interested in other men, spending time with other men, this is the guy that is my first choice right now. When I am considering going somewhere, he's the one that comes to mind first when I'm considering who to take...
And then Monday rolled around... I hadn't slept well the night before, and when I called to talk to my son to help me find my center, I ended up finding all kinds of frustrations, thanks to my ex.
Ugh. He picked the wrong day to pull that crap.
I ended up putting out the fires and was in a good place when TF came to get me. I told her my secret and instead of giving me shit, she just smiled, shook her head and said she wasn't surprised or mad...
And then we went for my surgery... And she teased me about what a dork I am... And then I went in...
And the doctor was awesome... He chose a less invasive procedure because of where the cancer was, and gave me an extra shot of novacaine to make sure I was numb. He scraped away for a few minutes and then cauterized it with this machine that makes a sound like a bug-zapper and the scent of burnt skin wafted into my nostrils... Nothing would taste right for the rest of the day.
Forty-five minutes after walking into the office, I was on my way... Cancer-free.
Breathing a sigh of relief, TF and I went to a movie (Julie and Julia), and then out for lunch, cocktails, and dessert. Hey, we were celebrating!!!
I walked out of the movie with several voicemails and texts on my phone... I was overwhelmed by the Light and Love that was coming my way!! SO MANY people let me know that they were rooting for me... I was beyond touched...
And I tried really hard to focus on that when I realized that the guy hadn't called. Like he'd said he would.
TF reminded me that it was still afternoon, and he had time.
By 5:30, I sent him a text telling him I was cancer-free and to have a nice evening.
An hour later, I was comfortably ensconced in a bar downtown, celebrating flutiefan's visit (and the absence of cancer!), telling her about how I was bummed I hadn't heard from him...
And only because he'd told me he would. I hadn't asked him to. We'd already made plans for later in the week. If I didn't hear from him on the day of the surgery, I knew I'd see him a few days later, and we'd talk about it then.
He's a different kind of communicator than I am... He's not a texter. He's not even a phone-guy. He'll talk on the phone just long enough to make a plan for face-to-face time. And while that is strange to me, I find it somewhat refreshing... And something that I can totally deal with.
Shocking, I know.
But when he didn't call.... My feelings were hurt. I admit it.
Of course, moments after telling flutiefan, my phone rang. And it was him. And, no, I didn't take his call. I thought I'd call him when I got home that night. Maybe around 9:30 or so.
Of course, I didn't end up getting home until 12:30.
After a wonderful night with friends and strangers... Strange men flirting with me, and friends of friends coming to my rescue... I felt comfortable and alive...
I did speak to him this morning. And he apologized a dozen times for not having called when he'd said he would. He had a fairly legitimate excuse, and finally I told him to stop apologizing. I actually really appreciate that he did apologize. But I want to get over it. And I am over it.
But it gave me pause...
Do I really want to date a guy who says he'll call on the day I have surgery and doesn't?
Because I was married to a guy who let me go to surgeries by myself.
Granted, this is very new. And we're not in a committed relationship. But I had been open to that. And then I felt like maybe I wasn't.
CF already knew that I'd realized this guy matters. That was my big ClaRiTy revelation on Saturday night.
And TF and NOF (and E!) all told me to stop saying I'm going to break things off with him when I see him. That I should take a deep breath, tell him that he matters, and tell him that if he's really got all this stuff to work through, that he should probably take some time to work through it.
Maybe I'll still be available when he's ready, and perhaps we can try then.
But I can sense that he probably shouldn't wait too long... Because wonderful people are walking into my world every day... And I'm not saying that I'm going to find someone else right away.
But I AM open to it.
I keep saying everything happens for a reason. And so does he. But it feels like he's focusing on the bad stuff, and that's so not me.
I typed that last part and paused for several moments.
Because I realized it's finally true.
I understand it's a process and everybody goes at their own pace...
But I'm there. And I like it.
So, whatever happens next, I will say what needs to be said... And my heart and my mind will be open to whatever comes from that...
Of course, with that in my head, I spent a couple of hours with the ex this evening. The kidlet did his sport-thing, which left us with 90 minutes to chat, and then we all went to dinner... Our usual Tuesday routine.
I've been pretty quiet the last couple of Tuesdays... Now that I'm dating, I've found it more and more difficult to talk to my ex. Even though he's proven over and over again that we're done, I had still held out some hope until a few weeks ago. Moving on is one thing. Telling him about it is another thing, entirely.
But something clicked last week, and I was fairly certain something had changed with him.
Tonight, I asked him about it.
And, apparently, he's been on a date, too!!! Supposedly, he probably won't go out with her again. I'm the curious gal who asked for details, which he kept from me.
It was almost a relief when he asked if I was dating. Because then I was able to tell him. He doesn't ask as many questions as I do, which is fine.
But then we started teasing each other and joking... I about fell off my seat when he asked if I was seeing the cable guy. Because I am so NOT seeing the cable guy!!!
And while he insisted it was weird that we were talking about this stuff, I think it's just how we roll... And we'll go with that...
The only time I got upset during the conversation was when he insisted he'd offered to take me to my surgery.... Because he SO hadn't offered that. Grrr. Oy, with the re-writing history!!! Ultimately, I found it funny... Especially when he realized he'd had this whole imaginary conversation in his head. Which had culminated, apparently, with him ACTUALLY bringing me to my surgery!!
Yes, twisted senses of humor.
Hey, it's what keeps me sane.
But in these moments, when I am slightly nauseous at the idea of the conversation I'm going to have soon, I am secure in the knowledge that I will be able to say what I mean. And while I can't control how he takes it, I can control my own reaction to the situation.
The blinders are off. I know what I want and what I deserve. While I may be terrified, once again, I'll pull up the BGPs and face my fears...
And if this guy isn't on the same page, that's okay. Because, again, I'm pretty happy with where I am.... I have so many girlfriends who are amazing and wonderful... Both men and women seem to be attracted to my energy these days... And I'm just truly enjoying every moment.
So, no matter what happens, I know that all is well... And all will be well...
Thinking of Kelly on her birthday
1 year ago